come as you are

i came upon the song "Come as you are", popularized by Nirvana. I do not know what Kurt cobain was trying to say then. But for me, this song seems to be for someone you've been running away from or someone who is running away from you. and as i was digesting every lyric, i had a clear view then on whom this song should be played to in my life. Well, you know who you are when you read this (like in a million chances, you would).

here are some lines of the song:

Come
As you are
As I want you to be
As a friend
As a known memory

Take your time
Hurry up
The choice is your
Dont’ be late
Take a rest
As a friend
As a known memory

Come
Doused in mud
Cept in bleach
As I want you to be
As a trend
A a friend
As a known memory ah

And I swear
That I don’t have a gun
No I don’t have a gun

------------------

** wondering what's with the picture?.. well, i think i was close to doing that had we(whom this song is for) crossed paths a year ago .. and good thing we didn't **

hot chocolate for the heart

i had a lazy morning today. i went in almost noontime at the office and i was dawdling before i could actually start something work-related. as i was about to be serious about work-stuff, i suddenly had a craving for a bite of chocolate. i had one before i left for work, but still had that craving an hour later. i wished i had just brought the chocolate bar with me to the office. and a few minutes later, i couldn't just get myself settled in if i didn't get my tastebuds appeased. So i went to the vending machine and bought me a cup of warm chocolate drink instead. But to my dismay, the vendo messed up and only gave me a cup with a single drop of what have been my warm chocolate drink! i just felt like i was about to cry. oh when things just don't work out the way you want them to! i know that the warm chocolate cup is so trivial but the feeling i had when i just saw the empty cup is tantamount to the feeling when my ex-boyfriend told me he couldn't go on with our wedding. believe me, the feeling was horribly similar!

as i walked back to my cube, with the empty cup in hand and with a heart that just got pinched, i saw a blue invitation flashing in front of my eyes as if shouting "Read me! Read me!". i knew then it was my officemate's wedding invite, so i asked him to hand it over immediately. As i looked through the pages of the invitation, it seemed that time just travelled back a year ago when i was looking at my own wedding invite that never reached through the intended recipients. looking at the empty cup and that familiar wedding invite was just too painful. well, both depressing incidents happened in just a few seconds from each other and i thought it was just unbearable that i thought i would cry that instant. but i don't want to be so dramatic about it so i had to fight back my tears.

then i remembered that as i passed by the church near our place on my way to the office, a wedding ceremony just ended and everyone was crowding at the church entrance seeing the newly weds get settled in the bridal car. Just by that scene, i said to myself that i thought i couldn't get through another wedding event after my "called off wedding" disaster last year. but just a month after, i was already attending my officemate's wedding. and that was not the only one that i went to last year and i was fine. i must have been tough then. But of course, i had to miss my sister's wedding, which i didn't mind at all, cause it would be too much having to bear with all of your relatives' meaningful glances. and the unmindful ones might ask me the question that i have been running away from for the past months. "I thought it was you who was about to get wed?". Duh!

these are just a few of the everyday things that i had to deal with when it comes to my past. yet sometimes it is unbelievable how simple things, like the empty cup incident, when being related to significant moments in your life, could just make you stop and think. how far have i actually grown? how tough have i really become? and then you realize you are not as tough as you think you are. but you have hidden your fears perfectly well, and dealt with everyone else in the most appropriate way that you should. so, that would probably do for now.

sunglasses

as i saw the trace of sunrise in our small cottage at the island in the sky resort last sunday morning, i remembered that i didnt have my new sunglasses with me. i left it with my brother. but didn't really quite care coz i never really liked that pair anyway.

i thought about my old sunglasses, and realized how much i missed it since it wasn't only a good buy, but was the best that i had and might be irreplaceable. had i took care of it, i probably must still have had it on that trip.

well, i broke my favorite sunglasses when i attended a retreat at St. John's monastery almost three weeks ago. a temple broke as i pulled it out from my bag hurriedly. and i must admit, i did it carelessly. so it was totally my fault.

you see, it isn't the first time that i had broken a pair of sunglasses. the first one, i really took care of it since it was the first that i had and bought it from my own money. It was kind of fragile so, it got broken in the long run.

my the second pair of sunglasses, was durable enough, so i just carelessly dump it in my bag. and didnt easily quite break. well, it sticked with me for a time so i thought it wud never break. but it eventually gave up on me. just with that one careless pull from my bag.

the day before we were to have our company's beach party, i was in pursuit for a new pair of sunglasses. i didnt have much time and i was about to splurge a big amount of money for a pair of sunglasses that isn't really my type but was the best the store could offer. the good thing is, i was able to stop myself from buying it. then i searched more in another mall, and finally settled for a pair which wasn't really expensive, but isn't also good enough. it was just the best that i could find, and it kinda fitted my fancy for the moment. but, that proved to be a wrong decision. cause now, i dont really like it that much anymore. i missed my old sunglasses!

as i was thinking about the loss, i realized that my sunglasses and my relationships have some things in common. with my first relationship, i tried to hold on too much on it, but it was just too fragile. like no matter what effort i give to save it, it was just bound to fail. and it did. i was devastated when that happened, and i thought i cud never find someone else. but i did. and he was sweet and kind and somehow, he showed me that i am worth so much. he compliments me. but i didnt qive quite much importance in the relationship in the beginning. but i was confident then that it won't fail this time. but i guess with my treatment, i've let it slip away. and i was too late. i was being careless. and i look back to what i've lost with remorse. there are just things in life that we only realize their worth once they are gone.

my second pair of sunglasses might be irreplaceable, but this time i wouldn't get a new pair in such a haste and settle with what's available. but i can't promise that my next buy would be it. i might make some wrong choices in the future, but i still believe that i'd still find the right sunglasses in time. and when i do, i'd surely take care of it, and hopefully it won't give up on me anymore.

island in the sky

my friends and i went to the "Island in the Sky" mountain resort in Ga-as, Balamban, Cebu last weekend. None of us have been to the place but we've heard about it and seen some pictures on the net. That's why we checked it out ourselves.

The place wasn't so difficult to find as it was just along the road. When we got there, we didn't get a guest's welcome. There were no closed cottages around, and to our dismay, there was no pool. If the mountain view wasn't breathtaking, and the hanging bridge as exciting, and the owner kind-hearted enough, the whole place could have been just a humdrum. But then we were able to cope with our disappointments since our pictures looked so great and the group was just so game, that we all forgot what we were missing and focused on how to have a great time.. and we surely did.

full house

i expected to be asleep most of the day last sunday, but i woke up around noon since i was starving! i should have eaten before i slept and i would have had a better nap. my roommie and i opted to watch the korean telenovela that we had been just so crazy about. we had a "Full House" marathon that day. and by the end of the day, our eyes were all misty and swollen from too much crying. i wasnt sure though why i was crying. was it because i could truly relate to the what the lead actress was feeling everytime she suffered for the name of love? or was it because i envy her for receiving all the affection of the very good looking lead actor and wished that happened to me too?

there was a time in my life not too long ago where i got devoid of emotions. probably that was with too much emotional turmoil that i was into that i just got numb. i know i should have spent nights crying. but to my surprise, i just couldn't. no tears would fall, and i've never felt so detached from myself. i guess it was more of a coping mechanism for me to go through my ordeal that time. but i knew i just had to cry or else i'd continue to carry a heavy heart each day. and moving on and letting go would have been less difficult as it was.

just to be able to let my feelings out, i watched mushy love stories. i know i'd be bitter watching them for sure i'd just end up crying at the most romantic scenes. and once i start that, i couldn't control the tears and i'd be sobbing the whole night. my favorite then was Friend's episode on phoebie's (lisa kudrow) wedding, which was somewhere in season 10. and whenever i feel like crying, i'd just get that Friends cd and before the episode even ends, i'd be crying my heart out. i'd cry like a child who just lost her mom in the middle of a big crowd. yes, i'd cry like a baby. but after such a good cry, i'd feel tons better.

the beach bums and jamaican nights

our company decided to celebrate its 1 year anniversary by the beach. i should say it was a simple celebration, not really grand, but everybody had fun. what would a grand place do if there ain't not enough food for everyone? well, that saturday's celebration was surely a feast :) there were even more lechon ribs that i could manage to munch on (yummy!).

--

some of us went to party for the jamaican nights later that evening. i thought i won't be able to join this one, but knowing there'd be a lot of my friends going, i just couldn't resist it. :) i was glad that i did though since we surely had a blast. but i had to not mind my insecurities that i get when going to these kind of events. well, with all the thin women clad in bikinis, who wudn't be when u know u couldn't just wear one. makes me want to be thin for the next jamaican nights! hehe.

but who wud mind much about those women when there's also a fair share of gorgeous hunks. ok, it is really not a fair share. there are just a few hunks around, and all of them are with their also-sexy, thin, pretty girlfriends. makes me want to be thin, twice as much this time.

i know most men would disagree with me. but i think the whole bikini open and lingerie fashion show should have been cut short, and the reggae bands should have played three sets :) well, the fashion show and the bikini open was quite a drag when people go there to party. it would probably have helped if they got lesser gay looking models or contestants on the bikini open. i literally had to sit down on the sand as my feet was aching from standing among the sweat-drenched boys ogling at the female contestants and the models. but it was funny seeing the men's reaction and how much unappreciative they were with the male bikini open contestants and models.

i already got home around 5 am early morning the following day.

back to blogging

something must have happened that i have just lost the interest to write down my notes. my journals are probably now getting comfy with the dusts. maybe i just grew tired from writing too much about what my feelings were then. or simply i just detached myself from me, if that's even possible. probably was. but for the record, that could have been the best thing to do at that time. i was this duckling, swamped and could not find shelter from the rain. i simply was just lost. what can you write when you do not even know what you feel exactly?

----
i've just spent an amazing weekend at st. john's monastery. i didnt realize that by simply being around with people with so much positive aura could lift up your burried misery and disappointments. i was with the brothers and sisters of the st. john's community and simply spending a few days with them, i've seen some silver linings on my life when i thought would just be grey. they've taught me to deepen my faith. my only challenge now is to be able to keep that fire burning.

on my four days there, i've come to think about the things that have been troubling me. i've discarded those troubles for some time since i thought that by simply not thinking about them, i'd be just fine. i was wrong. i know i have to do something about it inorder to move on.

----

first thing, deal with kf. i know things are way over between us. but somehow my stubborn head won't get any of it unless he'd really say something about it. worst thing someone could do to you is leave you hanging in some thin air. and that's what he did. to be able to finally let my hands free, i had to write him a letter asking for the last time about us. i was hoping he'd write me back, but he didnt. he answered by changing his friendster status to single, and deleting my testimonial of him. i guess that's the best answer i can get from him. though i can't explain this funny feeling inside, i'm just glad he responded the way he did.

Well, i'm letting go now.