making it a grey matter

the caffeine-overdosed, slightly tipsy zombie is still awake. she's torturing her already pathetic self with heart-wrenching last episodes of grey's anatomy season 3, trying hard (but failing terribly) not to relate her miserable relationship angsts to whatever the equally misarble characters are facing.

she tells herself, tears are for sissies. no one cries over a jerk.. but darn, mcsteamy's just so freaking hot. her mind wanders about ways to nurture her maternal instincts, whilst she runs away to the farthest corner at the hint of a coming proposal. the next thing she knew, she made herself vulnerable and jumped at the next guy available. headlights were flashing everywhere, but she was just too stubborn to pay attention. she believed she knew all about the game. she thought she was in control and she can handle it all. but when her own emotions betrayed her, she realized that she's just as naive, optimistic and hopeful like any little girl dreaming about the one day when prince charming will come. the biatch in her thinks that really really sucks.

but then, the drama's over when the show stops. tears have dried up, and reality is starting to sink in. however, these words from one of the episodes will remain:

desire leaves our heart broken, it wears us out
desire can wreck your life

but as tough as wanting something can be,
the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want

getting sense out of a sleepless night

i was really supposed to be tired last night after having attended the dedication day of the christian life program at st. peter's and paul church organized by sfc-singapore. i stayed on a bit much later than i expected to. after the event, some friends gathered at starbucks for late night coffee, which is usually a bad idea if you do try to get some coffee. i opted for a green tea latte then, which i wasn't quite sure if there was too much cream, or there was too little green tea in it. oh well, i didn't bother much of the drink as i was busy chitchatting, and laughing my heart out, while taking pictures (something that's really not to be missed when these people do hang out together). all in all, there wasn't really nothing to complain despite how late it was when we called it a night.

i arrived home thirty minutes past midnight. but only went to bed at almost two after my nightly routines (not the acrobatic kind), and checking my emails and catching up with friends at gtalk. i was supposed to be dead-tired the moment i laid down in bed. however, i did not get enough of the much-needed sleep. i think it took me lots of daydreaming before i finally dozed off, and i was awake wondering if i actually slept at all. the sun wasn't still up. my roommie's still asleep (she gets up at about 6 am), and i can't get back to sleep. darn!

was i really that restless yesterday when i've been keeping myself really busy at work? was it because i was more troubled yesterday than i was the day before? was it because of the green tea latte? was it? was it? oh heck.. i can't think of any better reason. i will just have to deal with the fact that i'm a caffeine-overdosed, walking zombie today here at work.

but today's gonna be better - cause there's really nowhere else for things to go but be better. right? well, that's some optimism there! i feel like this gallon of energy ready to burst and tonight, i'm hoping to finally find an outlet for that. i just wish some nathan petrelli would fly me off to never never land, or wherever he brought peter with him, before i bring out more chaos to myself. but i don't mind if it's going to be nathan himself, i so love his dirty, i-dont-care-about-the-world look at season 2. so intense. so luv it :D

on another note, i think it's just a bit sad when there's so much that i would like to do, but i could not pick on a specific thing to start with. plus, all these talks about wedding plans (not mine), and relationship disasters (not mine either) are making me loose my balance despite them being seriously interesting topics. seriously. isn't there anything else we can care more about ? world peace perhaps?

addiction and retail therapy

i've been restless for more than a month already. there's some addiction that i'm working on getting rid off - and that's not shopping :D well, i am in dire need of a diversion from some inner struggle that's been eating me. it's like i want to be freed from this hard habit to break.

i've tried getting myself busy. but i can't be busy all the time. but even if i were, i get easily distracted. and i always welcome distraction with open arms. so it doesn't always work. thus i've failed terribly and miserably in keeping my sanity most of the time. the easiest thing i could resort to in times like this is - retail therapy.

however, this intoxication is something that could not be rid off easily by some shoes or bag. not anymore, not even temporarily. i became desperate for something different. something that i don't usually go for when i'm in retail therapy.

the first splurge was my inmotion altec lansing iPod dock with FM tuner, S$289, which i bought more than a month ago. i needed an instant fix from a betrayal that i never saw coming. yeah, i still remembered that dreadful afternoon where all of this started. but i'm not going into detail about that as i'm supposed to be forgetting and moving on.

you see, i'm not a gadget person. i'm a shoe person. i buy shoes when i'm really depressed, or even a bit depressed, or when i think i should be depressed. well, you get what i mean. my point is, this gadget-loving-me is something really new. i'm expecting to experience a different sense of satisfaction from my new buy. i guess i did. now, each time i look at my iPod dock, i don't remember much the "incident". instead, i still find myself in disbelief how i was able to splurge such amount for that little black thing on my table that i only use as an FM radio most of the time. if it's an FM radio that i really wanted, i can get one for S$50 and buy a separate speaker that could cost much much less. i guess this is "the diversion" at work. i don't get into something like this after buying an unreasonably expensive pair of shoes. i can always defend my new pair from reason.

i was fine for a few days after that. but of course it didn't last. we are entitled for some lapse of judgment at some point in our life. i went on relapse, and was suffering more. i'm still restless. and each time i felt like i need something to divert my energy to, i went for more retail therapy.

there's still so much in my list to buy while this restlessness still hangs in the air. but i know i'll get over this and retail therapy is my lame excuse for my unnecessary buys. i know it's not really solving my problem. it's creating new ones instead - like how to deal with an empty pocket.

i should really start thinking that i'm tougher than i give myself credit for. my addiction can be solved without the aid of retail therapy. but while i'm not really so convinced with that, i have to keep my distance from these shops. and hope i don't fall for the same mistakes again. and again. and again. well, it's not called an addiction if i could easily help myself from it, right?

and like how a local would put it - so how?

all-daughtry

yes, i couldn't simply get enough of daughtry. i was free for the afternoon, so i decided to show up at their autograph signing session at the HMV store at orchard. i didn't really mind if i couldn't get my cd signed if there were too many people queueing up for the band's signatures. i'll be fine as long as i could get closer pictures of the whole band :)

the session was around 4pm, so there wasn't a big crowd at the venue. giggly highschool girls comprised most of the fans hanging out for their autographs. but there were also young boys bringing out their guitars, which i find really cute :) i was tempted to join the highschool girls the moment the whole band walked towards the platform where they would be signing their autographs. but i didn't, of course. my jaw just dropped to see chris daughtry walking up on stage. but i recovered myself after a second naman :D hehehe.

since there wasn't too many people queueing up for the autograph signing, i decided to get up on the platform and have my cd cover signed. so, i was able to get up close and personal with chris daughtry and the whole band. yey! *keeping myself from jumping and getting gaga over the whole experience* .. i think i didn't breath the whole time i was standing in front of him. i was afraid i'd swoon. lol.

so i guess that concludes my daughtry experience. but of course, i'll still always be a fan... :)

about daughtry

i am not a daughtry fanatic. well, not really anyways.

when i heard over the radio that the band is coming to singapore about weeks ago, i just frantically got psyched that i knew i have to get tickets. i basically just shouted on my gtalk that daughtry is going to be in singapore. some heaven-scent friend (jason, that's u :p) got the message and was kind enough to help me how to get tickets since the show was marked as 'invites only'. i got to be invited, di ba?

so when i got my tickets, i didn't do leaps, nor did i spread to my friends how to get their own invites. i basically just freed my whole week for this concert, to make this night as my week's highlight. (i wonder what next week's gonna be?). no dates (asa pa!), no appointments, just pure daughtry.

when the day of the concert came (yesterday), i managed to go to the office a little bit early than usual (just about 45 minutes earlier lang naman). i compromised with my boss that i won't take a whole day leave tomorrow as long as he will agree that i leave for work earlier than usual. good thing the bigger boss was out the whole afternoon (was he at the concert too?), so that part wasn't a real problem.

i was early at the venue (thanks to my boss). but i decided to grab some coffee first as i was afraid to doze off during the show, and grabbed some muffins too while i'm at it. i was surprised that the queue was so long already when we got to the venue (st. james powerstation), and it was still about thirty minutes before they open up the place. i didn't expect that there'd be this many daughtry fans out here too.

good thing we were able to squeeze in a good spot during the show. but alas, i was the only one at my corner who was practically holding myself from jumping and screaming my lungs out to the songs that my heart knows so well. i couldn't take a good video for a whole song as my hands and knees have gotten weak surprisingly. i couldn't even carry my own bag. good thing, janeth was there to help me out. hehe. i basically rolled over and went to heaven during the show.

but that wasn't the night's highlight ofcourse. after the concert, when we exited in one of the hallways, daughtry and i crossed ways like we were destined to be. he smiled, and i kissed him smiled back. *dreamy eyed*. well, of course that didn't happen. the body guards were blocking our paths, as if he got the hint that i'll throw myself towards chris (excuse me no, di ako fanatic! :D ). hehe. sige na nga, i'll just content myself that he was once an arm's length and a bodyguard away from me. :D

but seriously, it was an amazing night just listening to great songs from a very, very talented singer like chris daughtry. i think his band members were equally talented too. it was such an awesome show. and chris being such a hottie is just an added bonus.

'punyal' thinks

i am ...

"a prisoner. a masochist. an unstable element. a feeble malleable masochist who lacks evolutionary progress. or, an evolving weak masochist listening to portions for foxes."

thanks to 'punyal' bear (he fakes meditation by hybernating) for that very precise description of me right now. you will always be my meditating kinky cylindrical species of a friend.

letting my hair down

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.


- corinne bailey rae - "put your records on"

this is a song that perfectly describes my general mood these days.

i've learned to compromise with myself these days. if i really do want to get away with the stress from all those decisions, decisions and decisions, i have to learn to stop taking those turns where i end up putting myself in the middle of crossroads. challenges are good. but we don't always have to invite them in.

luvin my busy days

So what’s up with me lately? Like anybody’s asking. But heck, I’m really really trying to be less controlling with myself. I need to learn to think less, worry less. I need to learn to let go of things I have little control about. I need to enjoy more of what life has handed me.

So I’m learning.

I’ve been keeping myself busy. If I can’t be busy with work, I might as well be busy with something else. But well, work has also its own plans - I’ve really been busy with work this week when I’ve managed to schedule my weeknights with the something to do.

But I guess that’s how life is. We plan, but not everything always go as how we’d like to be. Thanks to life’s little surprises.

Monday night was GK meeting night. I’ve been volunteering to help out with this organization - the Gawad Kalinga. We’re helping out this GK Love Concert, whose proceeds would go to the Mission 4 Nutrition Program which will be launched to the GK villages in the Philippines. Read on here to learn about Gawad Kalinga. The concert is this weekend, and the producer needs as many help as she can. She’s Singaporean, and she’s the key person that helped out in the launching of this nutrition program. She’s very moved about the goals of GK to lift the poverty in our country. Simply by looking at how these non-Filipinos are doing their best to help our own kababayans, is inspiring enough to make you want to do your own share in your own little ways.

Tuesday night was all about Shanghai food. A former colleague of mine, from Shanghai, invited me with other friends for dinner and try out close to authentic dishes famous in Beijing and Shanghai. I had this limited idea that all Chinese eat are noodles. I was wrong of course. We ordered a variety of food, seven dishes all in all - for four people. Yes, that’s a lot. And even if I just walked on my way home, I still felt that no calorie was burned from what I had that night. What I enjoyed most was their really really yummy and juicy pork dumplings, which is half the price of this fancy Chinese restaurant that I used to go to. Too bad, I got no pictures.

Wednesday night was all Japanese. Jason and I was eyeing on this Japanese restaurant that we passed by during our first dinner at Café Oliv. We went to Waraku Japanese Restaurant, which has outlets opening at Clark Quay’s Central Mall already. The place was quite small, and well, very Japanese. I wasn’t about to be disappointed with their dishes too. They just have too many options that it took a while for us to order. I wanted to get a taste of everything. Hehe. I ended up ordering Salmon Udon in cream sauce, and I will definitely order this again when I get the chance to come back. It’s like this creamy pasta sauce, which is lighter and almost soupy. And did I mention that they serve their noodles in this very very huge bowl? The dish was more than enough for two .. But of course, Jason finished all that he ordered. Hehe. He had a Tsubaki Set, which was this sort of Udon soup, and BBQ eel toppings on rice. Did I mention that we also orderd Futomaki? :D

Then, tonight.. Thursday night, is all about gadget night. Finally, my crimson XPS M1330 arrived. Yippee! I’m in love with my new Dell. Who needs a boyfriend now? Haha! I still do .. Lol.

So that’s it about the week. My m1330 and I still needs a lot of acquainting to do. Tomorrow night’s SFC teaching night. Then my weekend’s packed too, with the concert and probably, if I’m lucky, I’ll be watching Swan Lake On Ice.

Busy, busy, busy. I love it when I’m busy.

l-o-v-e

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build all these defenses. You build up a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like 'Maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart-pain. I hate love." - Neil Gaiman

where i am at loss for words, neil gaiman says it so perfectly .. word by word.

bakit ako single?

i just came from a job interview earlier which left me bugged with the question, "why am i single?" for the rest of the afternoon, and probably until i sleep tonight. i may have impressed the interviewers with my technical experience (finally, na defend ko ang pagka c++ programmer ko). however, i was not able to impress them with my long term goals.

it seems that my being "unattached" can possibly become a hindrance for me to get this new job. i had the same moment with jennifer aniston in her movie 'Picture Perfect' (1997) where she was passed up for a promotion because she is 'not stable enough', and is still single even if she was the right person for the job. however, i could not make up a story about being engaged with anyone because "ako nga ay single". and honestly, i wasn't aware that could be a problem til now.

i really thought that married career women would have a lesser edge against single, career driven women because they could not really give so much of their time to their work. we all know that family should come first. however, it seems that companies are also looking at how long can you possibly stay in a certain company, or in a certain place.

since i wasn't able to come up with convincing long term goals (wala naman din akong long term goals as of now), they probably got the hint that i would resign as soon as i get a better job outside the country which is a risk to the company. they do have a point actually. i'm single, i'm a free-spirit, and i'm a wanderer. where's the fault in that?

there was even a part in the interview where one of the interviewers suggested to the other if he knows anyone who is possibly available for me to date. aba! may free match-making pa! hire me already, please! hehehehe.

so there, napa-isip tuloy ako. good thing i didn't rant that it's not easy being single too, y'know. though the discussion would have turned out pretty interesting. i'm afraid they might offer me a tissue paper as i pour out my drama. OA! hehe.

but seriously, all i could think of then was ... i'm single and i'm loving it (parang mcdo)...til now. kainis!

the play and the margarita

after watching the play 'The Jeweler's Shop' last night, jan and i decided to stop by for a drink at the Loof just across raffles hotel. it's this rooftop bar that was so inviting while we were on the third floor, just outside the theater's lobby. on our way, we were discussing how the bar was named as such. does the name 'Loof' the chinese way of saying 'roof' in english? well, it could probably meant something else, and it's being on the rooftop could be purely coincidental so we decided to put our theories to rest.

i needed to unwind. i was just getting too many messages (or signals) from the play written by the late Karol Wojtyla (more famously known as Pope John Paul II) before he became pope. the play is a reflection of the different forms of human love. there wasn't much interaction between the characters, rather, it was mostly a monologue of the characters' emotions and thoughts in the different situations depicted in the story as they journey towards falling in love, or even falling out of it.

i think i was too engrossed in the play since i found myself reflecting on the questions raised by the different characters. i do have this tendency to empathize with these actors, not only in plays but also in movies. however, i admit i got scared about my own reflections that night that i had a heavy heart after the show (affected ang drama!). well, i did try to disregard those thoughts and blamed it all to the fact that i do think way too much about too little things.

the strawberry margarita i ordered helped a bit in lifting the heavy clouds set by the drama from what we call "the human kind of love". though if i had another glass, the stars would have revealed more of themselves that night. i wonder what they had to say.

septembah

finally, it's september! i don't know if it's just me, but i really think august dragged on so so so sooo slowly, like it was taking almost forever for september to come! won't you agree? the month was surely taking its time, or maybe there was just so much that happened last month that made it seem so long (cuz when i checked the calender, it was the same 31 days, duh!). but am i glad it was all over... finally, it's september! (didn't i say that already?)

hmm, today's labor day in the US. just had a fun trip down to memory lane when i remembered my first labor day weekend, and spent a whole lotta fun touring NYC. but that wasn't the highlight of the trip, ofcourse. :D time surely does fly fast when i realized that that thing happened like three years ago .. but the memory never fails to put a smile on my face though. hehe .. it brings thoughts like things i look forward to telling my grand-daughters, "mga apo, cute guys and tequila don't mix well is a dangerous mix ..pramis!" harharhar .. :D here's a link of my old blog.

the first weekend is also my hometown's fiesta. i've missed celebrating this festivity. the house will always be packed with guests from different corners of my province and the food will just be pouring non-stop from the kitchen :D being a boholana, i'm always proud of how we celebrate this tradition .. we're famous in the visayas for this :) (i'm not too sure if the other parts of the country have heard about how we celebrate these fiestas though)

it'll be four months before christmas too. isn't that exciting? it would be my roommie's wedding too :) wow, it's like i've never been away from home this long. it'll be the first christmas that i planned to spend with my family after two years. now, the thought really got me excited.. yey! :)

cheers for happy thoughts! :D