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interviewer: so, what do you like and not like with c++?
fictional me: i like c++ because it's the only programming language i know, so i'm comfortable with it (flashing a big smile)
real me: wasn't there any smarter thing for me to say? ..like something technical perhaps?
interviewer: O..kay. (looking perplexed)... what do you not like with c++? (he obviously didn't get my answer.. so did i! so duha nami! hehe)
fictional me: it's the expectations from other people. like, once they know that i know about mfc, they will expect that i know everything about mfc. but i can't just know everything about it.
real me: Ahyooh!! couldn't it get any worse? can somebody eat me alive now?
hmm.. do you think i have a chance on the job? if not, sayang. gwapo pa naman ang nag interview. :D
*********
a few questions and several stupid answers later...
interviewer: i hope you don't mind me asking a few questions on demographics. are you married? or single?
fictional me: oh, i don't mind... i am single. (flashing my biggest smile)
real me: not only single, available pa! ..teehee!
interviewer: any plans of getting married?
fictional me: (sounding surprised) oh, no... no plans as of now (blush)
real me: you can make me change my mind .. (don a sweet smile, and bat my eyelids)
interviewer: how long do you plan to stay in singapore?
fictional me: it really depends... as long as i still get a challenging job here, then i'd like to stay longer (aba! na-ay sense ang tubag... basta lagi dili technical question, mutonong ako answer!)
real me: well, if we'll be settling here ..hon-ey, then... there'd be no other place in the world that i'd like to go..
now i am really regretting that i'm not getting that job.
getting a career woman domesticated is such a tough task. to think she's still single. getting a "married" career woman, domesticated, is simply a terrible thing to do. when i was yet in highschool, or even college, i never imagined myself to be cooking my own food, doing my laundry, fixing my own clothes. well, i just thought it was an impossible thing to mix with your studies. when i started working, the only thing that changed was that i had to pay for own laundry services and food, instead of my parents. the only household chore that i was tasked to do was to keep my abode clean and comfy enough to live in. but when i came here, i had to do everything now. i clean, not only the room, this time, but the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the storage area, the other common toilet. just everything. not only that, i have to do my laundry. but that's not the worst yet. i still have to iron my clothes, which i so so hate to do most. why can't all my clothes be wash and wear? well, i don't mind the cleaning, the laundry and all that. but it's consuming my whole weekend. although staying at home is better than going to the malls. at least i could avoid from impulsive buying. but that's not it. my idea of a weekend could is to simply relax at home, watch my favorite movies. rest after a night's clubbing. :D i so miss my weekends back in cebu. where i don't mind sleeping til noon on my saturdays, watch a movie or have dinner with friends. then my sundays would be a "me" day, where i have a lazy lunch, then visit a salon for a manicure, pedicure which takes most of my afternoon, go to church, and have a relaxing evening. then i'd get ready for not-as-stressful week ahead. no wonder i had more time to blog before. now, i can't do all that anymore. my "me" days (? .. it's barely a day!) are those spent for my salsa classes. saturdays are usually spent house cleaning, and if i get lucky, i could do some laundry or go out at night to the salsa club. then i usually end up sleeping late on sundays doing my other personal stuffs. i even consider watching a movie now as a waste of time. i can't make this as my life outside work. my what-should-be a stress reliever is also stressful. i need more time to relax, recharge and be ready for another busy week. (weekends should last three days!)it's not that i would have to give up doing my house chores, or like i should stop doing my laundry. they're like work, i can't just stop doing that. well, unless i pay someone to do my work for me.. oops, mali. i pay someone to do my chores for me. :) but i don't have the luxury to do that... it's way too expensive here. (na miss nuon nako si manang labandera) hehe.oh well, i better get some sleep now if i really did have that tiring weekend.
"alin, alin, alin ang naiba.
isipin kung alin, ang na-iba."
seriously.
it's tangy, lighter, and maybe, a bit lost. i'm hoping that the change in tones shifts my general mood. the immensity of the void has caused me to mull over on unreasonable thoughts lately. i'm afraid i would loose control of my own sensibilities any minute if i don't do anything. even if it takes a sleepless night, i'm making this as my replacement therapy, as i try to get my ground back.
last night, i felt a very discomforting pain in my body. i thought i was going to die right then. so i told myself, "is this it? is this how life would be just for me?". i felt so insignificant knowing that my passing away would not matter to anybody. but for an instant, i felt glad for i wouldn't have to worry about what to do with my life.
i talked to God for a minute. if my life was going to end that way, then i'm sorry if i hadn't lived the life as i should have, whatever it is. maybe i deserved the life being preempted before it was given a chance to blossom. however, it was as if God was giving me a choice to give in to my desperation. like i could choose to die right then, or continue to live. but from what i've read somewhere, life only ends when one puts out his light for hope. in hesitation, i heard myself plea for a second chance. i should continue to believe that hope still springs around the corner. i just need to look out for it in the unusual places.
i guess God heard my plea. i still managed to wake up and see the light this morning.
my day went back to normal. i took the usual bus ride to the office, thinking that it's going to be just another day. but somehow, something inside me felt different. i probably learned something from last night's dream. though my problems are the same as yesterday, i think there are still more solutions that i could find before the day ends.
btw, it's the day of the saints. i think a saint just saved me.
i took the day off at work today because i've had this fever thing going inside me. yeah, seriously, there's a fever that was just too shy to go out. but i've taken the required paracetamols inorder not to take things worse, and enough sleep. that's probably just all that i needed after having such a tough week last week, from the travel and all the pressures at work.
enough on justifying my leave, i took this day as a chance, to wander about where i am going with my life, career wise. you see, my contract is ending by the 27th of this year. i surely am not renewing my contract with my current agent. my only option to stay with the company that i'm working with is for me to be absorbed as a permanent employee (which my technical lead says that my boss had such plans already). however, do i still want to continue despite all this stress? will my boss remember that he made such a statement? what if december comes and i won't have a job? what will happen to my 2007? would i take this chance to leave singapore? if that's the case, would i be able to celebrate my new year in hongkong then? (oops, that question is not inline with my career dilemma!).
my future lays too many options for me now that i am so impatient to find out which one i should actually pick. more so, i have to choose wisely this time as i am not getting any younger. i have responsibilities to weigh and there's no chance to dawdle when making my decisions. however, i can't also just keep up with a career that i'm obviously not born with, and stay because of the money it's giving me (it's not much, but it sustains me definitely). i'll simply end up burnt out, old, and miserable (and not even rich) if i continue to do this.
everybody's dream is to land on their dream jobs. this might be a chance for me to pursue my dream job. however, if i do that, i have another obstacle to face : what is my dream job? i want to do so many things, but i can't pick one that i want to do best. it would be simpler if i just wake up one morning and say to myself, this is what i am born to do. wouldn't that be just nice?
there's one solution to this problem, but i'm not so sure if i have the luxury to do it though. i could go from one job to another, without thinking of the pay. i think this is the best way to solve my problem. but could i ever do that? career-driven that i thought i am, would i have enough guts to plunge into something like that? face the unkown, conquer my fears. that would be too easy to say.
another thing, would giving up the six years of experience in this career would really be worth it? or is this just the jaded, burnt out career woman in me, babbling about this nonsense? the wiser thing to do is move forward for this career and look for the opportunity where my creative side would just simply come out and make this career path more enjoyable and fun. when have these IT stuffs been fun? when? (tell me, quando!?)
i'm probably just looking for a loophole at this dump that i am in. i admit, i am really just tired about this career. i don't see myself growing anymore. i can't appreciate what i am doing, or what i am contributing. how else would i ace my job interviews then if i continue to feel this way? would i just allow myself to crumble at my present job?
to paint you a picture of this dilemma, i could even picture myself becoming a domestic helper in europe (well, i am quite picky about the place). you see, i know how to clean bathrooms and get satisfaction from it, as compared to having solved a memory leak problem. so, house cleaning, anyone?
i just walked to the other building that was two blocks away from our office since i had some papers to submit. as i was heading back, i saw myself walking down this narrow corridor and all of a sudden, i silently wished that i would just not stop walking. i wished the corridor would go a long, long way, even miles. i wished i could just walk, and walk, and walk nonstop. i wished i could just go through the gates of our building, walk across the street, walk through the trees across our office, and whatever is on the other side of the road. i won't mind if my feet would hurt from the 3-inch heels i'm wearing right now. i'd just regret i didn't wear my sneakers, but i would bear all the pain, as long i just won't stop walking.
walking away is some sort of healing. it's a therapy. walking without thinking about your destination, is the simplest form of escape. it's escaping from all the responsibilities that bind you, that exhausts you, that wears your energy down. i didn't want to stop walking cause i'm tired of being bounded by my own imaginary set of rules. these rules are defined since it's the logical thing to do. these rules exist, cause there's no space for immaturity.
but i just want to leave all those rules and break whatever that confines me, simply let the wanderer in me take over. why can't i just pack my bag and buy that one way ticket to nowhere?
i feel so tired today. stressed-out, unmotivated, hopeless, down, depressed, sick, etc. these monsters have been periodically visiting me whenever i'm at work, or on the bus or train, or whenever i'm just alone. the music in my mp3 player couldn't seem to lift up my mood anymore. i'm starting to hear them as noise recently. lately, my days have been just a series of lows, and lows, and yes, the occasional highs, i admit. but most of the time, i'm as hazy as singapore is these days. right now, i'm simply tired of being tired.
*lets out a big sigh, and slumps her shoulders like she just placed the whole world on them*
i know my problems would be nothing compared to the effects of a nuclear test. however, for anyone who sees the world around her almost strangely, and who is more lost than ever, her problems gets magnified a thousand times. she thinks that its effects on her surmounts that of sumatra's forest fires.
who am i to complain? it's just that.. it saddens me so that i just feel so empty despite the chaotic world out there. i should learn how to look at my day in a different light. i should bring myself to appreciate more the miracles that happen around me - like other people falling in love, couples getting married, mothers expecting babies, famous people adopting orphans in africa, orphanages being built (and yeah, i really care about that in the most sincere way i can, that i, too, am thinking of adopting even if i'm not close to fame as madonna or brangelina).
*let's out a heavier sigh*
now that i've come to think about these stuffs, i should just stop being so egocentric and think that only my world matters. states people should worry with me on whether i should get a new job or not when my contract ends. what hollywood diet should work best for me? would i ever live to experience the greatest love ever? would i even get married? where should i be retiring, in cebu, the queen city of the southern philippines, or the more laid back country in southern france (with dreamy eyes while thinking about it)? or on more feasible, realistic worries, should i put up a website for people to vote if i need to renovate this blogspace? (hmm. since we're on the topic, honestly, i'm not anymore into the look-and-feel of this space. i think it gets more and more depressing everytime i see it in my browser. too many sad memories perhaps. don't you agree?)
putting my renovation plans aside, i know i'm less than a speck in this whole picture that God has created. i have to wake up cause there's really no excuse for becoming such a drama queen.
but for the meantime, in case anyone's feeling high, lift me up, will ya?
