let the sunshine in

it's past 2 am, and i am just dead tired after having a night out with my closest friends. we were dancing like frenzy in a club, stripping off any fear that anyone might recognise us (twas just the two of us on the dance floor). even if it were some tough chance, we couldn't care less. i had a rough week, i needed those few minutes or hours to let all inhibitions loose.

i can't believe that i've finally confronted one of my fears. i've actually acknowledged the presence of death, when all of my life i've dreaded the subject, like it was some taboo. but this time, i had the courage to even think about it, converse about its presence with my innerself, letting any suicidal tendency out. sometimes i feel it's the influence of the current book i'm reading (The devil and miss prym, by paolo coelho). when you know there's nothing that you could loose in this life, the stronger you become when facing your fears.

tough of me, huh? must be the depression that went through. i think it's brought by me gnawing all my insecurities. life's been rough, most specially when you can't find a reason to last you through a day. it's difficult enough when nightfall comes, and you lay in bed thinking about another dreadful day. how can you last through a day, when you barely could survive the night?

yes, i've had these moments. there are times where i forget my own reason for living. but i am just lucky enough to realize how much of a fool i am for thinking that way. God just whispers at the right moment, where i still see the goodness around me, despite my own selfish thoughts. then, i pause and think of my own naivete. i've simply allowed myself to be eaten by my own unwillingness to see the brighter side of life.

an american writer once said, "The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone". i needed someone else to tell me to stop on depending at what other people or things can provide to give me that sense of purpose, of fulfillment. i was simply looking at the wrong places. i guess i have to start looking at myself, and how i've viewed myself and how my life should find meaning in this chaotic, yet wonderful world. i should start looking at how much of myself i can give to others.

i attended an early mass despite the heavy rain. i needed that early conversation with God. i needed an assurance from him that my life's going to be alright. i know, i'm just being stubborn. but the Holy mass just gives me a different kind of peace. now, i feel stronger. i have this sense of purpose,which i think has not yet been unfolded. but in the right time, i'll find out.

so for the meantime, i'm just letting the sunshine in.