i don't wanna be lonely

my major emotions for the week: loniless and depression. not that i am really keeping track. but when everything around you is just as gloomy as this week's weather, it's really not that easy to neglect.

but then, i know it is not just this week. i think i have been lonely and depressed most of my life. but don't get me wrong here. i have a great family and wonderful friends. it's not the outside forces that is making me lonely. i think it seems rooted inside me.

i remembered a year in highschool when a teacher asked us to write an essay. it was the first one we had to make for that school year, and my essay was titled "When Depression Strikes". i can't forget that essay title. but then, i can't remember why i chose that topic either. i even had no idea then what the whole world was out there, living a quite sheltered life that i had, but i've already felt that! i remembered too picking out my favorite "break-up" songs, and singing them to my heart's content long before i got into my first relationship. and when i had my actual break-ups, i drowned myself in them. i remembered having a friend complain of reading my very lonely letters. i must have dragged him into my depression. (oh, poor guy!)

i think that i feel lonely more often because i choose to linger on this feeling. i kept asking myself "why am i like this?". but then you realize, you are not the only one who's lonely, empty, void, and depressed in this world. confessions on loneliness starts to fly into your lap out from nowhere. loneliness doesn't exist only in the songs i listen to, in the movies i watch, nor in the books i read. it's as real as the people i know.

i know eternal happy people would be shaking their heads while reading this, either of disbelief or pity. but they might agree if i say that loneliness could be just a choice. but in reality, it isn't much of a choice. really.

let's say people are lonely because they choose to be lonely. okay. but if there are so many lonely people in this world, does that mean that many people would rather be lonely, than be happy? it just doesn't sound right, right? why do we want to be lonely and feel all these sh*t inside us? who on their sane mind would want that? well, i am not an exception to this question. (so maybe i am not sane, but that's not the topic here).

is it just easier to be lonely, than to be happy? (warning to eternally happy people: keep your head-shakes to yourself). is it because loneliness seems more real an emotion than happiness is? is loneliness really more tangible? is it easier to be unlovable, than to feel loved at all?

or, is it because happiness is such a complicated emotion? so difficult to achieve, and yet, the easiest to fake. i say there are two kinds of happiness: one that's true, and one that's artificial. true and deep happiness is always a rare find. so much sacrifice. so much selflessness. but in the end, it's all so worth it. however, there is a large supply of artificial happiness in this world. it can be bought anywhere, anytime. it's so easy to have it at any cost you wish. but the more you acquire of this temporary happiness, the more hollow you become. and there's nowhere you are going, but to lonely-pitdom.

if it takes a camel to fit in a needle's eye to be truly happy, no wonder there are many people who lingers into the big pool of loneliness. i think i maybe even leisurely floating on that too, despite the occasional ropes that falls into my hands, wishing i'd one time have enough courage to pull it and have it get me out of where i am right now.

but many people also act the way i do, floating on this same pool. and why is that? well, maybe because this place has transformed into a big comfort zone for them. maybe because they even made friends in that same pool and are starting to enjoy each other's company (and are probably even dancing to the song "i don't wanna be lonely"). or maybe they are just too afraid to even try to think of getting out of it. or maybe because they once did try to grab that occasional rope, but when they were almost sure to get on the other side, they were only pushed back into the dark pit, by someone whom they thought was eternally happy, but was just actually faking it. and all their efforts became futile.

as for me, i too had my happy moments. i too had felt that peace. i too had felt loved. it doesn't mean that since i am at this mood, i will always be here for the rest of my life. i am just biding my time, with no intentions to drag anyone with me, of course. i am not sunk deep into that pool. as i said, i am just leisurely floating on it.