touching base and moving forward

i've been wondering why i am keeping an average of almost one blog per month this year. it's not that i have stopped fighting my demons (this never fails to motivate me to rant endlessly). however, when there is too much that's going on in and out of your mind, it's either you ramble a lot of nonsense, or you are simply at loss of words. i think i am suffering from the latter.

i do not want to go back though to what the past few days were like for me. the past year, i have more than enough emotional roller coaster than i could ask for in a life time. seriously, i am tired about all this. though surprisingly, i can move on so easily now - heart ache after heart ache. life's like this and life goes on :)

so, despite the uncertainty of what the future's gonna be, there's at least one thing that i am certain about - i'll be staying for at least another year in singapore. and for the first time, i am having so many plans in this one year. i have not really explored this island so much, simply out of disinterest, despite all its beauty. now i am realizing i have been wasting weekends in this country for the past two years when there's so much more to do and places to explore besides the shopping malls (finally, these shops have lost their charm ... as long as i can keep myself as far away from them).

but as a friend said, exploring a place alone is a sad thing - for there's no one you can share the experience with. i know there's truth in that. but i just do not want to focus on the 'going alone' part of my plans. so, anyone who thinks exploring singapore is your kind of fun, there's more than enough seats in the bus for you. sakay na! :D

my heart's content

jason sent me an sms two days ago about making plans for my birthday. suddenly, i found myself not knowing what to reply. i don't really feel comfortable about making plans on that day of the year. i can make plans for other people's birthday or any celebration for that matter without sweat, but i can't feel the same excitement when it's about planning for my birthday.

i need to be pushed by friends to celebrate my birthday. it's not that i am not thankful for birthdays. i indeed am, really, seriously thankful. but i am really not comfortable planning about how to celebrate it without that much pressing on. so i really thought these would be just one of those birthdays where i'd let the day pass. then, when i become comfortable thinking about how to spend it with friends, in a day or two, i'd come up of a way to celebrate it.

then, monday came, that's two days before my birthday, greetings already came flying. but not because they just wanted to greet me in advance, rather, they mistook me for another liz who's celebrating also their birthdays on successive dates as mine - the 3rd, and 4th. how coincidental is that? there must be something about march and my name. now, i can't help wonder about how my mother came up with the name. all the while, i was thinking she just picked it up randomly, when i was secretly wishing my name would be elizabeth. but that's another story.

so i've been receiving very very early greetings, and apologies for those who mistook me as the other liz on their friends list :D despite that, i realized my social circle has really grown. thanks to the great people i met in sfc :)

back to jason's message about making a plan, tuesday came, and i still don't have plans. i was close to asking him to have dinner with me if i could not think of something. however, i'm learning to wait these days. maybe, there'll be plans later. i don't need to rush. (sorry bro, naging back up plan kita! haha! but i know you won't mind for you are such a great friend :p).. besides, i have a movie date with my household that day, so i'll just focus on that first. maybe, something in the movie would influence me on how i should spend my birthday. :D

however, to my utmost surprise.. the movie date was just a front. these girls from my household actually planned on a pre-birthday dinner for me.. with a really, really cute gift, and balloons! oh, and a cake and a candle too :D it's only in singapore that i really have these surprises on my birthdays.. and i just got one of the best on my third birthday here. well, too bad i wasn't a crybaby, para complete ang drama! haha. but i guess with the big big smile i was wearing the whole night, i bet it wasn't difficult for them to be convinced how happy they made me. everything was just simply overwhelming..thanks guys! thanks for the wishes too.. :)

now, the big day has come.. and i don't need to make plans. the roseville gurls and friends, are organizing a dinner for me.. yey! my family back in the philippines may not be here physically, but they have never failed to show me their love. and with all these, my family, my friends, my crossroads, i feel the abundance of my blessings. for this, may God be praised!

bubbly over hearts day

ever since i've broken off the last string of attachment, i've tried to change tunes in my iPod. however, in the wee hours of the hearts day, i couldn't help but miss the old familiar tunes of colbie caillat and corinne bailey rae that i've grown to love the past months. probably because there's so much in the lyrics of their songs that hit me at the right spot these days.

the past days, i've been trying to ignore people who are just making a big fuss about the upcoming hearts day. this week, two friends have cried out to me the words i have been deaf to... 'i so want to fall in love'..

well, before you think i've gone cold or bitter about romantic love.. i do want to fall in love still... and i'm still on search for my greatest love ever.. however, i simply don't feel the need to be in love right now. let's say i've just had enough of falling in and out of love the past year, that i want to celebrate my being single this hearts day. i'm already so full of how things are going on with my life right now, how should that not be enough?

i just wonder how we got to make being single on the hearts day sound so pathetic? must be all the commercialism .. but really, come to think of it.. there's nothing desperate or pathetic about that. to recall my past celebrations of the hearts day, not a bouquet of red roses, or a box of chocolates could beat the best hearts day that i had.. where ri, nats and i, tried to roam around manila to look for a great place to have dinner.. we were two blocks away from the bombing of a bus near sm makati mrt station.. we walked down a stairway filled with candle lights, and entered a hotel lobby (was it at manila pen??), filled with couples on their romantic dates, as we were in our most bitter single selves.. (just imagine what we were going through by simply walking on that staircase) but then, we ended up enjoying the rest of the memorable night at the UP fair. you see, it's not about what you get to receive from a loved one, but how you get to spend this day that really matters...whether it be with your lovey-dovey or your best single pals.

janeth and i have celebrated the eve of hearts day, in the most impulsive way that we can think of.. we just bought what could be our most expensive buys to date.. which i would like to blog about separately.. then, we both enjoyed some great music at timbre bar, which has an exquisitely great view of the boat quay, over a bottle of wine, baked mussels, bacon wrapped prawns, and four cheese pizza. well, we weren't really hungry and we didn't get drunk at all before midnight. yeah right!

well.. we were not trying to appear desperate... a bottle of wine was just cheaper over two glasses of our favorite cocktails..so why not get a bottle of wine instead? hehehe.. besides, there were lots that we toasted on over the hearts day.. as much as i would like to remember what they were.. all i could recall are :

cheers to the men who came into our lives, who webbed colorful threads, and somehow, made some portions in our lives worth retelling :D

cheers to all the bitterness gone .. (really, they should have been down the drain a long time ago, but basking on them do serve the lessons that we have learned .. and still should learn)

cheers to the exciting year that's to come .. (we never know how this year would turn out, most specially when you're single..)

cheers to a happy life.. and how we should be luvin it. (hehehe must be the alcohol, but i did try to convince janeth that i'm just happy right now, and i can't find the words to defend it)

so.. happy hearts day everyone!

exhausted

i just feel so exhausted today. it's like i am going to be really really sick or i am just simply imagining things because i'm definitely, definitely, just tired.

one misconception that i have for the year ahead was that i thought this year would be the year of opportunities and i must meet them with high spirits as i try to grab each one that comes along. however, with the things that has been going about, i have learned that to be able to move forward, i have to learn and practice to wait.

i have written about this waiting thing already, and it's been just less than a week and i say it's not easy. patience is indeed a virtue i do not possess. then i came across this video from charming's blog, and i say it hit me on the spot.

"You gotta slow down your life or you’re gonna be dead.” :D

so, how do i start?

dusting off those stardusts

so, i didnt get to say what i wanted to say. i just sat there, looking back at you, wishing my eyes didn't betray how my heart felt at that instant. you smiled, then i just smiled back filling in the awkward silence. it was kinda funny actually, being there with you at that moment. we were both in a situation where we know that words would be unnecessary. some things are simply better kept unknown, they won't make much of a difference anyways. so why bother?

i don't think i am really good with goodbyes. and if that would be the last time that i will get to see you, then at least i have more happy memories to look back to. you had me swoon in your arms and made me last through the holidays without being nostalgic. you were lots of things to me despite it all. you came like the knight in shining armor. then just before you had to go, you taught me how to fight my fears. you were the angel who showed me how to fly (though i know you don't actually believe in that). it is simply sad to let you go so easily like that - a simple shrug on my shoulder and you were gone.

my mind and my heart are so full of contradictions right now. i know i have all the right to be mad. but i also have the right to be happy. i choose 'happy'. i know i will be happier that things ended the way it just did. this broken feeling that's consuming me right now is simply temporary. it will be over soon.

a fresh start

today is officially the first day where i trudge down the road to making things right. no matter how heart-wrenching were the decisions that i had to make, i know it's all for my own good.

i am starting clean. i have cleared out the obstructions that would only sway me away from my real goals. then, i have to learn to be patient this month. there's gonna be lots of waiting this february. hopefully, things would start moving come march.

ja, ganbatte!

learning to wait

i once had a conversation with my friend marj about how we tend to get impatient about a lot of things in our lives most especially those that are beyond our control. being a very impulsive person, i have made a lot of mistakes in my life. looking back, i didn't have regrets because i insisted on learning the lessons that i get out of each experience. however, the mistakes have become a cycle. then it just shows i haven't learned a thing at all.

now, i am learning to wait. i am learning to wait for my future to unfold. it's exciting in a way, and scary all together. but i am praying for strength... for strength to make things right this time. i have friends and family to help me sort things out, and they are the angels who have taught me how to fly. i'm undeniably grateful for that.

i know there's one more thing that i need to do. i'm scared if i might not be able to say the things that i needed to say without having to cover myself with my pride. though i admit i am still praying that i might have the easiest escape, like i always resort to, whenever i have to face my own fears. but nah.. i promised myself.. kakayanin ko to :)

i read this forwarded email from www.wau.org.. it's the meditation from today's gospel.. it came to me like an answered prayer.

This may be a time of waiting, or it may be a time of deeper prayer and fellowship with Jesus. Perhaps God is calling you to read his word a bit more every day or to experiment with sharing your faith with a neighbor. Whatever the case, God is watching over you, giving you opportunities for your faith to blossom and bear marvelous fruit.

Are you ready to grow? Do you want to see more of God in your life? Look inward! Don't just try to do all the right things (which you must), but look to the work of the Spirit in your heart as well. Is he trying to put some sin to death in you? Is he trying to help you get over a wound that someone has left you with? Give the Spirit the chance to take the seed of your faith and grow it into something magnificent.

"Father, I say yes to you today in everything you ask of me. Take hold of my life more deeply and reveal your will for my life. Build a firm foundation within me that I might also help others to know you."

i am writing this.. so that whenever i get the itch to be impulsive again, i'll have something to remind me ... that i really do need to sit and wait sometimes, and all else will just unfold in the right place. :)

not getting anywhere

i would have wanted to say that the reason for my blogless days would be that I was too busy learning how to fly this january. you see, i had so much hopes for this year, and if i were to choose i'd be packing my bags already and be off to my next destination.

however, i am far from that. i often find myself burried with work because it is the easiest escape i can find. it seems all else in life that i think should matter have remained elusive. then things got blurry that i could not even start pointing out what else really matter now.

i have to start finding the courage to speak what my heart so desires before i can say i have actually done something. instead i still get cold feet and choose to waste my dreams on my pillows at night. then i get to bitch about my insecurities by day. some tough act i got.

i'll never get anywhere if i continue to be like this. january is about to end and i have not even started picking up my wings. i guess i might as well forget about love ever finding me.

the next wedding of the year

mats is the second closest girl friend who got married this year. and was her wedding just perfectly lovely! (and so were we, by the way :p)

i think i just loved everything about her wedding. but she has a wedding planner, and they really did a great great job. it was a totally stress-free as someone else had to take care of all things needed. we ended having fun all through out even while we were still doing our makeup in the morning. well, with five photographers loving to take pictures of the bride and her equally willing bridesmaids model-wannabees, who wouldn't enjoy every second of it? :D oo na, mahilig kami magpapicture.. :P

the whole ceremony was very intimate and everything else went smoothly up to the reception. the food was great, i had my first taste of lechon! yey! :D .. okay, so i over ate again at the reception. but i can't help it. i haven't had lechon since i arrived in cebu! :D

the reception program was fun too. except that i didn't get the bouquet! .. but, there's always the next wedding, i'm not in a rush anyways..(nyahahaha... hindi ako bitter :p) .. well, i think i'm just catching a bug that's why i am babbling like this. it has to stop..really.

the rest of the night was filled with lots of dancing as the host hired a great show band for us to party with. the bar was also overflowing with tequila, beer, rum, whiskey and wine. i can't help but to take a few shots.. it's for the newlyweds anyways! :D cheers!

*sigh* .. so mats and jonel finally tied up after six years of being together. seeing both great friends and equally great people being as happy as they are together, what more can i say? :)

not so long december

it has been quite a long december. it's just the 20th, five days before christmas eve and so much has happened already. i have finally learned to let go of toxic people, played with fate, and now, i am collecting stardusts.

i thought i was about to loose the mood of the festive season, when now i am basking with such joy that it's difficult to contain. my heart has been flying up, up and away that i am having a hard time to keep it put. i should really learn to stop falling in love with love, or end up with a dreamy christmas. but then, there's nothing wrong with that, right?

my friends have been telling me to enjoy the moments, loose all the negativity, and keep that smile on the face and start to realize about the dozen of things to be really thankful for. indeed, there's lot's to be thankful for.

so.. it's just five days before christmas eve and i am flying back to cebu tonight to spend my christmas with my family. yey! but before that, i have to be the bridesmaid for my roommate's wedding in bacolod, and i've been really so excited because it's gonna be my first time in that town. oh, and i got a few more trips planned right after christmas, i can't wait! it's gonna be a busy vacation for me then.

and.. i'm so looking forward for the new year. :)

for you .. in dreams

for the sleepless nights, and the restless mornings, for the stolen glances, and the endless longing... for all the unheard whispers ... for everything, for you.

"you left me even before i met you, how could that happen? i loved you even before i knew. and now the days on the calendar fall one by one like autumn leaves, reminding me of a time that never was when i used to sleep in your embrace. it seems like eons ago, a whole other life lived from the other window.

i tried to quit you, but like a habit forming drug, you have corrupted my system until i could no longer distinguish between what's real and what's pigment of my raging illusions.

if only i could live in dreams, and never wake, but my alarm clock is too selfish, it wants to snatch my piece of heaven and let me slide back down to earth without grace, like wingless angels that have lost their faith.

they say nothing is ever lost, nothing that can't be found. and yet i know in my heart that i'll never find you, because i never lost you,

because i never really had you at all."
- poeticnook, in dreams

a day of lasts

it's the last day of the NaBloPoMo challenge, and i think i faired enough. i missed three days but that's not too bad, don't ya think? (yey, i did it. :D )

aside from being the last day of the month-long blogging challenge, it's also the last day of the month and it's going to be December. finally, a month to go before another year starts. a month to look back, ponder, and do a personal recollection of how much we've grown spiritually, emotionally, socially, financially, intellectually... and all other aspects that we think we should at least improve.

on a lesser serious note, it's also the last work day of the week and another weekend to enjoy. i'm torn between doing social work or feeding my vanity tomorrow. hmm... what-to-do-what-to-do. it's a tough choice.. really. *roll eyes*.

another worry, i feel the party-pooper in me is coming out. not when the festive season is just about to start! i guess my excitement came in too early this year that it died down quickly too. but i'm probably just exhausted from all the party-planning and partying the past weeks that i have this strange urge to burry myself with work this weekend. what a weird way to balance work with social life. and yeah right, if that happens! duh!

so, december.. the last month of the year.. it seems that i have been anticipating so much for your coming. and now you're finally here. *deep breath* (note to self: kaya mo yan.)

He's got plans too

nat's comment on my previous entry really got me thinking.

"if you want to make God laugh, make a plan."

actually, that's the first time i heard of such saying, but indeed it has some truth in it. it's not the first time though that i have received a comment of that sort. i guess i invite such comments when i ranted about my plans for next year and how much i am putting at stake just to stick with it.

so maybe i am very comical in God's eyes right now. i got plans! but really, i do agree that all is in His hands. i just need reminders! :D i know in my heart, He always has my best interest.

all i got to do is behave.

ep renewed

it's still three months before my employment pass expires, but my boss decided to have it renewed as early as now. according to him, we do not have to wait for the last minute for the renewal application - well, with the holidays coming, and me taking a long leave, etc etc. (?) difficult it may seem to have those reasons connected with my application, i don't want to disagree. i would have wanted to tell him to wait as there might be no need for a renewal (naks! the thought is giving me goosebumps pa. lol.), but it would be giving him some hint about my "plans". and i don't want that to happen.. yet. too soon, baka ma preempt (hwag naman Lord).

but maybe it's for the good. maybe plan B would be the way to go. what's plan A once again? i don't want to say my future's too bleak, but you see, i've made a layout for a plan A, B, C, D and E of my life next year. i even have a song to sing come january, to meet the year with gusto! :D call that uber-prepared. (er, not financially though :X). but there's no harm in having too many options, right? nweyz, it's good enough to have lots of fall backs in case plans A, B, C or D doesn't work. there's always plan E.

when my boss gave me the print of my EP renewal (hmm..that was a quick one there boss!), it seems a chunk has been lifted off my shoulder. plan B wouldn't be much of a burden in case plan A fails. good luck to moi!

keeping mum

have you gotten to the point that even you find yourself too annoying? (how much more would others feel?)

i think i have. i'm easily irked up by me the past days that all i want to do is just be quiet. stay quiet. maybe i have been too loud lately after all the partying fuss. maybe, there's just too much that i am preoccupied about - how long will i bask myself with this emotional torture? will i ever get to buy that one way ticket to never never land? for once, i do not want to be pressured to have to find answers to these. i just want to stop all my thoughts as they are screaming inside my head. am i about to cross the thin line to insanity? bummer. i simply want to stay put. be still.

it's just two days before the NaBloPoMo challenge ends and i have to feel this way! dammit. i missed a few days of blogging coz of this i-want-to-detach-myself-from-the-world mood.

when i wish on the stars

some people are just lucky to have the right things, and the right people fall into their lap without them having to work so hard for it. like all they have to do is give their sweetest smile to the stars and the whole universe would conspire to give their heart's desire.

i often find myself secretly wishing for that kind of life where everything would just perfectly fall into the right places at the right time as i planned them to be. that would surely save me from worrying too much for all those things that had gone awry.

but on another note, that would also fade out the luster caused by life's sweet surprises. there is thrill when things do not go as planned for it is an opportunity for us to work on our own creativity on how to survive each one of them.

so i guess i am getting back what i said. i would stop secretly wishing for things to fall right into place. but could i still keep wishing for the right person to fall into my lap? :)

cleaned out

i promised myself to sleep early tonite so that i could wake up early tomorrow, so that i won't be late for work anymore. however, it's past midnight, and i am still wide awake, blogging. obviously.

well, i found myself cleaning up some mess in our storage room as there was just too many boxes that it was getting difficult to get through. it's a surprise how clutter could easily pile up in a few months, and just a night to clean it all up.

if only it is that easy to clean up the clutter that we pile up in our lives after years of making the wrong decisions. *sigh*. it is a struggle and a really really slow process to straighten the mess that have piled up after screwing up several times. not to mention, it also takes a whole lot of will-power to even start.

but then, once you start, all else will easily follow. just takes patience, be the optimist that we should be. ne?

weekend nights

i didn't intend to miss blogging for two days. but there are weekend nights, and what's a single girl got to do?

met with friends for dinner at 8pm on a friday night, went clubbing from 9pm til the wee hours. reached home at around 4am already. spent the most part saturday morning sleeping. missed yoga classes, too tired to wake up. missed the sfc's prayer assembly, must head to the gym for pilates class at 2pm, and de-stress in the sauna for at least an hour. went home at 5pm and had grocery shopping. cooked dinner for friends. went for a late night movie at 9pm, stayed out again for the second consecutive night, went home at still another unholy hour (forgot to check the time). slept at 6 am already. after such a busy saturday, all what's left for me to do on sunday is catch up on the much needed sleep.

this is the part where you enjoy being single. there's too much freedom in it.

taking on a challenge

after pouring my heart out in my previous blog about my current obsession, surprisingly, i found a surge of peacefulness within me that i could not find anything to blog about. my emotions have gone blank. zilch. does this mean that i have managed to make peace with my own demons? or simply put, have i moved on? or ... have i gotten numb?

hmm, i am not too sure if there's even something to move on about the whole thing. i can't say if getting a "closure" would even make a difference. it didn't do a thing when i struggled for it before, so how could it possibly put things in a different perspective now? come to think of it, "closure" is like this thin thread where hopeless romantics desperately hang on to. once you've let go, you realize you were holding on to the wrong thread nweys. so what's there to loose, but time? (well, there's a thought i could bang my head with from time to time.) maybe, indeed, i've gotten numb.

nweys, i am not about to go gushing once again about my own histoire d'amour. all these thoughts just came when i've decided to take on a challenge which i found from charming's website - the NaBloPoMo, where you need to blog about anything everyday for the whole month of november. that's every freaking single day, and i got a life outside work too, if you haven't noticed.

while i was on the bus on my way home from the gym (yes, i'm trying to be a health buff), i was really up for this challenge. i was composing my thoughts on what could i possibly blog about every single day, where i don't have to dwell much on my geeky, nerdy job. that's when i realized that i've burried the hatchet after killing my own demons when i openly wrote about letting go. well, i am not really too sure about killing my own demons. i'm making friends with them would be more like it. befriend your own enemies, as they say. hehehehe. and of course i'm kidding.

okay, there goes the only complex thing in my life these days. dans l'absence d'amour, what is left for me to write? naks.. seriously, what's left for me to rant about? new shoes? new sale? new dish to cook? ... new obsession? hmm..

oh well .. peu importe. i can still very much rant about anything under the sun nweys.

ja, ganbatte! :D

cozy morning musings

except for a few exceptionally energetic people, waking up in the morning is a total drag. make that double the effort when it's a monday morning. then raise that to the nth power, when it's a rainy monday morning. you get my point.

i usually turn the volume loud on my radio, listening to class 95's glenn and the flying dutchman for their morning express segment, and looking forward to the right feel good music that would kick me out of my bed. sometimes, we really need something, an outer force, to keep us going. the few exceptionally energetic people don't need things like that though, and i really, really envy them for that. *sigh helplessly*

i look forward to mornings where i won't feel that they are such a drag. when someone would wake me up, and shower me with morning kisses. i need my dreamlover to rescue me. *sigh dreamily*

well, that's the song that perked me up today. mariah carey's Dream Lover. isn't this a nice one? a morning filled with romantic hope despite the weather? on another note, maybe the weather does got something to do with all the romanticism.

I need a lover to give me
The kind of love
That will last always
I need somebody uplifting
To take me away
I want a lover who knows me
Who understands how I feel inside
Someone to comfort and hold me
Through the long lonely nights
Till the dawn
Why don't you take me away