sometimes our own madness gets ahead of us and we do things we're not supposed to do in a saner state. however, there are things we'd rather face simply to avoid our own truths. what is it about these truths that we have to be so afraid of anyways?
maybe i'm just loosing some sanity here as i try to hold on to my own ground. i've allowed myself to be dragged to a make believe world, as i search for impermanent answers. of course, i just drowned myself in misery and allowed it to eat me the whole day.
how i wish i could turn back time and not make those wrong turns. but i have long accepted that this world has no place for tears, no place for regrets. the only thing left to do is put on that brave mask as i face the consequences that lay ahead.
*sigh*. if only i can just carry on all the hurts, things would be fine. i want to resign tonite with the thought that the sun awaits for me in the morning.
23 July, 2007
20 July, 2007
the party guest
i was debating inside if i should show up at the party. i know i should not go if he was the only reason to be there. i barely know anybody else. none of my friends are going. yes, there would be a few familiar faces, but that's all they would be. i'd surely end up standing in a dark corner and enjoy my champaigne - alone. great. well, unless he joins me.
is he even expecting me to be there in the first place? there's only one way to find out.
"hi. what time is the party starting?" i sent him that sms even if we talked about it already yesterday.
beep. "it's just about to start. some of the guests have arrived. where are you?", came the reply a few seconds later.
he's expecting me. i guess i'm going then. i straightened up my dress, checked on my makeup and took the first taxi that passed by.
it took a while for me to reach the place, i almost told the taxi driver to turn back. what am i being so fretful for? it's just him. he's just some other guy. no big deal.
the taxi then pulled over. this is it. i got off the cab, closed my eyes, took one deep breath and told myself that this is going to be okay. i then clutched on my blue satin purse as i dry up my sweaty palms and headed for the door.
ding dong. someone was attentive and fast enough to open the door for me leaving me no room to change my mind at the last minute. there was no backing out now. i smiled my sweetest to the person who opened up and looked around. cocktails were already served. it would be a while before the buffet starts. shoot, now i have to mingle with the other guests. this is what i don't like about big parties. i have to force a smile and look for a familiar face. i am not a natural at this, it almost always feels like a job to socialize.
this is one reason why i'd rather have small, and intimate parties with close friends. but what close friends? ever since i moved here, i have only four of them and all are living under the same roof with me. there goes my only social circle.
okay, where could he be? i looked around and found him talking with some friends. even if i only saw his back, he's pretty easy to recognize with his tall, lean built. there's also something in him that never fails to attract me even if he'd be standing in the farthest corner of the room. i haven't quite figure it out though.
he looked very comfortable standing there, one hand holding a glass of champaigne, the other in an animated gesture. his friends were laughing with whatever he was telling them. i guess it's okay to approach and say hi now.
i made my way through the crowd as i approached him. when his conversation with his friends started to tone down, i tapped him gently at the back. he turned around and seemed surprised (or delighted?) to see me. his friends then started to leave us like they read my silent cue.
"hi, it's nice that you came.", he said in that sweet tone while he extended his hand. i gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. he seemed delighted after all.
"yeah, i had nothing else to do for the night, so i just thought it would be cool to show up.", i wish my voice didn't crack a bit.
"i think it's cool", he smiled back. his smile was just the sweetest, i felt like melting. i hope i didn't blush too obviously. but deep inside my mind, whatever it is that i am feeling is all wrong.
"you seem to have a lot of entertaining to do.", i immediately quipped, afraid that an awkward silence would come in between. he might notice i'm all fidgety deep inside.
"yes, Stella's been counting on me with making her guests feel comfortable. i didn't expect she'd invited so many people. if you're looking for her, she's by the pool, by the way."
"of course, why else would i miss greeting the celebrant. i also have something for her".
"that's sweet of you. so, i'll see you around then. enjoy yourself."
i could only smile back. i excused myself and headed out to the pool to greet his wife. he immediately got back to entertaining the other guests.
that moment on, everything was just blurry. i wish the carpet would just eat me alive, right there and then. but it didn't. i have to do my job as the good party guest.
the evening carried on perfectly. i could see people genuinely enjoying themselves. i managed to isolate myself as i sit alone in a corner, as i expected it would be. he didn't join me, of course. i never bumped into him again for the rest of the night.
if i leave the party now, no one won't even notice.
i always feel the loneliest when i'm in a middle of a crowd of strangers. i'd rather lock myself in my room, or watch a movie on my own. i'd rather have a meal by myself, than feel so out of place with a group of people who are totally clueless of your own desperation.
so i left the party and decided to take the bus ride home.
time's my only dear friend now. he's aware that there are things that i need to ponder on.
what was i seriously thinking that would happen at the party? i could only give myself a smile as i shake my head in disbelief that i've actually thought he'd give me a second look. it's about time i stop thinking about such absurdities. it's about time to move on.
the reason why i enjoy long bus rides, is that i get a sense of comfort from it. even if it's just the driver and me in that big bus, i don't feel a bit lonely. not at all.
12 July, 2007
bloopers atbp.
i have just been too preoccuppied the past few days. i think there are just too many things that i've been weighing, and weighing ... and weighing, that i've often caught myself staring blankly at the mirror for at least five minutes in the morning before i take my shower. i guess i'm close to becoming insane (but so does many people, so i'm not really worried about that :p). the only thing that gets me back to reality is the fact that i'm about to be late for work and i know i should be rushing.
it's not a written rule at work, but people averagely shows up at around 9:30 - 10:00 in the morning. my house is about 20 minutes by walk, or 3 minutes by bus from the office. so i'm fairly lucky. the last weeks, i've been battling to get out of the bed at around 9:00 am just to be at the office by 9:40. that already includes my shower, toothbrush, getting something to wear, dabbing some light makeup and running a brush on my dripping wet long hair. feeling ko sister na ako ni Flash nyan.
however, the past days with too many things inside my head, i've been getting up a bit later than usual. thus, i've been doubly rushing myself to work. talbog ko na si Flash! i know i should stop this bad habit but it's just difficult to be motivated to get out of the bed! then finally, i had my wake up call.
i went to work this morning fairly happy since i arrived at around 9:53. that was close! but when i saw that everyone else was already at the office (including those who usually come later than me), i sensed something was wrong. then when i went to my cube, i was just speechless to see my table empty.
Shocks, where the heck is my laptop??? ... waaah, it's at home!!!! how could i have forgotten it?
i was already almost late, and i had to explain to my boss that i have to go home to get my laptop. i so wanted to be eaten by the carpet that very moment(and just go back to sleep hehe).
well, i so hated myself this morning, but i realized that it's a blessing i just live a few blocks away. after i got back with my laptop, i had to look uber-busy to redeem myself (para mabawi naman ang pagka tangengots ko). i just hope my boss won't have this etched in his mind.
it's not a written rule at work, but people averagely shows up at around 9:30 - 10:00 in the morning. my house is about 20 minutes by walk, or 3 minutes by bus from the office. so i'm fairly lucky. the last weeks, i've been battling to get out of the bed at around 9:00 am just to be at the office by 9:40. that already includes my shower, toothbrush, getting something to wear, dabbing some light makeup and running a brush on my dripping wet long hair. feeling ko sister na ako ni Flash nyan.
however, the past days with too many things inside my head, i've been getting up a bit later than usual. thus, i've been doubly rushing myself to work. talbog ko na si Flash! i know i should stop this bad habit but it's just difficult to be motivated to get out of the bed! then finally, i had my wake up call.
i went to work this morning fairly happy since i arrived at around 9:53. that was close! but when i saw that everyone else was already at the office (including those who usually come later than me), i sensed something was wrong. then when i went to my cube, i was just speechless to see my table empty.
Shocks, where the heck is my laptop??? ... waaah, it's at home!!!! how could i have forgotten it?
i was already almost late, and i had to explain to my boss that i have to go home to get my laptop. i so wanted to be eaten by the carpet that very moment(and just go back to sleep hehe).
well, i so hated myself this morning, but i realized that it's a blessing i just live a few blocks away. after i got back with my laptop, i had to look uber-busy to redeem myself (para mabawi naman ang pagka tangengots ko). i just hope my boss won't have this etched in his mind.
07 July, 2007
6 weird things
sometimes i feel glad that some friends in my blog-dom try to tag me on doing some things. it frees me from reorganizing my cluttered thoughts on what to blog about when there's so much that has been happening these days.
idel, being such a good friend, tagged me to write about my weird things. i think that's kinda tough to do so, coz i'm the almost-boring kind of normal person. so i just don't know what's weird in me, but i'm giving this a try. so see for urself if i'm weird enuf.
1. peanut butter
i love munching on peanuts. i love them roasted, salted, sweetened, glazed, chocolate coated, as long as i get to bite the whole piece. however, i can't stand peanut butter. i hate the smell, and couldn't take any food that has peanut butter in them. i don't like Reese's. the peanut butter taste simply stands out.
2. childhood habits
did u ever had childhood habits that you were glad you finally got over it? well, i think i had a few while i was growing up. but there's two habits that took a while before i totally lost them (and thank God i'm over them):
* divisible by 5. five isn't even my favorite number. but i had this habit of making sure that the syllables of every sentence i make is divisible by 5. i guess that's how i honed my skills in math. of course i don't do this all the time, but i do remember having to rephrase my sentence before uttering them when i see that the syllables in all the words in that sentence isn't divisible by 5. where on earth did i ever get this idea?
* don't step on the line. whenever i walk on streets with lines on them, i make sure i don't step on any of it. not that i believe some bad luck would happen to me, but i just avoid them for the sake of it. another similar situation is when i'm riding on a bus and i get a chance to sit at the front seat. whenever the bus passes through a shadow from a tree by the street, or the wires that hangs above the street between electric posts on opposite sides of the street, i imagine that i'm this big monster that bites or munches on the shadows that the bus passes by. well, it helps me not get bored during the travel when it's more than a four hour drive. it also keeps me from dozing off, and missing the interesting things that we pass by.
3. sharp sense of direction
they say that women naturally has a poor sense of direction. but i think i have a weird sense of direction. it's so sharp that i was almost convinced that i was a cab driver in my past life. bring me to someone's house, and have me find my way back to that house two or three years later and i can still find my way. i can remember if something in the neighborhood has changed, and if buildings or constructions move, i think i can remember their previous location too. i am not afraid of getting lost, as long as i can read the directions. plus, i'm not afraid of asking directions on the rare occasions that i get lost.
4. cheese addict
i can't imagine the world without cheese. i love everything with cheese on them. i can't get enough parmesan on my pasta (and now, on my pizza). i can eat anything with cream cheese. thank God for cheese tortellinis, cheese raviolis, cheese quesadillas, grilled cheese sandwiches. cheese, cheese, cheese, can't get enough of cheese.
5. poor on denim pants
i grew up with one denim pants at a time. what i mean is, i only get to have one or two pairs of jeans at my ward robe at a time. i was more the skirts, shorts, slacks kind of person. when i came to singapore, i had the most number of jeans in my wardrobe that i alternatively wear. the count is four. plus, i don't know how to pick a pair of jeans that fits. it's not that i don't want a pair of jeans. i do, i love 'em. i envy women who looks really chic on their pair of jeans. but i can't have that chic, smart street look cuz i barely find a levi's that fits on me beautifully. ( pang expose siguro talaga tong legs ko :p )
6. not afraid to dance
i love dancing - even when there's no music. i just play a beat in my head, and i can't stop those hips from swayin (whenever i feel like it, of course). i remember when my mother used to stop me from dancing in the street instead of normally walking with her.
well, there goes my six weird things. i don't know if they're weird enough. but this is how far i can be when we talk weird and crazy things that we unconsciously do.
to anyone who gets to read, i tag you now :)
idel, being such a good friend, tagged me to write about my weird things. i think that's kinda tough to do so, coz i'm the almost-boring kind of normal person. so i just don't know what's weird in me, but i'm giving this a try. so see for urself if i'm weird enuf.
1. peanut butter
i love munching on peanuts. i love them roasted, salted, sweetened, glazed, chocolate coated, as long as i get to bite the whole piece. however, i can't stand peanut butter. i hate the smell, and couldn't take any food that has peanut butter in them. i don't like Reese's. the peanut butter taste simply stands out.
2. childhood habits
did u ever had childhood habits that you were glad you finally got over it? well, i think i had a few while i was growing up. but there's two habits that took a while before i totally lost them (and thank God i'm over them):
* divisible by 5. five isn't even my favorite number. but i had this habit of making sure that the syllables of every sentence i make is divisible by 5. i guess that's how i honed my skills in math. of course i don't do this all the time, but i do remember having to rephrase my sentence before uttering them when i see that the syllables in all the words in that sentence isn't divisible by 5. where on earth did i ever get this idea?
* don't step on the line. whenever i walk on streets with lines on them, i make sure i don't step on any of it. not that i believe some bad luck would happen to me, but i just avoid them for the sake of it. another similar situation is when i'm riding on a bus and i get a chance to sit at the front seat. whenever the bus passes through a shadow from a tree by the street, or the wires that hangs above the street between electric posts on opposite sides of the street, i imagine that i'm this big monster that bites or munches on the shadows that the bus passes by. well, it helps me not get bored during the travel when it's more than a four hour drive. it also keeps me from dozing off, and missing the interesting things that we pass by.
3. sharp sense of direction
they say that women naturally has a poor sense of direction. but i think i have a weird sense of direction. it's so sharp that i was almost convinced that i was a cab driver in my past life. bring me to someone's house, and have me find my way back to that house two or three years later and i can still find my way. i can remember if something in the neighborhood has changed, and if buildings or constructions move, i think i can remember their previous location too. i am not afraid of getting lost, as long as i can read the directions. plus, i'm not afraid of asking directions on the rare occasions that i get lost.
4. cheese addict
i can't imagine the world without cheese. i love everything with cheese on them. i can't get enough parmesan on my pasta (and now, on my pizza). i can eat anything with cream cheese. thank God for cheese tortellinis, cheese raviolis, cheese quesadillas, grilled cheese sandwiches. cheese, cheese, cheese, can't get enough of cheese.
5. poor on denim pants
i grew up with one denim pants at a time. what i mean is, i only get to have one or two pairs of jeans at my ward robe at a time. i was more the skirts, shorts, slacks kind of person. when i came to singapore, i had the most number of jeans in my wardrobe that i alternatively wear. the count is four. plus, i don't know how to pick a pair of jeans that fits. it's not that i don't want a pair of jeans. i do, i love 'em. i envy women who looks really chic on their pair of jeans. but i can't have that chic, smart street look cuz i barely find a levi's that fits on me beautifully. ( pang expose siguro talaga tong legs ko :p )
6. not afraid to dance
i love dancing - even when there's no music. i just play a beat in my head, and i can't stop those hips from swayin (whenever i feel like it, of course). i remember when my mother used to stop me from dancing in the street instead of normally walking with her.
well, there goes my six weird things. i don't know if they're weird enough. but this is how far i can be when we talk weird and crazy things that we unconsciously do.
to anyone who gets to read, i tag you now :)
19 June, 2007
baptism and lunches
i attended the baptism celebration (actually, ang kainan lang :p) of my former colleague's second baby last sunday. together with other former officemates, we had a blast at the party. it was sort of a mini-reunion narin since i haven't seen mommy lorna (that's how we call her since sya lang ang married sa group) since she resigned. i am always amazed at how some friends manage to maintain the same closeness despite the months (or even years) of not having seen each other.
i miss the company of mommy lorns, aze and alexis, and our lunch break chitchats. i don't miss marvin since we're basically still officemates.. :( plus, i am the only girl at my current work place, and these men are really such boring lunch buddies hehehe :p (must be the age gap, since on the average, most are about five years older than i am). that's why i prefer to eat lunch alone in my cube. i miss the gossiping, and all other girl talk that never missed to color our lunch breaks before :(
hmm.. before i get too nostalgic, welcome to the christian world Riz Lauren Francisco :)
to mommy Lorns and daddy Rey - thanks for the sumptuous feast, sa uulitin :)
09 June, 2007
relief month
there were several reasons why i didn't have much time to blog last month. but it all boils down to my being preoccupied - preoccupied what to wear for ri's wedding, preoccupied about ghosts lurking under my bed, preoccupied how to fit my finances while paying off my credit card, preoccupied about my deadlines when my mind is somewhere miles away. preoccupied, preoccupied, preoccupied. that's the month of may for me.
good thing june came, and things just came to pass. ri's wedding was a success. my credit card balance is back to zero (sana forever na to :p) and still got a small change to survive me the whole month. i finally got the hang of my project. finally! reading the specs doesn't feel like understanding morse code anymore :) may na hire din akong ghostbuster pampatanggal sa ghost sa ilalim ng bed ko. hehe.
seriously, june is such a relief month (with a big smile on my face). dontya think?
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