i know i was not being myself lately. my actions of recent have been inexcusable, unjustifiable, and definitely unimaginable. i was only trying to escape from my own truths, that i didn't know i was loosing my senses slowly and slowly.
i have to get my ground back, as i had been saying. but i wasn't so successful in staying afloat in my dreamland. i could not simply deny that something has been dragging me down to my pits and it has caused me unnecessary worries, to the point that i was on the brink of experiencing a mild heart attack. seriously, i was reading about its symptoms and i was experiencing all of it! i'm not exaggerating, but i know it sounds that i am. so maybe i am, just so that you won't worry much, cuz i'm fine now.
okay, so where was i? i survived my mild heart attack. i did the leap. i crossed the bridge. i conquered my fears. i climbed the Everest. hehehe. seriously, i faced the truths that i've been escaping from for weeks already. i finally mustered the courage to open up to what i truly feel even if it could hurt the person i cared so much about. there are things that you just have to do for the hope of being a better person (as what paolo coelho would most likely say in a more poetic manner ofcourse).
having a people-pleaser personality, hurting others would be one of the most difficult things to do. believe me, it is. it's usually the last resort one will choose when faced with several options no matter how drastic they are. people-pleasers think they could carry all the pain. i thought i could carry all the pain. but that would never solve my problem. i had to get some load off from being responsible of how other people would feel from my actions if i want to get out of the predicament that i was in.
it hurt like hell to see someone so dear to you get hurt. but it breaks your heart more when you are the one responsible of the hurting. accepting that you have lied and betrayed someone is never easy. but that is the only way to let the truth out.
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