bubbly over hearts day

ever since i've broken off the last string of attachment, i've tried to change tunes in my iPod. however, in the wee hours of the hearts day, i couldn't help but miss the old familiar tunes of colbie caillat and corinne bailey rae that i've grown to love the past months. probably because there's so much in the lyrics of their songs that hit me at the right spot these days.

the past days, i've been trying to ignore people who are just making a big fuss about the upcoming hearts day. this week, two friends have cried out to me the words i have been deaf to... 'i so want to fall in love'..

well, before you think i've gone cold or bitter about romantic love.. i do want to fall in love still... and i'm still on search for my greatest love ever.. however, i simply don't feel the need to be in love right now. let's say i've just had enough of falling in and out of love the past year, that i want to celebrate my being single this hearts day. i'm already so full of how things are going on with my life right now, how should that not be enough?

i just wonder how we got to make being single on the hearts day sound so pathetic? must be all the commercialism .. but really, come to think of it.. there's nothing desperate or pathetic about that. to recall my past celebrations of the hearts day, not a bouquet of red roses, or a box of chocolates could beat the best hearts day that i had.. where ri, nats and i, tried to roam around manila to look for a great place to have dinner.. we were two blocks away from the bombing of a bus near sm makati mrt station.. we walked down a stairway filled with candle lights, and entered a hotel lobby (was it at manila pen??), filled with couples on their romantic dates, as we were in our most bitter single selves.. (just imagine what we were going through by simply walking on that staircase) but then, we ended up enjoying the rest of the memorable night at the UP fair. you see, it's not about what you get to receive from a loved one, but how you get to spend this day that really matters...whether it be with your lovey-dovey or your best single pals.

janeth and i have celebrated the eve of hearts day, in the most impulsive way that we can think of.. we just bought what could be our most expensive buys to date.. which i would like to blog about separately.. then, we both enjoyed some great music at timbre bar, which has an exquisitely great view of the boat quay, over a bottle of wine, baked mussels, bacon wrapped prawns, and four cheese pizza. well, we weren't really hungry and we didn't get drunk at all before midnight. yeah right!

well.. we were not trying to appear desperate... a bottle of wine was just cheaper over two glasses of our favorite cocktails..so why not get a bottle of wine instead? hehehe.. besides, there were lots that we toasted on over the hearts day.. as much as i would like to remember what they were.. all i could recall are :

cheers to the men who came into our lives, who webbed colorful threads, and somehow, made some portions in our lives worth retelling :D

cheers to all the bitterness gone .. (really, they should have been down the drain a long time ago, but basking on them do serve the lessons that we have learned .. and still should learn)

cheers to the exciting year that's to come .. (we never know how this year would turn out, most specially when you're single..)

cheers to a happy life.. and how we should be luvin it. (hehehe must be the alcohol, but i did try to convince janeth that i'm just happy right now, and i can't find the words to defend it)

so.. happy hearts day everyone!

post c.n.y. blues

i can't believe the four-day weekend is over.

gawd..how these four days have gone by so quickly and how things have turned out so .. so ... darn unexpectedly! i am back at the moment where i would catch myself laying down in bed and think... WHAT THE HECK DID I PUT MYSELF INTO????? don't you just wish that sometimes we didn't do what we just did, and that we can forget the things that just happened.. and everything else was just a bad dream??

a few days ago, i was dusting off stardusts.. i was seriously looking forward for a fresh start and i am supposed to be happy now and finally be just content. but then, i have to screw everything up. it is my free-spirited, and a-little-bit-of-a-biatch (haha di pa gyud mu-angkon na full pledge :p) side of me that's got to blame for that. sometimes i really wonder why do i have so much carefree attitude that i always fail to think of the consequences of my own actions? it's too cowardly, and too immature.

sometimes, i just never learn. hayy .. kanindut duklon! i really do need to learn to pick myself up this time.

i know it's always never too late to make right the things we did wrong. however, the more important thing that we too have to keep in mind is that we should not waste our second-chance's.

exhausted

i just feel so exhausted today. it's like i am going to be really really sick or i am just simply imagining things because i'm definitely, definitely, just tired.

one misconception that i have for the year ahead was that i thought this year would be the year of opportunities and i must meet them with high spirits as i try to grab each one that comes along. however, with the things that has been going about, i have learned that to be able to move forward, i have to learn and practice to wait.

i have written about this waiting thing already, and it's been just less than a week and i say it's not easy. patience is indeed a virtue i do not possess. then i came across this video from charming's blog, and i say it hit me on the spot.

"You gotta slow down your life or you’re gonna be dead.” :D

so, how do i start?

dusting off those stardusts

so, i didnt get to say what i wanted to say. i just sat there, looking back at you, wishing my eyes didn't betray how my heart felt at that instant. you smiled, then i just smiled back filling in the awkward silence. it was kinda funny actually, being there with you at that moment. we were both in a situation where we know that words would be unnecessary. some things are simply better kept unknown, they won't make much of a difference anyways. so why bother?

i don't think i am really good with goodbyes. and if that would be the last time that i will get to see you, then at least i have more happy memories to look back to. you had me swoon in your arms and made me last through the holidays without being nostalgic. you were lots of things to me despite it all. you came like the knight in shining armor. then just before you had to go, you taught me how to fight my fears. you were the angel who showed me how to fly (though i know you don't actually believe in that). it is simply sad to let you go so easily like that - a simple shrug on my shoulder and you were gone.

my mind and my heart are so full of contradictions right now. i know i have all the right to be mad. but i also have the right to be happy. i choose 'happy'. i know i will be happier that things ended the way it just did. this broken feeling that's consuming me right now is simply temporary. it will be over soon.

a fresh start

today is officially the first day where i trudge down the road to making things right. no matter how heart-wrenching were the decisions that i had to make, i know it's all for my own good.

i am starting clean. i have cleared out the obstructions that would only sway me away from my real goals. then, i have to learn to be patient this month. there's gonna be lots of waiting this february. hopefully, things would start moving come march.

ja, ganbatte!

great expectations

i know it happens most of the time where our own actions lead people to the wrong conclusions. sometimes, we get too unaware of what we're doing that we do not mind how people really see our intentions. but most of the time, not minding is the only way to do it because we couldn't really care less how people see through our own gestures as long as we know what we are up to.

if we get too conscious about how we behave, what we say, we end up actually doing things or saying things that we don't intend to. well, that has been my case anyways. in cases like this, i have the tendency to get too uptight that i end up saying things that i don't really mean. that's why i stopped minding (if i can help it).

now, it is not most of the time though that somebody comes to you and tell you about what they think of you. then you get into a situation where you are simply left surprised and betrayed at the same time from the conclusions drawn. there were just too many mixed signals in the air and we're left helpless and hurt because we have just been judged wrongly.

i think this is just a result of people having too many expectations. sometimes, really, before drawing lines in a relationship, things should be clear of what to expect and what not to expect... however, that looses the essence of knowing someone because you simply would know when to not get too close. however too, it could work the other way around. you could make it work to your advantage if you don't expect anything from anyone at all.

i don't know if i am really making sense here.. but well, it really is simply frustrating when you're so over with these expectations, someone gets to you and say you're having too many of them. geez.

learning to wait

i once had a conversation with my friend marj about how we tend to get impatient about a lot of things in our lives most especially those that are beyond our control. being a very impulsive person, i have made a lot of mistakes in my life. looking back, i didn't have regrets because i insisted on learning the lessons that i get out of each experience. however, the mistakes have become a cycle. then it just shows i haven't learned a thing at all.

now, i am learning to wait. i am learning to wait for my future to unfold. it's exciting in a way, and scary all together. but i am praying for strength... for strength to make things right this time. i have friends and family to help me sort things out, and they are the angels who have taught me how to fly. i'm undeniably grateful for that.

i know there's one more thing that i need to do. i'm scared if i might not be able to say the things that i needed to say without having to cover myself with my pride. though i admit i am still praying that i might have the easiest escape, like i always resort to, whenever i have to face my own fears. but nah.. i promised myself.. kakayanin ko to :)

i read this forwarded email from www.wau.org.. it's the meditation from today's gospel.. it came to me like an answered prayer.

This may be a time of waiting, or it may be a time of deeper prayer and fellowship with Jesus. Perhaps God is calling you to read his word a bit more every day or to experiment with sharing your faith with a neighbor. Whatever the case, God is watching over you, giving you opportunities for your faith to blossom and bear marvelous fruit.

Are you ready to grow? Do you want to see more of God in your life? Look inward! Don't just try to do all the right things (which you must), but look to the work of the Spirit in your heart as well. Is he trying to put some sin to death in you? Is he trying to help you get over a wound that someone has left you with? Give the Spirit the chance to take the seed of your faith and grow it into something magnificent.

"Father, I say yes to you today in everything you ask of me. Take hold of my life more deeply and reveal your will for my life. Build a firm foundation within me that I might also help others to know you."

i am writing this.. so that whenever i get the itch to be impulsive again, i'll have something to remind me ... that i really do need to sit and wait sometimes, and all else will just unfold in the right place. :)