back at the crossroads

i know all of us have some dreams that vary from simple to the out-of-this-world kind. then we also have our short term goals and long term goals that should somehow be paved in a way that it will lead us to achieving our dreams. then we think of how long will it take us to get these dreams to reality? what sacrifices we have to make? or, should we just wait for all else to fall down in our laps like it is simply just meant to be?

each time i get to a crossroad in my life, where i have to choose to jump the big leap, or take on the less risky route, i always end up with the eternal question : what on earth is my long term goal? which of these options will lead me there? if all options do coincide with my goals, how should i choose then? on another note, how do i see myself eon of years from now, in case i do get to live as old as moses did? okay, seriously, what do i really want from this life?

this, by far, is the most difficult thing for me to answer. i want to live a simple life, therefore, i am meant to have simple goals - the feasible, and achievable kind. now, the question is... why am i not even getting there? but then, that leads me back to my first problem.. am i sure i know where exactly is "there" in the first place?

but really, if i try to look deeply into this, all i can see is that the universe is just so big from where i'm sitting! it is difficult to pick a good place for ... my next pit stop.

voucher transactions

i woke up in the middle of the night and this was the first thing that came into my mind. Dang! you know you're too stressed at work when it creeps under your bed and tries to steal you away from your dream. and yes, i was indeed trying to sleep soundly last night. but obviously, it wasn't so sound as i hoped it would be.

however, i had a good laugh when i got to work this morning when i read my emails.

it went like this:

Email 1

To: Lizette
cc: Project Manager
Subject: Issues on blah-blah-blah

Hi Technical Manager,

blah blah blah blah

Regards,
Lizette

Email 2

To: Technical manager
cc: Lizette
Subject: Fw: Issues on blah-blah-blah

Hi Technical Manager,

I am forwarding message from Liz.

Liz seems to be too tired and sent the mail to herself :D

Regards,
Project Manager

Email 3

To: Lizette
cc: Project Manager
Subject: RE Issues on blah-blah-blah

Know how you feel Liz:)

Regards,
Technical Manager

My managers are so kind... and funny too. :D

supernatural

a friend and i was casually catching up through skype when all of a sudden he diverted from our conversation and threw me questions out of nowhere. he suddenly asked about the weirdest things.

he was asking me if i had some shiny, curvy object in my cabinet at home which is not an earring. he insisted it has to be something that i didn't previously own, or was just given to me by someone. of course i could not remember every single item in my cabinet, and it was difficult to give him the thing that he is looking for. then i asked why was he asking for such thing. he then told me that he's been seeing this small creature, which he can only figure out by its shadow, and is currently looking for something in my cabinet. he even added the creature looks funny, peeking into my cabinet since he's quite small. that was when i told my friend he is not being funny anymore, and that he is slowly scaring me. i don't believe in the supernatural, but i don't want to talk about them either. he said he was not trying to scare me either, he was just telling me what he felt right at the moment. how weird is that?

oh, and did i mention that friend has never been to singapore? so he doesn't even know what my apartment looks like. he's currently in another timezone right now. so i told him to just sleep as it's already late in his time. maybe he's developing a fourth eye or whatever. but i just insisted that we dismiss whatever he was sensing at that moment.

now, i am really curious what could be the shiny, curvy, metallic thing lying in my cabinet.

making it a grey matter

the caffeine-overdosed, slightly tipsy zombie is still awake. she's torturing her already pathetic self with heart-wrenching last episodes of grey's anatomy season 3, trying hard (but failing terribly) not to relate her miserable relationship angsts to whatever the equally misarble characters are facing.

she tells herself, tears are for sissies. no one cries over a jerk.. but darn, mcsteamy's just so freaking hot. her mind wanders about ways to nurture her maternal instincts, whilst she runs away to the farthest corner at the hint of a coming proposal. the next thing she knew, she made herself vulnerable and jumped at the next guy available. headlights were flashing everywhere, but she was just too stubborn to pay attention. she believed she knew all about the game. she thought she was in control and she can handle it all. but when her own emotions betrayed her, she realized that she's just as naive, optimistic and hopeful like any little girl dreaming about the one day when prince charming will come. the biatch in her thinks that really really sucks.

but then, the drama's over when the show stops. tears have dried up, and reality is starting to sink in. however, these words from one of the episodes will remain:

desire leaves our heart broken, it wears us out
desire can wreck your life

but as tough as wanting something can be,
the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want

septembah

finally, it's september! i don't know if it's just me, but i really think august dragged on so so so sooo slowly, like it was taking almost forever for september to come! won't you agree? the month was surely taking its time, or maybe there was just so much that happened last month that made it seem so long (cuz when i checked the calender, it was the same 31 days, duh!). but am i glad it was all over... finally, it's september! (didn't i say that already?)

hmm, today's labor day in the US. just had a fun trip down to memory lane when i remembered my first labor day weekend, and spent a whole lotta fun touring NYC. but that wasn't the highlight of the trip, ofcourse. :D time surely does fly fast when i realized that that thing happened like three years ago .. but the memory never fails to put a smile on my face though. hehe .. it brings thoughts like things i look forward to telling my grand-daughters, "mga apo, cute guys and tequila don't mix well is a dangerous mix ..pramis!" harharhar .. :D here's a link of my old blog.

the first weekend is also my hometown's fiesta. i've missed celebrating this festivity. the house will always be packed with guests from different corners of my province and the food will just be pouring non-stop from the kitchen :D being a boholana, i'm always proud of how we celebrate this tradition .. we're famous in the visayas for this :) (i'm not too sure if the other parts of the country have heard about how we celebrate these fiestas though)

it'll be four months before christmas too. isn't that exciting? it would be my roommie's wedding too :) wow, it's like i've never been away from home this long. it'll be the first christmas that i planned to spend with my family after two years. now, the thought really got me excited.. yey! :)

cheers for happy thoughts! :D

things gone wrong

sometimes our own madness gets ahead of us and we do things we're not supposed to do in a saner state. however, there are things we'd rather face simply to avoid our own truths. what is it about these truths that we have to be so afraid of anyways?

maybe i'm just loosing some sanity here as i try to hold on to my own ground. i've allowed myself to be dragged to a make believe world, as i search for impermanent answers. of course, i just drowned myself in misery and allowed it to eat me the whole day.

how i wish i could turn back time and not make those wrong turns. but i have long accepted that this world has no place for tears, no place for regrets. the only thing left to do is put on that brave mask as i face the consequences that lay ahead.

*sigh*. if only i can just carry on all the hurts, things would be fine. i want to resign tonite with the thought that the sun awaits for me in the morning.

bored coffee musings

i don't want to complain about my life's being complacent right now. i should be happy, contented. not fidgeted nor edgy. nothing's been preoccupying me these days. the only thing that's causing my heart to skip a beat has always been, and maybe will always be, though hopefully not - my coffee.

there was one morning when i decided to change my skype shoutout to "can't imagine my mornings without you... my mocha latte". some people actually thought i was being romantic to call my boyfriend with such endearment. i can't help but crack up on the thought that people would seriously think that. well, if i can't have a boyfriend, i can at least have my coffee, right? however, before the day ended, i had to change my skype status. i don't want to be giving the wrong ideas that i am unavailable. hehe. on the contrary, that would be purely insignificant since there's no probable prospects in my skype contacts anyway.

i've been much of a home body the past month. though i'm itching to go back to clubbing, do salsa or brush up my French. but i see all as pointless and superficial now or nothing just drives me anymore. i can sense that i'm shrinking my social circle little by little that it gets too crowded even if i were to stand in there alone. my thoughts are also tired of spinning around the probabilities of what my future would lie ahead of me. seriously, i get dizzy already about thinking too much nonsense. the only spinning that’s been happening in my life is inside my head.

*sigh* if only i were a seasoned traveler, i'm pretty sure i'd be busy exploring someplace, something, or someone right now. if only i'm strong enough to live the life i want.

too much of nothing

i'm really having nasty changes of mood these days. maybe i get this when i'm staying too much at home. i was never, or rather, i am never a homebody type of person, though i try to be. i mean, i don't mind staying at home as long as there's something that would keep me busy. however, if there's nothing left to do at home, i get restless. like you've already done all the cleaning and tidying up, what's next then? well, unless i'd do the cleaning all over again just for the sake of having something to do. hmm, no way. (am i glad i'm still sane!)

another thing, it is okay to stay at home as long as i still got some movies or tv series to watch. however, i've had enough of prison break episode marathons. if it weren't for wentworth miller, i wouldn't be watching too much of this series despite the amazing plot it has. i get too affected with whatever movies i watch. some episodes just gets into my sleep. there are just so many scenes that are pretty disturbing. i'm afraid i'd be developing low latent inhibition. that i won't mind as long as i got a high IQ. :p