chronic restlessness

if restlessness is a disease, i could be suffering a chronic one. i have blogged countless times about this restlessness, the itch to be somewhere other than here. and, i have always made myself believe that the only way that can make me still is to find someone, or something to anchor me.

but i was wrong. i think i'm wrong. i had never been so restless in my life as i am right now. not even the tons of work that has managed to make me sleepless the past months had done anything about the restlessness. rather, it had made me more restless than ever. i dream about places i'd like to travel. i plan on trips that i know i just do not have the luxury to indulge in. i have visited airline websites for the next available flights for the next best destinations and mentally justifying the splurge i am about to take. i have even checked what is the best weekend trip to make other than batam or bintan in indonesia, or malacca in malaysia (why not?). only if spending 1,000 sgd is justifiable, i would have booked a flight to chiang mai in thailand, or bali in indonesia. if only budget airlines offer a good weekend flight schedules to siem reap in cambodia, i would be taking pictures of angkor wat this weekend now. i will not even mind flying to nepal if only there are good deals for a weekend trip. but no matter how much i argue with myself and my bank account, 1,000 sgd for a weekend flight will never be reasonable. so, forget about the week long trip to los angeles with nats, or a visit to xavi in san diego, or a quick high to josh in seattle :(

sigh. will this restlessness ever stop?

the thought of even finding the thing that would stop the wanderlust in me scares me right now. so, is my problem really that i can not be still? or, i do not want to be still? if i have this much passion about traveling, then what am i freaking doing in this job that traps me in the corners of my freaking cubicle? okay, so i get some travel perks, that should make me happy. it does actually, and i can not almost contain myself when there are plans for the next business trips. :)

now, why am i ranting about these? lately, i got the chance to know people who are just amazingly content about where they are right now and what they are doing and i can not find an ounce of that contentment in me that i am really indeed almost convince i am suffering a chronic disease of restlessness.

is it too late to believe this is just a phase? it is just a phase. yes, this is just a phase. it's a phase! .... :x

the unbalanced life

inactivity can only be brought about by undisturbed immersion with work or other senseless stuffs that is most often than not accompanied by impulsive splurges or intoxication with alcohol. though i'd rather want to be preoccupied with the senseless stuffs, i'm afraid to say that it's the former, really, that has robbed me off my me-time. and i hear myself screaming, "i need a life!" behind my desk.

even if i wanted a year where i wish i could concentrate on my career for the lack of life out of it, i have desperately indulged in senseless stuffs. i guess i am putting so much energy on that since i often find my unsteady butt kicking me off my seat despite work. to prove this, i ventured on scuba diving thinking that i would make a hobby out of it. but before i could even make a plan for my first dive trip (kasi naman wala akong kasama!)or buy my own mask and snorkel, i found myself island-hopping in phuket, and planning trips to bali! and even before i could check flight schedules to start on my trip to bali, i have enrolled myself in a gym and got me a personal trainor. just thinking about how much i've splurged for it makes me wonder how shallow i've become, or rather, how shallow i've always been and it makes me so freaking guilty. maybe i am at a point where enough is enough for me?

then i came upon an article, love in the time of migration, written by Randy David, which is totally unrelated to what i'm ranting about right now. he simply quoted a sociologist which just hit me rock bottom about all this that i'm going through. it said, "“Roughly speaking, one loves not because one wants gifts, but because one wants their meaning.” .. and there's no need to elaborate on that.

touching base and moving forward

i've been wondering why i am keeping an average of almost one blog per month this year. it's not that i have stopped fighting my demons (this never fails to motivate me to rant endlessly). however, when there is too much that's going on in and out of your mind, it's either you ramble a lot of nonsense, or you are simply at loss of words. i think i am suffering from the latter.

i do not want to go back though to what the past few days were like for me. the past year, i have more than enough emotional roller coaster than i could ask for in a life time. seriously, i am tired about all this. though surprisingly, i can move on so easily now - heart ache after heart ache. life's like this and life goes on :)

so, despite the uncertainty of what the future's gonna be, there's at least one thing that i am certain about - i'll be staying for at least another year in singapore. and for the first time, i am having so many plans in this one year. i have not really explored this island so much, simply out of disinterest, despite all its beauty. now i am realizing i have been wasting weekends in this country for the past two years when there's so much more to do and places to explore besides the shopping malls (finally, these shops have lost their charm ... as long as i can keep myself as far away from them).

but as a friend said, exploring a place alone is a sad thing - for there's no one you can share the experience with. i know there's truth in that. but i just do not want to focus on the 'going alone' part of my plans. so, anyone who thinks exploring singapore is your kind of fun, there's more than enough seats in the bus for you. sakay na! :D

locked up

one obvious sign that you are overworked is... when you find yourself locked up at the office!

the last thing that i expected that would happen to me in my not-so-short stay in the land of gold mines and safaris (yes, i'm still here), is to be locked up in the office. and not any other office, but a post office! yes, we were locked up because we tried to leave from work at 7:15 in the evening! sounds so early yet, huh? but it's a friday, and people just get lost at 3 pm around here. sometimes, just thinking about that, makes me want to move here :p

anyways, the only better thing of being locked up, is not being locked up alone. i was with my two colleagues from singapore. so i was not alone, fate was kinder. so, when the possibility of spending over night in a post office was starting to sink in, we got busy of thinking for other alternatives - like breaking the window grills by the stairs, and jumping off, if we managed to squeeze ourserlves in the small window . we will just have to worry about the bruises later.

crying for help

but where's the key?

the other alternative was to call for help - and i have only two persons in my mind. the first option was to call my one and only colleague based in our south africa branch (yes, it's a one-man office here). but good luck to us if he can do something about it as he is on his way home to botswana. but at least he might know whom to call to get us out of the place. the next option is the technical manager of our client. i had his number because i've been calling him the past weeks each time i have problems with our servers. embarrassing it might seem, but he's the only other person i could think of, and he just lives on the next town (at least not on the next country).

so we called him, and explained the unfortunate situation that just happened. i tried to be calm and hide my embarrassment, after profusely apologizing for the trouble. however, he also had no idea whom to call as he was just a third-party contractor working for our real client. the only option left was for him to escalate the matter to our client. that would mean, the whole office would know about this come monday... not only that, this matter would definitely reach our chief relations officer in our head office in europe. i was right, a few minutes later, i received a call. news do travel fast! i was told that our client was on the line explaining the little situation we have stirred in a cold, supposedly quiet friday night in the local post office. waaah! so, i explained we were trying to work a bit late that night. i guess that made a good impression cause i got good news. i was told that rescue would be coming in a few minutes. yey! :) yes, it was the technical manager who drived from the next town, back to the office, just to get us out, and drive us safely to our hotel. it's nice to be working with great people, isn't it? everyone was concerned at our own safety, and i am just mighty glad for that.

so, i'm sleeping comfortably here in my hotel room, and not in a post office.

my heart's content

jason sent me an sms two days ago about making plans for my birthday. suddenly, i found myself not knowing what to reply. i don't really feel comfortable about making plans on that day of the year. i can make plans for other people's birthday or any celebration for that matter without sweat, but i can't feel the same excitement when it's about planning for my birthday.

i need to be pushed by friends to celebrate my birthday. it's not that i am not thankful for birthdays. i indeed am, really, seriously thankful. but i am really not comfortable planning about how to celebrate it without that much pressing on. so i really thought these would be just one of those birthdays where i'd let the day pass. then, when i become comfortable thinking about how to spend it with friends, in a day or two, i'd come up of a way to celebrate it.

then, monday came, that's two days before my birthday, greetings already came flying. but not because they just wanted to greet me in advance, rather, they mistook me for another liz who's celebrating also their birthdays on successive dates as mine - the 3rd, and 4th. how coincidental is that? there must be something about march and my name. now, i can't help wonder about how my mother came up with the name. all the while, i was thinking she just picked it up randomly, when i was secretly wishing my name would be elizabeth. but that's another story.

so i've been receiving very very early greetings, and apologies for those who mistook me as the other liz on their friends list :D despite that, i realized my social circle has really grown. thanks to the great people i met in sfc :)

back to jason's message about making a plan, tuesday came, and i still don't have plans. i was close to asking him to have dinner with me if i could not think of something. however, i'm learning to wait these days. maybe, there'll be plans later. i don't need to rush. (sorry bro, naging back up plan kita! haha! but i know you won't mind for you are such a great friend :p).. besides, i have a movie date with my household that day, so i'll just focus on that first. maybe, something in the movie would influence me on how i should spend my birthday. :D

however, to my utmost surprise.. the movie date was just a front. these girls from my household actually planned on a pre-birthday dinner for me.. with a really, really cute gift, and balloons! oh, and a cake and a candle too :D it's only in singapore that i really have these surprises on my birthdays.. and i just got one of the best on my third birthday here. well, too bad i wasn't a crybaby, para complete ang drama! haha. but i guess with the big big smile i was wearing the whole night, i bet it wasn't difficult for them to be convinced how happy they made me. everything was just simply overwhelming..thanks guys! thanks for the wishes too.. :)

now, the big day has come.. and i don't need to make plans. the roseville gurls and friends, are organizing a dinner for me.. yey! my family back in the philippines may not be here physically, but they have never failed to show me their love. and with all these, my family, my friends, my crossroads, i feel the abundance of my blessings. for this, may God be praised!

work hard, party harder

i think this somehow is true. one reason that life's been busy aside from whining, is that i've been really spending too much work at work (duh!).. seriously! since i arrived here in january, i have been rendering too many overtime work, without pay of course, because the tasks just wouldn't stop pouring!

the only reason that i get to leave the office early, is because i have a scheduled night out with friends :D but i am not complaining :) i don't often go to clark quay right after my friends and i discovered movida at the powerstation. but this month, i found myself hitting the area every weekend.

last saturday was an ala united nations gimik. i was with my spanish friend, his french colleague, and the vietnamese roommie. then later, a brit and two africans joined us who were acquaintances of the guys that i was with. they partied like they knew each other for a long time and not only the week before that. :D we started with a bottle of wine before dinner, a caipirinha after it, and a few bottles of vodka with tons of dancing later. :)

wla lang.. lingaw lang ko sa ako ka-kiat these days. :D

a day of lasts

it's the last day of the NaBloPoMo challenge, and i think i faired enough. i missed three days but that's not too bad, don't ya think? (yey, i did it. :D )

aside from being the last day of the month-long blogging challenge, it's also the last day of the month and it's going to be December. finally, a month to go before another year starts. a month to look back, ponder, and do a personal recollection of how much we've grown spiritually, emotionally, socially, financially, intellectually... and all other aspects that we think we should at least improve.

on a lesser serious note, it's also the last work day of the week and another weekend to enjoy. i'm torn between doing social work or feeding my vanity tomorrow. hmm... what-to-do-what-to-do. it's a tough choice.. really. *roll eyes*.

another worry, i feel the party-pooper in me is coming out. not when the festive season is just about to start! i guess my excitement came in too early this year that it died down quickly too. but i'm probably just exhausted from all the party-planning and partying the past weeks that i have this strange urge to burry myself with work this weekend. what a weird way to balance work with social life. and yeah right, if that happens! duh!

so, december.. the last month of the year.. it seems that i have been anticipating so much for your coming. and now you're finally here. *deep breath* (note to self: kaya mo yan.)

He's got plans too

nat's comment on my previous entry really got me thinking.

"if you want to make God laugh, make a plan."

actually, that's the first time i heard of such saying, but indeed it has some truth in it. it's not the first time though that i have received a comment of that sort. i guess i invite such comments when i ranted about my plans for next year and how much i am putting at stake just to stick with it.

so maybe i am very comical in God's eyes right now. i got plans! but really, i do agree that all is in His hands. i just need reminders! :D i know in my heart, He always has my best interest.

all i got to do is behave.

ep renewed

it's still three months before my employment pass expires, but my boss decided to have it renewed as early as now. according to him, we do not have to wait for the last minute for the renewal application - well, with the holidays coming, and me taking a long leave, etc etc. (?) difficult it may seem to have those reasons connected with my application, i don't want to disagree. i would have wanted to tell him to wait as there might be no need for a renewal (naks! the thought is giving me goosebumps pa. lol.), but it would be giving him some hint about my "plans". and i don't want that to happen.. yet. too soon, baka ma preempt (hwag naman Lord).

but maybe it's for the good. maybe plan B would be the way to go. what's plan A once again? i don't want to say my future's too bleak, but you see, i've made a layout for a plan A, B, C, D and E of my life next year. i even have a song to sing come january, to meet the year with gusto! :D call that uber-prepared. (er, not financially though :X). but there's no harm in having too many options, right? nweyz, it's good enough to have lots of fall backs in case plans A, B, C or D doesn't work. there's always plan E.

when my boss gave me the print of my EP renewal (hmm..that was a quick one there boss!), it seems a chunk has been lifted off my shoulder. plan B wouldn't be much of a burden in case plan A fails. good luck to moi!

afternoon coffee scare

spilled my cup of coffee all over my desk today. it almost reached my laptop and my office phone. but good thing i was still able to get to them before my coffee did. whew!

you see, i've been interrupted several times at work because my project manager had a very great idea to have me as the only senior working on my current project. the rest have been moved to other projects. (and did i say i didn't want to blog about work??).. since that arrangement started, questions have been flying around since monday on things i don't even have an idea about. but i do get lucky sometimes for i am able to answer some of their queries, so they think i do know a lot, when i don't really. i just got lucky. but enough of that, as i said, i was continually interrupted the whole day that it's difficult to have my full concentration on my task.

so in between the interruptions, i'm sort of just scattily glancing at my notebook. my mind kept wandering on where i left off before i got interrupted. then i heard a beeping sound, like a phone ringing. but it's not my cellphone. the ring was so familiar, and it was getting louder and louder, but i could not get where it was from. so, i looked around to check if someone left his cellphone on my table. but i only saw my phone. that was when i noticed the blinking light on my desk phone. it was my desk phone! i then hurriedly picked up the receiver as i got jumpy from all the ringing, and i haven't even had my cup of coffee yet. however, before i even got hold of the handset, i knocked my cup that i just filled some coffee in it, and now it's running all over my desk.

waaah.. i can see coffee everywhere, and i can smell coffee everywhere!! a good soul in the form of an officemate rushed to help me over my accident, and that was why i was able to rescue my laptop or coffee will be totally banned from the office because of me. or worse, i'll be totally banned from having a cup of coffee because of my silly spilling accident. that would be totally unimaginable!

oh well, i might have survived my coffee scare this afternoon, but i'm still a bit shaken over the incident. i lost my appetite for my coffee. :(

when i wish on the stars

some people are just lucky to have the right things, and the right people fall into their lap without them having to work so hard for it. like all they have to do is give their sweetest smile to the stars and the whole universe would conspire to give their heart's desire.

i often find myself secretly wishing for that kind of life where everything would just perfectly fall into the right places at the right time as i planned them to be. that would surely save me from worrying too much for all those things that had gone awry.

but on another note, that would also fade out the luster caused by life's sweet surprises. there is thrill when things do not go as planned for it is an opportunity for us to work on our own creativity on how to survive each one of them.

so i guess i am getting back what i said. i would stop secretly wishing for things to fall right into place. but could i still keep wishing for the right person to fall into my lap? :)

getting christmas-y

christmas is indeed getting nearer and nearer. i just can't help but be extra excited this time for the coming yuletide season as i'll be able to finally spend it with the entire family. yey! finally, i could see streets filled with lanterns, i could hear christmas songs played everywhere i go and people from everywhere in town would be singing christmas carols at home! not to mention, there'd be noche buena.. and a tree filled with gifts, gifts.. and gifts. obviously, christmas season is definitely my favorite time of the year.:D


though i haven't played some christmas carols yet here at the apartment for the added "christmas-y" feel, i have already busied myself by bringing out the christmas decors from last year, set up our teeny-weeny christmas tree (about 15 inches) at the center table in the living area. i have also bought new decors for the tv stand, and i think i need to buy a few more to add more of the yuletide feel in it. i want it to be "pasko na pasko" here just like how we do it back home. it makes me smile to see that there's already a hint of the yuletide season in our almost bare flat as early as now :)

surely, i can't wait for christmas to come.

"pasko, pasko, pasko na naman muli" *playing at the back of my head* ....

"pasko na .. sinta ko..." .. ahihihi.. that's all i want for christmas! hahaha :D

since life can have its alphabets

since i've been tagged by dee, and i'm not sleepy yet.. let me get on with my life's ABC.

Instructions: Each player starts with 7 random habits/facts about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

Seven facts about me: a nocturnal, coffee addict, worrywart, wanderer, dreamer, stands 157cm (and never getting taller), weighs 50 kgs (and going down.. i hope), bubbly, forgetful ..(i'm supposed to write only seven)

A - Age: 28
B - Band Listening To Right Now: i'm listening to FM music..
C - Career: Software Engineer .. but in search for something else
D - Drink or Smoke: margarita, don't smoke
E - Easiest Friends To Talk To: nats, ri, janeth, mats, felvi, josh
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: gummy bears!
H - Have a Boyfriend : Soon! (wehehe optimistic!!)
I - In love: with love..definitely!
J- Junk Food You Like: Dorritos Nachos
K - Kids: i'd luv a bunchful of 'em
L - Longest Ride Ever: Seattle - Taipei flight..abt 17 hrs, didn't sleep the whole time
N - Names For Your Future Kids: it depends.. i'd like to name my kids after something/someone significant on their day of birth
O - One Wish You Have Now: to finally find what i'm looking for ..
P - Phobias: to be trapped, snakes
Q - Favorite Quote: Patience is virtue
R - Reasons To Smile: countless, pouring blessings
S - Sleeping Time: 2 am
T - Time You Woke Up: 9:00am
U - Unknown Fact About You: i'm really shy
V - Vegetable You Hate: cabbage
W - Worst Habit: procrastination, tardiness
X - X-rays You’ve Had: chest, back, sinus
Y - Yummy Foods: all yummy food :D
Z - Zodiac Sign: Pisces

i'd like to tag all my friends in my blogroll, who haven't been tagged yet... :)

a busy holiday

there's so much that i want to blog about, but it's almost midnight and i'm beating my deadline for my blog entry for today for the blogging challenge. so, just let me rant about my day.

you see, it's my first busy holiday in my almost two years here in singapore where i didn't have any out of town trips. i usually just spend a very lazy day at home doing nothing. but not anymore.

my friend jan and i hit the movida club at st. james (once again) last night after our therapy yoga class. it was an out of the blue thing, and we were hungry for not having any dinner yet. so we decided to enjoy some groovy latin beat over dinner. however, we were enjoying the music too much that we ended up going home at four a.m. in the morning... oops!

i already woke up at around noon and had a quick brunch with my housemates. afterwhich, i headed back to the gymn for another yoga session. i'm really luvin yoga now. i'm looking forward to every session that i can fit in my schedule. the class today was a bit, err.. tough. there were just three of us, and one girl was really really good at the postures already. our teacher was giving us quite tough positions and she can really get them while i struggled so hard between wobbly knees and elbows. but it's okay, considering it's still my fourth or fifth class :) i even had my first try on headstand positions.. but of course, my teacher was standing beside me so that i won't break my neck! i still even find shoulderstand positions quite tough, but really relaxing.

after yoga class, i met up with my cousin and showed her how to get to china town by train. she is still quite new in singapore so she's not quite confident on how to get around by herself. we didn't get around chinatown much though cuz a friend invited us for dinner and his place is in the land far, far away.. in YewTee. waaah! you see, i live in the east side of singapore and i am so so lazy to even visit my dear friend jan who lives in the west side. any town in singapore's west side is a land far far away for me. :D it's like almost an hour train ride from our place. however, the travel was all worth it as we had a very very delicious dinner.. buti nalang! wehehehe. burp. (excuse me).

my cousin and i got home already at almost ten, and my body's all sore. however, my mind's still quite awake.. so i'd probably be staying up late again.. (oh, i forgot, i just had a cup of coffee) .. it's work day tomorrow, i just hope i won't be late for work :D


okay, happy deepavali everyone! (that's the holiday we're supposed to be celebrating right now)