the unbalanced life

inactivity can only be brought about by undisturbed immersion with work or other senseless stuffs that is most often than not accompanied by impulsive splurges or intoxication with alcohol. though i'd rather want to be preoccupied with the senseless stuffs, i'm afraid to say that it's the former, really, that has robbed me off my me-time. and i hear myself screaming, "i need a life!" behind my desk.

even if i wanted a year where i wish i could concentrate on my career for the lack of life out of it, i have desperately indulged in senseless stuffs. i guess i am putting so much energy on that since i often find my unsteady butt kicking me off my seat despite work. to prove this, i ventured on scuba diving thinking that i would make a hobby out of it. but before i could even make a plan for my first dive trip (kasi naman wala akong kasama!)or buy my own mask and snorkel, i found myself island-hopping in phuket, and planning trips to bali! and even before i could check flight schedules to start on my trip to bali, i have enrolled myself in a gym and got me a personal trainor. just thinking about how much i've splurged for it makes me wonder how shallow i've become, or rather, how shallow i've always been and it makes me so freaking guilty. maybe i am at a point where enough is enough for me?

then i came upon an article, love in the time of migration, written by Randy David, which is totally unrelated to what i'm ranting about right now. he simply quoted a sociologist which just hit me rock bottom about all this that i'm going through. it said, "“Roughly speaking, one loves not because one wants gifts, but because one wants their meaning.” .. and there's no need to elaborate on that.

touching base and moving forward

i've been wondering why i am keeping an average of almost one blog per month this year. it's not that i have stopped fighting my demons (this never fails to motivate me to rant endlessly). however, when there is too much that's going on in and out of your mind, it's either you ramble a lot of nonsense, or you are simply at loss of words. i think i am suffering from the latter.

i do not want to go back though to what the past few days were like for me. the past year, i have more than enough emotional roller coaster than i could ask for in a life time. seriously, i am tired about all this. though surprisingly, i can move on so easily now - heart ache after heart ache. life's like this and life goes on :)

so, despite the uncertainty of what the future's gonna be, there's at least one thing that i am certain about - i'll be staying for at least another year in singapore. and for the first time, i am having so many plans in this one year. i have not really explored this island so much, simply out of disinterest, despite all its beauty. now i am realizing i have been wasting weekends in this country for the past two years when there's so much more to do and places to explore besides the shopping malls (finally, these shops have lost their charm ... as long as i can keep myself as far away from them).

but as a friend said, exploring a place alone is a sad thing - for there's no one you can share the experience with. i know there's truth in that. but i just do not want to focus on the 'going alone' part of my plans. so, anyone who thinks exploring singapore is your kind of fun, there's more than enough seats in the bus for you. sakay na! :D

life's like this

i was supposed to write a detailed account on my three week vacation - 10 days in vietnam, 1 day in singapore and another 10 days in bohol. but then, the momentum is already off and i could not anymore find the mood to remember all that happened in those three weeks. so instead, i'm letting the pictures speak for themselves. at least for my vietnam trip.

i didnt go anywhere while i was in bohol, except that i was in the beach almost everyday to try my luck in scuba diving. it's a pretty exciting experience though and i could not wait for my first dive outside the course. that will be in the near future if the malaysian island getaway that we planned for next week will push through (i'm crossing my fingers).

but then, vacation's over and here i am staying up late in the office. i can see the upcoming days to be any less different. ever since i assumed a new role at work, and decided that i will be staying in singapore for at least another year, i can see myself getting more and more involved with work and simply let my social life and possibilities of relationships (yes, i'm optimistic) suffer. however, i am ready to accept that fate. i'm just afraid to admit that work is just one of the places where i feel so stable and i can get things done the way i want them to be. but outside of it, there's just too much uncertainty and fear, and i feel my life's just a mess.

missing the melodramatic self

i've been a sleepy head since i got back from my business trip. i think i am simply trying to regain back the sleep-deprived nights from the past months. all i did last weekend was sleep. my bed is getting too comfy, that it surely missed me :p

it's just been a week, and it seemed i have been away for ages. but picking up where i left off definitely does not require that much fuss. i tried to keep the weeknights busy by spending dinner with friends. it feels good to be simply around people you can be yourself with. :D

i was trying to contemplate once again how my life's been going, and where is it heading as i find myself in another crossroad. the never ending decisions that one has to make! it's tiring! but this comes with age (i'm undeniably getting old). if only we can simply just toss a coin in every decision without thinking of the what-if's, or the consequences involved. but we're logical human beings, and we do not simply blindly follow the red lights flashing that says "choose me", even if it is to our utmost desire that we want to. we have to make a logical decision. i have made a decision and i think it's logical :D i only need the courage and strength to believe that i can actually defend and stand up against this decision. i am making the big leap, the big leap of ... staying.

but well, before i do my big leap and that is if i still have my job after three weeks, i'm taking a long break. i hope i get to do the things i want to do, and i do hope this will definitely be a "break" in the truest sense of the word. i just hope this do not end up with me, broken. *sigh*

i know i am not making sense, but i do miss my melodramatic self. i guess pouring my heart out, for the web to feast on is a hard habit to break, huh? :D

on another note, my current mood can be best describe by this statement: "life is indeed a box of chocolates, mine's a liqueur filled, dark one."

locked up

one obvious sign that you are overworked is... when you find yourself locked up at the office!

the last thing that i expected that would happen to me in my not-so-short stay in the land of gold mines and safaris (yes, i'm still here), is to be locked up in the office. and not any other office, but a post office! yes, we were locked up because we tried to leave from work at 7:15 in the evening! sounds so early yet, huh? but it's a friday, and people just get lost at 3 pm around here. sometimes, just thinking about that, makes me want to move here :p

anyways, the only better thing of being locked up, is not being locked up alone. i was with my two colleagues from singapore. so i was not alone, fate was kinder. so, when the possibility of spending over night in a post office was starting to sink in, we got busy of thinking for other alternatives - like breaking the window grills by the stairs, and jumping off, if we managed to squeeze ourserlves in the small window . we will just have to worry about the bruises later.

crying for help

but where's the key?

the other alternative was to call for help - and i have only two persons in my mind. the first option was to call my one and only colleague based in our south africa branch (yes, it's a one-man office here). but good luck to us if he can do something about it as he is on his way home to botswana. but at least he might know whom to call to get us out of the place. the next option is the technical manager of our client. i had his number because i've been calling him the past weeks each time i have problems with our servers. embarrassing it might seem, but he's the only other person i could think of, and he just lives on the next town (at least not on the next country).

so we called him, and explained the unfortunate situation that just happened. i tried to be calm and hide my embarrassment, after profusely apologizing for the trouble. however, he also had no idea whom to call as he was just a third-party contractor working for our real client. the only option left was for him to escalate the matter to our client. that would mean, the whole office would know about this come monday... not only that, this matter would definitely reach our chief relations officer in our head office in europe. i was right, a few minutes later, i received a call. news do travel fast! i was told that our client was on the line explaining the little situation we have stirred in a cold, supposedly quiet friday night in the local post office. waaah! so, i explained we were trying to work a bit late that night. i guess that made a good impression cause i got good news. i was told that rescue would be coming in a few minutes. yey! :) yes, it was the technical manager who drived from the next town, back to the office, just to get us out, and drive us safely to our hotel. it's nice to be working with great people, isn't it? everyone was concerned at our own safety, and i am just mighty glad for that.

so, i'm sleeping comfortably here in my hotel room, and not in a post office.

my heart's content

jason sent me an sms two days ago about making plans for my birthday. suddenly, i found myself not knowing what to reply. i don't really feel comfortable about making plans on that day of the year. i can make plans for other people's birthday or any celebration for that matter without sweat, but i can't feel the same excitement when it's about planning for my birthday.

i need to be pushed by friends to celebrate my birthday. it's not that i am not thankful for birthdays. i indeed am, really, seriously thankful. but i am really not comfortable planning about how to celebrate it without that much pressing on. so i really thought these would be just one of those birthdays where i'd let the day pass. then, when i become comfortable thinking about how to spend it with friends, in a day or two, i'd come up of a way to celebrate it.

then, monday came, that's two days before my birthday, greetings already came flying. but not because they just wanted to greet me in advance, rather, they mistook me for another liz who's celebrating also their birthdays on successive dates as mine - the 3rd, and 4th. how coincidental is that? there must be something about march and my name. now, i can't help wonder about how my mother came up with the name. all the while, i was thinking she just picked it up randomly, when i was secretly wishing my name would be elizabeth. but that's another story.

so i've been receiving very very early greetings, and apologies for those who mistook me as the other liz on their friends list :D despite that, i realized my social circle has really grown. thanks to the great people i met in sfc :)

back to jason's message about making a plan, tuesday came, and i still don't have plans. i was close to asking him to have dinner with me if i could not think of something. however, i'm learning to wait these days. maybe, there'll be plans later. i don't need to rush. (sorry bro, naging back up plan kita! haha! but i know you won't mind for you are such a great friend :p).. besides, i have a movie date with my household that day, so i'll just focus on that first. maybe, something in the movie would influence me on how i should spend my birthday. :D

however, to my utmost surprise.. the movie date was just a front. these girls from my household actually planned on a pre-birthday dinner for me.. with a really, really cute gift, and balloons! oh, and a cake and a candle too :D it's only in singapore that i really have these surprises on my birthdays.. and i just got one of the best on my third birthday here. well, too bad i wasn't a crybaby, para complete ang drama! haha. but i guess with the big big smile i was wearing the whole night, i bet it wasn't difficult for them to be convinced how happy they made me. everything was just simply overwhelming..thanks guys! thanks for the wishes too.. :)

now, the big day has come.. and i don't need to make plans. the roseville gurls and friends, are organizing a dinner for me.. yey! my family back in the philippines may not be here physically, but they have never failed to show me their love. and with all these, my family, my friends, my crossroads, i feel the abundance of my blessings. for this, may God be praised!

bubbly over hearts day

ever since i've broken off the last string of attachment, i've tried to change tunes in my iPod. however, in the wee hours of the hearts day, i couldn't help but miss the old familiar tunes of colbie caillat and corinne bailey rae that i've grown to love the past months. probably because there's so much in the lyrics of their songs that hit me at the right spot these days.

the past days, i've been trying to ignore people who are just making a big fuss about the upcoming hearts day. this week, two friends have cried out to me the words i have been deaf to... 'i so want to fall in love'..

well, before you think i've gone cold or bitter about romantic love.. i do want to fall in love still... and i'm still on search for my greatest love ever.. however, i simply don't feel the need to be in love right now. let's say i've just had enough of falling in and out of love the past year, that i want to celebrate my being single this hearts day. i'm already so full of how things are going on with my life right now, how should that not be enough?

i just wonder how we got to make being single on the hearts day sound so pathetic? must be all the commercialism .. but really, come to think of it.. there's nothing desperate or pathetic about that. to recall my past celebrations of the hearts day, not a bouquet of red roses, or a box of chocolates could beat the best hearts day that i had.. where ri, nats and i, tried to roam around manila to look for a great place to have dinner.. we were two blocks away from the bombing of a bus near sm makati mrt station.. we walked down a stairway filled with candle lights, and entered a hotel lobby (was it at manila pen??), filled with couples on their romantic dates, as we were in our most bitter single selves.. (just imagine what we were going through by simply walking on that staircase) but then, we ended up enjoying the rest of the memorable night at the UP fair. you see, it's not about what you get to receive from a loved one, but how you get to spend this day that really matters...whether it be with your lovey-dovey or your best single pals.

janeth and i have celebrated the eve of hearts day, in the most impulsive way that we can think of.. we just bought what could be our most expensive buys to date.. which i would like to blog about separately.. then, we both enjoyed some great music at timbre bar, which has an exquisitely great view of the boat quay, over a bottle of wine, baked mussels, bacon wrapped prawns, and four cheese pizza. well, we weren't really hungry and we didn't get drunk at all before midnight. yeah right!

well.. we were not trying to appear desperate... a bottle of wine was just cheaper over two glasses of our favorite cocktails..so why not get a bottle of wine instead? hehehe.. besides, there were lots that we toasted on over the hearts day.. as much as i would like to remember what they were.. all i could recall are :

cheers to the men who came into our lives, who webbed colorful threads, and somehow, made some portions in our lives worth retelling :D

cheers to all the bitterness gone .. (really, they should have been down the drain a long time ago, but basking on them do serve the lessons that we have learned .. and still should learn)

cheers to the exciting year that's to come .. (we never know how this year would turn out, most specially when you're single..)

cheers to a happy life.. and how we should be luvin it. (hehehe must be the alcohol, but i did try to convince janeth that i'm just happy right now, and i can't find the words to defend it)

so.. happy hearts day everyone!