an interesting day

today's been pretty interesting.. that's why i'm so tempted to answer this survey.. despite being very lengthy :) ( i got this from my dear friend joan) .. it's just that i don't feel like blogging, but i need to divert my attention to avoid from thinking too much na naman. :)

so here goes nothing but babbles .. :)

1. Name someone who made you smile today? hmm.. 2 ppl.. jason, for blogging about our fun dinner yesterday, and for hearing unexpectedly from someone after wishing for it for days.. surprise.. surprise :D
2. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? choosing what to wear to work that wud perfectly match my loafers
3. What did you eat last night? grilled chicken with cheddar cheese and mashed potatoes, soft shell crab and warm brownie ala mode at cafe oliv. gutom na naman ako :D
4. What was something that happened to you in 1992? i graduated from elementary, geez m old :(
5. What are you looking forward to? more trips.. more trips.. and more trips.. and i wouldn't mind a boyfriend .. really. haha!
6. Words to explain why you last threwup! i had too much seafood in thailand that i got indigestion on my last dinner .. puked at the men's toilet cuz i didn't understand their toilet signs .. good thing no one was there.. eeww.
7. What color is your hairbrush? i dont have a hairbrush.. just a comb.
8. What was the last thing you bought? hmm.. my first pair of levi's :D yey! (well, after i bought a pair of sandals, and 2 big bags earlier that day hihihihi:D )
9. What was the last gift you received? an iPod :D
10. What color is your front door? brown (what makes this question relevant?)
11. Where do you keep your money? wallet, bank, drawers
12. What was the weather like today? just perfect .. a bit cloudy in the morning.. but the usual beautiful sunset in the afternoon :)
13. What was the last place you visit? Phuket
14. What are you excited about? having finally picked a decision over my latest dilemma
15. When was the last time you sneezed? this morning .. i think
16. What size shoe do you wear? 7
17. Do you want to cut your hair? nope ... just my bangs
18. Are you over the age of 25? definitely over 25..
19. Do you talk a lot? i think i talk a lot .. when i'm comfortable with the people i'm with
20. Do you watch The O.C.? nope ..
21. Are you ticklish? *guilty*
22. Are you typically a jealous person? hmmm.. sorta, if there's a reason to be
23. How are you? undefined emotional state, and stressed out with my latest dilemma
24. Who's the last person who texted you? the one person i least expected to hear from ..
25. Do you like high heels? i luv 'em.. but i rarely wear them .. i'm crazy about flats now.
26. Do you chew on your straws? err..yes
27. Do you have curly hair? just slightly wavy.. but kaka-rebond lang :D
28. Are you a flirt? subtly so .. the harmless kind :)
29. How many times have you sworn today? i don't think i consciously do that.. but maybe i did.. i didn't notice.
30. Do you like to sleep? when there's nothing else to do.. or when i'm at work.. lol
31. Do you have to work tomorrow? it's a week night, so yes.
32. Who was the last person who made you mad? still the one person i least expected to hear from
33. What should you be doing right now? i should be working
34. Do you have a nickname? don't we all? .. yes
35. Are you a heavy sleeper? when i'm dead tired.. yes
36. What was the last concert you went to? banda fantastika at barnone, marriot .. a month ago
37. What is the best movie you've seen in the past two weeks? HAIRSPRAY!!! luvd it :)
38. What was your favorite grade through school? if it's the school level.. i think that was during junior year in HS.
39. When was the last time you did the dishes,honestly? i always do my own dishes at home.
40. Did you cry today? mixed feelings.. there was a moment i wanted to cry today .. wanted lang

loving my crossroads .. not

i think i have this habit of putting myself in the middle of a crossroad. i just got myself out from an emotional rollercoaster, and i am in the process of healing and moving on, and shutting those voices at the back of my head. now, i've put myself once again in a dilemma.

i remembered writing about how stressed i was as a c++ developer almost a year ago, which lead me to take the road less travelled, and ended up with this totally non-c++ related job. i was struggling with the adjustments, and i've lost all the confidence i had gained from my past work experiences. it all boiled down to how easily one can adopt to change - and it seems i'm not so good at that.

now, i wanted to take that familiar road once again and searched for the job that i once had confidence on. i didn't realize the seven months would make me forget the knowledge i've gained in the past six years. i almost forgot how to declare a c++ class, which i find really, really sad and pathetic. it just proved one point - instead of going uphill, i am deteriorating.

then an opportunity came knocking at my door. i got excited with the new challenges served in silver platter. i can't wait to put on my old sneakers and get back on the familiar track. i can see myself doing my stretches as i feel the adrenalin rushing in once again.

but before i could go anywhere, i realized that no good offer comes without a catch. this new job asks for me to stay for a year more. that is enough to make my excitement fall down. i already have plans set for next year. i don't know if i can still twist it and stretch it just to give in to this new opportunity.

some say i should grab this opportunity because there is a lot to gain, technically - which is what i really need right now. some say, i should just avoid all the troubles if i change jobs now and just stay put and ... wait. *gulp* i've done so much waiting already.

but what does my heart say? *listen intently* ... nothing. *sigh*

i know i should discern on this properly, but time is a luxury i can't afford. if only i could toss a coin to know what road to take.

ring those bells

"I cant contain my joy'
Cause I finally found the boy
I've been missin'
Listen!
I can hear the bells"
- I can hear the bells (Hairspray, 2007)

i just watched this film and this song got me reminisce how nice it feels to be head over heels in love with someone. like it's been a long time i've felt those butterflies in my stomach. can't eat. can't sleep. can't stop thinking of you kind of love. i know it sounds so highschool, so naive, so clueless that reality is forcing itself to sink in on me.. but i want to brush off any negative thoughts for now and forget life's tough realities.

let me float. let me fall. let me hear the bells.

at kanino naman? naku! pinch me! i'm falling in love with love again.

missing you

i am feeling nostalgic today.

i miss my friends in cebu. i miss the happy, familiar faces that i worked with, who have become my dear friends. i miss the places i used to hang out with. my favorite sunday lunch restaurant - shakey's at JY. i miss AA's. i miss everything about cebu. the food, the familiar place.

i miss bohol too. i miss my family. my loud pamangkins. i miss my highschool classmates, and my very very bubbly friends.

i so wanna go home.

but then, i miss japan too. i wanna visit the place again. i miss japanese food. the real thing. i have only been there for a short while, but the place is just not difficult to love. i want to stay there longer.

i just miss so many things. i should stop scanning old pictures.

i'm just feeling nostalgic today.

this will be over soon tomorrow.

Phuket - Take 2: The Planning

the first time i went to Phuket, Thailand (last year around May) .. i fell inlove with the place. for someone who loves the beach, who loves shopping, and who loves a bustling nightlife .. this is indeed the place to go. it was a great experience having to share it with friends who loved the beach as much as i do. i knew then that i would be going back to this place, the question was only when, and if i got some stash to spare, and with whom. :)

i didn't really expect i could go back to Phuket this year. when a friend decided to visit me in singapore, i suggested that why don't we go visit Phuket since he's already on vacation. i also invited my younger brother who's in bohol that time to join us. i haven't seen him for two years already, so i thought this would be a good time to bond :)

i was pretty excited about the trip cuz i had to prepare everything for myself. ( i admit there was a time when i almost backed out from this, but had it all sorted out.) i love planning for trips. i've planned for a vacation in osaka, japan with my dear friend, tantan. we did all the visa applications to the booking of tickets. i've planned for a week trip to seattle, wa. though someone else was incharge of the flight, but i did my own visa application too.. and how to get about the place, like drive for the first time in an interstate highway. :) then last december, i've planned for a highland getaway with my parents in berjaya hills, in malaysia... a place that i never imagined going to... and won't be going back either. hehe. these are places i've been to the first time, but never hesitated a moment when it comes to planning for trips. what can i say, i love to travel. ( mmm... i'm having a moment here about reconsidering my career path once again. but that's out of topic. :D )

booking for flights to Phuket is pretty easy, and cheap when you come from singapore. budget airlines like tigerairways and jetstar has cheap travel deals and promos. i took the tigerairways since it got an early flight, which allows us to maximize our stay in thailand. the cheapest one-way flight available then were as low as SGD9.90 (about Php300.00). but that's less the tax, ofcourse. the return trip ticket i got cost about SGD192.00 total per person, which i think is a pretty good deal already.

Tip for budget travellers: it helps to plan your trips in advance, and choose off-peak seasons to maximize your budget.

Phuket, being thailand's biggest island, has hundreds of hotels/resorts/hostels/budget rooms/apartments to choose from. there are also lots of online sites to book your hotel. try to read the reviews from the hotels as they are very helpful, unless you already have a pre-picked hotel of your choice. i booked our hotel thru asiarooms.com (this is free advertising) and i wasn't disappointed with their service.

where to choose a hotel in Phuket? From what i know, the island has three famous places with good beaches: Patong, Karon, and kata. the most popular is Patong, since it has the liveliest nightlife, and more shops. but if you opt for a romantic beach getaway, i think Karon or Kata area would be a better place to go. the shorelines aren't too crowded.

when choosing for a hotel, try to get one that suits your budget. it's alright to go for cheaper hotel rooms since you wouldn't be staying there most of your time anyways. hotels nearer the beach are a bit expensive. so picking a hotel on the next block is more reasonable. it's not that far to the beach, plus there's much to see around the streets that you wouldn't mind walking a bit. if you choose Patong beach, i suggest booking a hotel that's along Rat-u-thit 200 Pee Rd. they are more reasonably priced than the beach front hotels and not too far from the beach area.

(to be continued..)

la vie sans regrets

i was catching up with an old friend when our conversation led to the regrets he made with his decisions in life. had he not let pass some opportunities that came, he'd probably be in a much better state than where he is now. less empty. more motivated. more driven, perhaps. i told him that we are in a similar state right now. however, i do think about my past decisions and their consequences. but if possible, i don't dwell on them like i regretted each one that i made.

you see, we'll never appreciate the other side of the coin unless we've come to see the side we've chosen. we need to make decisions at some point in our lives. decisions where we may later on consider as mistakes. but also could be blessings in disguise once we tend to apply the lessons we learned from those mistakes. then we're glad we made those decisions cuz somehow it prepared us for something bigger.

of course there are things that brings me this feeling of regret if i try to look back on my past decisions. but i always make sure to point out the experiences i have gained had i not made those decisions at that certain moment in my life.

it's normal that we make mistakes. we may even fall twice or thrice to the same mistake. we may blame our decisions for each of them. but hopefully, the next time, we'd know better. yes, hopefully we'd really know better.

what i'm trying to say is... it's not that we should never regret our past actions. but if ever we feel like it, blaming ourselves for not discerning much before making life-changing decisions, we should learn not to stop there and let the blame consume us. it will only lead us deeper into the emptiness that we are already feeling.

did i regret my past actions? well, maybe. but i'm thankful things happened the way they did cause i wouldn't have gained enough courage to fix my own mistakes that lead me to such actions. no matter how difficult the consequences were for me to bear, still i carried them on..my heart may have been broken, but no tears need to shed. cause i've been made stronger by these experiences.

free my soul

"Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul,
I want to get lost in your rock and roll,
And drift away"
- Drift Away, Uncle Kracker

i think this is a very feel good song. after the regrets, heartaches, and emptiness, i so long to feel good. today's rain seemed to wash away some of the sadness from the past days. (btw, anyone with an mp3 of this song.. do share, s'il vous plait.)

*sigh*.. if only we can drift away.

"je veux seulemant oublier
le soir j'etais avec toi

but how can one forget
when the stars eluded me
and the moon lost its beam
twas all a passionless night"
- A Dreary Night, 2005.08.08

i remembered feeling exactly this way about two years ago that made me write this poem.

*sigh*.. if only we can easily forget those dreary nights.

i know another chapter has closed and a new one is about to start. right now, i just want to free my soul.

what's going on?

i was having this conversation with my friend, renz.

me: "just went thru an emotional roller coaster the past weeks"
renz: "really, that's just like a walk in the park for you"
me: "walk in the park? .. it feels more like a walk on burning charcoal."

just because one can smile through her problems, it doesn't mean everything is a walk in the park. it would probably be more like a walk in the park of burning charcoal with a bottle of tequila on one hand.

i find it often hard to believe that i am going through what i'm going through right now. i thought i'm so over with things like these. much more, i know i'm going through all these because of my own impulsive actions. sometimes i wonder how far my own impulsiveness will lead me to. often times i feel like banging my head to the walls as i flinch at the consequences i have to face.

remember when a dog-owner shouts, "bad dog! bad dog!", whenever his pet dog is acting like a dog? i so feel like that helpless dog whenever i do something i shouldn't have done. it's like i can hear my subconscious is shouting at me in the same manner because i wasn't using reason over my actions. darn! i so hate these voices in my head. they are making me crazy!

when faced with problems that makes you sick to your stomach, the escapist and coward in me always tries to surface and takes control of my life. like life hasn't handed me a dozen lemons already, i should know by now how to face my problems and getaway from the emotional web that i've managed to entangle myself with.

God does have a way with us whenever we are faced with these kinds of situations. often times i hear Him say, "Lizette, my dear child, don't be such a baby! get up and walk and stop whining!" i've been drowning myself in emptiness and void. but i've only been whining to myself! *sigh*

however, God showed me a glimpse of what's going on around me. how can i just give up and remain unmotivated about anything when there are even people loosing their own lives at their prime, something that's out of their control. i find myself being so selfish, and yes.. whiny. tama nga naman si Lord.

i know i can really be such a drama queen when there's really no one to blame with all the troubles i've led myself in but moi. yes, i'm just suffering from a series of misfortunes brought about my own impulsiveness. when will i ever learn?

then i came up with this Bible verse on a gadget i installed at my iGoogle homepage. Ephesians 2:8, "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God."

i guess i've just been handling things on my own, thus i tend to resolve things through impulsive actions. had i been more level-headed in facing my problems, i would have saved myself a lot of stress - and money. sometimes i just wish i could have someone to anchor me. but really, we only have ourselves and our willpower to change.

i know i need my feet back on the ground. i need His grace for me to be able to walk with my head up high once again... then i can finally shout, "Yatta!", when this journey ends.

anyways, i'm getting there.

i just wanna stop

often times i catch myself wanting to stop from whatever it is that i am currently doing. it's like i need to stop from whatever it is that's making my life routinary, ordinary, uneventful. i've been so unmotivated lately that i find myself daydreaming about quitting my job, packing my bags. i'd probably move to Phuket and just bum at the beach by day, and be a waitress by night. of course i'm kidding, but now that i've thought about it, it does sound tempting.

other things that i want to stop is this tendency of putting myself in a web of decisions, decisions and more decisions, that "discerning" becomes excruciatingly stressful. if only i could just do a toss coin out of my life's crossroads, life would simply be better.

however, i am one of the most confusing persons i know. i don't know what it is that i really want in my life. i don't know what it is that i would really like to be doing. figuring me out simply gives me a headache. much more discerning about what to do with me, i'd only get migraine. then there's these tons of crazy ideas that's mulling over my head and they are not helping me with my decision making.

i really need to stop from thinking too much, or even from talking too much. i've stopped associating myself from those instant messengers so that i'd slowly alienate myself. i'd probably change phone numbers, or address. i should even stop blogging. i should simply raise my hand and surrender.

i was fine before, but now i'm tired. i'm broken. and all i can think of is .. i just want to stop.