sunglasses

as i saw the trace of sunrise in our small cottage at the island in the sky resort last sunday morning, i remembered that i didnt have my new sunglasses with me. i left it with my brother. but didn't really quite care coz i never really liked that pair anyway.

i thought about my old sunglasses, and realized how much i missed it since it wasn't only a good buy, but was the best that i had and might be irreplaceable. had i took care of it, i probably must still have had it on that trip.

well, i broke my favorite sunglasses when i attended a retreat at St. John's monastery almost three weeks ago. a temple broke as i pulled it out from my bag hurriedly. and i must admit, i did it carelessly. so it was totally my fault.

you see, it isn't the first time that i had broken a pair of sunglasses. the first one, i really took care of it since it was the first that i had and bought it from my own money. It was kind of fragile so, it got broken in the long run.

my the second pair of sunglasses, was durable enough, so i just carelessly dump it in my bag. and didnt easily quite break. well, it sticked with me for a time so i thought it wud never break. but it eventually gave up on me. just with that one careless pull from my bag.

the day before we were to have our company's beach party, i was in pursuit for a new pair of sunglasses. i didnt have much time and i was about to splurge a big amount of money for a pair of sunglasses that isn't really my type but was the best the store could offer. the good thing is, i was able to stop myself from buying it. then i searched more in another mall, and finally settled for a pair which wasn't really expensive, but isn't also good enough. it was just the best that i could find, and it kinda fitted my fancy for the moment. but, that proved to be a wrong decision. cause now, i dont really like it that much anymore. i missed my old sunglasses!

as i was thinking about the loss, i realized that my sunglasses and my relationships have some things in common. with my first relationship, i tried to hold on too much on it, but it was just too fragile. like no matter what effort i give to save it, it was just bound to fail. and it did. i was devastated when that happened, and i thought i cud never find someone else. but i did. and he was sweet and kind and somehow, he showed me that i am worth so much. he compliments me. but i didnt qive quite much importance in the relationship in the beginning. but i was confident then that it won't fail this time. but i guess with my treatment, i've let it slip away. and i was too late. i was being careless. and i look back to what i've lost with remorse. there are just things in life that we only realize their worth once they are gone.

my second pair of sunglasses might be irreplaceable, but this time i wouldn't get a new pair in such a haste and settle with what's available. but i can't promise that my next buy would be it. i might make some wrong choices in the future, but i still believe that i'd still find the right sunglasses in time. and when i do, i'd surely take care of it, and hopefully it won't give up on me anymore.

island in the sky

my friends and i went to the "Island in the Sky" mountain resort in Ga-as, Balamban, Cebu last weekend. None of us have been to the place but we've heard about it and seen some pictures on the net. That's why we checked it out ourselves.

The place wasn't so difficult to find as it was just along the road. When we got there, we didn't get a guest's welcome. There were no closed cottages around, and to our dismay, there was no pool. If the mountain view wasn't breathtaking, and the hanging bridge as exciting, and the owner kind-hearted enough, the whole place could have been just a humdrum. But then we were able to cope with our disappointments since our pictures looked so great and the group was just so game, that we all forgot what we were missing and focused on how to have a great time.. and we surely did.

full house

i expected to be asleep most of the day last sunday, but i woke up around noon since i was starving! i should have eaten before i slept and i would have had a better nap. my roommie and i opted to watch the korean telenovela that we had been just so crazy about. we had a "Full House" marathon that day. and by the end of the day, our eyes were all misty and swollen from too much crying. i wasnt sure though why i was crying. was it because i could truly relate to the what the lead actress was feeling everytime she suffered for the name of love? or was it because i envy her for receiving all the affection of the very good looking lead actor and wished that happened to me too?

there was a time in my life not too long ago where i got devoid of emotions. probably that was with too much emotional turmoil that i was into that i just got numb. i know i should have spent nights crying. but to my surprise, i just couldn't. no tears would fall, and i've never felt so detached from myself. i guess it was more of a coping mechanism for me to go through my ordeal that time. but i knew i just had to cry or else i'd continue to carry a heavy heart each day. and moving on and letting go would have been less difficult as it was.

just to be able to let my feelings out, i watched mushy love stories. i know i'd be bitter watching them for sure i'd just end up crying at the most romantic scenes. and once i start that, i couldn't control the tears and i'd be sobbing the whole night. my favorite then was Friend's episode on phoebie's (lisa kudrow) wedding, which was somewhere in season 10. and whenever i feel like crying, i'd just get that Friends cd and before the episode even ends, i'd be crying my heart out. i'd cry like a child who just lost her mom in the middle of a big crowd. yes, i'd cry like a baby. but after such a good cry, i'd feel tons better.

the beach bums and jamaican nights

our company decided to celebrate its 1 year anniversary by the beach. i should say it was a simple celebration, not really grand, but everybody had fun. what would a grand place do if there ain't not enough food for everyone? well, that saturday's celebration was surely a feast :) there were even more lechon ribs that i could manage to munch on (yummy!).

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some of us went to party for the jamaican nights later that evening. i thought i won't be able to join this one, but knowing there'd be a lot of my friends going, i just couldn't resist it. :) i was glad that i did though since we surely had a blast. but i had to not mind my insecurities that i get when going to these kind of events. well, with all the thin women clad in bikinis, who wudn't be when u know u couldn't just wear one. makes me want to be thin for the next jamaican nights! hehe.

but who wud mind much about those women when there's also a fair share of gorgeous hunks. ok, it is really not a fair share. there are just a few hunks around, and all of them are with their also-sexy, thin, pretty girlfriends. makes me want to be thin, twice as much this time.

i know most men would disagree with me. but i think the whole bikini open and lingerie fashion show should have been cut short, and the reggae bands should have played three sets :) well, the fashion show and the bikini open was quite a drag when people go there to party. it would probably have helped if they got lesser gay looking models or contestants on the bikini open. i literally had to sit down on the sand as my feet was aching from standing among the sweat-drenched boys ogling at the female contestants and the models. but it was funny seeing the men's reaction and how much unappreciative they were with the male bikini open contestants and models.

i already got home around 5 am early morning the following day.

back to blogging

something must have happened that i have just lost the interest to write down my notes. my journals are probably now getting comfy with the dusts. maybe i just grew tired from writing too much about what my feelings were then. or simply i just detached myself from me, if that's even possible. probably was. but for the record, that could have been the best thing to do at that time. i was this duckling, swamped and could not find shelter from the rain. i simply was just lost. what can you write when you do not even know what you feel exactly?

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i've just spent an amazing weekend at st. john's monastery. i didnt realize that by simply being around with people with so much positive aura could lift up your burried misery and disappointments. i was with the brothers and sisters of the st. john's community and simply spending a few days with them, i've seen some silver linings on my life when i thought would just be grey. they've taught me to deepen my faith. my only challenge now is to be able to keep that fire burning.

on my four days there, i've come to think about the things that have been troubling me. i've discarded those troubles for some time since i thought that by simply not thinking about them, i'd be just fine. i was wrong. i know i have to do something about it inorder to move on.

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first thing, deal with kf. i know things are way over between us. but somehow my stubborn head won't get any of it unless he'd really say something about it. worst thing someone could do to you is leave you hanging in some thin air. and that's what he did. to be able to finally let my hands free, i had to write him a letter asking for the last time about us. i was hoping he'd write me back, but he didnt. he answered by changing his friendster status to single, and deleting my testimonial of him. i guess that's the best answer i can get from him. though i can't explain this funny feeling inside, i'm just glad he responded the way he did.

Well, i'm letting go now.

dear heart,

"Be still my heart

Lately its mind is on it's own

It would go far and wide

Just to be near you.."

remember that song before? remember how much you get so excited and happy when you hear that song? well, those were the younger days then. when both of us were just so naive and i was hearing you for the first time. i was yet so eager to listen to what you have to say.

but right now, i so much want to tell you to be still. i know you would want to be near him. i could just remember how confusingly at peace you were when he is around. i've noticed you were never that at peace for the longest time. you didn't have any hesitations on how you would want yourself to be. you were just simply happy. i was so glad to see you flowing with life. i know that you have so much to give and to stop you would be so selfish of me. it was the right moment. we both knew that.

but that was just it. i just can't let you be on your own. not anymore, or rather not for now. i am sorry but i just have to keep you first. it's not that i am being selfish, or disapproving. i am just plainly being logical. you need that sometimes. there are just some things that both of us have to do before i let you on your own again.

we both have to heal. most specially you. there are things i have to forget. there are things you have to learn.

don't give up..just yet

i've been having lazy mornings ever since i moved in to this new place. i could barely get up at around 9 am in the morning. or i just lack a lot of motivation to go early to work. but when i do get at the office, i get so busy. or should i say, i try hard to be busy. i dont want to think about things that i know would just make me dawdle. if possible i dont want to be too preoccupied with my relationship problems. coz technically, i am involved with one one guy. but physically and emotionally, there's no one. how did i get myself into that? would have been a lot better if it were otherwise, right?

everytime i want to officially quit in my quasi-relationships, i get messages saying 'don't give up just yet'. are these messages for my "relationships", or is it for my work. coz i do badly want to give up on both. i want to start off new. take a month long leave. breath new air. see new people. meet up with strangers.

i can't wait to see great things ahead of me. what kind of determination should i keep? on what should i put my faith into? what should be my main focus in this life? i promised myself that this year would be for my career. but could i really focus on that and neglecting my relationships with friends and family? could i really get on board this journey all by myself? i can't think of an answer. but if i am really bound for this, then i guess i have no choice but pick up my heels and go where i should go. right?