parlez-vous français?

"Salut! ca va? ca va bien, merci. et toi? tres bien, merci. parlons français."

i went to turtle's nest for my weekly french classes yesterday.and unexpectedly, i was greeted by my french professeur with an unusually big smile and a funny face. was he wasted or what? he walked drunk, smiled drunk, smelled drunk. Need i still ask? he was indeed wasted! to confirm that he wasn't in some kind of act, he asked for the bottle of the remaining whisky and a glass as he got himself seated for our lessons.

okay, this shouldn't be a frightening situation. though, it's a really awkward one. So, i gave my teacher a weak smile. i remembered classmates attending class in the university who were drunk. but a drunk teacher in class? That just never crossed my mind. yesterday's class was quite an experience. i thought classes would be cancelled since he definitely couldn't think straight with his current situation. but he insisted on having the class, so we did!

we had to control ourselves not to burst out laughing most of the time. the first few minutes of it was really hilarious. my teacher was speaking french incessantly, that it was difficult to keep up. until he had to stop as he saw our confused faces while keeping ourselves from laughing (we were afraid we might offend him). how on earth would you know when a drunk person is serious?

a good thing though, in the middle of our class, his brother and a friend joined us. so we now have three different kinds of french guys: a french-french (my teacher who had stayed so long here in cebu and could now speak fluent cebuano dialect),an english-french(his brother who insisted that he is english and is also french), and an american-french(his friend, who happened to be seeing a good friend of mine). well, with those three guys around, we had one lively french class.

tout le monde s'amusait!

*****

mon professeur m'a demande de poster ceci:

"FRENCH, 100PHP/HR, 2341982" (cebu)

voulez vous parler français? so if you like to learn french and is currently in cebu, call this number.

love letters for david

telling you my heart's desire
is the struggle i fight each day
yet it seems a day is incomplete
if i can't pen my thoughts today

searching for the perfect notes
that befits my mind's content
scaling through a potpourri of words
is dragging me to a psychotropic bent

the silent cries that remained unheard
those elusive tears i've kept from falling
even euphoric signals running through my veins
the odds and ends i bind to keep from loosing

yet i endure this unsung madness with words
for i cannot leave a troubled heart undeciphered
so meticulously, i picked words amongst some others
and surprisingly, my thoughts have slowly uncluttered

and now my only wish for you, my dear david
that as my whims, through words, starts to unfold
and once you chance upon this scented sheet
let your heart's sentiments be told

tugged at the heart

10-9-8-7-4-3-1.

these are not today's lottery winning numbers, rather these are the ages of my nephews and nieces.

i was visiting my parents' place last weekend. with the presence of my little nieces and nephews in the house, the place is transformed into a quite opposite dwelling, compared to how it was then while i was growing up. these bambinis and bambinos just effortlessly turns the house upside down, and cause havoc at almost all its corners. seven kids are running about the house, with an accompanying orchestra of squeals and cries, one after the other, almost at every hour. it's really quite a scene observing them as they go about their daily adventures. now, i could relate to the movie, Cheaper by the dozen. :)

on last weekend's visit, i told my "pamangkins" that we'd make some pastillas de leche. Early saturday morning, they were already bugging me with buying the ingredients.

"Auntie, gising na. di ba gawa tayo ng pastillas today?" (It's still 9 in the morning! Tulog pa ako. Later, ok?)

After lunch.

"Auntie, di ba sabi mo gawa tayo ng pastillas?" (Wala pa tayong ingredients.)

After two hours later.

"Auntie, sige na bili na tayo ng ingredients. Ano ba ang ingredients ng pastillas?". And a younger one asks. "Ano ibig sabihin ng ingredients, Auntie?"

On our way home, from the city.

"Auntie, punta pa tayo sa mall para bili ng ingredients." And the others chorused, "Oo, auntie, bili pa tayo ng ingredients."

they didn't stop until i finally got to buy it (of course, with them excitedly tugging at my back inside the grocery store).

Then, together with the older ones (those from aged 7 up), we went to my cousin's place and did the pastillas over there. i could only manage up to four kids. at least they're at the stage where you could reason with them already. but still they are a handful. After a broken glass, a table covered with powdered milk all over (some even reaching the floor), and four hours later, the five of us managed to create the pastillas and had our fill of the sweets. it was such a feat to have 8 little hands work with you. but it was all worth it by just looking at them gather about you and actually listening to your instructions.

everytime i go home, i always do my best to be the good aunt. and being the aunt that they rarely see, it's always a heart-warming scene each time i see them. i beam at their big smiles, warm hugs and sweet kisses. well, that's one part i always look forward. kids will always be kids, despite how much hurly burly they cause at home, they too could be just the sweetest :)

having my "pamangkins" around, it makes me not want to have kids of my own yet. there are already so many kids at home, so why add to that :) but when i go back to cebu, i can't help but miss all of them. and seeing my brothers and sisters hover about them, makes me wish that i too have my own.... BUT, Wait. that's kinda scary. it's only a feeling. i'm not ready yet. he-he-he.

I always treasure my time with my nephews and nieces. And when i feel kinda homesick, and have some "maternal instinct" kick inside me, i'd just pack my things and head home. cause for now, that's where my heart is :)

a short fairy tale

i got a forwarded email from a friend about the shortest fairy tale.

********

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
She said, "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after.

********

And i couldn't help but comment on it, I think i have a better version.

********

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
She said, "Yes."
And after a few days, the guy changed his mind.
And the girl lived happily ever after.

********

my friends couldn't agree more :-)

i had rather

i had rather you drown me in the river
than leave me hanging on this cliff

i had rather you push me off the bridge
than leave me in the middle of the highway

i had rather you take me out to the vast desert
than leave me drenched in the cold rain

i had rather you crash the whole world on me
than burden me with a life without you

i had rather you cut out all of my heart
than let you in and simply leave it empty

i had rather you hurt and leave me
than fade away like you did

take me away

take me away
drift me far
i want to flee
i long to fade

be rather somewhere
than be stuck in here
that's almost a home
but could never be

spin me around
bang me to the walls
crash me in all its corners
do not let me be still

a heart crumbling to numbness
hollow and empty thoughts
deafening silence in my ears
these are all what's left of me

so please take me away
just drift me far
i so much want to flee
i so long to fade

i want to

i want to write to you today
i want to tell you how i have been
i want to know where you are
and how have you been

i want to see even a shadow of you
i want to hear even just a whisper
i want to feel even just the breeze
and have its embrace linger

i want to long for the past
i want to look forward to tomorrow
i want to be where i was with you
and not in this lonely burrow

i want to remember how we were
i want to not let your memories fade
i want to linger on thoughts of you
and hold on for as long as they stayed

but

i too want to leave all these wanting behind
i too want to end this craziness that is you
i too want to finally say that last goodbye
and simply go on living without you

the fallen leaves

i look upon the leaves helplessly lying still
parched on that solid ground, waiting
they wait for the cold breeze to come
and go, leave to them the taking

then they look upon the leaves above
hanging by the tree once familiar
oh so young, so green and so full of life
whilst they, wilting, drifting, fading

they thought about the good times past
they too bustled with the branches
and once chanted with the wind, even danced
to songs they are slowly forgetting

and now it seemed so long ago
like time is on a haste, fleeting
they ponder upon their chances now
when would the breeze come and do the taking?

hanging on my troubles

"hang in there!"

my mind just stopped working today. or was it just last saturday? i have a deadline, my boss expects me to finish a project this week (which i am almost done, except for this one big chunk that i need to get it working, but i just can't and i don't know where to start). is this normal? do brains really stop working?

okay, so mental block happens. but isn't that something which only happens for a few hours or even minutes? well, my technical brain has stopped working after i've stressed it out last week. what does it take for it to be churning up its engine once again? i've got a deadline to beat!

i was here in the office last weekend. but i was studying french instead of looking at my mentor's latest email and my new instructions of my tasks. i get interested in other things but work. i know this is normal and a lot could relate into this. but this isn't the time for that. i need to concentrate. i shouldn't cram and spend sleepless nights here in the office.. again. worse, it's without pay!

i need help. this is just a state of mind, right?

******

my life is a financial mess. and a big mess at that! c'est tant pis! i am drowning with my credit card bills and i can't sleep at night. it is getting me crazy. all my salary just goes to these credit cards. They are are actually eating me alive. okay, i shouldn't over-react. but this totally feels terrible.

how did i ever get myself into this mess? I am not a shopaholic. really! okay, maybe i have had some bad buys, some unnecessary expenses, and other mistakes that involved money. looking back, i could actually keep track for the money i've just thrown away because i've made the wrong investments. but how have i so irresponsibly used my credit cards? what does this reflect of me? Will i ever grow out of this immaturity? Do i need professional help now? how much would that cost?

*****

i've crashed out the carbs on my diet since last week. i've been trying so hard to diet but i don't think i lost any pounds at all. my tummy still is as flabby as i can remember. and i am always hungry.

but my stress should have cooperated with this diet thing, right? when people tell you, "hey, you got thin. did u diet?". a usual answer in these busy days would be, "no, i am just so stressed out these days i haven't eaten much nor slept much". but it is not working for me. i haven't eaten much, and i haven't slept much, but the pounds just won't stop increasing! where did i go wrong? maybe i have zero metabolism? is that even possible? or my body's just being abnormal?

i think i should get my lazy butt one of these days and really head for the gymn.

*******

i can't believe i am blogging at times like this.

sangria

my french classes ended too early yesterday (yes, i am taking french lessons just for the fun of it) since my teacher had a student right after our schedule. usually, nobody takes a later class than us (avec mon amie, jan). then, we could extend french class for two hours. i was kind of disappointed having the class cut short than usual but there was nothing we could do. to ease out that little disappointment, instead of going straight home, we decided to drop by at the small resto just near where we had our french classes.

The Wine shop (the resto's name) is a cozy little restaurant that serves spanish dishes and of course, spanish wines. What i had in mind was just to have a few pica-pica (as i was hungry) and maybe a glass of drink(vodka maybe, or a glass of house wine). Since it was just the two of us, we were seated by the bar when we saw the barista mixing a pitcher of Sangria, which they sell for 290 pesos. Cheap, huh? After asking him about the mixed drink, he was kind enough to give us a taste. Great red wine, and a sweet after taste. We would have loved to have a glass of it, but the restaurant is only selling it by the pitcher. I always get sleepy after a glass of red wine, so i decided not to go for it. But my friend was game about the drink, so we decided to call any available friend who might be game to have a few glasses of sangria with us on a week night. Unfortunately, only one was available. So, there was just three of us with more than a bottle of sangria to drown on.

as we try to fill ourselves with the fairly sweet and strong beverage, we jump from one topic to another. i was surprised with how much we had to talk about even if my friends and i see each other almost everyday of the week. or was it just the alcohol in us?

one topic that i could not put to rest (even up til now) was when my friend mentioned the deal with kf and i. He was the friend who introduced us in new york. i thought i have buried kf in the past. but when my friend showed me his number (since i have long ago deleted it from my phone book, and i refuse to remember his number though i know i still memorized it), the memories just went back.

*******

i was dialing those familiar numbers.... for the nth time. I bet that even without telling my finger which number to dial next, it would make it's way through those sequence of digits on my phone's num pad. then i press 'call', and my heart was beating a little faster.

kkkring.. kkkkring.. kkkring..kkkkring...voicemail. "Leave a message", in a deep, low, and sexy voice was all i heard on the other end.

"Why is he not answering my calls?", a question i was asking myself a thousand times.

The voice that i used to spend hours of talking over the phone, and the voice that i was starting to miss terribly, has now become an impersonal voice mail machine message.

*******

and now my friend is asking me to call him. i almost choked on my drink.

kf is, and probably will always be, an unfinished chapter in my life. i can't help remember the nights i'd spent dialing those number and with only a dead line on the other end. i found it difficult to believe then how he didn't want to hear from me anymore. I only gave up when i could not bear seeing his number registered in my monthly phone bill. It was just a proof of how pathetic i was becoming. And now, it has been a long time since i last tried to reach him. I guess i learned to simply put down that unfinished chapter in my life. i guess he was merely a part of those stories with hanging endings.

i stopped pushing for a happy ending for us after that. past is past, as i've mentioned in a previous blog entry. i have accepted the fact that, that was all there is to kf and me. and the taste of sangria on my lips is how I will remember him - a strong, sweet blend with that lasting impression.

Then i finished up my last glass.