three-oh

i can't believe sometimes that i've hit the big three-O.. and yes, writing the number sometimes still gives me the creeps, though i am not denying it at all (contradicting?). sometimes, i just don't feel like i'm really at this age, because i used to think that once a person hits thirty, that's the start of a lifetime where you get to be really old, act old, and be like mature on everything. *roll eyes* okay, so i'm talking like i'm sixteen, but seriously, i don't feel i got older at all! :)

i remember asking friends older than me, what it feels like to be thirty each time one hits that age. i think it's an age where something phenomenal inside of you should happen - like probably a deeper consciousness that you're not young anymore? and that you should radically need to do something about that. but then, you see your friends not changing a bit, and they still act the same way as they were and you realize, your old theories about being thirty must be wrong. so i guess that's why i didn't see any drastic changes in my friends when they started hitting thirty... well, except their marital status.

when i agreed with the three weeks of work in our cambridge office, i didn't realize that my birthday would fall on the duration of the stay. when it hit me that i will still be on my business trip during my birthday, i thought i would be able to finally feel what it's like to celebrate a birthday on my own, not that i am looking forward to that at all. but you know, just out of curiosity, how deep could one fall into depression when that happens? there goes the masochist in me again, basking on those negative feelings. but well, it was simply out of curiosity if i would survive it or not.

i've probably written about this before that birthdays are a big deal to me, not in a way where i should throw a big bash or something of that sort. but it has always been a big deal for me, emotionally. i find myself often more anxious when my birthday comes. and to fight off any signs of depression, i start to list down the things that i should be thankful for instead, and that always manage to lift me up and enjoy the rest of the day. but you see, i could not recall when i wasn't anxious each time my birthday is approaching, and i am talking about since i was probably only just twelve! .. and now is indeed an exception.

could it be that i was just so busy with my crazy work? or that i am away from all my loved ones - my honey, family and friends - that there's really nothing to expect much on that day rather than treat it as any other day. there's no big deal about that. or, in a more serious note, could it be that i finally got tired of all my anxiety issues on my birthdays? and could this be the phenominal change that i've expected to happen - that i've gotten over my anxiety issues.. aha! so, my theories were probably right after all.. but that they are only applicable to me. :(

anyways, could it be that i am simply happy and content right now that i no longer put a pressure on the milestone that i have to make each time i celebrate my birthday. and that feels so much better. why hadn't i realized this before? it surely would have saved me a lot of worry lines.

so, when you really have lesser worries in life, things would just fall simply right into its place. in short, my birthday turned out to be one great day after all, despite being away from your loved ones. my colleagues in cambridge moved the usual friday lunch to a thursday lunch so that i will be able to have lunch with everyone just before i leave. then they all surprised me with a cake (which never happened the whole nine years in this career life), thanks to skype for broadcasting my birthday to my contact list :D then my old roomie in singapore treated me to a good seafood dinner where we feasted on lobsters, shells, mussels, oysters and shrimp (remembering the great food makes me hungry all over again even if i just had my lunch). and i get to celebrate my birthday for 37 hours because my honey and other friends started sending their greetings based on GMT+8 timezone which is 13 hours ahead of eastern time. so, how cool is that? :)

there's really nothing to dread hitting the big three-O after all, but rather you get to have more reasons to celebrate life.. and for this may God be praised! yey!
:)

south african experience

I'm back, Pretoria.

There were several reasons that got me excited for my second trip to South Africa. One is, we're book to stay at the Sheraton Hotel, which is probably one of the fanciest hotels i've stayed so far - and free of charge. Plus, i get to have a very good view from my window - The Union Buildings.



The other obvious reason is that i have a wide angle lens which i just bought two months ago that will come very, very useful for my new found hobby. Then for more personal reasons, the trip would be an escape to the emotional mess i have once again put myself into, and this trip will be my breathe of fresh air.

before i give the wrong impression, i'm not back to south africa for a personal trip (as i can't afford this kind of fancy trips... yet) .. it's a business trip, which my boss effortlessly planned when i was supposed to apply for a leave. but of course, i'm not complaining. at least, when i'm working close with the client, i get to focus more on my work, and the progress i need to achieve. and so far, i'm on track with that.

so, i packed my stuffs and made sure i have my camera and all the other accessories i've brought for it in a shopping madness for that temporary retail fix (the kind where you just close your eyes as you swipe your credit card from one purchase, to another, and say to yourself.. "heck, i deserve this" in the most convincing way). besides, it's my new hobby, and people do invest in their hobbies... right?

the other thing that got me excited was when i was on board the plane to johannesburg, i saw several really pretty, tall, and very sophisticated ladies on board - me included (except the tall part.. hirit pa gyud :p) .. when we landed to jo'burg, the big sign "Miss world 2008 Johannesburg" just greeted us, and that explains the other sophisticated ladies on board. Basically, they were miss australia, miss japan, miss vietnam (by the costume), and two others whom i did not get to check to what countries they were from. hayy, lahi ra gyud ang dating basta pang beauty queen. they just have this distinct way to carry themselves, and i was just awed how thin these women were.

we arrived at the hotel four hours earlier than the expected check-in time. and instead of requesting for an early check-in, my colleague and i decided to treat ourselves with the very delicious south african food we can get in the shopping center where i really liked, during the first visit. we left our luggages and laptop at the hotel, and i brought my camera, iphone, all credit cards, passport, and all cash i had, with me. after the sumptuous lunch, we decided to do some grocery shopping for toiletries.

the huge grocery store really amazed us and we found a lot of goodies that we could not get in singapore. they simply have more choices when it comes to shampoo, lotion, drinks, junk foods, that we got a bit hyped up with our grocery shopping.

then it happened.

i put my bag on top of the shopping cart since my camera was getting a bit heavy. the shopping cart was never out of my sight as i know south africa is known to be unsafe. well, when you are so used with living in a place like singapore, or maybe japan, you simply slack on looking after your stuffs. so, with me standing just beside my shopping cart, and bending down as i returned an item on the bottom rack, i heard a thud. then as i looked up, i saw my groceries disarranged. then about a second later, i realized that i was just ROBBED!

yes, i was robbed and my camera now is gone, my nikon d70 with a 17-50mm f2.8 tamron lense, my iphone, my money, my credit cards, my PASSPORT, my employment pass in singapore is gone. i was screaming for security, but my GOOLY-MAMA .. everyone was acting like nothing happened!! the security did not alert anybody, people were just standing looking at this crazy asian shouting "i got robbed! i got robbed!! somebody help me!! ... my passport!!" (yes, i was amazed that i still was fluently speaking in english when this shocking incident happened). the security of the place was really unbelievably poor, that i bet, if i was robbed in a shopping mall in cebu and reacted the way i did, security would have acted on it faster. i have to even scream for the store's manager since nobody was really helping me. i demanded for the store to show me their surveillance videos, but they could not. i did not know if i would be hysterical over the loss of my stuffs, or the incompetence of the security of the place.

but then, i had to calm down to be able to act reasonably over the very unfortunate thing that happened. i know that screaming at anyone, or blaming the poor security of the place will not get my things back. the only thing that i could do was go to a police station and file a report, put evidence on what just happened in order to have support as i try to get my travel documents back. it was a first-time experience for me to get robbed, and another first time to visit a police station. good thing i was still able to compose myself and do the things i needed to do over the bad incident.

i went home to the hotel, settled the rest of my stuffs,and called our travel insurance company, which was very, very helpful (makes you realize how insurance companies are very useful for situations like this). as i tucked myself in bed that night, i tried to absorb all the things that just happened in one day.

i closed my eyes telling myself to still be thankful that i was not harmed over the incident. despite it all, i still think that the whole thing was a humbling and a learning experience for me. and if i plan to travel more in the future, i know i should be more cautious and learn more about the place to which i am traveling to. i am just lucky that i'll be staying for a month here, and i have more time to settle my travel documents. another blessing is that there is a Philippine Embassy just right here in Pretoria, and they were able to issue me a new passport in a week's time.

i've been here for less than two weeks yet, and so far, i have recovered well over the incident. i have come to accept that some things just come and go in your life, and we should not be too attached over material things, most specially, as they can be replaced. and your safety is still the most important thing over material possesions. though i had to comfort myself, on my own as i am far away from my family and friends, i am just glad that the people you need the most are just a phone away, or email away, or skype away, or ym away.. and the electronic hug is far better than none. i am also glad that my company was really very helpful and supportive too, that i am having second thoughts of leaving this job.. LOL. see, i get to smile over adversity, but then, that's me.

last weekend, i bought myself a new camera, the cheapest point and shoot i can find here (this is not singapore so gadgets aren't as cheap, and you don't have too many choices at all). it would be such a shame if we could not take any pictures from this trip, because despite the horrible thing that happened, south africa is still a beautiful country. And, i will enjoy the rest of my stay here. good thing, my boss was kind enough to say we should really enjoy our stay here by taking any of the day tours the hotel has. that way, we get to see more of the city and have our weekends filled. whatever tour we take daw, sagot na daw nila..

so, johannesburg, here i come!

moral of the story

the eternal lesson that i have to learn ...

"Never Leave Your Heart Alone" - Butterfly Boucher (Grey's Anatomy)

And it's open
For distraction
You found all the words you need
Well I found nothing
I just grumble
'cause I don't know what I feel

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
Never leave your heart... alone

Run for shelter
An umbrella
Fights the rain but not the wind
And I'd be silly
To start preaching
'cause I don't know which point to make!

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up
With cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
...Never leave your heart... alone

Am I frozen?
But it's summer!
Is that rain or is that me?
Yes I'm melting
Please be happy
One day soon
We might just swim

The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up with cold cold ice
Never leave your heart
....Never leave your heart
.... Never leave your heart alone

my little drama

there were several times that i have been so tempted to just delete this blog for many reasons. it's been four years that i have been ranting my heart out, and sometimes, disclosure wears you out too.
but it's just one of those habits that is difficult to kick out of you. it's a feeble attempt to keep my thoughts organized...they really have this tendency to get wild, y'know.

but then, i've been mum the past months. not only was i preoccupied with my ever-challenging work, but my life's little drama was quite difficult to keep up. i do not want to get into a teleserye mode, but i had to say that in those short months, i had to deal with loosing love, loosing a friend, and almost loosing myself.

i do get tired picking myself up each time i mess up. and yes, i had (emphasis on the past tense) entangled myself with another kind of mess. this time, it was the not-in-my-life-time-i-can-imagine kind. i had my friends' literally pop their eyes out in disbelief when i spilled the news. this explains the recent chronic restlessness - i was simply panicking for the nearest fire exit.

one of the realizations that hit me though is that .. am i not too old to keep running away? haven't i had been through enough hard times that i have not learned to face my problems, head on? why do i always see my life as something that's difficult to live? a friend asked, why do i invite misery in? the only answer i could think of at that instant was.. because i love basking in the pain? (i had to mentally give myself a big slap on the face to make me realize what i had just said)

seriously, i should have realized by now that i am all geared up to fight my weaknesses.

i have:
* my heart (the one who is always putting me in to trouble can also be a good weapon)
* my head (yes, i realize that logic has to be a part in these kinds of troubles)
and
* my faith (it's time i admit i'm no superwoman, i can't do this on my own. besides, my heart and head is nothing without my God)

... and of course, i have an army behind me, and they are my friends who patiently listened to my rants and rambles and whines and all other synonymous words you can think of. the more i get into trouble, the more i realize who my true friends are ... they are always the ones who are ready to share a bit of their strengths to keep my head up.. so, i'm shouting my thanks to all of you.

now, i need time to heal and forgive myself and i do not have to go anywhere this weekend to do that. besides, i have saved the next two weekends for two out-of-country trips already, so i do not mind staying put this time :D (OA na pag three consecutive weekends nako maglaag :X) ..

so what do i have to do to keep myself occupied tomorrow? the options are open to shopping, shopping and more shopping :D ... kidding! seriously, i do not mind if there's no specific plans. i do not have to be restless anymore. what matters is the peace that i am inviting in :)

i still do deserve to bask in sunshine, right?

(thank you Lord, i can't believe the number of second chances you are giving me)

a new world for me

what's with this world today
it is spinning in the opposite direction
my hands are trembling
cause i can not find my core, no
i can not find my core

what's with my world today
i am guided to the opposite direction
someone's holding my hand
and it feels like home, yes
it does feel like home

what's up with the world today
blowing kisses in all directions
butterflies in my hands
all these will just fade, indeed
all these will fade

this new world
it's not for me
you're not for me

bubbly over hearts day

ever since i've broken off the last string of attachment, i've tried to change tunes in my iPod. however, in the wee hours of the hearts day, i couldn't help but miss the old familiar tunes of colbie caillat and corinne bailey rae that i've grown to love the past months. probably because there's so much in the lyrics of their songs that hit me at the right spot these days.

the past days, i've been trying to ignore people who are just making a big fuss about the upcoming hearts day. this week, two friends have cried out to me the words i have been deaf to... 'i so want to fall in love'..

well, before you think i've gone cold or bitter about romantic love.. i do want to fall in love still... and i'm still on search for my greatest love ever.. however, i simply don't feel the need to be in love right now. let's say i've just had enough of falling in and out of love the past year, that i want to celebrate my being single this hearts day. i'm already so full of how things are going on with my life right now, how should that not be enough?

i just wonder how we got to make being single on the hearts day sound so pathetic? must be all the commercialism .. but really, come to think of it.. there's nothing desperate or pathetic about that. to recall my past celebrations of the hearts day, not a bouquet of red roses, or a box of chocolates could beat the best hearts day that i had.. where ri, nats and i, tried to roam around manila to look for a great place to have dinner.. we were two blocks away from the bombing of a bus near sm makati mrt station.. we walked down a stairway filled with candle lights, and entered a hotel lobby (was it at manila pen??), filled with couples on their romantic dates, as we were in our most bitter single selves.. (just imagine what we were going through by simply walking on that staircase) but then, we ended up enjoying the rest of the memorable night at the UP fair. you see, it's not about what you get to receive from a loved one, but how you get to spend this day that really matters...whether it be with your lovey-dovey or your best single pals.

janeth and i have celebrated the eve of hearts day, in the most impulsive way that we can think of.. we just bought what could be our most expensive buys to date.. which i would like to blog about separately.. then, we both enjoyed some great music at timbre bar, which has an exquisitely great view of the boat quay, over a bottle of wine, baked mussels, bacon wrapped prawns, and four cheese pizza. well, we weren't really hungry and we didn't get drunk at all before midnight. yeah right!

well.. we were not trying to appear desperate... a bottle of wine was just cheaper over two glasses of our favorite cocktails..so why not get a bottle of wine instead? hehehe.. besides, there were lots that we toasted on over the hearts day.. as much as i would like to remember what they were.. all i could recall are :

cheers to the men who came into our lives, who webbed colorful threads, and somehow, made some portions in our lives worth retelling :D

cheers to all the bitterness gone .. (really, they should have been down the drain a long time ago, but basking on them do serve the lessons that we have learned .. and still should learn)

cheers to the exciting year that's to come .. (we never know how this year would turn out, most specially when you're single..)

cheers to a happy life.. and how we should be luvin it. (hehehe must be the alcohol, but i did try to convince janeth that i'm just happy right now, and i can't find the words to defend it)

so.. happy hearts day everyone!

post c.n.y. blues

i can't believe the four-day weekend is over.

gawd..how these four days have gone by so quickly and how things have turned out so .. so ... darn unexpectedly! i am back at the moment where i would catch myself laying down in bed and think... WHAT THE HECK DID I PUT MYSELF INTO????? don't you just wish that sometimes we didn't do what we just did, and that we can forget the things that just happened.. and everything else was just a bad dream??

a few days ago, i was dusting off stardusts.. i was seriously looking forward for a fresh start and i am supposed to be happy now and finally be just content. but then, i have to screw everything up. it is my free-spirited, and a-little-bit-of-a-biatch (haha di pa gyud mu-angkon na full pledge :p) side of me that's got to blame for that. sometimes i really wonder why do i have so much carefree attitude that i always fail to think of the consequences of my own actions? it's too cowardly, and too immature.

sometimes, i just never learn. hayy .. kanindut duklon! i really do need to learn to pick myself up this time.

i know it's always never too late to make right the things we did wrong. however, the more important thing that we too have to keep in mind is that we should not waste our second-chance's.

exhausted

i just feel so exhausted today. it's like i am going to be really really sick or i am just simply imagining things because i'm definitely, definitely, just tired.

one misconception that i have for the year ahead was that i thought this year would be the year of opportunities and i must meet them with high spirits as i try to grab each one that comes along. however, with the things that has been going about, i have learned that to be able to move forward, i have to learn and practice to wait.

i have written about this waiting thing already, and it's been just less than a week and i say it's not easy. patience is indeed a virtue i do not possess. then i came across this video from charming's blog, and i say it hit me on the spot.

"You gotta slow down your life or you’re gonna be dead.” :D

so, how do i start?

learning to wait

i once had a conversation with my friend marj about how we tend to get impatient about a lot of things in our lives most especially those that are beyond our control. being a very impulsive person, i have made a lot of mistakes in my life. looking back, i didn't have regrets because i insisted on learning the lessons that i get out of each experience. however, the mistakes have become a cycle. then it just shows i haven't learned a thing at all.

now, i am learning to wait. i am learning to wait for my future to unfold. it's exciting in a way, and scary all together. but i am praying for strength... for strength to make things right this time. i have friends and family to help me sort things out, and they are the angels who have taught me how to fly. i'm undeniably grateful for that.

i know there's one more thing that i need to do. i'm scared if i might not be able to say the things that i needed to say without having to cover myself with my pride. though i admit i am still praying that i might have the easiest escape, like i always resort to, whenever i have to face my own fears. but nah.. i promised myself.. kakayanin ko to :)

i read this forwarded email from www.wau.org.. it's the meditation from today's gospel.. it came to me like an answered prayer.

This may be a time of waiting, or it may be a time of deeper prayer and fellowship with Jesus. Perhaps God is calling you to read his word a bit more every day or to experiment with sharing your faith with a neighbor. Whatever the case, God is watching over you, giving you opportunities for your faith to blossom and bear marvelous fruit.

Are you ready to grow? Do you want to see more of God in your life? Look inward! Don't just try to do all the right things (which you must), but look to the work of the Spirit in your heart as well. Is he trying to put some sin to death in you? Is he trying to help you get over a wound that someone has left you with? Give the Spirit the chance to take the seed of your faith and grow it into something magnificent.

"Father, I say yes to you today in everything you ask of me. Take hold of my life more deeply and reveal your will for my life. Build a firm foundation within me that I might also help others to know you."

i am writing this.. so that whenever i get the itch to be impulsive again, i'll have something to remind me ... that i really do need to sit and wait sometimes, and all else will just unfold in the right place. :)

an angel brought me here

i know i have been really whiny and disappointed about many things when the year started. then there comes these crossroads that i just overlooked and consider them as hindrances instead of seeing them as opportunities. i was creating problems when all that ever came pouring are actually blessings. all i needed was to be really pushed to the edge to realize that. and i am thankful to have met someone who did just that. i bet i would still have been burying my head under the pillows up to now if he wasnt around. now, i can't stop smiling cuz there are indeed lots to be thankful for.

don't get me wrong. i haven't shouted eureka yet! i still don't know the answers to my questions. i still do not know what i really want in this life. i still have no idea how to save the world. but i just feel i am getting there. (hehehe feeling lang pala :p)

but what's really important that i learned today.. sometimes, we don't really need wings, cuz we got angels to show us how to fly. :)

back at the crossroads

i know all of us have some dreams that vary from simple to the out-of-this-world kind. then we also have our short term goals and long term goals that should somehow be paved in a way that it will lead us to achieving our dreams. then we think of how long will it take us to get these dreams to reality? what sacrifices we have to make? or, should we just wait for all else to fall down in our laps like it is simply just meant to be?

each time i get to a crossroad in my life, where i have to choose to jump the big leap, or take on the less risky route, i always end up with the eternal question : what on earth is my long term goal? which of these options will lead me there? if all options do coincide with my goals, how should i choose then? on another note, how do i see myself eon of years from now, in case i do get to live as old as moses did? okay, seriously, what do i really want from this life?

this, by far, is the most difficult thing for me to answer. i want to live a simple life, therefore, i am meant to have simple goals - the feasible, and achievable kind. now, the question is... why am i not even getting there? but then, that leads me back to my first problem.. am i sure i know where exactly is "there" in the first place?

but really, if i try to look deeply into this, all i can see is that the universe is just so big from where i'm sitting! it is difficult to pick a good place for ... my next pit stop.

He's got plans too

nat's comment on my previous entry really got me thinking.

"if you want to make God laugh, make a plan."

actually, that's the first time i heard of such saying, but indeed it has some truth in it. it's not the first time though that i have received a comment of that sort. i guess i invite such comments when i ranted about my plans for next year and how much i am putting at stake just to stick with it.

so maybe i am very comical in God's eyes right now. i got plans! but really, i do agree that all is in His hands. i just need reminders! :D i know in my heart, He always has my best interest.

all i got to do is behave.

cleaned out

i promised myself to sleep early tonite so that i could wake up early tomorrow, so that i won't be late for work anymore. however, it's past midnight, and i am still wide awake, blogging. obviously.

well, i found myself cleaning up some mess in our storage room as there was just too many boxes that it was getting difficult to get through. it's a surprise how clutter could easily pile up in a few months, and just a night to clean it all up.

if only it is that easy to clean up the clutter that we pile up in our lives after years of making the wrong decisions. *sigh*. it is a struggle and a really really slow process to straighten the mess that have piled up after screwing up several times. not to mention, it also takes a whole lot of will-power to even start.

but then, once you start, all else will easily follow. just takes patience, be the optimist that we should be. ne?

for the love of theater

i was watching some musical theater clips in youtube, and i found myself once again mesmerized by the music, the dance.. and all the beauty of theater that i lost track of time and it's past midnight now and i should be sleeping already... BUT, i love theater. i love musicals. sometimes i dream that my life is one, and those moments where we wished would drag on for eternity, i would imagine it with the perfect background music (and me singing, and people around and dancing, and ... i could go on).

then, i recalled the most memorable, er.. embarrassing job interview i had in my dream company which i blew, all for the love of theater:


manager: so, what is your dream job?
moi: hmm... (think hard, think double hard) .. well, i really wanted to be in a theater.

i swear there was a brief pause of disbelief from the interviewer.

manager: theater??

then she ranted more, and everything else was history.

this is one of the moments where you wish you just had been eaten alive. that's why that company is still my dream company up to now.

up and down and around and about

it is still the second day of the NaBloPoMo challenge, and i am already out of topic on what to blog about. but since i am still taking the challenge, i have to write something. so, this entry will purely consist of nonsense rants, but then, most of my blogs are also so filled of that, so what's new?

i do not want to blog about how dull my work day is today because i do not want to talk about my geeky, nerdy job. i do not want to blog about the weather too, and write how the clouds got so dark outside, while lightning strikes from time to time. i remembered being so afraid of thunders and lightning when i was little. and, i also remembered lightning-watching with my very first best guy friend some six years ago. i think he was trying to brew a romantic setup as we were up on a hill one night, looking over the city lights and just plainly watching lightning striking over the far city and we talked about anything under the stars. so sweet. however, no romantic sparks ever flew between us, so we remained very very good friends for a long time, until he got married and is now very busy being a husband and a father that i could totally not relate to him anymore.

sigh. the perils of singlehood. once your dear friends starts to get married one by one, you couldn't help but be really alarmed and think how come you are not even in a decent relationship. then you try to look back how come you've given up on the decent guys that came along simply because you can't settle. of course, i can't simply just settle. and by that thought you get more alarmed because wedding bells may not ring for you. but i'm brushing that thought away. *breathe in, breathe out, relax* .. i still have shower parties to plan.

my body still sores from the yoga class the other day, and i'm taking muscle relaxants already. plus, i think i am about to catch colds because of late nights, trying to put sense into my recent actions. really, thinking too much just simply doesn't help any of our problems because we also need to act on them. and i'm only good at the "thinking too much" part.

"the world is round, it has no point", as a saying goes. well, the world and my life seems to have something in common. good thing, i'm not suicidal... and i'm busy contradicting that.

it will have a point. i know!

it's not the shoes

there are events in your life, like falling down on your knees in front of many people, construction men at that, that could make you think - dili lagi mag rampa2x basta daghang ali sa dalan! waaaah.

this post is not about some shoes. however, it's this pair of pumps that is an accessory to my embarrassing morning.

you see, our pool is under construction, and the whole re-tiling thing around the area was causing too many obstructions on what is left of our little walkway. i was avoiding a potted plant when my 3.5 inch heels got stuck on the net they used to block around the pool while they work. the next thing i knew, i was out of balance and fell down on my knees, with several eyes having to witness all that.

i had to slowly get up, dust off my pants, and check for bruises.. (and call 911) .. and composed myself. while doing that, i thought to myself, "darn! why do i have to rush to work when wearing my favorite pair of pumps! and why do our pool have to be re-tiled when what it really needs, is to be re-shaped. who wants to swim in a bean-shaped pool when the chances of bumping into someone is high? .. where's your manager!! gusto kong magcomplain!"... hehe of course i didn't call management, nor ranted at the men who were my instant audience during the whole incident. all i had was a bruised ego.

i think i just gave all those men an icebreaker. something to perk up their morning at my expense! hmph! all what's left for me to do was maintain my poise and redeem myself while i slowly walked towards the gate and exited from our apartment. i still could still feel their eyes slowly following me until i reached the gate. once i found myself safe from their gazes and got my senses back, i surprisingly found myself thankful that i didn't fall sideways and sprain my ankle. or worse, i did not take an accidental dive to the pool. i guess i was still lucky. falling down at the pool would have been a definite show stopper.

i just hope those men won't be looking forward for another icebreaker tomorrow. i should really stop procrastinating during mornings and rush myself to work to avoid such accidents.. or, i could also not wear the same pair of shoes while our pool is under construction. :D

in case you're wondering, why the picture? wala lang.. i just want to say, "in fairness, maganda ang shoes ko!" wehehehe. that's the shoe junkie in me talking. :p

six things about me, as told by my weekend

i know this is a late post, but there's just too much to catch up at work, not to mention some tres kulit people you have to entertain in between. but it's still tuesday. it's not even mid-week yet, so i guess i can still talk about my weekend. but even if a week has already passed, i would defenitely not miss a chance to write about this weekend. it was too surreal :D

since it was hari raya holiday in singapore, my girlfriends and i decided to do get a break and go on vacation. less travel time, more beach bum time and end it with a very relaxing massage was our target. good thing janeth found the perfect place to do all that. the next thing we knew, we were heading to Angsana Resort in Bintan, Indonesia.

i think it would be nice to talk about my weekend by pointing out the things i've learned about me from it. i got this idea from charmingbutsingle's blog. i even just copied her blog's title. but instead of eight, i could only come up with six.

1) i am a beach bum. i can't help it but i just love the beach so much. staring at the calm sea and clear blue sky never fails to leave me breathless. my weekend was filled with lying by the beach, and some swimming. oh, and beach volleyball could be fun, wish i could really learn to play it :)

2) i can learn photography. well, i only have a point and shoot cam, the nikon s7 coolpix. i was playing around the manual settings, adjusting the best combination of the exposure, the flash and the ISO, etc for the scene and i found myself really enjoying the different results that i got. it's fun. so, i realized that i can learn photography to take better pics. not that our pictures aren't great already wehehehe. if we had a more professional cam, like a dslr, we probably gave more justice to the beauty of the resort :D however, i don't have budget for a dslr,not now anyways, so that hobby will have to wait.

3) i'm easy to please. nothing beats life's simple pleasures, like star-gazing. the thing with staying in a big city, star-gazing becomes a luxury. the city lights just steals the thunder from all those beautiful stars spread across the night sky. good thing we were able to do that in the resort. We visited the nearby, more exlusive (more luxurious) resort, the Banyan Tree, which is of the same owner from the resort that we stayed. the Banyan Tree all had villas, and very, very romantic, by the cliff restaurants that is overlooking the south china sea.

one of the open air restos in Banyan Tree had double and single beds lined up, facing the sea. The beds were beautifully setup with flowers scattered on them, some throw pillows and candles by the bedside table. we were lying on one of the beds, cozying up. we simply stayed there and feasted on the star-glazed night sky, weaving our own romantic dreams :) *sigh* dun palang, busog na ako. but our appetite changed its mind when we had a taste of our meal.

4) i luv food trippin'. when you're in a fine resort, fine dining will always be there. wala kami choice :p we had dinner at Banyan Tree's TreeTops cafe. we ordered codfish in some port wine sauce, seafood chowder, watermelon salad, and a bottle of wine. sosy ang mga lola, pa wine-wine pa. we were surrounded by couples who were on their own romantic dates, but i think our bubbly mood (and boisterous laughter), ruined the ambiance for those couples. hehe. our apologies, but we just didn't want to ruin our mood too.

after the sumptuous dinner, we then requested for a buggy to send us back to our resort, with a buggy-licious driver to drive us. :D

5) i know how to pamper me. well, we do have the tendency to be a bit vain. so, after all the talk about the gnawing emptiness creeping at the back of my soul, i decided that i deserve a little pampering. the weekend is all about that anyways. for me, the best way to pamper myself is head off to the spa and get a good massage. and i was lucky, or rather, my friends and i were lucky, that we had the best massage ever. they prepared a very refreshing welcome drink, cucumber juice (you read that right, my first time to try it and it was surprisingly good). The staff was very gracious and very accomodating. the massage itself was very precisely done for your specific need and they used a very soothing aromatic massage oil, which they exclusively sell. their therapists were definitely well-trained to give the best spa service to their guests. i finished off my spa by a refreshing bath and putting on their very soothing jasmine scented lotion. heavenly. there was nothing i could definitely complain about the whole service. the massage removed all my stress and definitely left me on the high :)

6) i'm weak. i find it so difficult to kick old habits. i have to admit that one of the stressful thing that i wanted to get rid off, and one of the things that was leaving me empty the past days, or months even, was some mcsteamy-related stress. my weekend was supposed to be all about relieving myself from that. however, the moment we headed back to singapore, fate was playing some tricks on me. or probably this is just a way to test me how serious am i about the moving on thing...hmm..we'll see.

anyways, if i do get all stressed out once again, then there's a reason i should head back to Angsana Resort and get me another spa! Who knows, i'll reach maldives this time! haha. what a great excuse! :p

to post pics on my multiply site :)

faith at 2 am

i know i should be dozing off by now as i have an early trip. i have to be awake in - 3 hrs. but that's okay, i'm headed to the beach this weekend anyways .. so that'll be a great place to just.. sleep. okay, and swim too :D

one reason i have not blogged much these days (well, compared to last month), is that i am trying to detach myself from some gnawing emptiness because there are just things i need to learn to let go. if possible, i should not let this bog down on me. not anymore. i don't know if i am just in denial, or this is just me, coping.

life's just too beautiful to spend too much time understanding why there are just things that do not work out the way we want to be. i know, there are still too many lessons that i need to learn. and whenever i feel helpless like this, i'll just say to myself.."God's plan is just too grand for me to comprehend.. i just need to put a little more faith on Him".

that's it. a little more faith. :)

spreadin' some luvin'

i was browsing through the different news headlines from my iGoogle, when one subject from my 'Reuters:Oddly Enough' gadget caught my attention. It said, "A bad relationship can cause heart attack"... and i was like, what's so odd with that?

bad relationships can definitely cause you a heart attack. it slowly destroys you. worse, it could definitely kill you if you let it be. i mean, the article said so and those who just got out from one could definitely testify to that. but hey, i don't mean to say that i've just been out of a very very bad relationship, or that i've ever been to one that's close to the killing kind. i mean, we do get to experience a bad relationship at least once, and we all know it's very intoxicating and very consuming. and once you're out of it, you realize that it was not worth to be in it at all.

i am not limiting relationships here to romantic relationships. it could be relationships with friends turned enemies. you could be in a huge family feud, and that's also a form of being in a bad relationship. but i guess families are the most difficult one to get rid off. admit it, families are just those people we can't get away with, cause we didn't choose them in the first place. we're basically stuck with them.

my point is, being in a bad relationship is really not worth it. i mean, if you are in one, get out of it if you still can. while you still can. you will just be in a situation that would ruin you, and whatever is left of your self worth. but i don't mean to say make war with those involved. getting out of a bad relationship could also mean making peace with the person involved. if you think you've been enslaved, intoxicated by someone, talk to that person and try to approach to a healthier, more peaceful atmosphere together. i mean if that person is really worth it in your life. if possible, try to build good relationships with those around you. who knows what you might find out? it would be really surprising to learn that you're the toxic one in the relationship. you're the one that's bringing all the negativity. you're the one who's creating that clashing aura. well, this is just a way of looking at the other side of the coin.

so, strip off that pride, wash away those anger, rinse off that jealousy, and spread love y'all. :p

i sound like a hippie :D well, that's just me getting a bit carried away...but, it would really be such a sad thing if we die from a broken heart, right? :)

addiction and retail therapy

i've been restless for more than a month already. there's some addiction that i'm working on getting rid off - and that's not shopping :D well, i am in dire need of a diversion from some inner struggle that's been eating me. it's like i want to be freed from this hard habit to break.

i've tried getting myself busy. but i can't be busy all the time. but even if i were, i get easily distracted. and i always welcome distraction with open arms. so it doesn't always work. thus i've failed terribly and miserably in keeping my sanity most of the time. the easiest thing i could resort to in times like this is - retail therapy.

however, this intoxication is something that could not be rid off easily by some shoes or bag. not anymore, not even temporarily. i became desperate for something different. something that i don't usually go for when i'm in retail therapy.

the first splurge was my inmotion altec lansing iPod dock with FM tuner, S$289, which i bought more than a month ago. i needed an instant fix from a betrayal that i never saw coming. yeah, i still remembered that dreadful afternoon where all of this started. but i'm not going into detail about that as i'm supposed to be forgetting and moving on.

you see, i'm not a gadget person. i'm a shoe person. i buy shoes when i'm really depressed, or even a bit depressed, or when i think i should be depressed. well, you get what i mean. my point is, this gadget-loving-me is something really new. i'm expecting to experience a different sense of satisfaction from my new buy. i guess i did. now, each time i look at my iPod dock, i don't remember much the "incident". instead, i still find myself in disbelief how i was able to splurge such amount for that little black thing on my table that i only use as an FM radio most of the time. if it's an FM radio that i really wanted, i can get one for S$50 and buy a separate speaker that could cost much much less. i guess this is "the diversion" at work. i don't get into something like this after buying an unreasonably expensive pair of shoes. i can always defend my new pair from reason.

i was fine for a few days after that. but of course it didn't last. we are entitled for some lapse of judgment at some point in our life. i went on relapse, and was suffering more. i'm still restless. and each time i felt like i need something to divert my energy to, i went for more retail therapy.

there's still so much in my list to buy while this restlessness still hangs in the air. but i know i'll get over this and retail therapy is my lame excuse for my unnecessary buys. i know it's not really solving my problem. it's creating new ones instead - like how to deal with an empty pocket.

i should really start thinking that i'm tougher than i give myself credit for. my addiction can be solved without the aid of retail therapy. but while i'm not really so convinced with that, i have to keep my distance from these shops. and hope i don't fall for the same mistakes again. and again. and again. well, it's not called an addiction if i could easily help myself from it, right?

and like how a local would put it - so how?