great to be back

i just arrived in singapore about two hours ago, and i just can't wait to sleep. but my eyes aren't droopy yet, so i'll keep myself busy until they complain :)

work was crazy on-site in south africa, and i am just glad i am having a three-day weekend right now. i felt i was just out of the loop with my friends. i hope these guys would still get me back in the loop :D

i hope i can start feeling the christmas season and i just can't wait to go home to the philippines to be able to spend christmas with my family. i could not imagine how else i would be spending it.

i think my christmas would be fine despite the rollercoaster stuffs that i went through the past months. i am just this big believer of christmas as being the happiest season of the year, and it is important for me to get that feeling every december. good thing, i already received my first christmas gift .. yey! (thanks ri! i'll open it on the 25th na ;)) .. then, i'll also be attending a christmas party tonite, so that's a good start. though i have no idea what's going to happen cuz no one's updating me about it anyways. but whatever, i have my gifts ready. i hope :D

even if i have a three-day weekend, i'll be so busy with preparing my christmas gifts. to my friends who requested some rooibos tea, well, it'll be on its way soon ;) then, i have to be at the ministry of manpower in singapore to get my new work permit.

it's a good thing coming back was not much of a problem despite having lost my travel documents, though i had a little trouble with the south african immigration. the lady who cleared my visa was not in such a good mood, so she gave me a bit of a hard time. but i was glad that was over. i can't wait to posts my pictures soon ;)

well, i know this is just a random ranting of a tired, jet-lagged, traveller. but all i can say, i'm glad to be back .. (i won't be thinking about missing the very fluffy sheraton pillows in my sleep)

south african experience

I'm back, Pretoria.

There were several reasons that got me excited for my second trip to South Africa. One is, we're book to stay at the Sheraton Hotel, which is probably one of the fanciest hotels i've stayed so far - and free of charge. Plus, i get to have a very good view from my window - The Union Buildings.



The other obvious reason is that i have a wide angle lens which i just bought two months ago that will come very, very useful for my new found hobby. Then for more personal reasons, the trip would be an escape to the emotional mess i have once again put myself into, and this trip will be my breathe of fresh air.

before i give the wrong impression, i'm not back to south africa for a personal trip (as i can't afford this kind of fancy trips... yet) .. it's a business trip, which my boss effortlessly planned when i was supposed to apply for a leave. but of course, i'm not complaining. at least, when i'm working close with the client, i get to focus more on my work, and the progress i need to achieve. and so far, i'm on track with that.

so, i packed my stuffs and made sure i have my camera and all the other accessories i've brought for it in a shopping madness for that temporary retail fix (the kind where you just close your eyes as you swipe your credit card from one purchase, to another, and say to yourself.. "heck, i deserve this" in the most convincing way). besides, it's my new hobby, and people do invest in their hobbies... right?

the other thing that got me excited was when i was on board the plane to johannesburg, i saw several really pretty, tall, and very sophisticated ladies on board - me included (except the tall part.. hirit pa gyud :p) .. when we landed to jo'burg, the big sign "Miss world 2008 Johannesburg" just greeted us, and that explains the other sophisticated ladies on board. Basically, they were miss australia, miss japan, miss vietnam (by the costume), and two others whom i did not get to check to what countries they were from. hayy, lahi ra gyud ang dating basta pang beauty queen. they just have this distinct way to carry themselves, and i was just awed how thin these women were.

we arrived at the hotel four hours earlier than the expected check-in time. and instead of requesting for an early check-in, my colleague and i decided to treat ourselves with the very delicious south african food we can get in the shopping center where i really liked, during the first visit. we left our luggages and laptop at the hotel, and i brought my camera, iphone, all credit cards, passport, and all cash i had, with me. after the sumptuous lunch, we decided to do some grocery shopping for toiletries.

the huge grocery store really amazed us and we found a lot of goodies that we could not get in singapore. they simply have more choices when it comes to shampoo, lotion, drinks, junk foods, that we got a bit hyped up with our grocery shopping.

then it happened.

i put my bag on top of the shopping cart since my camera was getting a bit heavy. the shopping cart was never out of my sight as i know south africa is known to be unsafe. well, when you are so used with living in a place like singapore, or maybe japan, you simply slack on looking after your stuffs. so, with me standing just beside my shopping cart, and bending down as i returned an item on the bottom rack, i heard a thud. then as i looked up, i saw my groceries disarranged. then about a second later, i realized that i was just ROBBED!

yes, i was robbed and my camera now is gone, my nikon d70 with a 17-50mm f2.8 tamron lense, my iphone, my money, my credit cards, my PASSPORT, my employment pass in singapore is gone. i was screaming for security, but my GOOLY-MAMA .. everyone was acting like nothing happened!! the security did not alert anybody, people were just standing looking at this crazy asian shouting "i got robbed! i got robbed!! somebody help me!! ... my passport!!" (yes, i was amazed that i still was fluently speaking in english when this shocking incident happened). the security of the place was really unbelievably poor, that i bet, if i was robbed in a shopping mall in cebu and reacted the way i did, security would have acted on it faster. i have to even scream for the store's manager since nobody was really helping me. i demanded for the store to show me their surveillance videos, but they could not. i did not know if i would be hysterical over the loss of my stuffs, or the incompetence of the security of the place.

but then, i had to calm down to be able to act reasonably over the very unfortunate thing that happened. i know that screaming at anyone, or blaming the poor security of the place will not get my things back. the only thing that i could do was go to a police station and file a report, put evidence on what just happened in order to have support as i try to get my travel documents back. it was a first-time experience for me to get robbed, and another first time to visit a police station. good thing i was still able to compose myself and do the things i needed to do over the bad incident.

i went home to the hotel, settled the rest of my stuffs,and called our travel insurance company, which was very, very helpful (makes you realize how insurance companies are very useful for situations like this). as i tucked myself in bed that night, i tried to absorb all the things that just happened in one day.

i closed my eyes telling myself to still be thankful that i was not harmed over the incident. despite it all, i still think that the whole thing was a humbling and a learning experience for me. and if i plan to travel more in the future, i know i should be more cautious and learn more about the place to which i am traveling to. i am just lucky that i'll be staying for a month here, and i have more time to settle my travel documents. another blessing is that there is a Philippine Embassy just right here in Pretoria, and they were able to issue me a new passport in a week's time.

i've been here for less than two weeks yet, and so far, i have recovered well over the incident. i have come to accept that some things just come and go in your life, and we should not be too attached over material things, most specially, as they can be replaced. and your safety is still the most important thing over material possesions. though i had to comfort myself, on my own as i am far away from my family and friends, i am just glad that the people you need the most are just a phone away, or email away, or skype away, or ym away.. and the electronic hug is far better than none. i am also glad that my company was really very helpful and supportive too, that i am having second thoughts of leaving this job.. LOL. see, i get to smile over adversity, but then, that's me.

last weekend, i bought myself a new camera, the cheapest point and shoot i can find here (this is not singapore so gadgets aren't as cheap, and you don't have too many choices at all). it would be such a shame if we could not take any pictures from this trip, because despite the horrible thing that happened, south africa is still a beautiful country. And, i will enjoy the rest of my stay here. good thing, my boss was kind enough to say we should really enjoy our stay here by taking any of the day tours the hotel has. that way, we get to see more of the city and have our weekends filled. whatever tour we take daw, sagot na daw nila..

so, johannesburg, here i come!

i never thought ...

I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT
It no longer makes me cry and die and tear myself to see her go because everything goes away from me like that now--girls, visions, anything, just in the same way and forever and I accept lostness forever.-Coltrane

moral of the story

the eternal lesson that i have to learn ...

"Never Leave Your Heart Alone" - Butterfly Boucher (Grey's Anatomy)

And it's open
For distraction
You found all the words you need
Well I found nothing
I just grumble
'cause I don't know what I feel

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
Never leave your heart... alone

Run for shelter
An umbrella
Fights the rain but not the wind
And I'd be silly
To start preaching
'cause I don't know which point to make!

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up
With cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
...Never leave your heart... alone

Am I frozen?
But it's summer!
Is that rain or is that me?
Yes I'm melting
Please be happy
One day soon
We might just swim

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up with cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
....Never leave your heart
.... Never leave your heart alone

my little drama

there were several times that i have been so tempted to just delete this blog for many reasons. it's been four years that i have been ranting my heart out, and sometimes, disclosure wears you out too.
but it's just one of those habits that is difficult to kick out of you. it's a feeble attempt to keep my thoughts organized...they really have this tendency to get wild, y'know.

but then, i've been mum the past months. not only was i preoccupied with my ever-challenging work, but my life's little drama was quite difficult to keep up. i do not want to get into a teleserye mode, but i had to say that in those short months, i had to deal with loosing love, loosing a friend, and almost loosing myself.

i do get tired picking myself up each time i mess up. and yes, i had (emphasis on the past tense) entangled myself with another kind of mess. this time, it was the not-in-my-life-time-i-can-imagine kind. i had my friends' literally pop their eyes out in disbelief when i spilled the news. this explains the recent chronic restlessness - i was simply panicking for the nearest fire exit.

one of the realizations that hit me though is that .. am i not too old to keep running away? haven't i had been through enough hard times that i have not learned to face my problems, head on? why do i always see my life as something that's difficult to live? a friend asked, why do i invite misery in? the only answer i could think of at that instant was.. because i love basking in the pain? (i had to mentally give myself a big slap on the face to make me realize what i had just said)

seriously, i should have realized by now that i am all geared up to fight my weaknesses.

i have:
* my heart (the one who is always putting me in to trouble can also be a good weapon)
* my head (yes, i realize that logic has to be a part in these kinds of troubles)
and
* my faith (it's time i admit i'm no superwoman, i can't do this on my own. besides, my heart and head is nothing without my God)

... and of course, i have an army behind me, and they are my friends who patiently listened to my rants and rambles and whines and all other synonymous words you can think of. the more i get into trouble, the more i realize who my true friends are ... they are always the ones who are ready to share a bit of their strengths to keep my head up.. so, i'm shouting my thanks to all of you.

now, i need time to heal and forgive myself and i do not have to go anywhere this weekend to do that. besides, i have saved the next two weekends for two out-of-country trips already, so i do not mind staying put this time :D (OA na pag three consecutive weekends nako maglaag :X) ..

so what do i have to do to keep myself occupied tomorrow? the options are open to shopping, shopping and more shopping :D ... kidding! seriously, i do not mind if there's no specific plans. i do not have to be restless anymore. what matters is the peace that i am inviting in :)

i still do deserve to bask in sunshine, right?

(thank you Lord, i can't believe the number of second chances you are giving me)

chronic restlessness

if restlessness is a disease, i could be suffering a chronic one. i have blogged countless times about this restlessness, the itch to be somewhere other than here. and, i have always made myself believe that the only way that can make me still is to find someone, or something to anchor me.

but i was wrong. i think i'm wrong. i had never been so restless in my life as i am right now. not even the tons of work that has managed to make me sleepless the past months had done anything about the restlessness. rather, it had made me more restless than ever. i dream about places i'd like to travel. i plan on trips that i know i just do not have the luxury to indulge in. i have visited airline websites for the next available flights for the next best destinations and mentally justifying the splurge i am about to take. i have even checked what is the best weekend trip to make other than batam or bintan in indonesia, or malacca in malaysia (why not?). only if spending 1,000 sgd is justifiable, i would have booked a flight to chiang mai in thailand, or bali in indonesia. if only budget airlines offer a good weekend flight schedules to siem reap in cambodia, i would be taking pictures of angkor wat this weekend now. i will not even mind flying to nepal if only there are good deals for a weekend trip. but no matter how much i argue with myself and my bank account, 1,000 sgd for a weekend flight will never be reasonable. so, forget about the week long trip to los angeles with nats, or a visit to xavi in san diego, or a quick high to josh in seattle :(

sigh. will this restlessness ever stop?

the thought of even finding the thing that would stop the wanderlust in me scares me right now. so, is my problem really that i can not be still? or, i do not want to be still? if i have this much passion about traveling, then what am i freaking doing in this job that traps me in the corners of my freaking cubicle? okay, so i get some travel perks, that should make me happy. it does actually, and i can not almost contain myself when there are plans for the next business trips. :)

now, why am i ranting about these? lately, i got the chance to know people who are just amazingly content about where they are right now and what they are doing and i can not find an ounce of that contentment in me that i am really indeed almost convince i am suffering a chronic disease of restlessness.

is it too late to believe this is just a phase? it is just a phase. yes, this is just a phase. it's a phase! .... :x

a new world for me

what's with this world today
it is spinning in the opposite direction
my hands are trembling
cause i can not find my core, no
i can not find my core

what's with my world today
i am guided to the opposite direction
someone's holding my hand
and it feels like home, yes
it does feel like home

what's up with the world today
blowing kisses in all directions
butterflies in my hands
all these will just fade, indeed
all these will fade

this new world
it's not for me
you're not for me

the unbalanced life

inactivity can only be brought about by undisturbed immersion with work or other senseless stuffs that is most often than not accompanied by impulsive splurges or intoxication with alcohol. though i'd rather want to be preoccupied with the senseless stuffs, i'm afraid to say that it's the former, really, that has robbed me off my me-time. and i hear myself screaming, "i need a life!" behind my desk.

even if i wanted a year where i wish i could concentrate on my career for the lack of life out of it, i have desperately indulged in senseless stuffs. i guess i am putting so much energy on that since i often find my unsteady butt kicking me off my seat despite work. to prove this, i ventured on scuba diving thinking that i would make a hobby out of it. but before i could even make a plan for my first dive trip (kasi naman wala akong kasama!)or buy my own mask and snorkel, i found myself island-hopping in phuket, and planning trips to bali! and even before i could check flight schedules to start on my trip to bali, i have enrolled myself in a gym and got me a personal trainor. just thinking about how much i've splurged for it makes me wonder how shallow i've become, or rather, how shallow i've always been and it makes me so freaking guilty. maybe i am at a point where enough is enough for me?

then i came upon an article, love in the time of migration, written by Randy David, which is totally unrelated to what i'm ranting about right now. he simply quoted a sociologist which just hit me rock bottom about all this that i'm going through. it said, "“Roughly speaking, one loves not because one wants gifts, but because one wants their meaning.” .. and there's no need to elaborate on that.

touching base and moving forward

i've been wondering why i am keeping an average of almost one blog per month this year. it's not that i have stopped fighting my demons (this never fails to motivate me to rant endlessly). however, when there is too much that's going on in and out of your mind, it's either you ramble a lot of nonsense, or you are simply at loss of words. i think i am suffering from the latter.

i do not want to go back though to what the past few days were like for me. the past year, i have more than enough emotional roller coaster than i could ask for in a life time. seriously, i am tired about all this. though surprisingly, i can move on so easily now - heart ache after heart ache. life's like this and life goes on :)

so, despite the uncertainty of what the future's gonna be, there's at least one thing that i am certain about - i'll be staying for at least another year in singapore. and for the first time, i am having so many plans in this one year. i have not really explored this island so much, simply out of disinterest, despite all its beauty. now i am realizing i have been wasting weekends in this country for the past two years when there's so much more to do and places to explore besides the shopping malls (finally, these shops have lost their charm ... as long as i can keep myself as far away from them).

but as a friend said, exploring a place alone is a sad thing - for there's no one you can share the experience with. i know there's truth in that. but i just do not want to focus on the 'going alone' part of my plans. so, anyone who thinks exploring singapore is your kind of fun, there's more than enough seats in the bus for you. sakay na! :D

life's like this

i was supposed to write a detailed account on my three week vacation - 10 days in vietnam, 1 day in singapore and another 10 days in bohol. but then, the momentum is already off and i could not anymore find the mood to remember all that happened in those three weeks. so instead, i'm letting the pictures speak for themselves. at least for my vietnam trip.

i didnt go anywhere while i was in bohol, except that i was in the beach almost everyday to try my luck in scuba diving. it's a pretty exciting experience though and i could not wait for my first dive outside the course. that will be in the near future if the malaysian island getaway that we planned for next week will push through (i'm crossing my fingers).

but then, vacation's over and here i am staying up late in the office. i can see the upcoming days to be any less different. ever since i assumed a new role at work, and decided that i will be staying in singapore for at least another year, i can see myself getting more and more involved with work and simply let my social life and possibilities of relationships (yes, i'm optimistic) suffer. however, i am ready to accept that fate. i'm just afraid to admit that work is just one of the places where i feel so stable and i can get things done the way i want them to be. but outside of it, there's just too much uncertainty and fear, and i feel my life's just a mess.

missing the melodramatic self

i've been a sleepy head since i got back from my business trip. i think i am simply trying to regain back the sleep-deprived nights from the past months. all i did last weekend was sleep. my bed is getting too comfy, that it surely missed me :p

it's just been a week, and it seemed i have been away for ages. but picking up where i left off definitely does not require that much fuss. i tried to keep the weeknights busy by spending dinner with friends. it feels good to be simply around people you can be yourself with. :D

i was trying to contemplate once again how my life's been going, and where is it heading as i find myself in another crossroad. the never ending decisions that one has to make! it's tiring! but this comes with age (i'm undeniably getting old). if only we can simply just toss a coin in every decision without thinking of the what-if's, or the consequences involved. but we're logical human beings, and we do not simply blindly follow the red lights flashing that says "choose me", even if it is to our utmost desire that we want to. we have to make a logical decision. i have made a decision and i think it's logical :D i only need the courage and strength to believe that i can actually defend and stand up against this decision. i am making the big leap, the big leap of ... staying.

but well, before i do my big leap and that is if i still have my job after three weeks, i'm taking a long break. i hope i get to do the things i want to do, and i do hope this will definitely be a "break" in the truest sense of the word. i just hope this do not end up with me, broken. *sigh*

i know i am not making sense, but i do miss my melodramatic self. i guess pouring my heart out, for the web to feast on is a hard habit to break, huh? :D

on another note, my current mood can be best describe by this statement: "life is indeed a box of chocolates, mine's a liqueur filled, dark one."

locked up

one obvious sign that you are overworked is... when you find yourself locked up at the office!

the last thing that i expected that would happen to me in my not-so-short stay in the land of gold mines and safaris (yes, i'm still here), is to be locked up in the office. and not any other office, but a post office! yes, we were locked up because we tried to leave from work at 7:15 in the evening! sounds so early yet, huh? but it's a friday, and people just get lost at 3 pm around here. sometimes, just thinking about that, makes me want to move here :p

anyways, the only better thing of being locked up, is not being locked up alone. i was with my two colleagues from singapore. so i was not alone, fate was kinder. so, when the possibility of spending over night in a post office was starting to sink in, we got busy of thinking for other alternatives - like breaking the window grills by the stairs, and jumping off, if we managed to squeeze ourserlves in the small window . we will just have to worry about the bruises later.

crying for help

but where's the key?

the other alternative was to call for help - and i have only two persons in my mind. the first option was to call my one and only colleague based in our south africa branch (yes, it's a one-man office here). but good luck to us if he can do something about it as he is on his way home to botswana. but at least he might know whom to call to get us out of the place. the next option is the technical manager of our client. i had his number because i've been calling him the past weeks each time i have problems with our servers. embarrassing it might seem, but he's the only other person i could think of, and he just lives on the next town (at least not on the next country).

so we called him, and explained the unfortunate situation that just happened. i tried to be calm and hide my embarrassment, after profusely apologizing for the trouble. however, he also had no idea whom to call as he was just a third-party contractor working for our real client. the only option left was for him to escalate the matter to our client. that would mean, the whole office would know about this come monday... not only that, this matter would definitely reach our chief relations officer in our head office in europe. i was right, a few minutes later, i received a call. news do travel fast! i was told that our client was on the line explaining the little situation we have stirred in a cold, supposedly quiet friday night in the local post office. waaah! so, i explained we were trying to work a bit late that night. i guess that made a good impression cause i got good news. i was told that rescue would be coming in a few minutes. yey! :) yes, it was the technical manager who drived from the next town, back to the office, just to get us out, and drive us safely to our hotel. it's nice to be working with great people, isn't it? everyone was concerned at our own safety, and i am just mighty glad for that.

so, i'm sleeping comfortably here in my hotel room, and not in a post office.

my heart's content

jason sent me an sms two days ago about making plans for my birthday. suddenly, i found myself not knowing what to reply. i don't really feel comfortable about making plans on that day of the year. i can make plans for other people's birthday or any celebration for that matter without sweat, but i can't feel the same excitement when it's about planning for my birthday.

i need to be pushed by friends to celebrate my birthday. it's not that i am not thankful for birthdays. i indeed am, really, seriously thankful. but i am really not comfortable planning about how to celebrate it without that much pressing on. so i really thought these would be just one of those birthdays where i'd let the day pass. then, when i become comfortable thinking about how to spend it with friends, in a day or two, i'd come up of a way to celebrate it.

then, monday came, that's two days before my birthday, greetings already came flying. but not because they just wanted to greet me in advance, rather, they mistook me for another liz who's celebrating also their birthdays on successive dates as mine - the 3rd, and 4th. how coincidental is that? there must be something about march and my name. now, i can't help wonder about how my mother came up with the name. all the while, i was thinking she just picked it up randomly, when i was secretly wishing my name would be elizabeth. but that's another story.

so i've been receiving very very early greetings, and apologies for those who mistook me as the other liz on their friends list :D despite that, i realized my social circle has really grown. thanks to the great people i met in sfc :)

back to jason's message about making a plan, tuesday came, and i still don't have plans. i was close to asking him to have dinner with me if i could not think of something. however, i'm learning to wait these days. maybe, there'll be plans later. i don't need to rush. (sorry bro, naging back up plan kita! haha! but i know you won't mind for you are such a great friend :p).. besides, i have a movie date with my household that day, so i'll just focus on that first. maybe, something in the movie would influence me on how i should spend my birthday. :D

however, to my utmost surprise.. the movie date was just a front. these girls from my household actually planned on a pre-birthday dinner for me.. with a really, really cute gift, and balloons! oh, and a cake and a candle too :D it's only in singapore that i really have these surprises on my birthdays.. and i just got one of the best on my third birthday here. well, too bad i wasn't a crybaby, para complete ang drama! haha. but i guess with the big big smile i was wearing the whole night, i bet it wasn't difficult for them to be convinced how happy they made me. everything was just simply overwhelming..thanks guys! thanks for the wishes too.. :)

now, the big day has come.. and i don't need to make plans. the roseville gurls and friends, are organizing a dinner for me.. yey! my family back in the philippines may not be here physically, but they have never failed to show me their love. and with all these, my family, my friends, my crossroads, i feel the abundance of my blessings. for this, may God be praised!

bubbly over hearts day

ever since i've broken off the last string of attachment, i've tried to change tunes in my iPod. however, in the wee hours of the hearts day, i couldn't help but miss the old familiar tunes of colbie caillat and corinne bailey rae that i've grown to love the past months. probably because there's so much in the lyrics of their songs that hit me at the right spot these days.

the past days, i've been trying to ignore people who are just making a big fuss about the upcoming hearts day. this week, two friends have cried out to me the words i have been deaf to... 'i so want to fall in love'..

well, before you think i've gone cold or bitter about romantic love.. i do want to fall in love still... and i'm still on search for my greatest love ever.. however, i simply don't feel the need to be in love right now. let's say i've just had enough of falling in and out of love the past year, that i want to celebrate my being single this hearts day. i'm already so full of how things are going on with my life right now, how should that not be enough?

i just wonder how we got to make being single on the hearts day sound so pathetic? must be all the commercialism .. but really, come to think of it.. there's nothing desperate or pathetic about that. to recall my past celebrations of the hearts day, not a bouquet of red roses, or a box of chocolates could beat the best hearts day that i had.. where ri, nats and i, tried to roam around manila to look for a great place to have dinner.. we were two blocks away from the bombing of a bus near sm makati mrt station.. we walked down a stairway filled with candle lights, and entered a hotel lobby (was it at manila pen??), filled with couples on their romantic dates, as we were in our most bitter single selves.. (just imagine what we were going through by simply walking on that staircase) but then, we ended up enjoying the rest of the memorable night at the UP fair. you see, it's not about what you get to receive from a loved one, but how you get to spend this day that really matters...whether it be with your lovey-dovey or your best single pals.

janeth and i have celebrated the eve of hearts day, in the most impulsive way that we can think of.. we just bought what could be our most expensive buys to date.. which i would like to blog about separately.. then, we both enjoyed some great music at timbre bar, which has an exquisitely great view of the boat quay, over a bottle of wine, baked mussels, bacon wrapped prawns, and four cheese pizza. well, we weren't really hungry and we didn't get drunk at all before midnight. yeah right!

well.. we were not trying to appear desperate... a bottle of wine was just cheaper over two glasses of our favorite cocktails..so why not get a bottle of wine instead? hehehe.. besides, there were lots that we toasted on over the hearts day.. as much as i would like to remember what they were.. all i could recall are :

cheers to the men who came into our lives, who webbed colorful threads, and somehow, made some portions in our lives worth retelling :D

cheers to all the bitterness gone .. (really, they should have been down the drain a long time ago, but basking on them do serve the lessons that we have learned .. and still should learn)

cheers to the exciting year that's to come .. (we never know how this year would turn out, most specially when you're single..)

cheers to a happy life.. and how we should be luvin it. (hehehe must be the alcohol, but i did try to convince janeth that i'm just happy right now, and i can't find the words to defend it)

so.. happy hearts day everyone!

post c.n.y. blues

i can't believe the four-day weekend is over.

gawd..how these four days have gone by so quickly and how things have turned out so .. so ... darn unexpectedly! i am back at the moment where i would catch myself laying down in bed and think... WHAT THE HECK DID I PUT MYSELF INTO????? don't you just wish that sometimes we didn't do what we just did, and that we can forget the things that just happened.. and everything else was just a bad dream??

a few days ago, i was dusting off stardusts.. i was seriously looking forward for a fresh start and i am supposed to be happy now and finally be just content. but then, i have to screw everything up. it is my free-spirited, and a-little-bit-of-a-biatch (haha di pa gyud mu-angkon na full pledge :p) side of me that's got to blame for that. sometimes i really wonder why do i have so much carefree attitude that i always fail to think of the consequences of my own actions? it's too cowardly, and too immature.

sometimes, i just never learn. hayy .. kanindut duklon! i really do need to learn to pick myself up this time.

i know it's always never too late to make right the things we did wrong. however, the more important thing that we too have to keep in mind is that we should not waste our second-chance's.

exhausted

i just feel so exhausted today. it's like i am going to be really really sick or i am just simply imagining things because i'm definitely, definitely, just tired.

one misconception that i have for the year ahead was that i thought this year would be the year of opportunities and i must meet them with high spirits as i try to grab each one that comes along. however, with the things that has been going about, i have learned that to be able to move forward, i have to learn and practice to wait.

i have written about this waiting thing already, and it's been just less than a week and i say it's not easy. patience is indeed a virtue i do not possess. then i came across this video from charming's blog, and i say it hit me on the spot.

"You gotta slow down your life or you’re gonna be dead.” :D

so, how do i start?

dusting off those stardusts

so, i didnt get to say what i wanted to say. i just sat there, looking back at you, wishing my eyes didn't betray how my heart felt at that instant. you smiled, then i just smiled back filling in the awkward silence. it was kinda funny actually, being there with you at that moment. we were both in a situation where we know that words would be unnecessary. some things are simply better kept unknown, they won't make much of a difference anyways. so why bother?

i don't think i am really good with goodbyes. and if that would be the last time that i will get to see you, then at least i have more happy memories to look back to. you had me swoon in your arms and made me last through the holidays without being nostalgic. you were lots of things to me despite it all. you came like the knight in shining armor. then just before you had to go, you taught me how to fight my fears. you were the angel who showed me how to fly (though i know you don't actually believe in that). it is simply sad to let you go so easily like that - a simple shrug on my shoulder and you were gone.

my mind and my heart are so full of contradictions right now. i know i have all the right to be mad. but i also have the right to be happy. i choose 'happy'. i know i will be happier that things ended the way it just did. this broken feeling that's consuming me right now is simply temporary. it will be over soon.

a fresh start

today is officially the first day where i trudge down the road to making things right. no matter how heart-wrenching were the decisions that i had to make, i know it's all for my own good.

i am starting clean. i have cleared out the obstructions that would only sway me away from my real goals. then, i have to learn to be patient this month. there's gonna be lots of waiting this february. hopefully, things would start moving come march.

ja, ganbatte!

great expectations

i know it happens most of the time where our own actions lead people to the wrong conclusions. sometimes, we get too unaware of what we're doing that we do not mind how people really see our intentions. but most of the time, not minding is the only way to do it because we couldn't really care less how people see through our own gestures as long as we know what we are up to.

if we get too conscious about how we behave, what we say, we end up actually doing things or saying things that we don't intend to. well, that has been my case anyways. in cases like this, i have the tendency to get too uptight that i end up saying things that i don't really mean. that's why i stopped minding (if i can help it).

now, it is not most of the time though that somebody comes to you and tell you about what they think of you. then you get into a situation where you are simply left surprised and betrayed at the same time from the conclusions drawn. there were just too many mixed signals in the air and we're left helpless and hurt because we have just been judged wrongly.

i think this is just a result of people having too many expectations. sometimes, really, before drawing lines in a relationship, things should be clear of what to expect and what not to expect... however, that looses the essence of knowing someone because you simply would know when to not get too close. however too, it could work the other way around. you could make it work to your advantage if you don't expect anything from anyone at all.

i don't know if i am really making sense here.. but well, it really is simply frustrating when you're so over with these expectations, someone gets to you and say you're having too many of them. geez.

learning to wait

i once had a conversation with my friend marj about how we tend to get impatient about a lot of things in our lives most especially those that are beyond our control. being a very impulsive person, i have made a lot of mistakes in my life. looking back, i didn't have regrets because i insisted on learning the lessons that i get out of each experience. however, the mistakes have become a cycle. then it just shows i haven't learned a thing at all.

now, i am learning to wait. i am learning to wait for my future to unfold. it's exciting in a way, and scary all together. but i am praying for strength... for strength to make things right this time. i have friends and family to help me sort things out, and they are the angels who have taught me how to fly. i'm undeniably grateful for that.

i know there's one more thing that i need to do. i'm scared if i might not be able to say the things that i needed to say without having to cover myself with my pride. though i admit i am still praying that i might have the easiest escape, like i always resort to, whenever i have to face my own fears. but nah.. i promised myself.. kakayanin ko to :)

i read this forwarded email from www.wau.org.. it's the meditation from today's gospel.. it came to me like an answered prayer.

This may be a time of waiting, or it may be a time of deeper prayer and fellowship with Jesus. Perhaps God is calling you to read his word a bit more every day or to experiment with sharing your faith with a neighbor. Whatever the case, God is watching over you, giving you opportunities for your faith to blossom and bear marvelous fruit.

Are you ready to grow? Do you want to see more of God in your life? Look inward! Don't just try to do all the right things (which you must), but look to the work of the Spirit in your heart as well. Is he trying to put some sin to death in you? Is he trying to help you get over a wound that someone has left you with? Give the Spirit the chance to take the seed of your faith and grow it into something magnificent.

"Father, I say yes to you today in everything you ask of me. Take hold of my life more deeply and reveal your will for my life. Build a firm foundation within me that I might also help others to know you."

i am writing this.. so that whenever i get the itch to be impulsive again, i'll have something to remind me ... that i really do need to sit and wait sometimes, and all else will just unfold in the right place. :)

an angel brought me here

i know i have been really whiny and disappointed about many things when the year started. then there comes these crossroads that i just overlooked and consider them as hindrances instead of seeing them as opportunities. i was creating problems when all that ever came pouring are actually blessings. all i needed was to be really pushed to the edge to realize that. and i am thankful to have met someone who did just that. i bet i would still have been burying my head under the pillows up to now if he wasnt around. now, i can't stop smiling cuz there are indeed lots to be thankful for.

don't get me wrong. i haven't shouted eureka yet! i still don't know the answers to my questions. i still do not know what i really want in this life. i still have no idea how to save the world. but i just feel i am getting there. (hehehe feeling lang pala :p)

but what's really important that i learned today.. sometimes, we don't really need wings, cuz we got angels to show us how to fly. :)

work hard, party harder

i think this somehow is true. one reason that life's been busy aside from whining, is that i've been really spending too much work at work (duh!).. seriously! since i arrived here in january, i have been rendering too many overtime work, without pay of course, because the tasks just wouldn't stop pouring!

the only reason that i get to leave the office early, is because i have a scheduled night out with friends :D but i am not complaining :) i don't often go to clark quay right after my friends and i discovered movida at the powerstation. but this month, i found myself hitting the area every weekend.

last saturday was an ala united nations gimik. i was with my spanish friend, his french colleague, and the vietnamese roommie. then later, a brit and two africans joined us who were acquaintances of the guys that i was with. they partied like they knew each other for a long time and not only the week before that. :D we started with a bottle of wine before dinner, a caipirinha after it, and a few bottles of vodka with tons of dancing later. :)

wla lang.. lingaw lang ko sa ako ka-kiat these days. :D

back at the crossroads

i know all of us have some dreams that vary from simple to the out-of-this-world kind. then we also have our short term goals and long term goals that should somehow be paved in a way that it will lead us to achieving our dreams. then we think of how long will it take us to get these dreams to reality? what sacrifices we have to make? or, should we just wait for all else to fall down in our laps like it is simply just meant to be?

each time i get to a crossroad in my life, where i have to choose to jump the big leap, or take on the less risky route, i always end up with the eternal question : what on earth is my long term goal? which of these options will lead me there? if all options do coincide with my goals, how should i choose then? on another note, how do i see myself eon of years from now, in case i do get to live as old as moses did? okay, seriously, what do i really want from this life?

this, by far, is the most difficult thing for me to answer. i want to live a simple life, therefore, i am meant to have simple goals - the feasible, and achievable kind. now, the question is... why am i not even getting there? but then, that leads me back to my first problem.. am i sure i know where exactly is "there" in the first place?

but really, if i try to look deeply into this, all i can see is that the universe is just so big from where i'm sitting! it is difficult to pick a good place for ... my next pit stop.

not getting anywhere

i would have wanted to say that the reason for my blogless days would be that I was too busy learning how to fly this january. you see, i had so much hopes for this year, and if i were to choose i'd be packing my bags already and be off to my next destination.

however, i am far from that. i often find myself burried with work because it is the easiest escape i can find. it seems all else in life that i think should matter have remained elusive. then things got blurry that i could not even start pointing out what else really matter now.

i have to start finding the courage to speak what my heart so desires before i can say i have actually done something. instead i still get cold feet and choose to waste my dreams on my pillows at night. then i get to bitch about my insecurities by day. some tough act i got.

i'll never get anywhere if i continue to be like this. january is about to end and i have not even started picking up my wings. i guess i might as well forget about love ever finding me.

this year

it is almost mid january and i still do not know how to wrap up how my christmas vacation went. i have been travelling most of the time that it was getting difficult to catch up with my own pace. i do need to really slow down. now that i am back here in singapore, i think i can do that for a while.

i welcomed the year with a bit of sadness and excitement as i tried to drown myself with a bottle of wine listening to the stories of my older brothers and sisters. i was trying to be attentive, but the wine tasted better. the priest's homily on the new year eve mass that we attended earlier was still ringing in my ears.... "peace has become something that is elusive". wherever we look, that is the reality right now. even in a smaller scale, that is the reality i am facing.

earlier last december, i was awaiting for this year with much gusto. like something inevitable, something i've been wanting for so long has finally come. then i realize i do not even know what it is that i am waiting for. if it is what i think it is, am i even ready for it? i may have made plans last year, and i think i am even nearing my goals now. however, i can not deny that there's still so much uncertainty ahead and it gets scary if i try to dig deeper.

i do not want to put so much negativity and paranoia in me, as i have had enough of that when the year started.

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh...

This year, I'll reach the pinnacle
This year, I'll get to the top
People will ask where she get that energy
This year, I'm never gonna stop

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun

I'm gonna have fun
Just watch me now
This year
This year
This year

-"This Year",Chantal Kreviazuk