let the sunshine in

it's past 2 am, and i am just dead tired after having a night out with my closest friends. we were dancing like frenzy in a club, stripping off any fear that anyone might recognise us (twas just the two of us on the dance floor). even if it were some tough chance, we couldn't care less. i had a rough week, i needed those few minutes or hours to let all inhibitions loose.

i can't believe that i've finally confronted one of my fears. i've actually acknowledged the presence of death, when all of my life i've dreaded the subject, like it was some taboo. but this time, i had the courage to even think about it, converse about its presence with my innerself, letting any suicidal tendency out. sometimes i feel it's the influence of the current book i'm reading (The devil and miss prym, by paolo coelho). when you know there's nothing that you could loose in this life, the stronger you become when facing your fears.

tough of me, huh? must be the depression that went through. i think it's brought by me gnawing all my insecurities. life's been rough, most specially when you can't find a reason to last you through a day. it's difficult enough when nightfall comes, and you lay in bed thinking about another dreadful day. how can you last through a day, when you barely could survive the night?

yes, i've had these moments. there are times where i forget my own reason for living. but i am just lucky enough to realize how much of a fool i am for thinking that way. God just whispers at the right moment, where i still see the goodness around me, despite my own selfish thoughts. then, i pause and think of my own naivete. i've simply allowed myself to be eaten by my own unwillingness to see the brighter side of life.

an american writer once said, "The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment, it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone". i needed someone else to tell me to stop on depending at what other people or things can provide to give me that sense of purpose, of fulfillment. i was simply looking at the wrong places. i guess i have to start looking at myself, and how i've viewed myself and how my life should find meaning in this chaotic, yet wonderful world. i should start looking at how much of myself i can give to others.

i attended an early mass despite the heavy rain. i needed that early conversation with God. i needed an assurance from him that my life's going to be alright. i know, i'm just being stubborn. but the Holy mass just gives me a different kind of peace. now, i feel stronger. i have this sense of purpose,which i think has not yet been unfolded. but in the right time, i'll find out.

so for the meantime, i'm just letting the sunshine in.

vivre d’amour

a nice reflection from yesterday's gospel(Mt 5,38-42) from www.dailygospel.org. these are from the Poems: “Vivre d’amour” [Living of Love] and “Pourquoi je t’aime, ô Marie” [Why I love you, o Mary]

To live of Love is to give without measure,
without demanding a salary here below.
Ah! I give without counting, very sure
that when you love, you don’t write a bill!
To the Divine Heart, overflowing with tenderness,
I have given all … lightly I run.
I no longer have anything except my only wealth:
To live of Love.

To live of Love is to banish all fear,
every memory of past faults.
I see no trace of my sins,
in an instant, love burned it all!
Divine flame, o very sweet blaze,
in your hearth I settle down to stay.
In your fire I am at ease to sing (cf. Dan 3:51):
“I live of Love!”…

“To live of Love, what strange madness,”
The world tells me. “Ah! Stop singing,
don’t lose your perfume, your life.
Know how to use them usefully!”
To love you, Jesus, what a fruitful loss!
All my perfume is yours without return.
I want to sing while leaving this world:
“I am dying of Love!”

* * * * *

To love is to give all and to give oneself.

all about toenails

i just had my nails cleaned tonight. not nail-cutter clean, but nail-salon clean. hehe. well, seeing my toenails that clean, i feel that my feet is tons lighter (took me an hour to clean all ten of them). now, i can't stop adoring them (currently wiggling my toes). :D

okay, so i've made a fetish of cleaning my nails. i've been doing this when i was in college (coz my allowance didn't include salon visits!). usually, it would take me an hour or two to attain the grooming that i want for my nails. believe me, it's difficult when you do your own toes. it takes some acrobatic skills just to be able to get those cuticles properly removed. just imagine how delighted i was when i finally get to afford salon visits! i always treat myself at least twice a month for a good manicure, pedicure and sometimes foot spa (nakaka-miss naman!).

but that was then. now that i am here in sg, i couldn't afford going to nail salons anymore. :( it's so expensive leh! averaging a thousand pesos for well-manicured nails, and another thousand for a pedicure. no way would i spend money for that. i'd just buy myself a new pair of shoes. i'm practical too, y'know.

so, ever since i came here, i only had nail-cutter clean toenails. it's frustrating sometimes seeing your nails pale, with the skin around it easily getting dry and dead skin growing around them. you might think that nail-polish would be a quick solution to that. but that would be cheating your feet and i'm not a nail-polish kind of person.. well, polished nails are good when you're attending some events that require you to dress up and you need to wear really, sexy strappy sandals. but it's not good to wear them daily. it keeps your nails discolored and unhealthy looking. but most of all, i'm
really bad at nail polishes. i can't get it's worth coz i couldn't keep them for 24 hrs without getting smudged!

anyways, i finally bought me a manicure/pedicure set (pusher, nail brush and cuticle remover) last weekend. and tonite, i finally got a quality time with my feet just like when i was in college. well-groomed toenails always lifts my mood! (hmm, reminds me, i was tagged by claire to write about my joys and delights... this definitely is one of them).

blogging about nails might make me seem that i am a shallow person, but i can't help it. my slight obsession for pedicures has its history - i love shoes! i can't go on about that here, this blog is supposed to be about my toenails. so i am dedicating a separate entry for my love for shoes. :D

ole! ole! ole!

okay, so i was never a fan of the world cup, nor i know anything about soccer except for what the soccer ball and those soccer shoes look like. well, of course i know beckham cause he's just so hot! But that's all changed now. this year's world cup's hype has finally got me. i'm starting to see this as one of the most interesting games.

my friends and i watched the opening yesterday over a few cans of carlsberg beer (mura ug true). yes, we stayed up late and finished the opening match between germany and costa rica. surprisingly, we enjoyed the whole game. we were screaming on every near goals and kicks. i didn't know this game could be this entertaining. no wonder so many are hooked by it. well, we were even crazy enough to think that we could try to play it. insane? totally! :D

just to prove that we're really hooked now, we watched the documentary about the complete story of the world cup, like where the first world cup was played, and how Pele became the legend that he is now. so, i'm really serious about this already.

fifa 2006 fever is just heating up and it's nice to be able to be a part of this. even just as a fan. i have no team favorite yet, and i've just started to know who's really the stars on this game. but still, i'm as excited as who's going to win this year's cup :) (how i wish mediacorp 5 would be airing more games!)

insanity loves company

nats suggested that we do at least one crazy thing to commemorate yesterday's date. soon enough, she and ri had already chipped in details of what they did, effortlessly i suppose. that left me worried, and pressured on what crazy thing to do to make the day memorable enough. well, for a miss prim and proper like me, that would be such a task! YEAH, RIGHT! hehe.

so the rest of the afternoon, i contemplated about it, not because i don't want to be left out from my friends, but i might be needing it. not that i haven't had done enough crazy things in my life already, but rather, it's a you-need-it-for-the-moment kind of thing. so i put my work aside, and try to think of some decent crazy things to do before the day ends and here's what i've come up with:

1. go to bugis junction and get the ride on the DHL hot air balloon.. alone. then decide later if i'd want to jump from mid-air.
2. dress up and go to a bar at clark quay, get drunk on a weekday.
3. splurge on a very expensive bag and shoes to match .. i've been eyeing on this pink guess bag, and that nine west sandals at raffles shopping centre .
4. go to planet fitness at suntec city and sign up for that very expensive fitness membership program. just like flushing some bucks into the toilet bowl, which i do not have the luxury to do.
5. book a return trip ticket to hongkong today without second thoughts

of course the day passed without any of the things above was ever done. rather, i just splurged on kose beauty products. well, if it wasn't well recommended by ria, i wouldn't be thinking of buying it. who knows, ma invite din ako ng dinner sa hyatt? (walay connection..hehehe)

well, i almost did number 5 though. i was really on the verge of booking a return ticket to hongkong. but 'twas already past 12 am when i've thought about it. so the pressure's off already. si ria man gud, kelangan daw mag apply jud ko sa peel off mask muna. the good excuse to do a crazy thing day's over. but that doesn't mean that i won't be booking a return ticket to hongkong.

on weddings, babies and me aside

everybody is hooking up, getting pregnant, having a baby, or getting married. that's the news i've been getting so far when i try to keep in touch with friends and fiends :p bitterness aside, i am really happy for them and do honestly wish my "may you live happily ever after". actually, this is better than hearing more of the breakup news from friends which was pouring about two years ago. so keep the good news coming :)

putting back on the bitter sleeve, i just feel so lost in the middle of these lovey-dovey couple friends, weddings, and baby showers. maybe the desire to be coupled sinked in deep cause i was actually dreaming of having a boyfriend last night. well, the thought just left me staring blankly at the wall when i was about to take my shower this morning. is getting a boyfriend so unbelievable now?

if i do want to get married by the time i reach 30, that is in four years time, shouldn't now be a good time to look for a potential boyfriend? but am i really serious about getting married at 30? hehe. and seriously, does potential boyfriends really need to be searched? *think deep*.. oh well, it's hopeless. i don't think i could hear the wedding bells ringing anymore. the sound's so faint from where i am right now.. if they do exist still. cause now, i think they are just figments of my hopeless imagination.

but me aside, i think it's going be a good year for the luv lyf of my friends. wla lang, i just feel it is. maybe because of all these good news i've been hearing from them. so those who are worrying about their relationships (and if we're good friends), then worry not :)

to dreamland and back

i can't believe my week long vacation is over. time flies so fast, but it's just faster in this part of the world. i haven't had a whole day spent at home in the past nine days. it seems that there's always a reason to leave the house (yeah, the mall's waiting for me..hehe).. but other than that, i was in phuket for a four-day island getaway. (yes, it's phuket..and i'm not dreaming!!)

i can't believe my boss allowed me to be on leave for four days, despite the critical stage of my project (well, i was confident my module would be behaving well, while i am away..hehe). so, my friends and i arrived in phuket last tuesday, and had a half day city tour before we checked in at our hotel. we didn't have a five-star hotel waiting, but that really doesn't matter cause you won't be spending much of your time in it anyway. there's a whole island to explore and four days surely ain't enough.

after the half day city tour, we rested a bit at our hotel room since we had a very early flight that morning. we stayed at patong beach, the heart of phuket's night life (and we can't be drowsy when that starts). just a few hours before sunset, we strolled along patong beach. we weren't disappointed by it's beach line, and the area was just so lively with all the people around. i can't help thinking that if only panglao island would be developed like this.. wouldn't that just be lovely?

so we stayed there until sunset. well, nothing beats sunsets by the beach, so why miss that? later that night, we checked out the famous patong night life, and it definitely lived up to our expectations, or probably even exceeded them. the "tiangge" is just all over the place, and there were as much bars too, and of course, restaurants parading their best seafood catch. of course we didn't dine at their luxurious restaurants, but even their budget restos couldn't be let down. thai food everywhere is just delicious. not to mention their signature iced milk tea. so every thai meal, was a feast :)

the following day, we headed off for our beach adventure to the phi phi islands. we went to maya beach which got famous by leonordo DiCaprio's movie "the beach". then we headed for some snorkeling around the island's lagoon. after which, we headed to the neighboring islands for more sightseeing, monkey feeding, swimming, lunch, and more swimming. i just enjoyed every minute i was out basking in the sun. too bad, we only got a day.

our last whole day spent in phuket, we epxlored on other parts of the island. we got a good view of phuket's beach lines at viewpoint (one of phuket's viewing spots), then we went elephant trekking, pasalubong shopping, and stopped by a temple just to get a feel of what a buddhist temple is like up close.

pictures speak a thousand words, so check out my multiply site for my photos :) (well, the real reason, i'm just too tired to post another set of pictures for this blog..hehe)

we got back to singapore early friday morning, still thinking of going back to thailand. probably to enjoy the place fully, you have to stay there for at least a month. :) when i arrived here, i was surprisingly busy. there was so much cleaning to do in my apartment, aside from the loads of laundry that awaited. i never really got the luxury of a good rest despite the long vacation. no wonder i am still so exhausted up till now. good thing there's another long weekend coming up. thank God for holidays :)

but as for now, it's back to reality. vacation mode is so over. got to fix my mind set for work.