moral of the story

the eternal lesson that i have to learn ...

"Never Leave Your Heart Alone" - Butterfly Boucher (Grey's Anatomy)

And it's open
For distraction
You found all the words you need
Well I found nothing
I just grumble
'cause I don't know what I feel

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
Never leave your heart... alone

Run for shelter
An umbrella
Fights the rain but not the wind
And I'd be silly
To start preaching
'cause I don't know which point to make!

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up
With cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
...Never leave your heart... alone

Am I frozen?
But it's summer!
Is that rain or is that me?
Yes I'm melting
Please be happy
One day soon
We might just swim

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up with cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
....Never leave your heart
.... Never leave your heart alone

great expectations

i know it happens most of the time where our own actions lead people to the wrong conclusions. sometimes, we get too unaware of what we're doing that we do not mind how people really see our intentions. but most of the time, not minding is the only way to do it because we couldn't really care less how people see through our own gestures as long as we know what we are up to.

if we get too conscious about how we behave, what we say, we end up actually doing things or saying things that we don't intend to. well, that has been my case anyways. in cases like this, i have the tendency to get too uptight that i end up saying things that i don't really mean. that's why i stopped minding (if i can help it).

now, it is not most of the time though that somebody comes to you and tell you about what they think of you. then you get into a situation where you are simply left surprised and betrayed at the same time from the conclusions drawn. there were just too many mixed signals in the air and we're left helpless and hurt because we have just been judged wrongly.

i think this is just a result of people having too many expectations. sometimes, really, before drawing lines in a relationship, things should be clear of what to expect and what not to expect... however, that looses the essence of knowing someone because you simply would know when to not get too close. however too, it could work the other way around. you could make it work to your advantage if you don't expect anything from anyone at all.

i don't know if i am really making sense here.. but well, it really is simply frustrating when you're so over with these expectations, someone gets to you and say you're having too many of them. geez.

taking on a challenge

after pouring my heart out in my previous blog about my current obsession, surprisingly, i found a surge of peacefulness within me that i could not find anything to blog about. my emotions have gone blank. zilch. does this mean that i have managed to make peace with my own demons? or simply put, have i moved on? or ... have i gotten numb?

hmm, i am not too sure if there's even something to move on about the whole thing. i can't say if getting a "closure" would even make a difference. it didn't do a thing when i struggled for it before, so how could it possibly put things in a different perspective now? come to think of it, "closure" is like this thin thread where hopeless romantics desperately hang on to. once you've let go, you realize you were holding on to the wrong thread nweys. so what's there to loose, but time? (well, there's a thought i could bang my head with from time to time.) maybe, indeed, i've gotten numb.

nweys, i am not about to go gushing once again about my own histoire d'amour. all these thoughts just came when i've decided to take on a challenge which i found from charming's website - the NaBloPoMo, where you need to blog about anything everyday for the whole month of november. that's every freaking single day, and i got a life outside work too, if you haven't noticed.

while i was on the bus on my way home from the gym (yes, i'm trying to be a health buff), i was really up for this challenge. i was composing my thoughts on what could i possibly blog about every single day, where i don't have to dwell much on my geeky, nerdy job. that's when i realized that i've burried the hatchet after killing my own demons when i openly wrote about letting go. well, i am not really too sure about killing my own demons. i'm making friends with them would be more like it. befriend your own enemies, as they say. hehehehe. and of course i'm kidding.

okay, there goes the only complex thing in my life these days. dans l'absence d'amour, what is left for me to write? naks.. seriously, what's left for me to rant about? new shoes? new sale? new dish to cook? ... new obsession? hmm..

oh well .. peu importe. i can still very much rant about anything under the sun nweys.

ja, ganbatte! :D

making it a grey matter

the caffeine-overdosed, slightly tipsy zombie is still awake. she's torturing her already pathetic self with heart-wrenching last episodes of grey's anatomy season 3, trying hard (but failing terribly) not to relate her miserable relationship angsts to whatever the equally misarble characters are facing.

she tells herself, tears are for sissies. no one cries over a jerk.. but darn, mcsteamy's just so freaking hot. her mind wanders about ways to nurture her maternal instincts, whilst she runs away to the farthest corner at the hint of a coming proposal. the next thing she knew, she made herself vulnerable and jumped at the next guy available. headlights were flashing everywhere, but she was just too stubborn to pay attention. she believed she knew all about the game. she thought she was in control and she can handle it all. but when her own emotions betrayed her, she realized that she's just as naive, optimistic and hopeful like any little girl dreaming about the one day when prince charming will come. the biatch in her thinks that really really sucks.

but then, the drama's over when the show stops. tears have dried up, and reality is starting to sink in. however, these words from one of the episodes will remain:

desire leaves our heart broken, it wears us out
desire can wreck your life

but as tough as wanting something can be,
the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want

can't date friends (part 2)

someone once asked me why i don't date friends (gusto siguro ko i-date :p). i answered with indignation, like you would in any conversation where you make sure there's no place for an argument to follow, "i just don't. period." but of course there were lot's of questions right after (persistent! hehehe :p).

nweyz, to be honest, i couldn't just simply blurt out the real reason. it's one of those questions where the real answer can only be revealed by exposing an old wound that's taking too long to heal. i don't want to do that.

i have nothing against guy friends. really. they're great replacements when boyfriends aren't handy. :) falling in love with your best friend is indeed romantic. the part where i think that it's all crap was just the bitter side of me which i'm trying so hard to rub off.

let's say, hypothetically (take note, hypothetically!).. i was slowly falling for a very close friend but i was keeping that to myself cause i don't want to make our relationship go to that direction. then suddenly, he tells me that he has this romantic feelings towards me all the while. the initial reaction is to be ecstatic about it, right? there would be butterflies in your stomach, blood rushing to your cheeks, heartbeats would be raising, heaven shouting halleluias. then your mind would stop functioning, cuz it's all about the heart this time. what could be a more romantic way to start the relationship? tell the world you're inlove and both of you will live happily (n')ever after.

but that thing never happens to me. the moment the guy tells me about how he feels, just rightbefore the part where butterflies come into my stomach, a huge rock of hesitation falls right infront of my face and BAM! all the butterflies get killed. (*eyes rolling*) seriously, the heartbeat raising moment gets cut short because of unwarranted thoughts of hesitations surging into my mind and try to get ahead with my emotions with flashing headlights. i tell myself, "he's a really good friend and he makes you laugh, and he's smart, and sensitive ... BUT, does he drive a porsche? does he own a penthouse?".... okay, i'm kidding. seriously, i'd be telling myself for several times about how
much we're having a great time as friends. am i willing to loose that? "of course! now that i can finally have my man, why not, donut?"

how i wish it's easy to say that. relationship fears starts to sink in, real hard and it's just so difficult to get away with them. sleepless nights then follow, weighing what-should and what-should-not-be. like reasoning with your heart is an easy feat. not for me, anyways.

i can't really say anything against having two good friends falling for each other. it's like a very natural thing to happen. it's not about falling into your comfort zone, nor settling with the next available guy there is. it's about developing a connection with someone that you least expect. someone who has been there with you all along but discovering a new person at the same time.

however, some people leave, and some just get left behind. at one moment, you can really be so close with someone, then the next, you are going separate paths already. my point is, it's rare for old lovers to be friends after a relationship. but good friends, they will be there for you no matter what.. for friendship is borderless.

so, i don't really know how to conclude this. i don't know how the cards will turn out. i'm not brave enough to risk a good friendship even if it could be worth it this time. but, i'm also in no position to tell what's worth it and what's not anymore. nothing has proven me anything yet.

can't date friends (part 1)

most people would say that one of the best relationships exist when two best friends fall in love. on the other hand, i've always believed that as crap. i'd be lying if i don't admit that as something that's totally romantic. however, it's still crap.

i firmly believed that two people of the opposite sex can be the best of friends with both parties not remotely entertaining thoughts of attraction for the other.but who was i kidding? there's always one party who betrays the other. i had been best friends with a few guys to realize that in all relationships, i've betrayed my own beliefs. i was just too proud to admit it then.

whenever i felt the attraction building up inside me for my best guy friend of the moment, i never really entertain it. i'm good at suppressing my feelings. and when i do just that without telling anyone, whatever attraction was felt, will just die down and disappear into oblivion. maybe that's why i thought that a platonic relationship can really exist because i was hiding the evidence.

however, something happens that you can't deny. the other party then starts to betray your friendship. there's always a confession of feelings or most guys just acts on the physical attraction when they feel it. they hesitate, but they still act on it. that's when my advocacy for platonic relationships gets crumbled.

i hate the betrayal, but not long enough to admit to myself that i just got scared. then the moment just simply passes me by. so does the old friendship. but when i've overcome that, that's when the real friendship supposedly starts to exist. however, you're only lucky if the other party is even around for that.