my little drama

there were several times that i have been so tempted to just delete this blog for many reasons. it's been four years that i have been ranting my heart out, and sometimes, disclosure wears you out too.
but it's just one of those habits that is difficult to kick out of you. it's a feeble attempt to keep my thoughts organized...they really have this tendency to get wild, y'know.

but then, i've been mum the past months. not only was i preoccupied with my ever-challenging work, but my life's little drama was quite difficult to keep up. i do not want to get into a teleserye mode, but i had to say that in those short months, i had to deal with loosing love, loosing a friend, and almost loosing myself.

i do get tired picking myself up each time i mess up. and yes, i had (emphasis on the past tense) entangled myself with another kind of mess. this time, it was the not-in-my-life-time-i-can-imagine kind. i had my friends' literally pop their eyes out in disbelief when i spilled the news. this explains the recent chronic restlessness - i was simply panicking for the nearest fire exit.

one of the realizations that hit me though is that .. am i not too old to keep running away? haven't i had been through enough hard times that i have not learned to face my problems, head on? why do i always see my life as something that's difficult to live? a friend asked, why do i invite misery in? the only answer i could think of at that instant was.. because i love basking in the pain? (i had to mentally give myself a big slap on the face to make me realize what i had just said)

seriously, i should have realized by now that i am all geared up to fight my weaknesses.

i have:
* my heart (the one who is always putting me in to trouble can also be a good weapon)
* my head (yes, i realize that logic has to be a part in these kinds of troubles)
and
* my faith (it's time i admit i'm no superwoman, i can't do this on my own. besides, my heart and head is nothing without my God)

... and of course, i have an army behind me, and they are my friends who patiently listened to my rants and rambles and whines and all other synonymous words you can think of. the more i get into trouble, the more i realize who my true friends are ... they are always the ones who are ready to share a bit of their strengths to keep my head up.. so, i'm shouting my thanks to all of you.

now, i need time to heal and forgive myself and i do not have to go anywhere this weekend to do that. besides, i have saved the next two weekends for two out-of-country trips already, so i do not mind staying put this time :D (OA na pag three consecutive weekends nako maglaag :X) ..

so what do i have to do to keep myself occupied tomorrow? the options are open to shopping, shopping and more shopping :D ... kidding! seriously, i do not mind if there's no specific plans. i do not have to be restless anymore. what matters is the peace that i am inviting in :)

i still do deserve to bask in sunshine, right?

(thank you Lord, i can't believe the number of second chances you are giving me)

chronic restlessness

if restlessness is a disease, i could be suffering a chronic one. i have blogged countless times about this restlessness, the itch to be somewhere other than here. and, i have always made myself believe that the only way that can make me still is to find someone, or something to anchor me.

but i was wrong. i think i'm wrong. i had never been so restless in my life as i am right now. not even the tons of work that has managed to make me sleepless the past months had done anything about the restlessness. rather, it had made me more restless than ever. i dream about places i'd like to travel. i plan on trips that i know i just do not have the luxury to indulge in. i have visited airline websites for the next available flights for the next best destinations and mentally justifying the splurge i am about to take. i have even checked what is the best weekend trip to make other than batam or bintan in indonesia, or malacca in malaysia (why not?). only if spending 1,000 sgd is justifiable, i would have booked a flight to chiang mai in thailand, or bali in indonesia. if only budget airlines offer a good weekend flight schedules to siem reap in cambodia, i would be taking pictures of angkor wat this weekend now. i will not even mind flying to nepal if only there are good deals for a weekend trip. but no matter how much i argue with myself and my bank account, 1,000 sgd for a weekend flight will never be reasonable. so, forget about the week long trip to los angeles with nats, or a visit to xavi in san diego, or a quick high to josh in seattle :(

sigh. will this restlessness ever stop?

the thought of even finding the thing that would stop the wanderlust in me scares me right now. so, is my problem really that i can not be still? or, i do not want to be still? if i have this much passion about traveling, then what am i freaking doing in this job that traps me in the corners of my freaking cubicle? okay, so i get some travel perks, that should make me happy. it does actually, and i can not almost contain myself when there are plans for the next business trips. :)

now, why am i ranting about these? lately, i got the chance to know people who are just amazingly content about where they are right now and what they are doing and i can not find an ounce of that contentment in me that i am really indeed almost convince i am suffering a chronic disease of restlessness.

is it too late to believe this is just a phase? it is just a phase. yes, this is just a phase. it's a phase! .... :x

a new world for me

what's with this world today
it is spinning in the opposite direction
my hands are trembling
cause i can not find my core, no
i can not find my core

what's with my world today
i am guided to the opposite direction
someone's holding my hand
and it feels like home, yes
it does feel like home

what's up with the world today
blowing kisses in all directions
butterflies in my hands
all these will just fade, indeed
all these will fade

this new world
it's not for me
you're not for me

the unbalanced life

inactivity can only be brought about by undisturbed immersion with work or other senseless stuffs that is most often than not accompanied by impulsive splurges or intoxication with alcohol. though i'd rather want to be preoccupied with the senseless stuffs, i'm afraid to say that it's the former, really, that has robbed me off my me-time. and i hear myself screaming, "i need a life!" behind my desk.

even if i wanted a year where i wish i could concentrate on my career for the lack of life out of it, i have desperately indulged in senseless stuffs. i guess i am putting so much energy on that since i often find my unsteady butt kicking me off my seat despite work. to prove this, i ventured on scuba diving thinking that i would make a hobby out of it. but before i could even make a plan for my first dive trip (kasi naman wala akong kasama!)or buy my own mask and snorkel, i found myself island-hopping in phuket, and planning trips to bali! and even before i could check flight schedules to start on my trip to bali, i have enrolled myself in a gym and got me a personal trainor. just thinking about how much i've splurged for it makes me wonder how shallow i've become, or rather, how shallow i've always been and it makes me so freaking guilty. maybe i am at a point where enough is enough for me?

then i came upon an article, love in the time of migration, written by Randy David, which is totally unrelated to what i'm ranting about right now. he simply quoted a sociologist which just hit me rock bottom about all this that i'm going through. it said, "“Roughly speaking, one loves not because one wants gifts, but because one wants their meaning.” .. and there's no need to elaborate on that.

touching base and moving forward

i've been wondering why i am keeping an average of almost one blog per month this year. it's not that i have stopped fighting my demons (this never fails to motivate me to rant endlessly). however, when there is too much that's going on in and out of your mind, it's either you ramble a lot of nonsense, or you are simply at loss of words. i think i am suffering from the latter.

i do not want to go back though to what the past few days were like for me. the past year, i have more than enough emotional roller coaster than i could ask for in a life time. seriously, i am tired about all this. though surprisingly, i can move on so easily now - heart ache after heart ache. life's like this and life goes on :)

so, despite the uncertainty of what the future's gonna be, there's at least one thing that i am certain about - i'll be staying for at least another year in singapore. and for the first time, i am having so many plans in this one year. i have not really explored this island so much, simply out of disinterest, despite all its beauty. now i am realizing i have been wasting weekends in this country for the past two years when there's so much more to do and places to explore besides the shopping malls (finally, these shops have lost their charm ... as long as i can keep myself as far away from them).

but as a friend said, exploring a place alone is a sad thing - for there's no one you can share the experience with. i know there's truth in that. but i just do not want to focus on the 'going alone' part of my plans. so, anyone who thinks exploring singapore is your kind of fun, there's more than enough seats in the bus for you. sakay na! :D

life's like this

i was supposed to write a detailed account on my three week vacation - 10 days in vietnam, 1 day in singapore and another 10 days in bohol. but then, the momentum is already off and i could not anymore find the mood to remember all that happened in those three weeks. so instead, i'm letting the pictures speak for themselves. at least for my vietnam trip.

i didnt go anywhere while i was in bohol, except that i was in the beach almost everyday to try my luck in scuba diving. it's a pretty exciting experience though and i could not wait for my first dive outside the course. that will be in the near future if the malaysian island getaway that we planned for next week will push through (i'm crossing my fingers).

but then, vacation's over and here i am staying up late in the office. i can see the upcoming days to be any less different. ever since i assumed a new role at work, and decided that i will be staying in singapore for at least another year, i can see myself getting more and more involved with work and simply let my social life and possibilities of relationships (yes, i'm optimistic) suffer. however, i am ready to accept that fate. i'm just afraid to admit that work is just one of the places where i feel so stable and i can get things done the way i want them to be. but outside of it, there's just too much uncertainty and fear, and i feel my life's just a mess.

missing the melodramatic self

i've been a sleepy head since i got back from my business trip. i think i am simply trying to regain back the sleep-deprived nights from the past months. all i did last weekend was sleep. my bed is getting too comfy, that it surely missed me :p

it's just been a week, and it seemed i have been away for ages. but picking up where i left off definitely does not require that much fuss. i tried to keep the weeknights busy by spending dinner with friends. it feels good to be simply around people you can be yourself with. :D

i was trying to contemplate once again how my life's been going, and where is it heading as i find myself in another crossroad. the never ending decisions that one has to make! it's tiring! but this comes with age (i'm undeniably getting old). if only we can simply just toss a coin in every decision without thinking of the what-if's, or the consequences involved. but we're logical human beings, and we do not simply blindly follow the red lights flashing that says "choose me", even if it is to our utmost desire that we want to. we have to make a logical decision. i have made a decision and i think it's logical :D i only need the courage and strength to believe that i can actually defend and stand up against this decision. i am making the big leap, the big leap of ... staying.

but well, before i do my big leap and that is if i still have my job after three weeks, i'm taking a long break. i hope i get to do the things i want to do, and i do hope this will definitely be a "break" in the truest sense of the word. i just hope this do not end up with me, broken. *sigh*

i know i am not making sense, but i do miss my melodramatic self. i guess pouring my heart out, for the web to feast on is a hard habit to break, huh? :D

on another note, my current mood can be best describe by this statement: "life is indeed a box of chocolates, mine's a liqueur filled, dark one."