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it's past 2 am, and i am just dead tired after having a night out with my closest friends. we were dancing like frenzy in a club, stripping off any fear that anyone might recognise us (twas just the two of us on the dance floor). even if it were some tough chance, we couldn't care less. i had a rough week, i needed those few minutes or hours to let all inhibitions loose.
i can't believe that i've finally confronted one of my fears. i've actually acknowledged the presence of death, when all of my life i've dreaded the subject, like it was some taboo. but this time, i had the courage to even think about it, converse about its presence with my innerself, letting any suicidal tendency out. sometimes i feel it's the influence of the current book i'm reading (The devil and miss prym, by paolo coelho). when you know there's nothing that you could loose in this life, the stronger you become when facing your fears.
tough of me, huh? must be the depression that went through. i think it's brought by me gnawing all my insecurities. life's been rough, most specially when you can't find a reason to last you through a day. it's difficult enough when nightfall comes, and you lay in bed thinking about another dreadful day. how can you last through a day, when you barely could survive the night?
yes, i've had these moments. there are times where i forget my own reason for living. but i am just lucky enough to realize how much of a fool i am for thinking that way. God just whispers at the right moment, where i still see the goodness around me, despite my own selfish thoughts. then, i pause and think of my own naivete. i've simply allowed myself to be eaten by my own unwillingness to see the brighter side of life.
an american writer once said, "The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone". i needed someone else to tell me to stop on depending at what other people or things can provide to give me that sense of purpose, of fulfillment. i was simply looking at the wrong places. i guess i have to start looking at myself, and how i've viewed myself and how my life should find meaning in this chaotic, yet wonderful world. i should start looking at how much of myself i can give to others.
i attended an early mass despite the heavy rain. i needed that early conversation with God. i needed an assurance from him that my life's going to be alright. i know, i'm just being stubborn. but the Holy mass just gives me a different kind of peace. now, i feel stronger. i have this sense of purpose,which i think has not yet been unfolded. but in the right time, i'll find out.
so for the meantime, i'm just letting the sunshine in.
a nice reflection from yesterday's gospel(Mt 5,38-42) from www.dailygospel.org. these are from the Poems: “Vivre d’amour” [Living of Love] and “Pourquoi je t’aime, รด Marie” [Why I love you, o Mary]
To live of Love is to give without measure,
without demanding a salary here below.
Ah! I give without counting, very sure
that when you love, you don’t write a bill!
To the Divine Heart, overflowing with tenderness,
I have given all … lightly I run.
I no longer have anything except my only wealth:
To live of Love.
To live of Love is to banish all fear,
every memory of past faults.
I see no trace of my sins,
in an instant, love burned it all!
Divine flame, o very sweet blaze,
in your hearth I settle down to stay.
In your fire I am at ease to sing (cf. Dan 3:51):
“I live of Love!”…
“To live of Love, what strange madness,”
The world tells me. “Ah! Stop singing,
don’t lose your perfume, your life.
Know how to use them usefully!”
To love you, Jesus, what a fruitful loss!
All my perfume is yours without return.
I want to sing while leaving this world:
“I am dying of Love!”
* * * * *
To love is to give all and to give oneself.
okay, so i've made a fetish of cleaning my nails. i've been doing this when i was in college (coz my allowance didn't include salon visits!). usually, it would take me an hour or two to attain the grooming that i want for my nails. believe me, it's difficult when you do your own toes. it takes some acrobatic skills just to be able to get those cuticles properly removed. just imagine how delighted i was when i finally get to afford salon visits! i always treat myself at least twice a month for a good manicure, pedicure and sometimes foot spa (nakaka-miss naman!).
but that was then. now that i am here in sg, i couldn't afford going to nail salons anymore. :( it's so expensive leh! averaging a thousand pesos for well-manicured nails, and another thousand for a pedicure. no way would i spend money for that. i'd just buy myself a new pair of shoes. i'm practical too, y'know.
so, ever since i came here, i only had nail-cutter clean toenails. it's frustrating sometimes seeing your nails pale, with the skin around it easily getting dry and dead skin growing around them. you might think that nail-polish would be a quick solution to that. but that would be cheating your feet and i'm not a nail-polish kind of person.. well, polished nails are good when you're attending some events that require you to dress up and you need to wear really, sexy strappy sandals. but it's not good to wear them daily. it keeps your nails discolored and unhealthy looking. but most of all, i'm
really bad at nail polishes. i can't get it's worth coz i couldn't keep them for 24 hrs without getting smudged!
anyways, i finally bought me a manicure/pedicure set (pusher, nail brush and cuticle remover) last weekend. and tonite, i finally got a quality time with my feet just like when i was in college. well-groomed toenails always lifts my mood! (hmm, reminds me, i was tagged by claire to write about my joys and delights... this definitely is one of them).
blogging about nails might make me seem that i am a shallow person, but i can't help it. my slight obsession for pedicures has its history - i love shoes! i can't go on about that here, this blog is supposed to be about my toenails. so i am dedicating a separate entry for my love for shoes. :D
okay, so i was never a fan of the world cup, nor i know anything about soccer except for what the soccer ball and those soccer shoes look like. well, of course i know beckham cause he's just so hot! But that's all changed now. this year's world cup's hype has finally got me. i'm starting to see this as one of the most interesting games.
my friends and i watched the opening yesterday over a few cans of carlsberg beer (mura ug true). yes, we stayed up late and finished the opening match between germany and costa rica. surprisingly, we enjoyed the whole game. we were screaming on every near goals and kicks. i didn't know this game could be this entertaining. no wonder so many are hooked by it. well, we were even crazy enough to think that we could try to play it. insane? totally! :D
just to prove that we're really hooked now, we watched the documentary about the complete story of the world cup, like where the first world cup was played, and how Pele became the legend that he is now. so, i'm really serious about this already.
fifa 2006 fever is just heating up and it's nice to be able to be a part of this. even just as a fan. i have no team favorite yet, and i've just started to know who's really the stars on this game. but still, i'm as excited as who's going to win this year's cup :) (how i wish mediacorp 5 would be airing more games!)
nats suggested that we do at least one crazy thing to commemorate yesterday's date. soon enough, she and ri had already chipped in details of what they did, effortlessly i suppose. that left me worried, and pressured on what crazy thing to do to make the day memorable enough. well, for a miss prim and proper like me, that would be such a task! YEAH, RIGHT! hehe.
so the rest of the afternoon, i contemplated about it, not because i don't want to be left out from my friends, but i might be needing it. not that i haven't had done enough crazy things in my life already, but rather, it's a you-need-it-for-the-moment kind of thing. so i put my work aside, and try to think of some decent crazy things to do before the day ends and here's what i've come up with:
1. go to bugis junction and get the ride on the DHL hot air balloon.. alone. then decide later if i'd want to jump from mid-air.
2. dress up and go to a bar at clark quay, get drunk on a weekday.
3. splurge on a very expensive bag and shoes to match .. i've been eyeing on this pink guess bag, and that nine west sandals at raffles shopping centre .
4. go to planet fitness at suntec city and sign up for that very expensive fitness membership program. just like flushing some bucks into the toilet bowl, which i do not have the luxury to do.
5. book a return trip ticket to hongkong today without second thoughts
of course the day passed without any of the things above was ever done. rather, i just splurged on kose beauty products. well, if it wasn't well recommended by ria, i wouldn't be thinking of buying it. who knows, ma invite din ako ng dinner sa hyatt? (walay connection..hehehe)
well, i almost did number 5 though. i was really on the verge of booking a return ticket to hongkong. but 'twas already past 12 am when i've thought about it. so the pressure's off already. si ria man gud, kelangan daw mag apply jud ko sa peel off mask muna. the good excuse to do a crazy thing day's over. but that doesn't mean that i won't be booking a return ticket to hongkong.
