i remember asking friends older than me, what it feels like to be thirty each time one hits that age. i think it's an age where something phenomenal inside of you should happen - like probably a deeper consciousness that you're not young anymore? and that you should radically need to do something about that. but then, you see your friends not changing a bit, and they still act the same way as they were and you realize, your old theories about being thirty must be wrong. so i guess that's why i didn't see any drastic changes in my friends when they started hitting thirty... well, except their marital status.
when i agreed with the three weeks of work in our cambridge office, i didn't realize that my birthday would fall on the duration of the stay. when it hit me that i will still be on my business trip during my birthday, i thought i would be able to finally feel what it's like to celebrate a birthday on my own, not that i am looking forward to that at all. but you know, just out of curiosity, how deep could one fall into depression when that happens? there goes the masochist in me again, basking on those negative feelings. but well, it was simply out of curiosity if i would survive it or not.
i've probably written about this before that birthdays are a big deal to me, not in a way where i should throw a big bash or something of that sort. but it has always been a big deal for me, emotionally. i find myself often more anxious when my birthday comes. and to fight off any signs of depression, i start to list down the things that i should be thankful for instead, and that always manage to lift me up and enjoy the rest of the day. but you see, i could not recall when i wasn't anxious each time my birthday is approaching, and i am talking about since i was probably only just twelve! .. and now is indeed an exception.
could it be that i was just so busy with my crazy work? or that i am away from all my loved ones - my honey, family and friends - that there's really nothing to expect much on that day rather than treat it as any other day. there's no big deal about that. or, in a more serious note, could it be that i finally got tired of all my anxiety issues on my birthdays? and could this be the phenominal change that i've expected to happen - that i've gotten over my anxiety issues.. aha! so, my theories were probably right after all.. but that they are only applicable to me. :(
anyways, could it be that i am simply happy and content right now that i no longer put a pressure on the milestone that i have to make each time i celebrate my birthday. and that feels so much better. why hadn't i realized this before? it surely would have saved me a lot of worry lines.
so, when you really have lesser worries in life, things would just fall simply right into its place. in short, my birthday turned out to be one great day after all, despite being away from your loved ones. my colleagues in cambridge moved the usual friday lunch to a thursday lunch so that i will be able to have lunch with everyone just before i leave. then they all surprised me with a cake (which never happened the whole nine years in this career life), thanks to skype for broadcasting my birthday to my contact list :D then my old roomie in singapore treated me to a good seafood dinner where we feasted on lobsters, shells, mussels, oysters and shrimp (remembering the great food makes me hungry all over again even if i just had my lunch). and i get to celebrate my birthday for 37 hours because my honey and other friends started sending their greetings based on GMT+8 timezone which is 13 hours ahead of eastern time. so, how cool is that? :)
there's really nothing to dread hitting the big three-O after all, but rather you get to have more reasons to celebrate life.. and for this may God be praised! yey!