my heart's content

jason sent me an sms two days ago about making plans for my birthday. suddenly, i found myself not knowing what to reply. i don't really feel comfortable about making plans on that day of the year. i can make plans for other people's birthday or any celebration for that matter without sweat, but i can't feel the same excitement when it's about planning for my birthday.

i need to be pushed by friends to celebrate my birthday. it's not that i am not thankful for birthdays. i indeed am, really, seriously thankful. but i am really not comfortable planning about how to celebrate it without that much pressing on. so i really thought these would be just one of those birthdays where i'd let the day pass. then, when i become comfortable thinking about how to spend it with friends, in a day or two, i'd come up of a way to celebrate it.

then, monday came, that's two days before my birthday, greetings already came flying. but not because they just wanted to greet me in advance, rather, they mistook me for another liz who's celebrating also their birthdays on successive dates as mine - the 3rd, and 4th. how coincidental is that? there must be something about march and my name. now, i can't help wonder about how my mother came up with the name. all the while, i was thinking she just picked it up randomly, when i was secretly wishing my name would be elizabeth. but that's another story.

so i've been receiving very very early greetings, and apologies for those who mistook me as the other liz on their friends list :D despite that, i realized my social circle has really grown. thanks to the great people i met in sfc :)

back to jason's message about making a plan, tuesday came, and i still don't have plans. i was close to asking him to have dinner with me if i could not think of something. however, i'm learning to wait these days. maybe, there'll be plans later. i don't need to rush. (sorry bro, naging back up plan kita! haha! but i know you won't mind for you are such a great friend :p).. besides, i have a movie date with my household that day, so i'll just focus on that first. maybe, something in the movie would influence me on how i should spend my birthday. :D

however, to my utmost surprise.. the movie date was just a front. these girls from my household actually planned on a pre-birthday dinner for me.. with a really, really cute gift, and balloons! oh, and a cake and a candle too :D it's only in singapore that i really have these surprises on my birthdays.. and i just got one of the best on my third birthday here. well, too bad i wasn't a crybaby, para complete ang drama! haha. but i guess with the big big smile i was wearing the whole night, i bet it wasn't difficult for them to be convinced how happy they made me. everything was just simply overwhelming..thanks guys! thanks for the wishes too.. :)

now, the big day has come.. and i don't need to make plans. the roseville gurls and friends, are organizing a dinner for me.. yey! my family back in the philippines may not be here physically, but they have never failed to show me their love. and with all these, my family, my friends, my crossroads, i feel the abundance of my blessings. for this, may God be praised!

bubbly over hearts day

ever since i've broken off the last string of attachment, i've tried to change tunes in my iPod. however, in the wee hours of the hearts day, i couldn't help but miss the old familiar tunes of colbie caillat and corinne bailey rae that i've grown to love the past months. probably because there's so much in the lyrics of their songs that hit me at the right spot these days.

the past days, i've been trying to ignore people who are just making a big fuss about the upcoming hearts day. this week, two friends have cried out to me the words i have been deaf to... 'i so want to fall in love'..

well, before you think i've gone cold or bitter about romantic love.. i do want to fall in love still... and i'm still on search for my greatest love ever.. however, i simply don't feel the need to be in love right now. let's say i've just had enough of falling in and out of love the past year, that i want to celebrate my being single this hearts day. i'm already so full of how things are going on with my life right now, how should that not be enough?

i just wonder how we got to make being single on the hearts day sound so pathetic? must be all the commercialism .. but really, come to think of it.. there's nothing desperate or pathetic about that. to recall my past celebrations of the hearts day, not a bouquet of red roses, or a box of chocolates could beat the best hearts day that i had.. where ri, nats and i, tried to roam around manila to look for a great place to have dinner.. we were two blocks away from the bombing of a bus near sm makati mrt station.. we walked down a stairway filled with candle lights, and entered a hotel lobby (was it at manila pen??), filled with couples on their romantic dates, as we were in our most bitter single selves.. (just imagine what we were going through by simply walking on that staircase) but then, we ended up enjoying the rest of the memorable night at the UP fair. you see, it's not about what you get to receive from a loved one, but how you get to spend this day that really matters...whether it be with your lovey-dovey or your best single pals.

janeth and i have celebrated the eve of hearts day, in the most impulsive way that we can think of.. we just bought what could be our most expensive buys to date.. which i would like to blog about separately.. then, we both enjoyed some great music at timbre bar, which has an exquisitely great view of the boat quay, over a bottle of wine, baked mussels, bacon wrapped prawns, and four cheese pizza. well, we weren't really hungry and we didn't get drunk at all before midnight. yeah right!

well.. we were not trying to appear desperate... a bottle of wine was just cheaper over two glasses of our favorite cocktails..so why not get a bottle of wine instead? hehehe.. besides, there were lots that we toasted on over the hearts day.. as much as i would like to remember what they were.. all i could recall are :

cheers to the men who came into our lives, who webbed colorful threads, and somehow, made some portions in our lives worth retelling :D

cheers to all the bitterness gone .. (really, they should have been down the drain a long time ago, but basking on them do serve the lessons that we have learned .. and still should learn)

cheers to the exciting year that's to come .. (we never know how this year would turn out, most specially when you're single..)

cheers to a happy life.. and how we should be luvin it. (hehehe must be the alcohol, but i did try to convince janeth that i'm just happy right now, and i can't find the words to defend it)

so.. happy hearts day everyone!

post c.n.y. blues

i can't believe the four-day weekend is over.

gawd..how these four days have gone by so quickly and how things have turned out so .. so ... darn unexpectedly! i am back at the moment where i would catch myself laying down in bed and think... WHAT THE HECK DID I PUT MYSELF INTO????? don't you just wish that sometimes we didn't do what we just did, and that we can forget the things that just happened.. and everything else was just a bad dream??

a few days ago, i was dusting off stardusts.. i was seriously looking forward for a fresh start and i am supposed to be happy now and finally be just content. but then, i have to screw everything up. it is my free-spirited, and a-little-bit-of-a-biatch (haha di pa gyud mu-angkon na full pledge :p) side of me that's got to blame for that. sometimes i really wonder why do i have so much carefree attitude that i always fail to think of the consequences of my own actions? it's too cowardly, and too immature.

sometimes, i just never learn. hayy .. kanindut duklon! i really do need to learn to pick myself up this time.

i know it's always never too late to make right the things we did wrong. however, the more important thing that we too have to keep in mind is that we should not waste our second-chance's.

exhausted

i just feel so exhausted today. it's like i am going to be really really sick or i am just simply imagining things because i'm definitely, definitely, just tired.

one misconception that i have for the year ahead was that i thought this year would be the year of opportunities and i must meet them with high spirits as i try to grab each one that comes along. however, with the things that has been going about, i have learned that to be able to move forward, i have to learn and practice to wait.

i have written about this waiting thing already, and it's been just less than a week and i say it's not easy. patience is indeed a virtue i do not possess. then i came across this video from charming's blog, and i say it hit me on the spot.

"You gotta slow down your life or you’re gonna be dead.” :D

so, how do i start?

dusting off those stardusts

so, i didnt get to say what i wanted to say. i just sat there, looking back at you, wishing my eyes didn't betray how my heart felt at that instant. you smiled, then i just smiled back filling in the awkward silence. it was kinda funny actually, being there with you at that moment. we were both in a situation where we know that words would be unnecessary. some things are simply better kept unknown, they won't make much of a difference anyways. so why bother?

i don't think i am really good with goodbyes. and if that would be the last time that i will get to see you, then at least i have more happy memories to look back to. you had me swoon in your arms and made me last through the holidays without being nostalgic. you were lots of things to me despite it all. you came like the knight in shining armor. then just before you had to go, you taught me how to fight my fears. you were the angel who showed me how to fly (though i know you don't actually believe in that). it is simply sad to let you go so easily like that - a simple shrug on my shoulder and you were gone.

my mind and my heart are so full of contradictions right now. i know i have all the right to be mad. but i also have the right to be happy. i choose 'happy'. i know i will be happier that things ended the way it just did. this broken feeling that's consuming me right now is simply temporary. it will be over soon.

a fresh start

today is officially the first day where i trudge down the road to making things right. no matter how heart-wrenching were the decisions that i had to make, i know it's all for my own good.

i am starting clean. i have cleared out the obstructions that would only sway me away from my real goals. then, i have to learn to be patient this month. there's gonna be lots of waiting this february. hopefully, things would start moving come march.

ja, ganbatte!

great expectations

i know it happens most of the time where our own actions lead people to the wrong conclusions. sometimes, we get too unaware of what we're doing that we do not mind how people really see our intentions. but most of the time, not minding is the only way to do it because we couldn't really care less how people see through our own gestures as long as we know what we are up to.

if we get too conscious about how we behave, what we say, we end up actually doing things or saying things that we don't intend to. well, that has been my case anyways. in cases like this, i have the tendency to get too uptight that i end up saying things that i don't really mean. that's why i stopped minding (if i can help it).

now, it is not most of the time though that somebody comes to you and tell you about what they think of you. then you get into a situation where you are simply left surprised and betrayed at the same time from the conclusions drawn. there were just too many mixed signals in the air and we're left helpless and hurt because we have just been judged wrongly.

i think this is just a result of people having too many expectations. sometimes, really, before drawing lines in a relationship, things should be clear of what to expect and what not to expect... however, that looses the essence of knowing someone because you simply would know when to not get too close. however too, it could work the other way around. you could make it work to your advantage if you don't expect anything from anyone at all.

i don't know if i am really making sense here.. but well, it really is simply frustrating when you're so over with these expectations, someone gets to you and say you're having too many of them. geez.