cluttered thoughts

i am here stuck in my new office hating myself for feeling guilty of not doing anything productive at all. i couldn't stop thinking of how another unproductive day has passed scanning documents that never really sinked in to my "brain" as i changed the text colors of my visual studio editor to fight my boredom.

in the whole week of utter helplessness and being lost in "translation" amidst the growing chinese population in this small office, i could not help look back at the life from my previous work place where i was more confident with what i am doing. i just hate feeling helpless. though i know i only feel this way because i am just being too hard on myself. this is a normal thing to happen on the first week of work where most of the days are spent adjusting to your new work environment and familiarizing your project and tasks. this has been my third company in my so called career life, i should know by now that this thing happens. well, i am just being impatient.

so here i am in my spacious cube, watching patiently for the minutes and hours to pass, in between glances from technical documents and source codes in my now very colorful editor. all throughout the week, i tried to fight the urge to blog. but obviously, i failed.

since i decided to move here in singapore, it seems there's just so much that i wanted to blog about. from little known surprising facts on why adults are missing in japan (read it from a singaporean tabloid), to the startling question thrown at me two days ago - "do i believe in true love?". i couldn't even think of a good subject line for a blog that would fit the hodge-podge of thoughts waiting to be documented in this little space.

so here's a few of the cluttered thoughts coming back and forth in this idle mind as i try to pick myself and start getting used to life out here.

***

i terribly missed my friends in cebu. i missed hanging out with them, spending dinner together, hanging out at ASLE, planning on the next out of town escapades, and dreaming together about life outside cebu. it's too bad already that i would miss the upcoming christmas reunion that we had planned three months ago.

***

one of my best friends, or my bestest best friend is about to be a Dad! the news came out as a surprise, but i'm definitely happy for him. i am confident that he'd be a great father :) however, it makes me sad thinking how time flies, where your friends are having babies now and you are still single where settling down is in the farthest edge of your thoughts. i just hope that the next news won't be them having grand children, while i'm out there dating divorced men. that's just scary.

***

i was reading a newsletter at the changi airport when i came across a short article about the alarming increase of missing persons in japan. however, i was more alarmed to know that the reason is not abduction, but rather it's family, work and relationship problems that are causing people to be missing. if i were in japan, i'd be long gone missing already. and i know some other people too :)

***

i guess i got fewer cluttered thoughts than i expected. or too much idleness just leads my mind to be blank. but at least i get to blog now and there's fewer people in the office, so it's okay to post this one already.

sablay

"‘Sang tama, sampung mali ganyan ako pumili
‘Di na mababawi ng puso kong sawi
Daig pa’ng telenobela kung ako ay magdrama
Ganyan ba talaga guhit ng aking tadhana"

when the song "Hari ng Sablay" by a local band (Sugarfree) was starting to get popular, my friends (ka-berks) have started calling me "Reyna ng sablay". (i didn't even know the meaning of the word then, and i couldn't get the closest english translation for it)

of course i disagreed with them. i can't make that many wrong decisions in my life to earn such title. can i? and i knew it was just a joke so i never really thought about how much truth there when they had my name attached to it.

however, just recently, i saw myself facing the consequences of some wrong decisions that i have made. t was okay if those decisions i came up with were of impulsive nature. but no. i had been thinking and rethinking about them, but in the end, i still end up making the wrong choices.

as i was wallowing with my frustrations with the wrong choice of coffee and food for my lunch (which I realized once they were served), i had concluded to myself that the feelings i am experiencing right now were not new at all. and it hits me, i've had made lots of wrong decisions in my life leading to my tons of misfortunes and there was no one else to blame but me.

if there were lessons to learn with all my misfortunes, i'd be making a saga out of it already. worse, most of them are not closely related to each other. therefore, i could not just easily apply my previous life lessons. they are always new and unrelated and sometimes i think when will i ever learn to make the right decisions? impulsive or well-thought decisions? it seems my calculations with life is most of the time wrong.

in fairness, sometimes each "sablay" i make accidentally leads to something good. but it is just frustrating to know that fact. and sad too. very sad.

i wonder if i will ever get out of this. or this is just another part of me that i am actually hating right now.

well, my only prayer now is for me to understand one wrong decision from the other and be grateful for whatever good that might come out of it and continue to learn from its consequences.

love song for me

love, can I be love
love, could I ever really be loved
love, if you ever find me
I wonder will you try me
I'm so different than before
love, the kind that I dream of
it starts right here inside of me love
love, if you ever find me
I wonder will you try me
I'm so different than before
love I am so different than before
love I am so different...
love, where are you waiting
in dark and smoky rooms
I hear you singing to me
love, let my voice take you
and the songs we'd make
would be so different than before
oh yes my love, if you ever find me
then I ask you try me
I'm so different than before
love I am so different than before
love I am so different...

================
LOVE - by Rosey. This is a song from the Bridget Jone's Diary OST.
when the possibility of love tried to knock on my door, i was struggling if i should open it and embrace love with all the longing in my heart or i could just keep it shut and move on with my life like i never heard the knockings at all.
i am such a coward. so i chose to be deaf about it all.
indeed i'm afraid for the endless possibilities of falling in love and yet i continue to hopelessly search for it. what a futile feat that is!
what's happened with me? what have i become?
i guess it is because i am in the stage in my life where i am still trying to sort things that i think are more important. but isn't it also important to open the chances of finding the one that you could spend the rest of your life with?

lonely tourist

so my trip in seattle wasn't all too successful. i didn't pass the job interview for obvious reasons. well, i dont want to detail much on those. for aside from that, i managed well in the trip. i guess... i realized i was more prepared for the drive than for the interview itself. but then that could just be an excuse. hehehe.

well, what mattered more was that i made it through the interstate road and drove myself safely back to the airport. i still managed to pass through one of my life's challenges - driving, that is. :)

the day before i would leave for the philippines, i managed to visit a seattle landmark - the space needle. there wasn't much too see on top of it though since seattle isn't a big city compared to new york or even osaka in japan.

however, it's always nice to see the top view of the city around you. it gives you a different perspective of your surroundings. and at least i got to do one "tourist-y" thing during my short stay.

one thing i realized, travelling to a place for the first time is always fun and exciting. but travelling alone just makes things different and difficult. i used to think that travelling by yourself would make the trip more interesting. probably if you get to meet interesting people along the way, then that would be interesting. but if that doesn't happen, it is going to be one lonely trip.

here are some things that i realized when making that trip alone.

* there would be no one to guide you on the unfamiliar roads ahead. the tendency there is to be lost along the way, miss a lot of turns, and have a difficulty making your u-turns to get back on the road.

* when mishaps arise, or when you think you couldn't really handle all the pressure that comes your way, there would be no one you could just share your angsts with. i couldn't just come up to any stranger and start my conversation with "you know what, i really feel like crying...can you hug me? "

* when you feel like jumping with joy since you finally found a restaurant after hours of driving around looking for one, there's no one to share that happiness with, except for the guy on the counter after you've told your order.. you tell him your story. but you never could get the same reaction when you tell it to someone who actually feels what you've been through just looking for that restaurant. the most decent thing the guy on the counter could say is "Okay.. enjoy your lunch! would you like to add some drink for your meal?".

* it's always awkward to take pictures of you and the place you are visiting. well, i've seen other tourists stretching their arms as far as they could as they take pictures of themselves. i didn't want to look the way i've seen them. it would be better to just actually smile comfortably as your friend take a picture of you. well, i was just too shy to ask a stranger to take a picture of me. :) so how did i ever manage to take that one shot of me with the space needle? well.. thank God for camera timers as i sneaked to take that shot in the almost empty parking lot :)

* you wouldn't be as brave to venture more unfamiliar grounds, afraid of still getting lost along the way.

these are just a few of the cons i've learned when travelling alone. so if i get a chance again to travel to a new place, i'd do my bes to drag a friend with me or else i'd have to make a point to meet really interesting strangers (~_~).