hasty decisions

Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

it's a bit too late for a welcome-2007 new year post since this is like the 5th post of the month already. however, i should say that this year started with tons of tough decisions to make.

all of us have probably made some decisions that we regret right after. all because we've never really pondered much about it, and just trusted our gut-feeling towards the matter at hand. then we pay the consequences of these hasty decisions - consequences that have left us some valuable lessons in our lives.

sometimes, we decide irrationally because we avoid the trouble of weighing things properly. well, i often commit that mistake in my life. i say i always act by my emotions, where the results are always regretful. sometimes, my rational mind kicks in too late, where i get torn between turning back on what i've already decided, or getting on with it, simply to save face.

if only life's decisions are as easy as deciding what pair of shoes to buy, cause i'll simply just buy both. however, some decisions you have to make involves other people, or places. as the cliché goes, you can't be in two places at the same time. that's usually the hardest decisions everyone has to make.

i thought i'd really be leaving singapore for good the next month. now, that i've got all things ready, money to survive me the first few months on the land of milk and honey, a visa, and no job in singapore (cause i’ve resigned already). a plane ticket was all that's left, then i'm off for good. sounds like i'm off to a new adventure, huh?

but up to the last minute, i was not at peace with this decision. i was all of a sudden clouded with second thoughts, and worries. it's almost too late to back out now. but it's either i back out now before it’s really too late, and suffer the consequences right after. or deal with it, and still suffer the consequences right after. not much of a choice, huh? when i felt trouble looming over my mind, it was a mighty good sign that there's something wrong with what i was about to venture on.

it was not an easy thing to back out on something you've basically planned for several months. it was something i thought what i really wanted in my life. you know, the kind of thing you thought was what your heart desired most. was i really making the right move to leave this soon? do i really understand the situation or the place, that i was getting into? when these questions didn't start to leave my head, i knew i have to think things over, before i get on that plane and everything would really be too late. and the thinking-things-over part was really hell for me. the past days have left me disturbed, depressed and in constant worry. i felt i was a thin line away from insanity. time was ticking, people are waiting for me to decide. i have to make a decision, fast.

i know i have to face some consequences for this which i'm willing to pay. i know my credibility got tarnished because of my indecisiveness. some people were expecting me to go, and i’ve let them down. i just hope that despite my valid excuse, people would still trust me, or, I would still trust me. however, even if i know i've backed out on my word, i still am glad that i got saved by the bell.

i think i've made a good decision now. i'm at peace with the thought that i'm still staying. but not with the thought that i am out of job. uh-oh.