back to blogging

something must have happened that i have just lost the interest to write down my notes. my journals are probably now getting comfy with the dusts. maybe i just grew tired from writing too much about what my feelings were then. or simply i just detached myself from me, if that's even possible. probably was. but for the record, that could have been the best thing to do at that time. i was this duckling, swamped and could not find shelter from the rain. i simply was just lost. what can you write when you do not even know what you feel exactly?

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i've just spent an amazing weekend at st. john's monastery. i didnt realize that by simply being around with people with so much positive aura could lift up your burried misery and disappointments. i was with the brothers and sisters of the st. john's community and simply spending a few days with them, i've seen some silver linings on my life when i thought would just be grey. they've taught me to deepen my faith. my only challenge now is to be able to keep that fire burning.

on my four days there, i've come to think about the things that have been troubling me. i've discarded those troubles for some time since i thought that by simply not thinking about them, i'd be just fine. i was wrong. i know i have to do something about it inorder to move on.

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first thing, deal with kf. i know things are way over between us. but somehow my stubborn head won't get any of it unless he'd really say something about it. worst thing someone could do to you is leave you hanging in some thin air. and that's what he did. to be able to finally let my hands free, i had to write him a letter asking for the last time about us. i was hoping he'd write me back, but he didnt. he answered by changing his friendster status to single, and deleting my testimonial of him. i guess that's the best answer i can get from him. though i can't explain this funny feeling inside, i'm just glad he responded the way he did.

Well, i'm letting go now.

dear heart,

"Be still my heart

Lately its mind is on it's own

It would go far and wide

Just to be near you.."

remember that song before? remember how much you get so excited and happy when you hear that song? well, those were the younger days then. when both of us were just so naive and i was hearing you for the first time. i was yet so eager to listen to what you have to say.

but right now, i so much want to tell you to be still. i know you would want to be near him. i could just remember how confusingly at peace you were when he is around. i've noticed you were never that at peace for the longest time. you didn't have any hesitations on how you would want yourself to be. you were just simply happy. i was so glad to see you flowing with life. i know that you have so much to give and to stop you would be so selfish of me. it was the right moment. we both knew that.

but that was just it. i just can't let you be on your own. not anymore, or rather not for now. i am sorry but i just have to keep you first. it's not that i am being selfish, or disapproving. i am just plainly being logical. you need that sometimes. there are just some things that both of us have to do before i let you on your own again.

we both have to heal. most specially you. there are things i have to forget. there are things you have to learn.

don't give up..just yet

i've been having lazy mornings ever since i moved in to this new place. i could barely get up at around 9 am in the morning. or i just lack a lot of motivation to go early to work. but when i do get at the office, i get so busy. or should i say, i try hard to be busy. i dont want to think about things that i know would just make me dawdle. if possible i dont want to be too preoccupied with my relationship problems. coz technically, i am involved with one one guy. but physically and emotionally, there's no one. how did i get myself into that? would have been a lot better if it were otherwise, right?

everytime i want to officially quit in my quasi-relationships, i get messages saying 'don't give up just yet'. are these messages for my "relationships", or is it for my work. coz i do badly want to give up on both. i want to start off new. take a month long leave. breath new air. see new people. meet up with strangers.

i can't wait to see great things ahead of me. what kind of determination should i keep? on what should i put my faith into? what should be my main focus in this life? i promised myself that this year would be for my career. but could i really focus on that and neglecting my relationships with friends and family? could i really get on board this journey all by myself? i can't think of an answer. but if i am really bound for this, then i guess i have no choice but pick up my heels and go where i should go. right?

ctrl-alt-delete

bad luck. i've been sitting in front of this computer for almost an hour and i've written more than a weekend's daily events. and just by a press of a few keyboard keys, everything just got deleted. zilch. nothing left. and i've poured my heart out, and now, i can't go back to what i had written. @#$#W$#@$#$@#$#@ is all i can say.

now, i can't even care to list my weekend's worth of horoscopes. insights that makes me think and rethink about how i try to see each day.

i could cry from bad luck.

enough.

a new place, a new life, new outlook

kf and i are, i guess, fine. we've managed to settle what needs to be settled, i hope so. well, i've had made some drama in my life and that probably was just a one of it. but i just hope it will stick that way for a far longer time.

the past few days has been tough at work. i always end up stressed at night when i get home. plus, i just moved in to this new apartment last weekend. it was tough without that much help with the packing and unpacking of all my stuffs. but i had a great deal of sorting of my things. i have identified some things that are just about time for me to throw, or to give away, and the things that are just for keeps.

i love my new place. it is smaller, yet very cozy. i guess i am going to be fine here.

my mind is not working right now. i have to think less about things that bother me. i have to learn to detach.

new year.. new blog

i've decided to create a new blog for me. this time, i just want to write down as carefree as i can. hopefully jot down the lessons life could teach and somehow, check on how much i have learned. to start, i've learned today that we could never keep anyone. and we could never hold on to anyone most specially those who are a thousand miles away, unless, they themselves would come home to you. so right now, long distance relationship is and will always be a big no-no. experience has taught me well. i just hope i wont be so stubborn the next time.

stay

"Stay."

I just asked somebody what he wants from me at this moment, all he said was this four-letter word, which short as it is.. sounds so heavy.

my training here in atlanta is about to end.. and i am going back to cebu in a few days. i keep saying to others that i can't wait to go back since i miss my family and friends. well, that's true. but a part of me also wants to stay.i know my stay here is just short, but i have learned to love this place. though i know my reason for me stay is more than just the place.

it just feels so sad to have to let go of something that you have become comfortable with and has started to love. but there is nothing i could do about it but just wish that i could come back here. this country will always hold something memorable for me. it freed my mind and gave me closure from the life that i left in cebu.. it freed my heart, and taught me how to love without fear.
i am just afraid that when i get back to cebu, things would go on as they had been. that my world will continue to rotate in an empty spin. that the lessons in life that i've learned out here be forgotten.

but i could also look at it in another way.. when i get home to cebu, i make it my everyday goal to come back here and be able to stay longer.

right now, i just want to follow where my heart is. and my heart wants to stay.