hot chocolate for the heart

i had a lazy morning today. i went in almost noontime at the office and i was dawdling before i could actually start something work-related. as i was about to be serious about work-stuff, i suddenly had a craving for a bite of chocolate. i had one before i left for work, but still had that craving an hour later. i wished i had just brought the chocolate bar with me to the office. and a few minutes later, i couldn't just get myself settled in if i didn't get my tastebuds appeased. So i went to the vending machine and bought me a cup of warm chocolate drink instead. But to my dismay, the vendo messed up and only gave me a cup with a single drop of what have been my warm chocolate drink! i just felt like i was about to cry. oh when things just don't work out the way you want them to! i know that the warm chocolate cup is so trivial but the feeling i had when i just saw the empty cup is tantamount to the feeling when my ex-boyfriend told me he couldn't go on with our wedding. believe me, the feeling was horribly similar!

as i walked back to my cube, with the empty cup in hand and with a heart that just got pinched, i saw a blue invitation flashing in front of my eyes as if shouting "Read me! Read me!". i knew then it was my officemate's wedding invite, so i asked him to hand it over immediately. As i looked through the pages of the invitation, it seemed that time just travelled back a year ago when i was looking at my own wedding invite that never reached through the intended recipients. looking at the empty cup and that familiar wedding invite was just too painful. well, both depressing incidents happened in just a few seconds from each other and i thought it was just unbearable that i thought i would cry that instant. but i don't want to be so dramatic about it so i had to fight back my tears.

then i remembered that as i passed by the church near our place on my way to the office, a wedding ceremony just ended and everyone was crowding at the church entrance seeing the newly weds get settled in the bridal car. Just by that scene, i said to myself that i thought i couldn't get through another wedding event after my "called off wedding" disaster last year. but just a month after, i was already attending my officemate's wedding. and that was not the only one that i went to last year and i was fine. i must have been tough then. But of course, i had to miss my sister's wedding, which i didn't mind at all, cause it would be too much having to bear with all of your relatives' meaningful glances. and the unmindful ones might ask me the question that i have been running away from for the past months. "I thought it was you who was about to get wed?". Duh!

these are just a few of the everyday things that i had to deal with when it comes to my past. yet sometimes it is unbelievable how simple things, like the empty cup incident, when being related to significant moments in your life, could just make you stop and think. how far have i actually grown? how tough have i really become? and then you realize you are not as tough as you think you are. but you have hidden your fears perfectly well, and dealt with everyone else in the most appropriate way that you should. so, that would probably do for now.