loving my crossroads .. not

i think i have this habit of putting myself in the middle of a crossroad. i just got myself out from an emotional rollercoaster, and i am in the process of healing and moving on, and shutting those voices at the back of my head. now, i've put myself once again in a dilemma.

i remembered writing about how stressed i was as a c++ developer almost a year ago, which lead me to take the road less travelled, and ended up with this totally non-c++ related job. i was struggling with the adjustments, and i've lost all the confidence i had gained from my past work experiences. it all boiled down to how easily one can adopt to change - and it seems i'm not so good at that.

now, i wanted to take that familiar road once again and searched for the job that i once had confidence on. i didn't realize the seven months would make me forget the knowledge i've gained in the past six years. i almost forgot how to declare a c++ class, which i find really, really sad and pathetic. it just proved one point - instead of going uphill, i am deteriorating.

then an opportunity came knocking at my door. i got excited with the new challenges served in silver platter. i can't wait to put on my old sneakers and get back on the familiar track. i can see myself doing my stretches as i feel the adrenalin rushing in once again.

but before i could go anywhere, i realized that no good offer comes without a catch. this new job asks for me to stay for a year more. that is enough to make my excitement fall down. i already have plans set for next year. i don't know if i can still twist it and stretch it just to give in to this new opportunity.

some say i should grab this opportunity because there is a lot to gain, technically - which is what i really need right now. some say, i should just avoid all the troubles if i change jobs now and just stay put and ... wait. *gulp* i've done so much waiting already.

but what does my heart say? *listen intently* ... nothing. *sigh*

i know i should discern on this properly, but time is a luxury i can't afford. if only i could toss a coin to know what road to take.