career dilemma

i took the day off at work today because i've had this fever thing going inside me. yeah, seriously, there's a fever that was just too shy to go out. but i've taken the required paracetamols inorder not to take things worse, and enough sleep. that's probably just all that i needed after having such a tough week last week, from the travel and all the pressures at work.

enough on justifying my leave, i took this day as a chance, to wander about where i am going with my life, career wise. you see, my contract is ending by the 27th of this year. i surely am not renewing my contract with my current agent. my only option to stay with the company that i'm working with is for me to be absorbed as a permanent employee (which my technical lead says that my boss had such plans already). however, do i still want to continue despite all this stress? will my boss remember that he made such a statement? what if december comes and i won't have a job? what will happen to my 2007? would i take this chance to leave singapore? if that's the case, would i be able to celebrate my new year in hongkong then? (oops, that question is not inline with my career dilemma!).

my future lays too many options for me now that i am so impatient to find out which one i should actually pick. more so, i have to choose wisely this time as i am not getting any younger. i have responsibilities to weigh and there's no chance to dawdle when making my decisions. however, i can't also just keep up with a career that i'm obviously not born with, and stay because of the money it's giving me (it's not much, but it sustains me definitely). i'll simply end up burnt out, old, and miserable (and not even rich) if i continue to do this.

everybody's dream is to land on their dream jobs. this might be a chance for me to pursue my dream job. however, if i do that, i have another obstacle to face : what is my dream job? i want to do so many things, but i can't pick one that i want to do best. it would be simpler if i just wake up one morning and say to myself, this is what i am born to do. wouldn't that be just nice?

there's one solution to this problem, but i'm not so sure if i have the luxury to do it though. i could go from one job to another, without thinking of the pay. i think this is the best way to solve my problem. but could i ever do that? career-driven that i thought i am, would i have enough guts to plunge into something like that? face the unkown, conquer my fears. that would be too easy to say.

another thing, would giving up the six years of experience in this career would really be worth it? or is this just the jaded, burnt out career woman in me, babbling about this nonsense? the wiser thing to do is move forward for this career and look for the opportunity where my creative side would just simply come out and make this career path more enjoyable and fun. when have these IT stuffs been fun? when? (tell me, quando!?)

i'm probably just looking for a loophole at this dump that i am in. i admit, i am really just tired about this career. i don't see myself growing anymore. i can't appreciate what i am doing, or what i am contributing. how else would i ace my job interviews then if i continue to feel this way? would i just allow myself to crumble at my present job?

to paint you a picture of this dilemma, i could even picture myself becoming a domestic helper in europe (well, i am quite picky about the place). you see, i know how to clean bathrooms and get satisfaction from it, as compared to having solved a memory leak problem. so, house cleaning, anyone?

walking away

i just walked to the other building that was two blocks away from our office since i had some papers to submit. as i was heading back, i saw myself walking down this narrow corridor and all of a sudden, i silently wished that i would just not stop walking. i wished the corridor would go a long, long way, even miles. i wished i could just walk, and walk, and walk nonstop. i wished i could just go through the gates of our building, walk across the street, walk through the trees across our office, and whatever is on the other side of the road. i won't mind if my feet would hurt from the 3-inch heels i'm wearing right now. i'd just regret i didn't wear my sneakers, but i would bear all the pain, as long i just won't stop walking.

walking away is some sort of healing. it's a therapy. walking without thinking about your destination, is the simplest form of escape. it's escaping from all the responsibilities that bind you, that exhausts you, that wears your energy down. i didn't want to stop walking cause i'm tired of being bounded by my own imaginary set of rules. these rules are defined since it's the logical thing to do. these rules exist, cause there's no space for immaturity.

but i just want to leave all those rules and break whatever that confines me, simply let the wanderer in me take over. why can't i just pack my bag and buy that one way ticket to nowhere?

in need of a lift

i feel so tired today. stressed-out, unmotivated, hopeless, down, depressed, sick, etc. these monsters have been periodically visiting me whenever i'm at work, or on the bus or train, or whenever i'm just alone. the music in my mp3 player couldn't seem to lift up my mood anymore. i'm starting to hear them as noise recently. lately, my days have been just a series of lows, and lows, and yes, the occasional highs, i admit. but most of the time, i'm as hazy as singapore is these days. right now, i'm simply tired of being tired.

*lets out a big sigh, and slumps her shoulders like she just placed the whole world on them*

i know my problems would be nothing compared to the effects of a nuclear test. however, for anyone who sees the world around her almost strangely, and who is more lost than ever, her problems gets magnified a thousand times. she thinks that its effects on her surmounts that of sumatra's forest fires.

who am i to complain? it's just that.. it saddens me so that i just feel so empty despite the chaotic world out there. i should learn how to look at my day in a different light. i should bring myself to appreciate more the miracles that happen around me - like other people falling in love, couples getting married, mothers expecting babies, famous people adopting orphans in africa, orphanages being built (and yeah, i really care about that in the most sincere way i can, that i, too, am thinking of adopting even if i'm not close to fame as madonna or brangelina).

*let's out a heavier sigh*

now that i've come to think about these stuffs, i should just stop being so egocentric and think that only my world matters. states people should worry with me on whether i should get a new job or not when my contract ends. what hollywood diet should work best for me? would i ever live to experience the greatest love ever? would i even get married? where should i be retiring, in cebu, the queen city of the southern philippines, or the more laid back country in southern france (with dreamy eyes while thinking about it)? or on more feasible, realistic worries, should i put up a website for people to vote if i need to renovate this blogspace? (hmm. since we're on the topic, honestly, i'm not anymore into the look-and-feel of this space. i think it gets more and more depressing everytime i see it in my browser. too many sad memories perhaps. don't you agree?)

putting my renovation plans aside, i know i'm less than a speck in this whole picture that God has created. i have to wake up cause there's really no excuse for becoming such a drama queen.

but for the meantime, in case anyone's feeling high, lift me up, will ya?

money-wise

i think i am finally growing up - financially, that is. i can now resist impulsive buying and actually do some mental arguments about which and which not to buy. i've come to realize that not all expensive, better packaging shower gels are always better. and, there's always an alternative shampoo that also works, over the last one that i bought which cost me 1,500 pesos for a bottle.

so this is how it is to be wise in spending money. i tell you, it's not an easy thing cutting down your expenses when you're used to not really minding about all this. it's also as difficult to choose which brand could give you your money's worth. i'm afraid grocery shopping would be less fun if it's going to be like this. no wonder i was always in debt before. (darn credit cards for spoiling me!)

my point is, i think i'm making a good leap here. yey! cheers to me! next step, investing. charing! hehe. ayy..save pa diay muna. what will i invest if i don't have any savings? duh!!

small baby steps at a time. treat ko nga self ko with one cutie blouse that i tried on earlier! nyehe :p

the weight on me

today, i am officially on my fattest.

and i am going to be beating that record soon if i don't do something about it.

no surprise that i feel heavier each day.


=(

not that i'm busy

i know this blog is starting to get rusty. it's not that i am so busy at work (well, i really am but it's bearable). it's not that my life here is as smooth sailing and that my general feeling right now could be summarized to that of a feather, floating lightly, heading to wherever the wind would like to take her. it's not that i'm getting too lazy to compose my thoughts and that there's no point cause there's really not much to write about. no, it's not that. but if i ask myself what it is.. i don't know. j'honnêtement ne sais pas. anywayz, i was having some snacks alone at breadtalk earlier. the branch across cityhall mrt station have this one round table at the corner just by the door, just slightly hidden by any passers-by and with a good view of the busy street corner. well, this isn't my first time to eat here this way, munching on my food at this single round table with no chair. so why do some bakeshops like this don't have a decent table or chair for their customers if they allow them to eat their snacks here, as they also offer a variety of drinks to pair with their pastries. and if they were to provide a table, why just one? delifrance, about two shops away, even could afford several tables for customers to dine in properly, and they sell basically about thesame stuff. but then, why would i choose this place over delifrance? i guess they placed that table there for people only wants a quick bite before heading off to whatever it is that's more deserving of their oh-too-precious time. it's not for people who think that those pastries, and their coffee should be enjoyed as how they're ant to be enjoyed. or, it's for people who are just embarrassed to be seen eating alone, that they can't just lounge on their danishes openly. if they want to enjoy their snack, they'd prefer to do it in a less open place, free from people's could-be meaningful glances. and i feel that table's perfect for me at this time. where i can just eat my snack, and not be able to think about anything. so, i guess that's it. lisod man i-konek, but somehow, somewhere in my thoughts above, i got a point. i do.