deux mille cinq

i was thinking of meeting the new year without even contemplating about how 2005 was. then i read ria's year ender survey, and thought about doing the same thing just to see how life has been for me this year. below are my own answers to the year-ender survey (inspired by ria's blog).

What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
* learned how to drive, and actually got to drive with a license
* travelled out of the country alone, lived in a hotel and had the scariest job interview (and that was an all expense paid experience, so okay lang)
* travelled more of luzon (reached baguio, vigan, laoag, and pagudpod)
* travelled more out of the country (all for leisure)
* wrote poetry (i did some cheap attempts :p)

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
* i guess. the only resolution i made for 2005 was to be serious with my career. i guess i did just that.

What countries did you visit?
* japan, u.s. and singapore

What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
* the day i resigned from my previous company.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
* being able to drive in the interstate road despite everyone's fear on my driving skills, nobody else believed that i could do it, and i proved 'em wrong
* being able to find work here in singapore

what was your biggest failure?
* i wasn't able to pass the scariest job interview, not because i have no idea of what their asking me, but because i wasn't able to think right under all those pressure.

What was the best thing you bought?
* i didn't have a big buy this year.. i spent everything on my trips, so i guess the best thing i bought would be the experiences i got from all of those travels.

Where did most of your money go?
* travelling, shopping and paying off my credit cards

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
* when i left for the u.s. for a job interview :) ... it would be my first time to travel to seattle, and i don't know anyone there. there's no one who would pick me up. plus, i had to drive myself from the airport to the hotel.

What song(s) will always remind you of 2005?
* Through the fire

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? -- happier!
ii. thinner or fatter? -- fatter :(
iii. richer or poorer? -- richer! (perhaps)

What do you wish you'd done more?
* exercised more, diet more

What do you wish you'd done less of?
* i wish I've eaten less, spent less on non-essential stuffs

What was your favorite TV program?
* Pinoy Big Brother, Full House (korean)

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
* None, the ones i hated last year.. still hate 'em now :D

What was the best book you read?
* i think i read only two books this year (he's just not that into you and the bridge across forever), so it's the former

What did you want and get?
* i wanted to learn how to drive so badly and finally did
* i moved out of cebu and landed me a job here

What was your favorite film of this year?
* star wars 3, innocent steps(korean)

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
* for my 26th birthday, i almost had a fight with my mom. which i would never never never want to do again. but we made peace before the day ended. then i had dinner with my friends later that night. not much huh? maybe next year would be a more memorable one :)

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
* i was more into jeans and sneakers.

Who did you miss?
* janeth, joan and my other ka-berks in cebu

Who was the best new person you met?
* my french teacher, i learned a lot from him, and i enjoyed each class i had and wish i could still continue my classes
* renzel, well she's a really sweet girl from my psw team. i'm just glad to find a friend in her :)
*

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
* never forget your faith, when the world would turn its back on you, the Lord would never miss to offer an open arm.
* always be grateful about everything in life (all good and bad), for everything happens for a reason
* determination could really make you go leaps
* if other people think they know you better, it's always smarter to think that you know yourself better than them.
* it is always nice to have someone to travel with you.
* falling in love is 70% from your mind.

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself:
* that i am the best team lead ever :D
* vous etes jolie (french guy nagsabi nito :p)
*

The most touching experience you've had this year?
* the moment that i told my team that i was resigning from my job, i knew i wasn't only leaving some job and officemates behind, i was also leaving good friends, good people who contributed a lot to making a bright day in an otherwise dull day at the office. however, letting me know how they feel about my resignation, their all out support and their trust in me despite how i was maltreated, was something i didnt expect at all. they made leaving all the more difficult to bear. i just miss all of them.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
* that i am stronger and wiser perhaps

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
* my appetite and my compulsiveness

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
* "Through the fire, To the limit, to the wall"

Was 2005 a good year for you?
* on the first part, it was smooth sailing. it was fun with all the travelling. valentines in manila, summer vacation in osaka. and other gimiks in cebu. but then it also had its share of bumps along the way. the good thing though is i still managed to put myself back on the right track.

What was your favorite moment of the year?
* the moment i got out of the seatac airport and started driving into the interstate road. all my problems in cebu totally got lost in the highway.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?
* mid october

Where were you when 2005 began?
* tagbilaran city

Who were you with?
* Family

Where will you be when 2005 ends?
* singapore

Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
* my friends here, we'll be watching some fireworks at the marina bay

Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
* save, save and save

What was your favorite month of 2005?
* mid october to november

Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2005?
* nope. way way less alcohol as compared to last year.

Do a lot of drugs in 2005?
* just my medications, but nothing addicting

How much money did you spend in 2005?
* all that i earned in 2005 + pag-ibig loan :(

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
* can anyone remind me? sa kadaghan siguro hehehehe

What are your plans for 2006?
* save up for the 2007 euro tour with my friends, and go to malaysia, thailand and hongkong

How are you different now that the year has ended?
* i have clearer goals with what to do in my life (at least for the next three years). when the year started, i never really had anything planned out. well, except for the career thing.

What are your wishes for the new year?
* i had to quote ria's wish here "I wish for more laughter and love not just for me but for my single friends as well"
* i wish for love, laughter and good health to all my friends and family
* i wish i could finally learn to really speak french

ho-ho-hum

christmas day passed with all my pre-christmas anxieties gone. well, i was worried if i'd be too homesick on my first holiday away from home. i used to picture myself listening to the famous celine dion's song for singles "All by myself" (ala bridget jones) while i sulk. good thing nothing close to that ever happened. i got busy reminding myself that it's christmas, and it's a time to be grateful about the blessings we all have and be more sensitive with other people's needs (or wants).

though it was quite difficult to get the feeling of christmas for i barely see reminders on the streets or in the houses and buildings as i commute between work and home. i know the essence of christmas isn't in all those glitz. but that's usually the most obvious sign (aside from the date) that the festive season is near.

so on the day before christmas, my friends and i hurriedly put up some christmas decors in our apartment. it was a good thing that there were left over decors from my company's christmas party the night before. aren't we resourceful? :D but that was way better than having none at all :D we all got excited looking at our work of art. the christmas spirit was definitely about the house when we saw our improvised christmas tree :)

if we had christmas decors at home, then we definitely wouldn't miss the "noche buena" (?). well, if you call instant pasta, pizza, chicken chops and home-made desserts a feast :D i guess we had more than enough since we even had the luxury to invite two other guests later that night... who literally spent their christmas on the streets ;-)

after dinner, we had the traditional gift-giving. though the "little" party ended out too soon since there were just the four of us. hehehe but it was fun. after which, we attended the christmas eve midnight mass at the nearby church. i was quite surprised to see so many attendees on the service knowing singapore isn't predominantly christian (or catholic to be specific). it was heartwarming to see all those church-goers. it was much the same back home.

well, the night became complete after i called home. being able to talk to my family and knowing that all of them are fine is good enough. additional blessings came when friends manage to send their christmas messages. it feels good that your friends still remember to greet you when you know their sms message costs a lot more.( hehehe. sa mga nagtipid, i understand though )

so there was really no reason to be anxious about after all. christmas will always be christmas wherever you celebrate as long as you know what really matters in this time of year. and that is being able to share the love, happiness and all other blessings that you have, not only to your family and friends, but most specially to those who needs them.

btw, many thanks to all who sent their christmas wishes thru email, sms or e-cards. :)

rise

by Gabrielle

I know that it’s over
But I can’t believe we’re through
They said that time’s a healer
And I’m better without you
It’s gonna take time I know
But I’ll get over you

Chorus:
Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now I’m ready to rise again
Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I’m building bridges from these scenes
Now I’m ready to rise again

Caught up in my thinking, yeah
Like a prisoner in my mind
You pose so many questions
But the truth was hard to find
I better think twice I know
That I’ll get over you

Much time has passed between us
Do you still think of me at all?
My world of broken promises
Now you won’t catch me when I fall

===============================

it's kinda funny how a song could still stir the same emotions just like the way it did when you last heard it. even if it were some two long years ago. well, this song somehow defined a part of my life, and showed a silver lining to a future that is now. i recall painful memories without the hurt. you remember the same emotions, yet somehow they feel differently now. it's like reading your own diary and thinking the person in that book is someone else.

remembering the naive me, i thought that i could not get over the hurt i was going through then. despite all the high hopes i had. i guess when we are going through difficult times in our lives, we always rush past the hurting stage. we don't want to go through all the hell that we are feeling.

it's been a while. yet, i admit that unanswered questions still occasionally cloud over me. but i just brush them off easily (something i've learned only through time). it'll always be a better day as long as you learn to eliminate the what-if's of your life. for i know that in time i'll learn to let go of them. all of them.

well, this is all part of moving on. and there's no shortcut for it. but once you've crossed that bridge and look back at the lessons learned, priceless experiences of learning to pick yourself up to rise again, you become more determined to live as the person you're meant to be. you could see how much you've grown and how much of your hopes and dreams have been built little by little. for there's only a stronger and hopefully, a better (not bitter) you ahead.

settled

after a month, i finally found a place to settle in. my friends and i just got ourselves a condo-apartment that we have leased for two years. but that's not by choice. i didn't realize that there's so much to consider when picking a condo unit here. everything depends what your agent could get you. sometimes, they pressure you for quick decisions when there's so much to consider. and after all the waiting and choosing, you end up settling for something not what you really want, but is the right one for the moment. most specially when you badly need one at that moment. besides, we didn't have that much luxury to choose for there's always an equivalent price for the things that you always want/wish to have. so it's either you raise your stakes or settle.

and that's we did. we settled. but somehow, after making our new place as cozy as we can get, we indeed got ourselves "settled". and we're happy. well, happiness, after all, doesn't mean acquiring fancy things. happiness is being contented with what you have. and that's how we felt with our new place. :)

i guess i could finally see myself living here for some time after having moved to a place of my own now. but of course, it won't be the marriage kind of settling down. oh, DEFINITELY not! hmm.. i just don't know yet for how long i intend to stay here. that is just too soon to tell.

pictures to follow :)

christmas

december. one of my favorite months of the year. next to my birthday month of course :)

how time flies fast. and if i continue to go about my daily routine between work and home, for sure, december 25 would pass without me noticing. but i wouldn't let that happen.

it's going to be my first christmas spent away from my family. and maybe because of that, i couldn't quite feel the christmas spirit. is it because i am in this country where the season of christmas is associated with extravagant christmas street lights and endless shopping sales? everytime i walk along orchard road, i get dazzled by the street lights and the big christmas tree just outside Paragon. however, it's all empty. i don't get the same feeling compared when i see our own christmas tree at home. i can't feel the warmth when i see us, gathering around and getting busy for the christmas season. even if there were christmas songs going about on every streets i go, it isn't just going to be the same.

this christmas would be all about missing my family and close friends.

gay or not?

how to ask a friend if your crush (who happened to be his friend) is gay or not?

i just had a good chat with an old friend, who happened to have gotten close with a past crush of mine. ever since, i've bugged him on info's about that crush. does he have a girlfriend? is he seeing anyone lately? what he's currently upto? and whatever things girls would like to know about their crushes.

in our conversation,we got to talk about my crush and realized that it has been a long time since i had a crush on his friend. it's been eight long years and he's more than ten years my senior. so he's like running forty now. but believe me, he totally doesn't look like it. :)

anyways, here's how our chat went about and how much i wanted to know if my crush was gay or not and why that thing's been ringing on my mind since who-knows-when.

me :: yellow
old-guy-friend :: high!
me :: how are you? anything new? :D
old-guy-friend :: i'm meeting up with *my-crush's-name* :D
me :: why is that?
me :: is he gay????
old-guy-friend :: how is that related!? hehe!
me :: or am i just in denial? hahahaha
old-guy-friend :: i have no idea hehehe!
me :: i asked you to find it out a long time ago...
me :: still no idea????
old-guy-friend :: how do you find out if a man is gay?
me :: if he's past 30 and he hasn't had a straight girl relationship for 10 years
me :: how many girlfriends has he had since i met him??
old-guy-friend :: ...
old-guy-friend :: i have no idea. :D
me :: he's got to be a 30 something V..hehehehehe
old-guy-friend :: how many boyfriends?
me :: oh yeah.. we didn't include that
me :: well at least 1 boyfriend could make a guy.. gay
old-guy-friend :: haven’t heard he’s got a boyfriend, right? hehe!
me :: so.. what is he??
old-guy-friend :: maybe just asexual :D
me :: oh yeah...i forgot.. humans could be that
me :: he hasn’t taken advantage on you.. has he??
me :: hehehehe you're close friends!
old-guy-friend :: hehehe!
old-guy-friend :: you are just frustrated. That’s all :P
me :: hehehehe it's nothing.. can't stop wondering about that every time his name gets mentioned :D
me :: i mean.. it's normal since i had a long time crush on him :)
old-guy-friend :: hehe! coz u wanted him but failed. miserably :P
me :: hehehehe okay!!
me :: i didn’t do any moves on him!!!
me :: it was fun observing him though hehehehe
old-guy-friend :: so as a defense, you start making up these stories to console your grief! :P
me :: hehehehehe
me :: nah.. he's got to be gay!!
old-guy-friend :: :D
me :: heheheh or chooosy and picky..
me :: but then.. that's so feminine
me :: or.. he's saving it for the RIGHT one
me :: and that's romantic? but still.. less male hehehehe
old-guy-friend :: there you go again... :D
me :: heheheheh it's just.. i got to think about it now
me :: so it's a normal reaction on my side
old-guy-friend :: normal defensive reaction for the preservation of your dignity :D
me :: whatever!!
old-guy-friend :: heheh!
me :: why not ask him?.. tell him some people are wondering
me :: you're the one whose friends with him
me :: and close :)
me :: if we were close.. i'd surely ask him
old-guy-friend :: yeah right!
me :: have some heart to heart talk when he gets there..
me :: com'n !!
old-guy-friend :: yes, dear.
old-guy-friend :: ok, manipulate me. you want me to give up my left leg for you too? sure!
old-guy-friend :: :P
me :: hehehehe i didnt manipulate you to do it.. i'm just giving you some suggestions while you're at it..
me :: and he's meeting you
me :: and you would be spending more time together
me :: and for sure you would be talking about personal stuffs
me :: and for sure this conversation would pop up in your mind when you see him...
old-guy-friend :: who said we would be talking about personal stuffs?!
old-guy-friend :: when did guys ever talk about personal stuffs?!
me :: people do that
me :: over a few bottles of beer???
old-guy-friend :: i mean, what is it to me if he is gay or not?!
old-guy-friend :: what do i get if i find out? nothing!
old-guy-friend :: :P
me :: you can tell me
me :: it will answer my questions
me :: it's a favor actually
old-guy-friend :: whose interest will it serve?! certainly not mine!
old-guy-friend :: hehehehe!
me :: it will serve mine and some of those who also are wondering about it
me :: for the good of the people
old-guy-friend :: but why? how can it possibly serve you?
me :: hmmm.. to let the thought die down.. and finally give it some rest?
old-guy-friend :: why cant it get rest now?
me :: if these thoughts about him were souls, well ..there'd be more disturbed souls roaming about this earth
me :: because it has no answer
old-guy-friend :: but these are not souls.
old-guy-friend :: these are just fragments of people's thinking
me :: fragments that still needs to be put to rest
old-guy-friend :: souls, we can not do much about but thoughts, we can control!
me :: it was a metaphor
old-guy-friend :: hehe! fine
old-guy-friend :: well, these things will stop if you decide to stop them. that's all :D

****

okay, so my old-guy-friend didn't really answer my question. and that has been a long time argument between us. i never did succeed convincing him to ask if my crush was gay or not. so that means there's nothing to be confident about my persuasive skills. Or, my friend could have a point. i should really let this topic to rest. well, till next time we get to talk about him again :)

-----

Disclaimer : Any resemblance to real persons, living or barely alive, is purely coincidental... simply put - "keep it to yourself".

cluttered thoughts

i am here stuck in my new office hating myself for feeling guilty of not doing anything productive at all. i couldn't stop thinking of how another unproductive day has passed scanning documents that never really sinked in to my "brain" as i changed the text colors of my visual studio editor to fight my boredom.

in the whole week of utter helplessness and being lost in "translation" amidst the growing chinese population in this small office, i could not help look back at the life from my previous work place where i was more confident with what i am doing. i just hate feeling helpless. though i know i only feel this way because i am just being too hard on myself. this is a normal thing to happen on the first week of work where most of the days are spent adjusting to your new work environment and familiarizing your project and tasks. this has been my third company in my so called career life, i should know by now that this thing happens. well, i am just being impatient.

so here i am in my spacious cube, watching patiently for the minutes and hours to pass, in between glances from technical documents and source codes in my now very colorful editor. all throughout the week, i tried to fight the urge to blog. but obviously, i failed.

since i decided to move here in singapore, it seems there's just so much that i wanted to blog about. from little known surprising facts on why adults are missing in japan (read it from a singaporean tabloid), to the startling question thrown at me two days ago - "do i believe in true love?". i couldn't even think of a good subject line for a blog that would fit the hodge-podge of thoughts waiting to be documented in this little space.

so here's a few of the cluttered thoughts coming back and forth in this idle mind as i try to pick myself and start getting used to life out here.

***

i terribly missed my friends in cebu. i missed hanging out with them, spending dinner together, hanging out at ASLE, planning on the next out of town escapades, and dreaming together about life outside cebu. it's too bad already that i would miss the upcoming christmas reunion that we had planned three months ago.

***

one of my best friends, or my bestest best friend is about to be a Dad! the news came out as a surprise, but i'm definitely happy for him. i am confident that he'd be a great father :) however, it makes me sad thinking how time flies, where your friends are having babies now and you are still single where settling down is in the farthest edge of your thoughts. i just hope that the next news won't be them having grand children, while i'm out there dating divorced men. that's just scary.

***

i was reading a newsletter at the changi airport when i came across a short article about the alarming increase of missing persons in japan. however, i was more alarmed to know that the reason is not abduction, but rather it's family, work and relationship problems that are causing people to be missing. if i were in japan, i'd be long gone missing already. and i know some other people too :)

***

i guess i got fewer cluttered thoughts than i expected. or too much idleness just leads my mind to be blank. but at least i get to blog now and there's fewer people in the office, so it's okay to post this one already.

sablay

"‘Sang tama, sampung mali ganyan ako pumili
‘Di na mababawi ng puso kong sawi
Daig pa’ng telenobela kung ako ay magdrama
Ganyan ba talaga guhit ng aking tadhana"

when the song "Hari ng Sablay" by a local band (Sugarfree) was starting to get popular, my friends (ka-berks) have started calling me "Reyna ng sablay". (i didn't even know the meaning of the word then, and i couldn't get the closest english translation for it)

of course i disagreed with them. i can't make that many wrong decisions in my life to earn such title. can i? and i knew it was just a joke so i never really thought about how much truth there when they had my name attached to it.

however, just recently, i saw myself facing the consequences of some wrong decisions that i have made. t was okay if those decisions i came up with were of impulsive nature. but no. i had been thinking and rethinking about them, but in the end, i still end up making the wrong choices.

as i was wallowing with my frustrations with the wrong choice of coffee and food for my lunch (which I realized once they were served), i had concluded to myself that the feelings i am experiencing right now were not new at all. and it hits me, i've had made lots of wrong decisions in my life leading to my tons of misfortunes and there was no one else to blame but me.

if there were lessons to learn with all my misfortunes, i'd be making a saga out of it already. worse, most of them are not closely related to each other. therefore, i could not just easily apply my previous life lessons. they are always new and unrelated and sometimes i think when will i ever learn to make the right decisions? impulsive or well-thought decisions? it seems my calculations with life is most of the time wrong.

in fairness, sometimes each "sablay" i make accidentally leads to something good. but it is just frustrating to know that fact. and sad too. very sad.

i wonder if i will ever get out of this. or this is just another part of me that i am actually hating right now.

well, my only prayer now is for me to understand one wrong decision from the other and be grateful for whatever good that might come out of it and continue to learn from its consequences.

love song for me

love, can I be love
love, could I ever really be loved
love, if you ever find me
I wonder will you try me
I'm so different than before
love, the kind that I dream of
it starts right here inside of me love
love, if you ever find me
I wonder will you try me
I'm so different than before
love I am so different than before
love I am so different...
love, where are you waiting
in dark and smoky rooms
I hear you singing to me
love, let my voice take you
and the songs we'd make
would be so different than before
oh yes my love, if you ever find me
then I ask you try me
I'm so different than before
love I am so different than before
love I am so different...

================
LOVE - by Rosey. This is a song from the Bridget Jone's Diary OST.
when the possibility of love tried to knock on my door, i was struggling if i should open it and embrace love with all the longing in my heart or i could just keep it shut and move on with my life like i never heard the knockings at all.
i am such a coward. so i chose to be deaf about it all.
indeed i'm afraid for the endless possibilities of falling in love and yet i continue to hopelessly search for it. what a futile feat that is!
what's happened with me? what have i become?
i guess it is because i am in the stage in my life where i am still trying to sort things that i think are more important. but isn't it also important to open the chances of finding the one that you could spend the rest of your life with?

lonely tourist

so my trip in seattle wasn't all too successful. i didn't pass the job interview for obvious reasons. well, i dont want to detail much on those. for aside from that, i managed well in the trip. i guess... i realized i was more prepared for the drive than for the interview itself. but then that could just be an excuse. hehehe.

well, what mattered more was that i made it through the interstate road and drove myself safely back to the airport. i still managed to pass through one of my life's challenges - driving, that is. :)

the day before i would leave for the philippines, i managed to visit a seattle landmark - the space needle. there wasn't much too see on top of it though since seattle isn't a big city compared to new york or even osaka in japan.

however, it's always nice to see the top view of the city around you. it gives you a different perspective of your surroundings. and at least i got to do one "tourist-y" thing during my short stay.

one thing i realized, travelling to a place for the first time is always fun and exciting. but travelling alone just makes things different and difficult. i used to think that travelling by yourself would make the trip more interesting. probably if you get to meet interesting people along the way, then that would be interesting. but if that doesn't happen, it is going to be one lonely trip.

here are some things that i realized when making that trip alone.

* there would be no one to guide you on the unfamiliar roads ahead. the tendency there is to be lost along the way, miss a lot of turns, and have a difficulty making your u-turns to get back on the road.

* when mishaps arise, or when you think you couldn't really handle all the pressure that comes your way, there would be no one you could just share your angsts with. i couldn't just come up to any stranger and start my conversation with "you know what, i really feel like crying...can you hug me? "

* when you feel like jumping with joy since you finally found a restaurant after hours of driving around looking for one, there's no one to share that happiness with, except for the guy on the counter after you've told your order.. you tell him your story. but you never could get the same reaction when you tell it to someone who actually feels what you've been through just looking for that restaurant. the most decent thing the guy on the counter could say is "Okay.. enjoy your lunch! would you like to add some drink for your meal?".

* it's always awkward to take pictures of you and the place you are visiting. well, i've seen other tourists stretching their arms as far as they could as they take pictures of themselves. i didn't want to look the way i've seen them. it would be better to just actually smile comfortably as your friend take a picture of you. well, i was just too shy to ask a stranger to take a picture of me. :) so how did i ever manage to take that one shot of me with the space needle? well.. thank God for camera timers as i sneaked to take that shot in the almost empty parking lot :)

* you wouldn't be as brave to venture more unfamiliar grounds, afraid of still getting lost along the way.

these are just a few of the cons i've learned when travelling alone. so if i get a chance again to travel to a new place, i'd do my bes to drag a friend with me or else i'd have to make a point to meet really interesting strangers (~_~).

in a snapshot

sometimes when there are just too many things going on in your life, you'd like to make them freeze a moment as you do your best to create a mental picture of what's going on and you jot it down in your journal. but then time doesn't stop for you, and when you were yet trying to be in touch with reality over something that happens unexpectedly, here goes another of life's big surprise. and it takes days for you to fathom it all.

life has just been too fast for me and yet too good for the past couple of days. at first i was drowning with project deadlines, the next i was taking leave for my visa interview in manila. i was expecting for a single visa entry, yet i was given the one with "M" for annotations and my visa would expire on 2010 yet. "Wow" would be an understatement over something that unexpected. i literally sat down outside the embassy's benches, paused for a moment and tried to check if i heard the consul right. well, i guess i did since i was holding that yellow piece of paper on my hand.

the thing that overwhelmed me more at that moment was not my upcoming trip to the u.s. but the realization that i may still have more trips to come. i can actually go there anytime now. well, that would be when u would have the money of course (for that i would have to look for yet).

i went back to cebu and try to focus myself with work stuff despite the excitement building up within me. i just can't abandon work that way. However, to my biggest surprise... work abandoned me. i was just caught off guard that i would be ending my week packing all my stuffs and go home jobless. i was too confused over what happened to internalize the wrong did to me. what i felt was a mix of frustration, anger and depression.

for days i thought i've lost it all. i saw my job as the one thing that i've been proud of myself. and there it was, robbed from me by a person who just enjoyed too much the little power that he has over his subordinates. how else would i feel?

the moment the people from my team and my other friends knew about the injustice done, support and encouragement just poured in endlessly. it was then i realized there was nothing wrong with what i did. if it takes to loose once job to defend friends, and stand on with what you believe is right, then i'd do it again.

so what's left of me now is my family, my real friends and a multiple entry visa to the u.s. and of course, my pending job interview coming next week. :)

that's why despite it all, i just couldn't complain. for what i have right now matters so much more.

some dream

have you ever dreamt of yourself being old and grey?

Well, last weekend, i just had that dream. i really saw myself just that : old and grey. i could still even see the dress i wore on that dream. it was a floral long dress that usually worn by a hypie old woman in the movie and i was half sitting in the couch at a house that would be where i'd be retiring.

in the dream, a young girl was with me in the room, sitting near the couch. i could not identify this girl. could she be a grand daughter? but when she asked me a question that i was fearing most to happen. i knew she was not any grand daughter of mine.

girl : why haven't you got married?

i didn't see myself thinking long and hard for the answer to this. i simply said in the most natural way possible,

"the right one just didn't came along."

well, this dream is really overwhelming. that's why i still think about it till now.

i don't even think of myself as someone who waits for the right one. but i wait for the right love, in the right time. i do not want to let a moment pass me by.

i hope this isn't some premonition of any sort. but what if it is going to happen? well, i couldn't help feel impressed at how well i said something that scares me now. there wasn't a hint of regret. i think that matters more.

lingerie talk

I was at the mall on the lingerie section when i can't help overhearing the conversation of three girls and a guy. The guy obviously didn't look like a boyfriend to any of the girls. I couldn't even brand him as a very close friend to any of them since they were no joking around as the girls browse through the sexy lacy undergarments while the guy trying to keep his distance. I bet he didn't want to look like someone who would ogle infront of the sexy underwears with the girls around. but that's such a perverted thing to do.

en tous cas, here's what i was able to overhear. (they were talking in cebuano, so what i have here is just a translation)

girl 1: wow, nice (refering to a sexy lacy underwear)

girl 2: hmm.. i like this better. it's sexier

girl 3: what about you(facing their guy friend), which panty would turn you on?

hearing this, i got nearer to them. i was curious what the guy would say. not that he was interesting looking enough for me to want to hear his opinion. but i don't go ask my guy friends which underwear would turn them on! so, i was curious as to how the guy would react.

well, the guy didn't say anything. he just gave an indifferent look. all i could conclude from the guy was that he probably was just too awkward to say his preference, or the girl who asked was simply not his type.

but the guy's indifference didn't stop the girl. she continually prodded for an answer.

girl 3: what about this? ... this one?

but since the guy was still indifferent, she managed to conclude ...

girl 3: OMG, nothing turns you on? girls, nothing turns him on!

the guy was probably just trying act like a gentleman with them, or simply he just don't care at all. and because of that he is branded as Gay! (poor guy)

now, this makes me wonder. what would make a girl ask a guy friend for his opinion on sexy lingerie? and what would make her insist on it?

1. she likes the guy friend and wonders what undergarment would turn him on. then later, she'd show up at the guy's apartment with only the underwear on
2. she was just looking for a guy's opinion for a later sexy escapade with some other guy
3. she would feel sexy within her knowing that what she's wearing underneath her clothes could turn on some guy

hmm.. why do all the reasons i could think of has something in common?

work babble

i don't usually blab about my work but it seems i'm getting too edgy today and my blood pressure might soar high if i won't let this out.

i have a strange feeling that i'm suffering a hypertension from the slow network connection in connecting to my "repository tool 1" (i can't name names here). but the problem is not with the connection, but with tool itself. it's not the best repository tool for server databases situated million miles from its client. that is why "repository tool 2" (i still can't name names here) is created for this purpose! That's what i should be using in the first place! but it seems that my requested license is taking ages to arrive and i can't just use anything unlicensed at all. Now, i would just have to deal with sweaty palms, raised heart beats, and a head ache with every attempt to check-in or check-out my work files. i'm struggling for the network connection to work faster like i'm struggling for air between my short breaths. is this even hypertension or it's a mild heart attack already? i think i need help. e.r.u.f.!

alone-ness

last saturday afternoon, i was in the hospital to get myself checked since my cough just won't get away. I had the longest minutes spent being conscious with my own breathing when I had the mask from the nebulizer on my face. and in those slow minutes I realized how sad it is to bring yourself to the hospital.

another friend of mine had her moment too when she went to the hospital to take a tetanus toxoid shot. according to her, she would have died peacefully in her sleep had she just stayed home that friday night. well, she was just traumatized with her near-death experience when she got assaulted.

while the other friend was slowly unpacking her stuff in her new apartment. i'm sure she wasn't used to moving places with no one to help her out. (it's in situations like this where boyfriends are most useful). she was alone in a twin size bed with just a pillow beside her in the new apartment that night.

well, all three of us felt an overwhelming sense of "alone-ness" inside. and there's nothing else that we could grip on but our strong sense of independence.

cold thoughts

i am down with coughs and colds for four days now. when i talked to my sister on the phone just a while ago, she insisted that i must go see a doctor. well, i almost did, last night. since i had a difficulty sleeping at 2 am with the dry cough and all the vomiting (excuse me), i thought of dragging myself to the hospital. but didn't, cause i was just too tired and too sick to even do that. and it was raining outside.

it's difficult to be sick, worse, be sick and be alone at the same time. there's no one to give that immidiate help that you need, like buying medicines in case you don't have any in the middle of the night. at moments like these, i could always here a statement made by a housemate at pinoy big brother (yes, i'm hooked at it too) at the back of my head, "akala ko kaya kong mag-isa, pero mahirap pala". so true. *hachoo!*

it is difficult to be alone. but there are just times where you just need to stand on your own feet. there are moments where being alone is not a choice. it's something fate brings on your lap for you to deal with instead of succumb to the "what-if(there's someone)'s".

there are just things that you've got to do, whether you're sick or alone or both. so despite my condition, i managed to wake up at 6:30 in the morning (for two days now) to prepare myself for my early driving lessons. i chose to take my classes in the morning where i'm still stress free from office work. i had to concentrate to what my instructor had to tell me in between my sneezing and controlled coughing. after driving class, i go directly to the office and just bury myself with the piled work that i was delaying in the past weeks. and later, i have to proceed to my french class. whew. busy days. but i'm thankful for them for they make me forget that i am even alone while getting through all these.

i know i am not helping myself. this flu would just get worse if i don't take a leave and rest. i might even let someone else in the office catch my virus. people around me are already pushing me to take a leave. no wonder "in sickness and in health" is a statement that doesn't work with friends.

so, rest i must.

luv advice

i have a friend who needed a joe d' mango kind of advice on unrequitted love. he's basically lost strength to live. and when you see someone close to you be on that state, the least you could do is try hard to lift him up a little, and lead him the way to the window of hope.

i opened up his dilemma to nats and ri. and here's what they came up with:

ri:
tell him he's hopeless, better jump off from the rooftop of E-Office One (whose purpose is not to kill, but divert his attention to his broken arms, broken legs, broken face... and not on his broken heart)

nats:
1. there are other fishes in the ocean
2. life goes on, this too shall pass
3. she/he isn't good enough for you
4. God will give you the right person at the right time
5. let's go get drunk

:)

I-5 North

if you were given a chance to drive in an interstate road, and never had a good driving experience, would you do it?

if you knew the little (almost non-existent) experience that i have in driving a car, and knowing me, you'd definitely shake your head in disapprovement. however, the impulsive me would definitely go plunge into that experience. i could already see myself grasping on to the steering wheel for dear life, in between shreaks. i'd probably be the loudest driver there is, but still i'd go for the challenge. but, when the reasonable part of me takes over my impulsive self, i'd get overly worried and try to look for ways to get out of the challenge ahead. and if i am lucky, i'd get out of it and keep myself safe. if not, all i could do is say my prayers and get through it all.

this is how i face my life challenges. it is a battle between the impulsive side of me, and that overly reasonable side. at times, it pays to be impulsive for you learn to trust your instinct and save you some (if not, lots) of that wrinkle lines. and each experience becomes pretty exciting. however, it also pays to be reasonable. it saves you from unexpected fall that could have been caused if you were not too cautious.

but the thing here is you have to learn how to balance your decision making. you have to know when to be impulsive and when to be reasonable. if you don't, it's either you would miss a lot in life, or commit lots of stupid mistakes. and you cannot just afford to be falling into both.

i know i can drive in an interstate road even if the only driving experience i had was just that 10 hours at the driving school a year ago. call that over-confidence! hehe! but reality dawned me almost too late. there's that big caution sign flashing right in front of me, that it's so hard to neglect. so this time, the reasonable self won over. i am taking the taxi instead.

a day at a time

it has been a while since i've had this much anticipation within me. i greet each day with sweaty palms, heart pumping faster, and a forced smile. i have always been like this. when there's something ahead of me that i can't quite figure out, i wouldn't stop to be worried about it. i know i just have to feel relaxed.

breathe in. breathe out.

i worry about my future. i wonder what it's like not to? would i get the job i've dreamt to have? would i be able to go to places that i've dreamt about going in my entire life? would there be someone whose heart beats only for me? where would i see him? where would we live? then i close my eyes and paint vivid pictures as answers to all these questions.

sigh.

then the what-ifs come. what if not? that's when i start to worry. but after a what-seemed unending worries about my what-ifs, i say to myself, "one day at a time". yes, i'll just have to try to live one day at a time.

and that's when i start to smile.

lately

Lately .....
i haven't had the time to blog
(probably busy)

Lately ...
i have been planning to move to another place
(again, for the nth time)

Lately ...
i have been eating a lot
(can't stop the food binge)

Lately ...
i have had a big smile on my face
(and more than enough reasons to keep it there)

Lately ...

alegreha sa alegria

i just had a fun-filled weekend with some officemates. we went on an out of town trip in alegria, a town south of cebu. Below are pictures that tells more of the place's beauty and the fun that i had, than i could describe in words.

**********

the breathtaking sunset

the huge swimming pool.

we had it all to ourselves during the stay.

the beach line at high tide.
not to mention the fish sanctuary and corals underneath.

the encounter of the sea snake

but, it was the people that i was with

that made the whole experience worth remembering

tuesdays

tuesday is the day of the week where i finally get my pace back on work. (for mondays are spent reading the emails you missed over the weekend and recalling what you have left off on the previous week).

tuesdays are when i realize i am busy, and i don't want to be busy yet, but i just can not be not busy.

tuesdays are when most of the meetings with management come up.

tuesdays are when i used to have my french classes, but not anymore.

tuesdays are when you are least likely to have a night out with friends over a glass of cocktails.

and this tuesday is when i have to play smart and intelligent for a few hours since i will be attending a dinner meeting with my company's senior vice president. (i just hope they have enough cocktails to serve).

tuesday, for me, is the best named day of the week, but not the best day at all.

:(

forgetful me

There was this song that i kept singing yesterday. But it has nothing to do with the Last-song Syndrome. I cannot remember where and when i have heard the song that day or the other day, but all of a sudden i was just singing it and i had a hard time to stop thinking about it.

When i keep on singing a certain song again and again, that's only when the lyrics would hit me. and i swear the coincidence of yesterday's song lyrics was that it was the song for me at this period in my life. so i told myself to look up the song's lyrics on the internet once i get the chance to. unfortunately, i never did. cause now, i can't remember the song. no matter how hard i think, i just can not remember it. nada. not a trace!

have you ever had that experience?

actually, this is nothing new to me. similar situations have happened a thousand times. when i was a student, i forget exams, appointments, engagements, and what else? i even forgot once to wear my bra and i was in school already when i realized it! it was soooo embarrassing! i got overly-conscious the whole day. Good thing that never happened again! whew!

house keys? well, i just had tons of incidents in the past on having myself locked-out for leaving the house keys inside my room. so now, it has become a habit for me to check for my keys before leaving my room. it would be the same question as 'did i wear my bra right now or not?'. although i do always ask myself this kind of questions, there are still times i mess it up. (i am talking about the keys here now).

well, there are also times that i would go at one place, and once i get there, i'd totally forget what i was supposed to do there. on those instances, i retrack to where i was and try to be more conscious in going to where i was supposed to be and with pure luck, i'd remember what i was supposed to do there.

then there was this incident last monday when an officemate of mine told me that he forgot to bring a hundred bucks.

"what for?", i asked.

"to pay you."

"what for?", i asked again.

"you can't remember? last friday?"

was i supposed to remember something? did he owe me money?

"did you owe me money? when?", i tried to recall it, but i just can't.

"oh, it was when we had those drinks, right?", i smiled for finally recalling it.

"oh my, you can't really remember, do you?", the jerk is laughing now.

oh please, brain! help me out here! that was all i could say to myself. there i was, struggling to remember when did i ever gave him a hundred bucks that day. i was like seated in front of my monitor for about like five minutes just trying to recall that incident, three days ago. but i just can't remember. so, i asked somebody else from the office who might remember that incident. and lo and behold, the person that i asked actually remembered me giving that guy a hundred bucks. and i could still not recall it.

okay, call that short-term memory or a mild case of alzheimers?

well, after another ten minutes of carefully accounting the events on that day, i remembered that i indeed lent that guy a hundred bucks. so whenever i bumped into him at the office after that, i would remind him now of the hundred bucks he owed me :)

oh well!

but sometimes, being forgetful has also its advantage. you can select what you want to remember, and easily disregard from your memory the things you don't want to be retained. okay, not really easily, but you can. when i watched the movie 'eternal sunshine of a spotless mind', i wished the device they used to erase a certain part of your mind were true. when you've been hurt a lot in your past, you just can't help to wish that you could erase it. but now, i think i have learned to do something similar, thanks to my easily forgetful mind.

sometimes, i can't remember how it was to be in love. i can't remember how it was to be betrayed. i can't remember how it was to be hurt as i was hurting. i can't remember how it was to loose some of your dignity. i know it's not normal. but i think i've just learned to balance out the things i'd like to remember. and what had happened within the past three or four years, all good and bad, i could barely recall.

and there's a good term for that. selective amnesia.

loosed ends

i am having a terrible headache.

it's because some things didn't work the way i wanted them to. and i had been so troubled about it the whole day that i totally lost my cool. i was already imagining throwing my monitor outside the window and banging my chair on the wall (yeah, i do have those tendencies).

instead, i let out my frustrations to my friends. it was a good thing. but, they are also mean. they just laughed at me and told me i am getting menopausal. it was just the worst thing i've ever heard. but on the other hand, i guess i needed that.

and no, i am not menopausal. i am just getting too stiff.

i need to loosen up a bit.

sleep-deprived

i just got back from my parent's place, and it seemed i could never get enough sleep. zzzzzzz....

oh!

i always never get enough sleep when i get home. i try to squeeze time surfing the internet at night, and sleeping at daytime is always a failure. the more people around, the less sleep i will ever get. of course unless everyone's asleep too. but then, that's the time i am most awake. that's how sleep-deprived i am.

i wonder how it would be to not sleep at all..for six straight days. it has led mariah carrey to the mental ward (that was what the rumor said). hmm, what are the chances i'd end up the way she did if those rumors were true?

a dreary night

i wondered about the moon that night
why its arms escaped to embrace me
i so much wanted to be taken away
deep into that endless dark sky

je veux seulemant oublier
le soir j'etais avec toi

but how can one forget
when the stars eluded me
and the moon lost its beam
twas all a passionless night

qu'a-t-il l'amour est devenu
déjà j'ai perdu son sens

not your gentlest touch
nor your fiery kiss
not even your cold embrace
can make it all come back

just madness

i go about
these lonely streets
searching
longing
for that familiar
embrace

i go about
these lonely streets
longing
loosing
the sanity that is
left of me

i go about
these lonely streets
loosing
crying
for the madness
that i am

word for the day - "twisted"

work is stressful today. and there are twisted officemates you have to deal with. worse, twisted friends also try to enter in the picture.

i don't want to complain about life. i am grateful about a lot of things actually, and twisted situations may be, i know they serve some purpose. hopefully, they'd straighten a once twisted mind.

tomorrow, i'll be off to visit my parent's place. a reunion is scheduled this sunday, and that means a day at the beach. hmm.. a perfect spot to unwind, enjoy a good sunset, and practice what i've learned about photography.

you see, i am at the point of selling my digital camera. a friend advised me not to. but i don't see its purpose other than the occasional family events, or camp outs with friends. but that's been rare these days. but the point really is, i don't take good pictures. most are just tasteless shots. a weak attempt at photography.

but then, i've decided to do something about it. i am trying to see an open window. so, i tried to review about photography basics and hoping to remeber all of them. and i can't wait to put my hands on it.

so this is a typical day. no work done at all. and i am supposed to be an advocate of proper work ethics.

jeez.

i don't wanna be lonely

my major emotions for the week: loniless and depression. not that i am really keeping track. but when everything around you is just as gloomy as this week's weather, it's really not that easy to neglect.

but then, i know it is not just this week. i think i have been lonely and depressed most of my life. but don't get me wrong here. i have a great family and wonderful friends. it's not the outside forces that is making me lonely. i think it seems rooted inside me.

i remembered a year in highschool when a teacher asked us to write an essay. it was the first one we had to make for that school year, and my essay was titled "When Depression Strikes". i can't forget that essay title. but then, i can't remember why i chose that topic either. i even had no idea then what the whole world was out there, living a quite sheltered life that i had, but i've already felt that! i remembered too picking out my favorite "break-up" songs, and singing them to my heart's content long before i got into my first relationship. and when i had my actual break-ups, i drowned myself in them. i remembered having a friend complain of reading my very lonely letters. i must have dragged him into my depression. (oh, poor guy!)

i think that i feel lonely more often because i choose to linger on this feeling. i kept asking myself "why am i like this?". but then you realize, you are not the only one who's lonely, empty, void, and depressed in this world. confessions on loneliness starts to fly into your lap out from nowhere. loneliness doesn't exist only in the songs i listen to, in the movies i watch, nor in the books i read. it's as real as the people i know.

i know eternal happy people would be shaking their heads while reading this, either of disbelief or pity. but they might agree if i say that loneliness could be just a choice. but in reality, it isn't much of a choice. really.

let's say people are lonely because they choose to be lonely. okay. but if there are so many lonely people in this world, does that mean that many people would rather be lonely, than be happy? it just doesn't sound right, right? why do we want to be lonely and feel all these sh*t inside us? who on their sane mind would want that? well, i am not an exception to this question. (so maybe i am not sane, but that's not the topic here).

is it just easier to be lonely, than to be happy? (warning to eternally happy people: keep your head-shakes to yourself). is it because loneliness seems more real an emotion than happiness is? is loneliness really more tangible? is it easier to be unlovable, than to feel loved at all?

or, is it because happiness is such a complicated emotion? so difficult to achieve, and yet, the easiest to fake. i say there are two kinds of happiness: one that's true, and one that's artificial. true and deep happiness is always a rare find. so much sacrifice. so much selflessness. but in the end, it's all so worth it. however, there is a large supply of artificial happiness in this world. it can be bought anywhere, anytime. it's so easy to have it at any cost you wish. but the more you acquire of this temporary happiness, the more hollow you become. and there's nowhere you are going, but to lonely-pitdom.

if it takes a camel to fit in a needle's eye to be truly happy, no wonder there are many people who lingers into the big pool of loneliness. i think i maybe even leisurely floating on that too, despite the occasional ropes that falls into my hands, wishing i'd one time have enough courage to pull it and have it get me out of where i am right now.

but many people also act the way i do, floating on this same pool. and why is that? well, maybe because this place has transformed into a big comfort zone for them. maybe because they even made friends in that same pool and are starting to enjoy each other's company (and are probably even dancing to the song "i don't wanna be lonely"). or maybe they are just too afraid to even try to think of getting out of it. or maybe because they once did try to grab that occasional rope, but when they were almost sure to get on the other side, they were only pushed back into the dark pit, by someone whom they thought was eternally happy, but was just actually faking it. and all their efforts became futile.

as for me, i too had my happy moments. i too had felt that peace. i too had felt loved. it doesn't mean that since i am at this mood, i will always be here for the rest of my life. i am just biding my time, with no intentions to drag anyone with me, of course. i am not sunk deep into that pool. as i said, i am just leisurely floating on it.

parlez-vous français?

"Salut! ca va? ca va bien, merci. et toi? tres bien, merci. parlons français."

i went to turtle's nest for my weekly french classes yesterday.and unexpectedly, i was greeted by my french professeur with an unusually big smile and a funny face. was he wasted or what? he walked drunk, smiled drunk, smelled drunk. Need i still ask? he was indeed wasted! to confirm that he wasn't in some kind of act, he asked for the bottle of the remaining whisky and a glass as he got himself seated for our lessons.

okay, this shouldn't be a frightening situation. though, it's a really awkward one. So, i gave my teacher a weak smile. i remembered classmates attending class in the university who were drunk. but a drunk teacher in class? That just never crossed my mind. yesterday's class was quite an experience. i thought classes would be cancelled since he definitely couldn't think straight with his current situation. but he insisted on having the class, so we did!

we had to control ourselves not to burst out laughing most of the time. the first few minutes of it was really hilarious. my teacher was speaking french incessantly, that it was difficult to keep up. until he had to stop as he saw our confused faces while keeping ourselves from laughing (we were afraid we might offend him). how on earth would you know when a drunk person is serious?

a good thing though, in the middle of our class, his brother and a friend joined us. so we now have three different kinds of french guys: a french-french (my teacher who had stayed so long here in cebu and could now speak fluent cebuano dialect),an english-french(his brother who insisted that he is english and is also french), and an american-french(his friend, who happened to be seeing a good friend of mine). well, with those three guys around, we had one lively french class.

tout le monde s'amusait!

*****

mon professeur m'a demande de poster ceci:

"FRENCH, 100PHP/HR, 2341982" (cebu)

voulez vous parler français? so if you like to learn french and is currently in cebu, call this number.

love letters for david

telling you my heart's desire
is the struggle i fight each day
yet it seems a day is incomplete
if i can't pen my thoughts today

searching for the perfect notes
that befits my mind's content
scaling through a potpourri of words
is dragging me to a psychotropic bent

the silent cries that remained unheard
those elusive tears i've kept from falling
even euphoric signals running through my veins
the odds and ends i bind to keep from loosing

yet i endure this unsung madness with words
for i cannot leave a troubled heart undeciphered
so meticulously, i picked words amongst some others
and surprisingly, my thoughts have slowly uncluttered

and now my only wish for you, my dear david
that as my whims, through words, starts to unfold
and once you chance upon this scented sheet
let your heart's sentiments be told

tugged at the heart

10-9-8-7-4-3-1.

these are not today's lottery winning numbers, rather these are the ages of my nephews and nieces.

i was visiting my parents' place last weekend. with the presence of my little nieces and nephews in the house, the place is transformed into a quite opposite dwelling, compared to how it was then while i was growing up. these bambinis and bambinos just effortlessly turns the house upside down, and cause havoc at almost all its corners. seven kids are running about the house, with an accompanying orchestra of squeals and cries, one after the other, almost at every hour. it's really quite a scene observing them as they go about their daily adventures. now, i could relate to the movie, Cheaper by the dozen. :)

on last weekend's visit, i told my "pamangkins" that we'd make some pastillas de leche. Early saturday morning, they were already bugging me with buying the ingredients.

"Auntie, gising na. di ba gawa tayo ng pastillas today?" (It's still 9 in the morning! Tulog pa ako. Later, ok?)

After lunch.

"Auntie, di ba sabi mo gawa tayo ng pastillas?" (Wala pa tayong ingredients.)

After two hours later.

"Auntie, sige na bili na tayo ng ingredients. Ano ba ang ingredients ng pastillas?". And a younger one asks. "Ano ibig sabihin ng ingredients, Auntie?"

On our way home, from the city.

"Auntie, punta pa tayo sa mall para bili ng ingredients." And the others chorused, "Oo, auntie, bili pa tayo ng ingredients."

they didn't stop until i finally got to buy it (of course, with them excitedly tugging at my back inside the grocery store).

Then, together with the older ones (those from aged 7 up), we went to my cousin's place and did the pastillas over there. i could only manage up to four kids. at least they're at the stage where you could reason with them already. but still they are a handful. After a broken glass, a table covered with powdered milk all over (some even reaching the floor), and four hours later, the five of us managed to create the pastillas and had our fill of the sweets. it was such a feat to have 8 little hands work with you. but it was all worth it by just looking at them gather about you and actually listening to your instructions.

everytime i go home, i always do my best to be the good aunt. and being the aunt that they rarely see, it's always a heart-warming scene each time i see them. i beam at their big smiles, warm hugs and sweet kisses. well, that's one part i always look forward. kids will always be kids, despite how much hurly burly they cause at home, they too could be just the sweetest :)

having my "pamangkins" around, it makes me not want to have kids of my own yet. there are already so many kids at home, so why add to that :) but when i go back to cebu, i can't help but miss all of them. and seeing my brothers and sisters hover about them, makes me wish that i too have my own.... BUT, Wait. that's kinda scary. it's only a feeling. i'm not ready yet. he-he-he.

I always treasure my time with my nephews and nieces. And when i feel kinda homesick, and have some "maternal instinct" kick inside me, i'd just pack my things and head home. cause for now, that's where my heart is :)

a short fairy tale

i got a forwarded email from a friend about the shortest fairy tale.

********

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
She said, "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after.

********

And i couldn't help but comment on it, I think i have a better version.

********

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
She said, "Yes."
And after a few days, the guy changed his mind.
And the girl lived happily ever after.

********

my friends couldn't agree more :-)

i had rather

i had rather you drown me in the river
than leave me hanging on this cliff

i had rather you push me off the bridge
than leave me in the middle of the highway

i had rather you take me out to the vast desert
than leave me drenched in the cold rain

i had rather you crash the whole world on me
than burden me with a life without you

i had rather you cut out all of my heart
than let you in and simply leave it empty

i had rather you hurt and leave me
than fade away like you did

take me away

take me away
drift me far
i want to flee
i long to fade

be rather somewhere
than be stuck in here
that's almost a home
but could never be

spin me around
bang me to the walls
crash me in all its corners
do not let me be still

a heart crumbling to numbness
hollow and empty thoughts
deafening silence in my ears
these are all what's left of me

so please take me away
just drift me far
i so much want to flee
i so long to fade