in a snapshot

sometimes when there are just too many things going on in your life, you'd like to make them freeze a moment as you do your best to create a mental picture of what's going on and you jot it down in your journal. but then time doesn't stop for you, and when you were yet trying to be in touch with reality over something that happens unexpectedly, here goes another of life's big surprise. and it takes days for you to fathom it all.

life has just been too fast for me and yet too good for the past couple of days. at first i was drowning with project deadlines, the next i was taking leave for my visa interview in manila. i was expecting for a single visa entry, yet i was given the one with "M" for annotations and my visa would expire on 2010 yet. "Wow" would be an understatement over something that unexpected. i literally sat down outside the embassy's benches, paused for a moment and tried to check if i heard the consul right. well, i guess i did since i was holding that yellow piece of paper on my hand.

the thing that overwhelmed me more at that moment was not my upcoming trip to the u.s. but the realization that i may still have more trips to come. i can actually go there anytime now. well, that would be when u would have the money of course (for that i would have to look for yet).

i went back to cebu and try to focus myself with work stuff despite the excitement building up within me. i just can't abandon work that way. However, to my biggest surprise... work abandoned me. i was just caught off guard that i would be ending my week packing all my stuffs and go home jobless. i was too confused over what happened to internalize the wrong did to me. what i felt was a mix of frustration, anger and depression.

for days i thought i've lost it all. i saw my job as the one thing that i've been proud of myself. and there it was, robbed from me by a person who just enjoyed too much the little power that he has over his subordinates. how else would i feel?

the moment the people from my team and my other friends knew about the injustice done, support and encouragement just poured in endlessly. it was then i realized there was nothing wrong with what i did. if it takes to loose once job to defend friends, and stand on with what you believe is right, then i'd do it again.

so what's left of me now is my family, my real friends and a multiple entry visa to the u.s. and of course, my pending job interview coming next week. :)

that's why despite it all, i just couldn't complain. for what i have right now matters so much more.

some dream

have you ever dreamt of yourself being old and grey?

Well, last weekend, i just had that dream. i really saw myself just that : old and grey. i could still even see the dress i wore on that dream. it was a floral long dress that usually worn by a hypie old woman in the movie and i was half sitting in the couch at a house that would be where i'd be retiring.

in the dream, a young girl was with me in the room, sitting near the couch. i could not identify this girl. could she be a grand daughter? but when she asked me a question that i was fearing most to happen. i knew she was not any grand daughter of mine.

girl : why haven't you got married?

i didn't see myself thinking long and hard for the answer to this. i simply said in the most natural way possible,

"the right one just didn't came along."

well, this dream is really overwhelming. that's why i still think about it till now.

i don't even think of myself as someone who waits for the right one. but i wait for the right love, in the right time. i do not want to let a moment pass me by.

i hope this isn't some premonition of any sort. but what if it is going to happen? well, i couldn't help feel impressed at how well i said something that scares me now. there wasn't a hint of regret. i think that matters more.

lingerie talk

I was at the mall on the lingerie section when i can't help overhearing the conversation of three girls and a guy. The guy obviously didn't look like a boyfriend to any of the girls. I couldn't even brand him as a very close friend to any of them since they were no joking around as the girls browse through the sexy lacy undergarments while the guy trying to keep his distance. I bet he didn't want to look like someone who would ogle infront of the sexy underwears with the girls around. but that's such a perverted thing to do.

en tous cas, here's what i was able to overhear. (they were talking in cebuano, so what i have here is just a translation)

girl 1: wow, nice (refering to a sexy lacy underwear)

girl 2: hmm.. i like this better. it's sexier

girl 3: what about you(facing their guy friend), which panty would turn you on?

hearing this, i got nearer to them. i was curious what the guy would say. not that he was interesting looking enough for me to want to hear his opinion. but i don't go ask my guy friends which underwear would turn them on! so, i was curious as to how the guy would react.

well, the guy didn't say anything. he just gave an indifferent look. all i could conclude from the guy was that he probably was just too awkward to say his preference, or the girl who asked was simply not his type.

but the guy's indifference didn't stop the girl. she continually prodded for an answer.

girl 3: what about this? ... this one?

but since the guy was still indifferent, she managed to conclude ...

girl 3: OMG, nothing turns you on? girls, nothing turns him on!

the guy was probably just trying act like a gentleman with them, or simply he just don't care at all. and because of that he is branded as Gay! (poor guy)

now, this makes me wonder. what would make a girl ask a guy friend for his opinion on sexy lingerie? and what would make her insist on it?

1. she likes the guy friend and wonders what undergarment would turn him on. then later, she'd show up at the guy's apartment with only the underwear on
2. she was just looking for a guy's opinion for a later sexy escapade with some other guy
3. she would feel sexy within her knowing that what she's wearing underneath her clothes could turn on some guy

hmm.. why do all the reasons i could think of has something in common?

work babble

i don't usually blab about my work but it seems i'm getting too edgy today and my blood pressure might soar high if i won't let this out.

i have a strange feeling that i'm suffering a hypertension from the slow network connection in connecting to my "repository tool 1" (i can't name names here). but the problem is not with the connection, but with tool itself. it's not the best repository tool for server databases situated million miles from its client. that is why "repository tool 2" (i still can't name names here) is created for this purpose! That's what i should be using in the first place! but it seems that my requested license is taking ages to arrive and i can't just use anything unlicensed at all. Now, i would just have to deal with sweaty palms, raised heart beats, and a head ache with every attempt to check-in or check-out my work files. i'm struggling for the network connection to work faster like i'm struggling for air between my short breaths. is this even hypertension or it's a mild heart attack already? i think i need help. e.r.u.f.!

alone-ness

last saturday afternoon, i was in the hospital to get myself checked since my cough just won't get away. I had the longest minutes spent being conscious with my own breathing when I had the mask from the nebulizer on my face. and in those slow minutes I realized how sad it is to bring yourself to the hospital.

another friend of mine had her moment too when she went to the hospital to take a tetanus toxoid shot. according to her, she would have died peacefully in her sleep had she just stayed home that friday night. well, she was just traumatized with her near-death experience when she got assaulted.

while the other friend was slowly unpacking her stuff in her new apartment. i'm sure she wasn't used to moving places with no one to help her out. (it's in situations like this where boyfriends are most useful). she was alone in a twin size bed with just a pillow beside her in the new apartment that night.

well, all three of us felt an overwhelming sense of "alone-ness" inside. and there's nothing else that we could grip on but our strong sense of independence.

cold thoughts

i am down with coughs and colds for four days now. when i talked to my sister on the phone just a while ago, she insisted that i must go see a doctor. well, i almost did, last night. since i had a difficulty sleeping at 2 am with the dry cough and all the vomiting (excuse me), i thought of dragging myself to the hospital. but didn't, cause i was just too tired and too sick to even do that. and it was raining outside.

it's difficult to be sick, worse, be sick and be alone at the same time. there's no one to give that immidiate help that you need, like buying medicines in case you don't have any in the middle of the night. at moments like these, i could always here a statement made by a housemate at pinoy big brother (yes, i'm hooked at it too) at the back of my head, "akala ko kaya kong mag-isa, pero mahirap pala". so true. *hachoo!*

it is difficult to be alone. but there are just times where you just need to stand on your own feet. there are moments where being alone is not a choice. it's something fate brings on your lap for you to deal with instead of succumb to the "what-if(there's someone)'s".

there are just things that you've got to do, whether you're sick or alone or both. so despite my condition, i managed to wake up at 6:30 in the morning (for two days now) to prepare myself for my early driving lessons. i chose to take my classes in the morning where i'm still stress free from office work. i had to concentrate to what my instructor had to tell me in between my sneezing and controlled coughing. after driving class, i go directly to the office and just bury myself with the piled work that i was delaying in the past weeks. and later, i have to proceed to my french class. whew. busy days. but i'm thankful for them for they make me forget that i am even alone while getting through all these.

i know i am not helping myself. this flu would just get worse if i don't take a leave and rest. i might even let someone else in the office catch my virus. people around me are already pushing me to take a leave. no wonder "in sickness and in health" is a statement that doesn't work with friends.

so, rest i must.

luv advice

i have a friend who needed a joe d' mango kind of advice on unrequitted love. he's basically lost strength to live. and when you see someone close to you be on that state, the least you could do is try hard to lift him up a little, and lead him the way to the window of hope.

i opened up his dilemma to nats and ri. and here's what they came up with:

ri:
tell him he's hopeless, better jump off from the rooftop of E-Office One (whose purpose is not to kill, but divert his attention to his broken arms, broken legs, broken face... and not on his broken heart)

nats:
1. there are other fishes in the ocean
2. life goes on, this too shall pass
3. she/he isn't good enough for you
4. God will give you the right person at the right time
5. let's go get drunk

:)