bump stop

i've decided to rename this blog to "bump stop".

my life is not a straight path of "pure bliss" nor is it a smooth journey. Though i wish it were, but that would have been boring. Consent?

I think our lives are defined by the "bumps" that we have gone through as we journey in it.

In some part of our lives, we experience piffling bumps that we do not mind to stop and find out what it was all about. they could just be totally ignored.

In some other part, we encounter some extrusions where we thought are just neglectable. But then they keep on coming back and coming back, until we get totally disturbed and at some point, we would decide to stop and check what's going on. That is the time where we analyze. Is it the road we're taking that's making the ride so bumpy? Or, is it the vehicle we're riding on the journey that we're taking that's causing the trouble? or could it be the baggages that we have with us? If we don't fully analyze what's wrong, just like any problem, the "bumps" keeps reoccurring as we continue. And by then it would be a choice if we want to ignore it until we just get used to it and hope it'll bugger off or until it causes a bigger problem on the way. It is up to us on how much we would take heed into these bumps.

Sometimes, we also get to experience "life-stopping bumps". Well, they're not probably bumps anymore, but more of a road block where if we decide to move on, might cause damage to our vehicle,our baggages, or worse, our life. this is where everything around us just freezes and make life-altering decisions and think about what's at stake. Should we take the risk, take on with the hindrance and check our limits? Or if we find it too risky, should we just make a detour? Or should we just go back to where we started?

A "bump" may not necessarily be anything that causes obstruction on our journey. cause i could choose just to stop after having passed a remarkably paved road. SOmething that i could look back to when i get on that bumpy ride. For without the real bumps that we encounter, we could not appreciate the smooth part of our journey.

and this is what this blog has been all about. it's all about the bumps that i encounter each day as i journey. and the picturesque moments where i could look back to if i get on a harsh road.

i'd be writing this blog hoping to get familiar with the reoccuring bumps that i come across with and to finally learn from them be well guarded the next time as i continue. Hoping to be heard and be adviced, be warned, be encouraged for any hesitations when i meet life-halting ones. and hoping to share the experience with others so they too might learn, or relive the familiar road they've taken once.

so this is my bump stop.

unwanted

the desire or need to belong to someone, to a society, or to a group of friends is human nature. no man is an island. a cliche, but true. but a series of failed attempts to belong had driven a few to be their own island. i myself have been tempted to runaway to mine.

sometimes i think if i am just so appalling to drive people away. or too intimidating perhaps, or even too demanding. but sometimes, being too easy is simply a reason enough to drive others away. i guess being too much on both ends are enough ingredients for an unwanted you. they say you have to keep the mystery sometimes, and keep the adventure adrenaline high. but not too high, you might tire the people around you. and not too low, you might bore them. but keeping up with others also tires you. drains you. can't they be with you for who you are? or by simply being who you are is what's driving them away?

but sometimes i think it is not entirely you who's to blame. you've just been lucky to be around people who are simply mean. believe me, there are people who are experts to make you feel unwanted. i do not know if they do this on purpose, or if their meanness is simply their life's purpose to maintain some cosmic balance in this earth. and they might even be unaware of this vile act. i am simply lucky enough to get a chance to bump into them once in a while in the significant periods of my life.

i don't really blame the mean people that i've crossed paths with cause maybe that's how life should work for me. i know i feel this way since i allow myself to be. i obscure myself in my unwanted world and be my own island. i know it's a coward's attempt to fight his insecurities. but it's a solace where i prefer to linger on. lonely, yet peaceful.

come as you are

i came upon the song "Come as you are", popularized by Nirvana. I do not know what Kurt cobain was trying to say then. But for me, this song seems to be for someone you've been running away from or someone who is running away from you. and as i was digesting every lyric, i had a clear view then on whom this song should be played to in my life. Well, you know who you are when you read this (like in a million chances, you would).

here are some lines of the song:

Come
As you are
As I want you to be
As a friend
As a known memory

Take your time
Hurry up
The choice is your
Dont’ be late
Take a rest
As a friend
As a known memory

Come
Doused in mud
Cept in bleach
As I want you to be
As a trend
A a friend
As a known memory ah

And I swear
That I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun

------------------

** wondering what's with the picture?.. well, i think i was close to doing that had we(whom this song is for) crossed paths a year ago .. and good thing we didn't **

hot chocolate for the heart

i had a lazy morning today. i went in almost noontime at the office and i was dawdling before i could actually start something work-related. as i was about to be serious about work-stuff, i suddenly had a craving for a bite of chocolate. i had one before i left for work, but still had that craving an hour later. i wished i had just brought the chocolate bar with me to the office. and a few minutes later, i couldn't just get myself settled in if i didn't get my tastebuds appeased. So i went to the vending machine and bought me a cup of warm chocolate drink instead. But to my dismay, the vendo messed up and only gave me a cup with a single drop of what have been my warm chocolate drink! i just felt like i was about to cry. oh when things just don't work out the way you want them to! i know that the warm chocolate cup is so trivial but the feeling i had when i just saw the empty cup is tantamount to the feeling when my ex-boyfriend told me he couldn't go on with our wedding. believe me, the feeling was horribly similar!

as i walked back to my cube, with the empty cup in hand and with a heart that just got pinched, i saw a blue invitation flashing in front of my eyes as if shouting "Read me! Read me!". i knew then it was my officemate's wedding invite, so i asked him to hand it over immediately. As i looked through the pages of the invitation, it seemed that time just travelled back a year ago when i was looking at my own wedding invite that never reached through the intended recipients. looking at the empty cup and that familiar wedding invite was just too painful. well, both depressing incidents happened in just a few seconds from each other and i thought it was just unbearable that i thought i would cry that instant. but i don't want to be so dramatic about it so i had to fight back my tears.

then i remembered that as i passed by the church near our place on my way to the office, a wedding ceremony just ended and everyone was crowding at the church entrance seeing the newly weds get settled in the bridal car. Just by that scene, i said to myself that i thought i couldn't get through another wedding event after my "called off wedding" disaster last year. but just a month after, i was already attending my officemate's wedding. and that was not the only one that i went to last year and i was fine. i must have been tough then. But of course, i had to miss my sister's wedding, which i didn't mind at all, cause it would be too much having to bear with all of your relatives' meaningful glances. and the unmindful ones might ask me the question that i have been running away from for the past months. "I thought it was you who was about to get wed?". Duh!

these are just a few of the everyday things that i had to deal with when it comes to my past. yet sometimes it is unbelievable how simple things, like the empty cup incident, when being related to significant moments in your life, could just make you stop and think. how far have i actually grown? how tough have i really become? and then you realize you are not as tough as you think you are. but you have hidden your fears perfectly well, and dealt with everyone else in the most appropriate way that you should. so, that would probably do for now.