wishing to be good

good things happen to good people. when you are dedicated to your work, and not think about rewards, salary, promotions or even pleasing the boss, you get the reward you deserve without even thinking about it. and usually, when good things come, they pour!

however, i could barely say i am one of those good people. i have always been a delinquent. even way back in highschool, i cram and cram ... and get lucky. i always lack that dedication to achieve something. it was always easy come and easy go philosophy for me. when i started working, i probably just improved in my outlook a baby-step further. nothing more.

even now, i took the day off because i felt sick. the truth is, i am just plainly sick at my job and i feel smothered in the emptiness in my cube .. or should i say, in my mind?

i don't know why i am even like this. i've been thinking about changing careers, but i could not deny that i can not give up easily the perks of this job. i am staying to keep the lifestyle i want. it's nothing luxurious as you might think coz i am still broke, but it's comfortable enough. i know this way of thinking is purely selfish and vain and sick. but that aside, the job is also making me sick. but it would be hypocritical of me if i won't admit that it has it's highs too. but not much compared to the downers it's giving me.

well, i just complain when i know i'm incapable of achieving something. it hides my incompetence. but you know what, you know you're a failure when you start blaming others (someone famous said that, i just can't remember who exactly). that's why i complain because i find that easier than to accept that i've failed.

i'm just getting what i deserve, and i whine twice as much when shit happens.

how i wish i could get to sing the song from the 'sound of music', "somewhere in my childhood, i must have done something good".

but i know i can't.

i need a mind-shift..i'm becoming all too negative.