sablay

"‘Sang tama, sampung mali ganyan ako pumili
‘Di na mababawi ng puso kong sawi
Daig pa’ng telenobela kung ako ay magdrama
Ganyan ba talaga guhit ng aking tadhana"

when the song "Hari ng Sablay" by a local band (Sugarfree) was starting to get popular, my friends (ka-berks) have started calling me "Reyna ng sablay". (i didn't even know the meaning of the word then, and i couldn't get the closest english translation for it)

of course i disagreed with them. i can't make that many wrong decisions in my life to earn such title. can i? and i knew it was just a joke so i never really thought about how much truth there when they had my name attached to it.

however, just recently, i saw myself facing the consequences of some wrong decisions that i have made. t was okay if those decisions i came up with were of impulsive nature. but no. i had been thinking and rethinking about them, but in the end, i still end up making the wrong choices.

as i was wallowing with my frustrations with the wrong choice of coffee and food for my lunch (which I realized once they were served), i had concluded to myself that the feelings i am experiencing right now were not new at all. and it hits me, i've had made lots of wrong decisions in my life leading to my tons of misfortunes and there was no one else to blame but me.

if there were lessons to learn with all my misfortunes, i'd be making a saga out of it already. worse, most of them are not closely related to each other. therefore, i could not just easily apply my previous life lessons. they are always new and unrelated and sometimes i think when will i ever learn to make the right decisions? impulsive or well-thought decisions? it seems my calculations with life is most of the time wrong.

in fairness, sometimes each "sablay" i make accidentally leads to something good. but it is just frustrating to know that fact. and sad too. very sad.

i wonder if i will ever get out of this. or this is just another part of me that i am actually hating right now.

well, my only prayer now is for me to understand one wrong decision from the other and be grateful for whatever good that might come out of it and continue to learn from its consequences.