not always a bed of roses

i am just amazed with optimism from people who have basically lived a life on a bed of roses. they always have the tendency to see the glass half full. when it's a talk on relationships, they see falling in love, and living happily ever after. when it's a talk about work, they see themselves as falling into the places of the "successful" people in their own fields, like it's the only way to go.

but on the bad side, these eternal optimists just look at their life so narrowly that they have the tendency to forget that it isn't always like that. life isn't always like that for everybody. it isn't always a bed of roses. people fall in love, and get betrayed. people work hard to succeed, and still get stabbed at the back by their own bosses. people invest, and yet still loses everything.

a rambling mind

i hate it when i there's nothing much to be preoccuppied about. my idle thoughts just go everywhere. i get to think about things that i shouldn't be thinking about, things that i shouldn't worry about. i just get to think, and think, and think... when i should do better things, like sleep. uggh! worse, what's to over analyze when there's not even a single thing to analyze? i am not complaining about my life. things are just getting smoothly. work's tough as ever, just enough to make me whine about it. people at the office are just predictably bearable. and i don't want to change that for anything .. no bossy, pigheaded, arrogant colleagues. imagine a whole day of peace and quiet in your own cube :)

but who am i kidding? peace and quiet also means ... wandering thoughts... or dozing off. but i can't sleep in my cube, my as-if-i-am-busy p.m. does his periodic office tour. i wouldn't want him to wake me up in the middle of a good dream. it was enough that he had caught me spending too much time with skype when i was just new at work. i'm not good at giving good first impressions. good thing, there's coffee to keep me company and i've managed to skype occasionally now. so, i've managed to schedule my time between work, coffee, daydreaming and skyping. so, what's to complain again?

this is just my idle mind rambling.

the ex's mom

when my ex-fiancee backed out on our wedding years back, i dealt with the concequences on my own. i never even bothered knowing how his family reacted over having the wedding cancelled. i just assumed that they're much like him. or even they had given their support and backed him up about his decision.

then just recently, news flew all over from south china sea to here, that his mom still talks about that part of his life. not only that, she couldn't bear the embarassment his son has brought to the family. it must have been difficult for her. i think she might have felt disgraced about her son's actions. or probably, she's still in disbelief how she knows someone who could do that, much more, her own son. makes me wonder, had i talked to his mom then, or attempted to communicate with her before, had coping been different? but i can't tell if it had made things easier, or more difficult though.

it's funny when you learn that your ex's mom, is as aware as you are, on you how much of an asshole her son had been. although that statement could have given a different note if you'd known about it before you just stopped caring.

oh well, just an amusing trip to memory lane.

wishing to be good

good things happen to good people. when you are dedicated to your work, and not think about rewards, salary, promotions or even pleasing the boss, you get the reward you deserve without even thinking about it. and usually, when good things come, they pour!

however, i could barely say i am one of those good people. i have always been a delinquent. even way back in highschool, i cram and cram ... and get lucky. i always lack that dedication to achieve something. it was always easy come and easy go philosophy for me. when i started working, i probably just improved in my outlook a baby-step further. nothing more.

even now, i took the day off because i felt sick. the truth is, i am just plainly sick at my job and i feel smothered in the emptiness in my cube .. or should i say, in my mind?

i don't know why i am even like this. i've been thinking about changing careers, but i could not deny that i can not give up easily the perks of this job. i am staying to keep the lifestyle i want. it's nothing luxurious as you might think coz i am still broke, but it's comfortable enough. i know this way of thinking is purely selfish and vain and sick. but that aside, the job is also making me sick. but it would be hypocritical of me if i won't admit that it has it's highs too. but not much compared to the downers it's giving me.

well, i just complain when i know i'm incapable of achieving something. it hides my incompetence. but you know what, you know you're a failure when you start blaming others (someone famous said that, i just can't remember who exactly). that's why i complain because i find that easier than to accept that i've failed.

i'm just getting what i deserve, and i whine twice as much when shit happens.

how i wish i could get to sing the song from the 'sound of music', "somewhere in my childhood, i must have done something good".

but i know i can't.

i need a mind-shift..i'm becoming all too negative.

glad that superman returned

my friends and i watched 'Superman Returns' last night. that was my first movie since january. yes, the first! i missed X-men, and what else? oh well, i got to think that the money i should spend on the movies, i'd rather spend them on .. shoes. hehe.

but i'm not talking about my shoe-shopping craze, rather 'Superman'. am i glad i didn't miss this one on the big screen? gosh, was Brandon Routh just...'H-O-T'! i don't mind seeing him soo upclose (fourth row from the cinema screen). i don't mind at all. hehe.

i confess, i had a hard time concentrating on the movie. aside from having to protect my eardrums from breaking with all the sound effects, my mind's battling all throughout the almost 3-hour run of the movie.

'how could he be soo supermanly perfect? ...
but hey, isn't his face animated or real? ..
then clark's face shows up...
'Oh, he's real diay.. he's just really so handsome'..
then superman shows up, his face covering the wide screen,
'no way could that face be real!
he's so digitally enhanced! (thanks ri, for the word)!
...and my oh my, that body!' ....
'and what? he was in manila? did i hear that right?'

...my mind just went on like that until i realized the movie ended already. did brandon routh even had real lines in that movie? i can't even remember! .. well, except probably for "i'm always just around".

hmm.. they shouldn't make superheroes in superhero movies so flawless. but then, it always make up for movies like this. but don't get me wrong, i loved the movie.. i enjoyed every minute of him... oops, of 'it' pala!. only if they'd shown more of him..hahaha.

i should not forget to mention too that the similarities between him and christopher reeves was just amazing. i was seeing him most of the time. he indeed is all worth it to be the next superman.

seriously, i wasn't disappointed. it's the best superhero flick i've seen so far.

on a different note, i was just glad that i watched the superman movie over the worldcup game last night. i couldn't bear my heart breaking over england and brazil's loss. oh well, it still is! then beckham had to leave as captain! i just hope to see germany or france in the finals.

let the sunshine in

it's past 2 am, and i am just dead tired after having a night out with my closest friends. we were dancing like frenzy in a club, stripping off any fear that anyone might recognise us (twas just the two of us on the dance floor). even if it were some tough chance, we couldn't care less. i had a rough week, i needed those few minutes or hours to let all inhibitions loose.

i can't believe that i've finally confronted one of my fears. i've actually acknowledged the presence of death, when all of my life i've dreaded the subject, like it was some taboo. but this time, i had the courage to even think about it, converse about its presence with my innerself, letting any suicidal tendency out. sometimes i feel it's the influence of the current book i'm reading (The devil and miss prym, by paolo coelho). when you know there's nothing that you could loose in this life, the stronger you become when facing your fears.

tough of me, huh? must be the depression that went through. i think it's brought by me gnawing all my insecurities. life's been rough, most specially when you can't find a reason to last you through a day. it's difficult enough when nightfall comes, and you lay in bed thinking about another dreadful day. how can you last through a day, when you barely could survive the night?

yes, i've had these moments. there are times where i forget my own reason for living. but i am just lucky enough to realize how much of a fool i am for thinking that way. God just whispers at the right moment, where i still see the goodness around me, despite my own selfish thoughts. then, i pause and think of my own naivete. i've simply allowed myself to be eaten by my own unwillingness to see the brighter side of life.

an american writer once said, "The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone". i needed someone else to tell me to stop on depending at what other people or things can provide to give me that sense of purpose, of fulfillment. i was simply looking at the wrong places. i guess i have to start looking at myself, and how i've viewed myself and how my life should find meaning in this chaotic, yet wonderful world. i should start looking at how much of myself i can give to others.

i attended an early mass despite the heavy rain. i needed that early conversation with God. i needed an assurance from him that my life's going to be alright. i know, i'm just being stubborn. but the Holy mass just gives me a different kind of peace. now, i feel stronger. i have this sense of purpose,which i think has not yet been unfolded. but in the right time, i'll find out.

so for the meantime, i'm just letting the sunshine in.

vivre d’amour

a nice reflection from yesterday's gospel(Mt 5,38-42) from www.dailygospel.org. these are from the Poems: “Vivre d’amour” [Living of Love] and “Pourquoi je t’aime, ô Marie” [Why I love you, o Mary]

To live of Love is to give without measure,
without demanding a salary here below.
Ah! I give without counting, very sure
that when you love, you don’t write a bill!
To the Divine Heart, overflowing with tenderness,
I have given all … lightly I run.
I no longer have anything except my only wealth:
To live of Love.

To live of Love is to banish all fear,
every memory of past faults.
I see no trace of my sins,
in an instant, love burned it all!
Divine flame, o very sweet blaze,
in your hearth I settle down to stay.
In your fire I am at ease to sing (cf. Dan 3:51):
“I live of Love!”…

“To live of Love, what strange madness,”
The world tells me. “Ah! Stop singing,
don’t lose your perfume, your life.
Know how to use them usefully!”
To love you, Jesus, what a fruitful loss!
All my perfume is yours without return.
I want to sing while leaving this world:
“I am dying of Love!”

* * * * *

To love is to give all and to give oneself.