the party guest

i was debating inside if i should show up at the party. i know i should not go if he was the only reason to be there. i barely know anybody else. none of my friends are going. yes, there would be a few familiar faces, but that's all they would be. i'd surely end up standing in a dark corner and enjoy my champaigne - alone. great. well, unless he joins me.

is he even expecting me to be there in the first place? there's only one way to find out.

"hi. what time is the party starting?" i sent him that sms even if we talked about it already yesterday.

beep. "it's just about to start. some of the guests have arrived. where are you?", came the reply a few seconds later.

he's expecting me. i guess i'm going then. i straightened up my dress, checked on my makeup and took the first taxi that passed by.

it took a while for me to reach the place, i almost told the taxi driver to turn back. what am i being so fretful for? it's just him. he's just some other guy. no big deal.

the taxi then pulled over. this is it. i got off the cab, closed my eyes, took one deep breath and told myself that this is going to be okay. i then clutched on my blue satin purse as i dry up my sweaty palms and headed for the door.

ding dong. someone was attentive and fast enough to open the door for me leaving me no room to change my mind at the last minute. there was no backing out now. i smiled my sweetest to the person who opened up and looked around. cocktails were already served. it would be a while before the buffet starts. shoot, now i have to mingle with the other guests. this is what i don't like about big parties. i have to force a smile and look for a familiar face. i am not a natural at this, it almost always feels like a job to socialize.

this is one reason why i'd rather have small, and intimate parties with close friends. but what close friends? ever since i moved here, i have only four of them and all are living under the same roof with me. there goes my only social circle.

okay, where could he be? i looked around and found him talking with some friends. even if i only saw his back, he's pretty easy to recognize with his tall, lean built. there's also something in him that never fails to attract me even if he'd be standing in the farthest corner of the room. i haven't quite figure it out though.

he looked very comfortable standing there, one hand holding a glass of champaigne, the other in an animated gesture. his friends were laughing with whatever he was telling them. i guess it's okay to approach and say hi now.

i made my way through the crowd as i approached him. when his conversation with his friends started to tone down, i tapped him gently at the back. he turned around and seemed surprised (or delighted?) to see me. his friends then started to leave us like they read my silent cue.

"hi, it's nice that you came.", he said in that sweet tone while he extended his hand. i gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. he seemed delighted after all.

"yeah, i had nothing else to do for the night, so i just thought it would be cool to show up.", i wish my voice didn't crack a bit.

"i think it's cool", he smiled back. his smile was just the sweetest, i felt like melting. i hope i didn't blush too obviously. but deep inside my mind, whatever it is that i am feeling is all wrong.

"you seem to have a lot of entertaining to do.", i immediately quipped, afraid that an awkward silence would come in between. he might notice i'm all fidgety deep inside.

"yes, Stella's been counting on me with making her guests feel comfortable. i didn't expect she'd invited so many people. if you're looking for her, she's by the pool, by the way."

"of course, why else would i miss greeting the celebrant. i also have something for her".

"that's sweet of you. so, i'll see you around then. enjoy yourself."

i could only smile back. i excused myself and headed out to the pool to greet his wife. he immediately got back to entertaining the other guests.

that moment on, everything was just blurry. i wish the carpet would just eat me alive, right there and then. but it didn't. i have to do my job as the good party guest.

the evening carried on perfectly. i could see people genuinely enjoying themselves. i managed to isolate myself as i sit alone in a corner, as i expected it would be. he didn't join me, of course. i never bumped into him again for the rest of the night.

if i leave the party now, no one won't even notice.

i always feel the loneliest when i'm in a middle of a crowd of strangers. i'd rather lock myself in my room, or watch a movie on my own. i'd rather have a meal by myself, than feel so out of place with a group of people who are totally clueless of your own desperation.

so i left the party and decided to take the bus ride home.

time's my only dear friend now. he's aware that there are things that i need to ponder on.
what was i seriously thinking that would happen at the party? i could only give myself a smile as i shake my head in disbelief that i've actually thought he'd give me a second look. it's about time i stop thinking about such absurdities. it's about time to move on.

the reason why i enjoy long bus rides, is that i get a sense of comfort from it. even if it's just the driver and me in that big bus, i don't feel a bit lonely. not at all.