lately

Lately .....
i haven't had the time to blog
(probably busy)

Lately ...
i have been planning to move to another place
(again, for the nth time)

Lately ...
i have been eating a lot
(can't stop the food binge)

Lately ...
i have had a big smile on my face
(and more than enough reasons to keep it there)

Lately ...

alegreha sa alegria

i just had a fun-filled weekend with some officemates. we went on an out of town trip in alegria, a town south of cebu. Below are pictures that tells more of the place's beauty and the fun that i had, than i could describe in words.

**********

the breathtaking sunset

the huge swimming pool.

we had it all to ourselves during the stay.

the beach line at high tide.
not to mention the fish sanctuary and corals underneath.

the encounter of the sea snake

but, it was the people that i was with

that made the whole experience worth remembering

tuesdays

tuesday is the day of the week where i finally get my pace back on work. (for mondays are spent reading the emails you missed over the weekend and recalling what you have left off on the previous week).

tuesdays are when i realize i am busy, and i don't want to be busy yet, but i just can not be not busy.

tuesdays are when most of the meetings with management come up.

tuesdays are when i used to have my french classes, but not anymore.

tuesdays are when you are least likely to have a night out with friends over a glass of cocktails.

and this tuesday is when i have to play smart and intelligent for a few hours since i will be attending a dinner meeting with my company's senior vice president. (i just hope they have enough cocktails to serve).

tuesday, for me, is the best named day of the week, but not the best day at all.

:(

forgetful me

There was this song that i kept singing yesterday. But it has nothing to do with the Last-song Syndrome. I cannot remember where and when i have heard the song that day or the other day, but all of a sudden i was just singing it and i had a hard time to stop thinking about it.

When i keep on singing a certain song again and again, that's only when the lyrics would hit me. and i swear the coincidence of yesterday's song lyrics was that it was the song for me at this period in my life. so i told myself to look up the song's lyrics on the internet once i get the chance to. unfortunately, i never did. cause now, i can't remember the song. no matter how hard i think, i just can not remember it. nada. not a trace!

have you ever had that experience?

actually, this is nothing new to me. similar situations have happened a thousand times. when i was a student, i forget exams, appointments, engagements, and what else? i even forgot once to wear my bra and i was in school already when i realized it! it was soooo embarrassing! i got overly-conscious the whole day. Good thing that never happened again! whew!

house keys? well, i just had tons of incidents in the past on having myself locked-out for leaving the house keys inside my room. so now, it has become a habit for me to check for my keys before leaving my room. it would be the same question as 'did i wear my bra right now or not?'. although i do always ask myself this kind of questions, there are still times i mess it up. (i am talking about the keys here now).

well, there are also times that i would go at one place, and once i get there, i'd totally forget what i was supposed to do there. on those instances, i retrack to where i was and try to be more conscious in going to where i was supposed to be and with pure luck, i'd remember what i was supposed to do there.

then there was this incident last monday when an officemate of mine told me that he forgot to bring a hundred bucks.

"what for?", i asked.

"to pay you."

"what for?", i asked again.

"you can't remember? last friday?"

was i supposed to remember something? did he owe me money?

"did you owe me money? when?", i tried to recall it, but i just can't.

"oh, it was when we had those drinks, right?", i smiled for finally recalling it.

"oh my, you can't really remember, do you?", the jerk is laughing now.

oh please, brain! help me out here! that was all i could say to myself. there i was, struggling to remember when did i ever gave him a hundred bucks that day. i was like seated in front of my monitor for about like five minutes just trying to recall that incident, three days ago. but i just can't remember. so, i asked somebody else from the office who might remember that incident. and lo and behold, the person that i asked actually remembered me giving that guy a hundred bucks. and i could still not recall it.

okay, call that short-term memory or a mild case of alzheimers?

well, after another ten minutes of carefully accounting the events on that day, i remembered that i indeed lent that guy a hundred bucks. so whenever i bumped into him at the office after that, i would remind him now of the hundred bucks he owed me :)

oh well!

but sometimes, being forgetful has also its advantage. you can select what you want to remember, and easily disregard from your memory the things you don't want to be retained. okay, not really easily, but you can. when i watched the movie 'eternal sunshine of a spotless mind', i wished the device they used to erase a certain part of your mind were true. when you've been hurt a lot in your past, you just can't help to wish that you could erase it. but now, i think i have learned to do something similar, thanks to my easily forgetful mind.

sometimes, i can't remember how it was to be in love. i can't remember how it was to be betrayed. i can't remember how it was to be hurt as i was hurting. i can't remember how it was to loose some of your dignity. i know it's not normal. but i think i've just learned to balance out the things i'd like to remember. and what had happened within the past three or four years, all good and bad, i could barely recall.

and there's a good term for that. selective amnesia.

loosed ends

i am having a terrible headache.

it's because some things didn't work the way i wanted them to. and i had been so troubled about it the whole day that i totally lost my cool. i was already imagining throwing my monitor outside the window and banging my chair on the wall (yeah, i do have those tendencies).

instead, i let out my frustrations to my friends. it was a good thing. but, they are also mean. they just laughed at me and told me i am getting menopausal. it was just the worst thing i've ever heard. but on the other hand, i guess i needed that.

and no, i am not menopausal. i am just getting too stiff.

i need to loosen up a bit.

sleep-deprived

i just got back from my parent's place, and it seemed i could never get enough sleep. zzzzzzz....

oh!

i always never get enough sleep when i get home. i try to squeeze time surfing the internet at night, and sleeping at daytime is always a failure. the more people around, the less sleep i will ever get. of course unless everyone's asleep too. but then, that's the time i am most awake. that's how sleep-deprived i am.

i wonder how it would be to not sleep at all..for six straight days. it has led mariah carrey to the mental ward (that was what the rumor said). hmm, what are the chances i'd end up the way she did if those rumors were true?

a dreary night

i wondered about the moon that night
why its arms escaped to embrace me
i so much wanted to be taken away
deep into that endless dark sky

je veux seulemant oublier
le soir j'etais avec toi

but how can one forget
when the stars eluded me
and the moon lost its beam
twas all a passionless night

qu'a-t-il l'amour est devenu
déjà j'ai perdu son sens

not your gentlest touch
nor your fiery kiss
not even your cold embrace
can make it all come back

just madness

i go about
these lonely streets
searching
longing
for that familiar
embrace

i go about
these lonely streets
longing
loosing
the sanity that is
left of me

i go about
these lonely streets
loosing
crying
for the madness
that i am

word for the day - "twisted"

work is stressful today. and there are twisted officemates you have to deal with. worse, twisted friends also try to enter in the picture.

i don't want to complain about life. i am grateful about a lot of things actually, and twisted situations may be, i know they serve some purpose. hopefully, they'd straighten a once twisted mind.

tomorrow, i'll be off to visit my parent's place. a reunion is scheduled this sunday, and that means a day at the beach. hmm.. a perfect spot to unwind, enjoy a good sunset, and practice what i've learned about photography.

you see, i am at the point of selling my digital camera. a friend advised me not to. but i don't see its purpose other than the occasional family events, or camp outs with friends. but that's been rare these days. but the point really is, i don't take good pictures. most are just tasteless shots. a weak attempt at photography.

but then, i've decided to do something about it. i am trying to see an open window. so, i tried to review about photography basics and hoping to remeber all of them. and i can't wait to put my hands on it.

so this is a typical day. no work done at all. and i am supposed to be an advocate of proper work ethics.

jeez.

i don't wanna be lonely

my major emotions for the week: loniless and depression. not that i am really keeping track. but when everything around you is just as gloomy as this week's weather, it's really not that easy to neglect.

but then, i know it is not just this week. i think i have been lonely and depressed most of my life. but don't get me wrong here. i have a great family and wonderful friends. it's not the outside forces that is making me lonely. i think it seems rooted inside me.

i remembered a year in highschool when a teacher asked us to write an essay. it was the first one we had to make for that school year, and my essay was titled "When Depression Strikes". i can't forget that essay title. but then, i can't remember why i chose that topic either. i even had no idea then what the whole world was out there, living a quite sheltered life that i had, but i've already felt that! i remembered too picking out my favorite "break-up" songs, and singing them to my heart's content long before i got into my first relationship. and when i had my actual break-ups, i drowned myself in them. i remembered having a friend complain of reading my very lonely letters. i must have dragged him into my depression. (oh, poor guy!)

i think that i feel lonely more often because i choose to linger on this feeling. i kept asking myself "why am i like this?". but then you realize, you are not the only one who's lonely, empty, void, and depressed in this world. confessions on loneliness starts to fly into your lap out from nowhere. loneliness doesn't exist only in the songs i listen to, in the movies i watch, nor in the books i read. it's as real as the people i know.

i know eternal happy people would be shaking their heads while reading this, either of disbelief or pity. but they might agree if i say that loneliness could be just a choice. but in reality, it isn't much of a choice. really.

let's say people are lonely because they choose to be lonely. okay. but if there are so many lonely people in this world, does that mean that many people would rather be lonely, than be happy? it just doesn't sound right, right? why do we want to be lonely and feel all these sh*t inside us? who on their sane mind would want that? well, i am not an exception to this question. (so maybe i am not sane, but that's not the topic here).

is it just easier to be lonely, than to be happy? (warning to eternally happy people: keep your head-shakes to yourself). is it because loneliness seems more real an emotion than happiness is? is loneliness really more tangible? is it easier to be unlovable, than to feel loved at all?

or, is it because happiness is such a complicated emotion? so difficult to achieve, and yet, the easiest to fake. i say there are two kinds of happiness: one that's true, and one that's artificial. true and deep happiness is always a rare find. so much sacrifice. so much selflessness. but in the end, it's all so worth it. however, there is a large supply of artificial happiness in this world. it can be bought anywhere, anytime. it's so easy to have it at any cost you wish. but the more you acquire of this temporary happiness, the more hollow you become. and there's nowhere you are going, but to lonely-pitdom.

if it takes a camel to fit in a needle's eye to be truly happy, no wonder there are many people who lingers into the big pool of loneliness. i think i maybe even leisurely floating on that too, despite the occasional ropes that falls into my hands, wishing i'd one time have enough courage to pull it and have it get me out of where i am right now.

but many people also act the way i do, floating on this same pool. and why is that? well, maybe because this place has transformed into a big comfort zone for them. maybe because they even made friends in that same pool and are starting to enjoy each other's company (and are probably even dancing to the song "i don't wanna be lonely"). or maybe they are just too afraid to even try to think of getting out of it. or maybe because they once did try to grab that occasional rope, but when they were almost sure to get on the other side, they were only pushed back into the dark pit, by someone whom they thought was eternally happy, but was just actually faking it. and all their efforts became futile.

as for me, i too had my happy moments. i too had felt that peace. i too had felt loved. it doesn't mean that since i am at this mood, i will always be here for the rest of my life. i am just biding my time, with no intentions to drag anyone with me, of course. i am not sunk deep into that pool. as i said, i am just leisurely floating on it.