crazed worry-wart

after i decided to get things right, i was worrying like crazy about the damage brought about by my actions. my system is having grave difficulty in ignoring the fact that i have hurt someone right now. how could i simply hurt someone just like that? what has become of me?

my friends have assured me that all was done for the good of the parties involved. but that did not stop me from being worry-crazy. i could not be at ease the whole night. i felt like i was loosing my sense of purpose. before i actually do loose them i need a distraction (and that does not include calling up people that i should not be talking to, to make all this work out, else all my actions will be futile).

so i paced back and forth in the bedroom and complained to my roommate that i was close to being insane, she only complained back that my pacing is making her insane. so i stopped and continued the pacing in our living area.

i know i should stop worrying cuz there's really nothing to worry about. i did the right thing about facing my truths. i called up my friends to assure me all over again (i bet they were loosing their patience on me now).

then i had a very bright idea for a distraction for my worries! i have to move my worries to something that i will be surely excited about. so, i called up one friend and gave her an offer i was sure she would not refuse - a 4 days/ 3 nights holiday to Phuket (air tickets and accomodation only, ofcourse). i'm sooo generous when i'm fretful. unfortunately, my dear friend knows that i'm being unreasonable and she knows too well what i was up to. she knows the catch (hehehe she very well knows i can be a schemer), so she declined my offer. (sayang! that's a rare offer i gave her. nobody just passes up a free holiday like that!)

my friend was not being cooperative about distracting my worries to something else. instead, she only assured me for the nth time already, that everything is going to be alright, i did the right thing, and there's no need to fret. it was only the stubborn me that was not easily convinced.

now, it's past 2 am. i'm exhausted, and i give up. i must believe my friends that it's really going to be alright. so i rest my case, and instead of wallowing more of my worries i resort to the one thing that never fails to loose all my troubles - i danced.

of course i didn't go out of the house and hit MOS (Ministry of Sound) or Insomnia.(i haven't been to any club for ages already!) instead, i took my old salsa/cuban music compilation, drowned myself to the latin beat, swayed my hips, and imagined myself like i was dancing my heart out in the club like i used to... and blogged while i'm at it.

getting things right

i know i was not being myself lately. my actions of recent have been inexcusable, unjustifiable, and definitely unimaginable. i was only trying to escape from my own truths, that i didn't know i was loosing my senses slowly and slowly.

i have to get my ground back, as i had been saying. but i wasn't so successful in staying afloat in my dreamland. i could not simply deny that something has been dragging me down to my pits and it has caused me unnecessary worries, to the point that i was on the brink of experiencing a mild heart attack. seriously, i was reading about its symptoms and i was experiencing all of it! i'm not exaggerating, but i know it sounds that i am. so maybe i am, just so that you won't worry much, cuz i'm fine now.

okay, so where was i? i survived my mild heart attack. i did the leap. i crossed the bridge. i conquered my fears. i climbed the Everest. hehehe. seriously, i faced the truths that i've been escaping from for weeks already. i finally mustered the courage to open up to what i truly feel even if it could hurt the person i cared so much about. there are things that you just have to do for the hope of being a better person (as what paolo coelho would most likely say in a more poetic manner ofcourse).

having a people-pleaser personality, hurting others would be one of the most difficult things to do. believe me, it is. it's usually the last resort one will choose when faced with several options no matter how drastic they are. people-pleasers think they could carry all the pain. i thought i could carry all the pain. but that would never solve my problem. i had to get some load off from being responsible of how other people would feel from my actions if i want to get out of the predicament that i was in.

it hurt like hell to see someone so dear to you get hurt. but it breaks your heart more when you are the one responsible of the hurting. accepting that you have lied and betrayed someone is never easy. but that is the only way to let the truth out.

to be optimistically happy

i was about to flaunt my misery when a good friend saw my skype status - "bring me back my senses". He asked how seriously were my senses lost. LOL. he got me right on the mark about his question though, cause i was indeed loosing my senses the past few days. so i tried to give him a hint about this cloud looming over my head recently - and i don't just mean about singapore's weather. but of course, he wasn't interested in my details, and i wasn't about to pour my heart out on him. poor guy, had i allowed that to happen. hehe.

well, back to my good ol' friend's advise, he forwarded me a link to an interesting read he came across with that day. it's about being either realistically depressed, or optimistically happy.

".. studies show that depressed people have a more realistic view of themselves and their situation, compared to "normal" people who seem to live in a very slight fantasy apparently psychiatrists who treat depressed people are in the strange position of asking those people to be a little unrealistic world " .. read more of the article here.

see, i'm not really depressed. i am just more in touch of my reality, which is depressing.(hmm... but that sounds confusing.)

anyways, i just find the article really enlightening. it shows how a little optimism can go a long way. sometimes we're just too preoccuppied with our own worries that we forget it doesn't hurt to mix your fantasies in real life and live a bit in fairy tale.

so i'm zapping my reality away, go to dreamland for now and i shall live happily ever after.

things gone wrong

sometimes our own madness gets ahead of us and we do things we're not supposed to do in a saner state. however, there are things we'd rather face simply to avoid our own truths. what is it about these truths that we have to be so afraid of anyways?

maybe i'm just loosing some sanity here as i try to hold on to my own ground. i've allowed myself to be dragged to a make believe world, as i search for impermanent answers. of course, i just drowned myself in misery and allowed it to eat me the whole day.

how i wish i could turn back time and not make those wrong turns. but i have long accepted that this world has no place for tears, no place for regrets. the only thing left to do is put on that brave mask as i face the consequences that lay ahead.

*sigh*. if only i can just carry on all the hurts, things would be fine. i want to resign tonite with the thought that the sun awaits for me in the morning.

the party guest

i was debating inside if i should show up at the party. i know i should not go if he was the only reason to be there. i barely know anybody else. none of my friends are going. yes, there would be a few familiar faces, but that's all they would be. i'd surely end up standing in a dark corner and enjoy my champaigne - alone. great. well, unless he joins me.

is he even expecting me to be there in the first place? there's only one way to find out.

"hi. what time is the party starting?" i sent him that sms even if we talked about it already yesterday.

beep. "it's just about to start. some of the guests have arrived. where are you?", came the reply a few seconds later.

he's expecting me. i guess i'm going then. i straightened up my dress, checked on my makeup and took the first taxi that passed by.

it took a while for me to reach the place, i almost told the taxi driver to turn back. what am i being so fretful for? it's just him. he's just some other guy. no big deal.

the taxi then pulled over. this is it. i got off the cab, closed my eyes, took one deep breath and told myself that this is going to be okay. i then clutched on my blue satin purse as i dry up my sweaty palms and headed for the door.

ding dong. someone was attentive and fast enough to open the door for me leaving me no room to change my mind at the last minute. there was no backing out now. i smiled my sweetest to the person who opened up and looked around. cocktails were already served. it would be a while before the buffet starts. shoot, now i have to mingle with the other guests. this is what i don't like about big parties. i have to force a smile and look for a familiar face. i am not a natural at this, it almost always feels like a job to socialize.

this is one reason why i'd rather have small, and intimate parties with close friends. but what close friends? ever since i moved here, i have only four of them and all are living under the same roof with me. there goes my only social circle.

okay, where could he be? i looked around and found him talking with some friends. even if i only saw his back, he's pretty easy to recognize with his tall, lean built. there's also something in him that never fails to attract me even if he'd be standing in the farthest corner of the room. i haven't quite figure it out though.

he looked very comfortable standing there, one hand holding a glass of champaigne, the other in an animated gesture. his friends were laughing with whatever he was telling them. i guess it's okay to approach and say hi now.

i made my way through the crowd as i approached him. when his conversation with his friends started to tone down, i tapped him gently at the back. he turned around and seemed surprised (or delighted?) to see me. his friends then started to leave us like they read my silent cue.

"hi, it's nice that you came.", he said in that sweet tone while he extended his hand. i gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. he seemed delighted after all.

"yeah, i had nothing else to do for the night, so i just thought it would be cool to show up.", i wish my voice didn't crack a bit.

"i think it's cool", he smiled back. his smile was just the sweetest, i felt like melting. i hope i didn't blush too obviously. but deep inside my mind, whatever it is that i am feeling is all wrong.

"you seem to have a lot of entertaining to do.", i immediately quipped, afraid that an awkward silence would come in between. he might notice i'm all fidgety deep inside.

"yes, Stella's been counting on me with making her guests feel comfortable. i didn't expect she'd invited so many people. if you're looking for her, she's by the pool, by the way."

"of course, why else would i miss greeting the celebrant. i also have something for her".

"that's sweet of you. so, i'll see you around then. enjoy yourself."

i could only smile back. i excused myself and headed out to the pool to greet his wife. he immediately got back to entertaining the other guests.

that moment on, everything was just blurry. i wish the carpet would just eat me alive, right there and then. but it didn't. i have to do my job as the good party guest.

the evening carried on perfectly. i could see people genuinely enjoying themselves. i managed to isolate myself as i sit alone in a corner, as i expected it would be. he didn't join me, of course. i never bumped into him again for the rest of the night.

if i leave the party now, no one won't even notice.

i always feel the loneliest when i'm in a middle of a crowd of strangers. i'd rather lock myself in my room, or watch a movie on my own. i'd rather have a meal by myself, than feel so out of place with a group of people who are totally clueless of your own desperation.

so i left the party and decided to take the bus ride home.

time's my only dear friend now. he's aware that there are things that i need to ponder on.
what was i seriously thinking that would happen at the party? i could only give myself a smile as i shake my head in disbelief that i've actually thought he'd give me a second look. it's about time i stop thinking about such absurdities. it's about time to move on.

the reason why i enjoy long bus rides, is that i get a sense of comfort from it. even if it's just the driver and me in that big bus, i don't feel a bit lonely. not at all.

bloopers atbp.

i have just been too preoccuppied the past few days. i think there are just too many things that i've been weighing, and weighing ... and weighing, that i've often caught myself staring blankly at the mirror for at least five minutes in the morning before i take my shower. i guess i'm close to becoming insane (but so does many people, so i'm not really worried about that :p). the only thing that gets me back to reality is the fact that i'm about to be late for work and i know i should be rushing.

it's not a written rule at work, but people averagely shows up at around 9:30 - 10:00 in the morning. my house is about 20 minutes by walk, or 3 minutes by bus from the office. so i'm fairly lucky. the last weeks, i've been battling to get out of the bed at around 9:00 am just to be at the office by 9:40. that already includes my shower, toothbrush, getting something to wear, dabbing some light makeup and running a brush on my dripping wet long hair. feeling ko sister na ako ni Flash nyan.

however, the past days with too many things inside my head, i've been getting up a bit later than usual. thus, i've been doubly rushing myself to work. talbog ko na si Flash! i know i should stop this bad habit but it's just difficult to be motivated to get out of the bed! then finally, i had my wake up call.

i went to work this morning fairly happy since i arrived at around 9:53. that was close! but when i saw that everyone else was already at the office (including those who usually come later than me), i sensed something was wrong. then when i went to my cube, i was just speechless to see my table empty.

Shocks, where the heck is my laptop??? ... waaah, it's at home!!!! how could i have forgotten it?

i was already almost late, and i had to explain to my boss that i have to go home to get my laptop. i so wanted to be eaten by the carpet that very moment(and just go back to sleep hehe).

well, i so hated myself this morning, but i realized that it's a blessing i just live a few blocks away. after i got back with my laptop, i had to look uber-busy to redeem myself (para mabawi naman ang pagka tangengots ko). i just hope my boss won't have this etched in his mind.

6 weird things

sometimes i feel glad that some friends in my blog-dom try to tag me on doing some things. it frees me from reorganizing my cluttered thoughts on what to blog about when there's so much that has been happening these days.

idel, being such a good friend, tagged me to write about my weird things. i think that's kinda tough to do so, coz i'm the almost-boring kind of normal person. so i just don't know what's weird in me, but i'm giving this a try. so see for urself if i'm weird enuf.

1. peanut butter
i love munching on peanuts. i love them roasted, salted, sweetened, glazed, chocolate coated, as long as i get to bite the whole piece. however, i can't stand peanut butter. i hate the smell, and couldn't take any food that has peanut butter in them. i don't like Reese's. the peanut butter taste simply stands out.

2. childhood habits
did u ever had childhood habits that you were glad you finally got over it? well, i think i had a few while i was growing up. but there's two habits that took a while before i totally lost them (and thank God i'm over them):

* divisible by 5. five isn't even my favorite number. but i had this habit of making sure that the syllables of every sentence i make is divisible by 5. i guess that's how i honed my skills in math. of course i don't do this all the time, but i do remember having to rephrase my sentence before uttering them when i see that the syllables in all the words in that sentence isn't divisible by 5. where on earth did i ever get this idea?

* don't step on the line. whenever i walk on streets with lines on them, i make sure i don't step on any of it. not that i believe some bad luck would happen to me, but i just avoid them for the sake of it. another similar situation is when i'm riding on a bus and i get a chance to sit at the front seat. whenever the bus passes through a shadow from a tree by the street, or the wires that hangs above the street between electric posts on opposite sides of the street, i imagine that i'm this big monster that bites or munches on the shadows that the bus passes by. well, it helps me not get bored during the travel when it's more than a four hour drive. it also keeps me from dozing off, and missing the interesting things that we pass by.

3. sharp sense of direction
they say that women naturally has a poor sense of direction. but i think i have a weird sense of direction. it's so sharp that i was almost convinced that i was a cab driver in my past life. bring me to someone's house, and have me find my way back to that house two or three years later and i can still find my way. i can remember if something in the neighborhood has changed, and if buildings or constructions move, i think i can remember their previous location too. i am not afraid of getting lost, as long as i can read the directions. plus, i'm not afraid of asking directions on the rare occasions that i get lost.

4. cheese addict
i can't imagine the world without cheese. i love everything with cheese on them. i can't get enough parmesan on my pasta (and now, on my pizza). i can eat anything with cream cheese. thank God for cheese tortellinis, cheese raviolis, cheese quesadillas, grilled cheese sandwiches. cheese, cheese, cheese, can't get enough of cheese.

5. poor on denim pants
i grew up with one denim pants at a time. what i mean is, i only get to have one or two pairs of jeans at my ward robe at a time. i was more the skirts, shorts, slacks kind of person. when i came to singapore, i had the most number of jeans in my wardrobe that i alternatively wear. the count is four. plus, i don't know how to pick a pair of jeans that fits. it's not that i don't want a pair of jeans. i do, i love 'em. i envy women who looks really chic on their pair of jeans. but i can't have that chic, smart street look cuz i barely find a levi's that fits on me beautifully. ( pang expose siguro talaga tong legs ko :p )

6. not afraid to dance
i love dancing - even when there's no music. i just play a beat in my head, and i can't stop those hips from swayin (whenever i feel like it, of course). i remember when my mother used to stop me from dancing in the street instead of normally walking with her.

well, there goes my six weird things. i don't know if they're weird enough. but this is how far i can be when we talk weird and crazy things that we unconsciously do.

to anyone who gets to read, i tag you now :)