a dreary night

i wondered about the moon that night
why its arms escaped to embrace me
i so much wanted to be taken away
deep into that endless dark sky

je veux seulemant oublier
le soir j'etais avec toi

but how can one forget
when the stars eluded me
and the moon lost its beam
twas all a passionless night

qu'a-t-il l'amour est devenu
déjà j'ai perdu son sens

not your gentlest touch
nor your fiery kiss
not even your cold embrace
can make it all come back

just madness

i go about
these lonely streets
searching
longing
for that familiar
embrace

i go about
these lonely streets
longing
loosing
the sanity that is
left of me

i go about
these lonely streets
loosing
crying
for the madness
that i am

word for the day - "twisted"

work is stressful today. and there are twisted officemates you have to deal with. worse, twisted friends also try to enter in the picture.

i don't want to complain about life. i am grateful about a lot of things actually, and twisted situations may be, i know they serve some purpose. hopefully, they'd straighten a once twisted mind.

tomorrow, i'll be off to visit my parent's place. a reunion is scheduled this sunday, and that means a day at the beach. hmm.. a perfect spot to unwind, enjoy a good sunset, and practice what i've learned about photography.

you see, i am at the point of selling my digital camera. a friend advised me not to. but i don't see its purpose other than the occasional family events, or camp outs with friends. but that's been rare these days. but the point really is, i don't take good pictures. most are just tasteless shots. a weak attempt at photography.

but then, i've decided to do something about it. i am trying to see an open window. so, i tried to review about photography basics and hoping to remeber all of them. and i can't wait to put my hands on it.

so this is a typical day. no work done at all. and i am supposed to be an advocate of proper work ethics.

jeez.

i don't wanna be lonely

my major emotions for the week: loniless and depression. not that i am really keeping track. but when everything around you is just as gloomy as this week's weather, it's really not that easy to neglect.

but then, i know it is not just this week. i think i have been lonely and depressed most of my life. but don't get me wrong here. i have a great family and wonderful friends. it's not the outside forces that is making me lonely. i think it seems rooted inside me.

i remembered a year in highschool when a teacher asked us to write an essay. it was the first one we had to make for that school year, and my essay was titled "When Depression Strikes". i can't forget that essay title. but then, i can't remember why i chose that topic either. i even had no idea then what the whole world was out there, living a quite sheltered life that i had, but i've already felt that! i remembered too picking out my favorite "break-up" songs, and singing them to my heart's content long before i got into my first relationship. and when i had my actual break-ups, i drowned myself in them. i remembered having a friend complain of reading my very lonely letters. i must have dragged him into my depression. (oh, poor guy!)

i think that i feel lonely more often because i choose to linger on this feeling. i kept asking myself "why am i like this?". but then you realize, you are not the only one who's lonely, empty, void, and depressed in this world. confessions on loneliness starts to fly into your lap out from nowhere. loneliness doesn't exist only in the songs i listen to, in the movies i watch, nor in the books i read. it's as real as the people i know.

i know eternal happy people would be shaking their heads while reading this, either of disbelief or pity. but they might agree if i say that loneliness could be just a choice. but in reality, it isn't much of a choice. really.

let's say people are lonely because they choose to be lonely. okay. but if there are so many lonely people in this world, does that mean that many people would rather be lonely, than be happy? it just doesn't sound right, right? why do we want to be lonely and feel all these sh*t inside us? who on their sane mind would want that? well, i am not an exception to this question. (so maybe i am not sane, but that's not the topic here).

is it just easier to be lonely, than to be happy? (warning to eternally happy people: keep your head-shakes to yourself). is it because loneliness seems more real an emotion than happiness is? is loneliness really more tangible? is it easier to be unlovable, than to feel loved at all?

or, is it because happiness is such a complicated emotion? so difficult to achieve, and yet, the easiest to fake. i say there are two kinds of happiness: one that's true, and one that's artificial. true and deep happiness is always a rare find. so much sacrifice. so much selflessness. but in the end, it's all so worth it. however, there is a large supply of artificial happiness in this world. it can be bought anywhere, anytime. it's so easy to have it at any cost you wish. but the more you acquire of this temporary happiness, the more hollow you become. and there's nowhere you are going, but to lonely-pitdom.

if it takes a camel to fit in a needle's eye to be truly happy, no wonder there are many people who lingers into the big pool of loneliness. i think i maybe even leisurely floating on that too, despite the occasional ropes that falls into my hands, wishing i'd one time have enough courage to pull it and have it get me out of where i am right now.

but many people also act the way i do, floating on this same pool. and why is that? well, maybe because this place has transformed into a big comfort zone for them. maybe because they even made friends in that same pool and are starting to enjoy each other's company (and are probably even dancing to the song "i don't wanna be lonely"). or maybe they are just too afraid to even try to think of getting out of it. or maybe because they once did try to grab that occasional rope, but when they were almost sure to get on the other side, they were only pushed back into the dark pit, by someone whom they thought was eternally happy, but was just actually faking it. and all their efforts became futile.

as for me, i too had my happy moments. i too had felt that peace. i too had felt loved. it doesn't mean that since i am at this mood, i will always be here for the rest of my life. i am just biding my time, with no intentions to drag anyone with me, of course. i am not sunk deep into that pool. as i said, i am just leisurely floating on it.

parlez-vous français?

"Salut! ca va? ca va bien, merci. et toi? tres bien, merci. parlons français."

i went to turtle's nest for my weekly french classes yesterday.and unexpectedly, i was greeted by my french professeur with an unusually big smile and a funny face. was he wasted or what? he walked drunk, smiled drunk, smelled drunk. Need i still ask? he was indeed wasted! to confirm that he wasn't in some kind of act, he asked for the bottle of the remaining whisky and a glass as he got himself seated for our lessons.

okay, this shouldn't be a frightening situation. though, it's a really awkward one. So, i gave my teacher a weak smile. i remembered classmates attending class in the university who were drunk. but a drunk teacher in class? That just never crossed my mind. yesterday's class was quite an experience. i thought classes would be cancelled since he definitely couldn't think straight with his current situation. but he insisted on having the class, so we did!

we had to control ourselves not to burst out laughing most of the time. the first few minutes of it was really hilarious. my teacher was speaking french incessantly, that it was difficult to keep up. until he had to stop as he saw our confused faces while keeping ourselves from laughing (we were afraid we might offend him). how on earth would you know when a drunk person is serious?

a good thing though, in the middle of our class, his brother and a friend joined us. so we now have three different kinds of french guys: a french-french (my teacher who had stayed so long here in cebu and could now speak fluent cebuano dialect),an english-french(his brother who insisted that he is english and is also french), and an american-french(his friend, who happened to be seeing a good friend of mine). well, with those three guys around, we had one lively french class.

tout le monde s'amusait!

*****

mon professeur m'a demande de poster ceci:

"FRENCH, 100PHP/HR, 2341982" (cebu)

voulez vous parler français? so if you like to learn french and is currently in cebu, call this number.

love letters for david

telling you my heart's desire
is the struggle i fight each day
yet it seems a day is incomplete
if i can't pen my thoughts today

searching for the perfect notes
that befits my mind's content
scaling through a potpourri of words
is dragging me to a psychotropic bent

the silent cries that remained unheard
those elusive tears i've kept from falling
even euphoric signals running through my veins
the odds and ends i bind to keep from loosing

yet i endure this unsung madness with words
for i cannot leave a troubled heart undeciphered
so meticulously, i picked words amongst some others
and surprisingly, my thoughts have slowly uncluttered

and now my only wish for you, my dear david
that as my whims, through words, starts to unfold
and once you chance upon this scented sheet
let your heart's sentiments be told

tugged at the heart

10-9-8-7-4-3-1.

these are not today's lottery winning numbers, rather these are the ages of my nephews and nieces.

i was visiting my parents' place last weekend. with the presence of my little nieces and nephews in the house, the place is transformed into a quite opposite dwelling, compared to how it was then while i was growing up. these bambinis and bambinos just effortlessly turns the house upside down, and cause havoc at almost all its corners. seven kids are running about the house, with an accompanying orchestra of squeals and cries, one after the other, almost at every hour. it's really quite a scene observing them as they go about their daily adventures. now, i could relate to the movie, Cheaper by the dozen. :)

on last weekend's visit, i told my "pamangkins" that we'd make some pastillas de leche. Early saturday morning, they were already bugging me with buying the ingredients.

"Auntie, gising na. di ba gawa tayo ng pastillas today?" (It's still 9 in the morning! Tulog pa ako. Later, ok?)

After lunch.

"Auntie, di ba sabi mo gawa tayo ng pastillas?" (Wala pa tayong ingredients.)

After two hours later.

"Auntie, sige na bili na tayo ng ingredients. Ano ba ang ingredients ng pastillas?". And a younger one asks. "Ano ibig sabihin ng ingredients, Auntie?"

On our way home, from the city.

"Auntie, punta pa tayo sa mall para bili ng ingredients." And the others chorused, "Oo, auntie, bili pa tayo ng ingredients."

they didn't stop until i finally got to buy it (of course, with them excitedly tugging at my back inside the grocery store).

Then, together with the older ones (those from aged 7 up), we went to my cousin's place and did the pastillas over there. i could only manage up to four kids. at least they're at the stage where you could reason with them already. but still they are a handful. After a broken glass, a table covered with powdered milk all over (some even reaching the floor), and four hours later, the five of us managed to create the pastillas and had our fill of the sweets. it was such a feat to have 8 little hands work with you. but it was all worth it by just looking at them gather about you and actually listening to your instructions.

everytime i go home, i always do my best to be the good aunt. and being the aunt that they rarely see, it's always a heart-warming scene each time i see them. i beam at their big smiles, warm hugs and sweet kisses. well, that's one part i always look forward. kids will always be kids, despite how much hurly burly they cause at home, they too could be just the sweetest :)

having my "pamangkins" around, it makes me not want to have kids of my own yet. there are already so many kids at home, so why add to that :) but when i go back to cebu, i can't help but miss all of them. and seeing my brothers and sisters hover about them, makes me wish that i too have my own.... BUT, Wait. that's kinda scary. it's only a feeling. i'm not ready yet. he-he-he.

I always treasure my time with my nephews and nieces. And when i feel kinda homesick, and have some "maternal instinct" kick inside me, i'd just pack my things and head home. cause for now, that's where my heart is :)